Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Quoth The Raven, “What a Douche”

Okay, that’s it.

I’ve had about enough of shirtless, greased up, ubermoob festerpuds like Major Havoc here bothering The Skanking Class of this great nation.

This pic just makes me want to suction cup out all higher consciousness using the torture machine that kills Wesley in The Princess Bride.

Self awareness just isn’t worth it, God.

Take it back.

Return me to the primal state from whence I came so I can unlearn what humanity chooses to do with the gifts and miracles of an improbably impossible universe of creation.

# posted by douchebag1
1:30 pm September, 7 Douche Springsteen said...

is this a Valtrex® ad?

1:32 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

Looking at this guy is reaking HAVOC on my lower intestines.

1:33 pm September, 7 jonezy said...

right Hott has that look of some model, probably named Kelly, from some 80s movie

1:34 pm September, 7 jonezy said...

I wish the House of Usher would fall right onto this stupid prick

1:35 pm September, 7 jonezy said...

I’d lead this douche down into my casks and put my trowel to work
.
(um. not a metaphor folks)

1:37 pm September, 7 jonezy said...

I’d put my pendulum in her pit
.
(yep, metaphorically)

1:38 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

Left hotts smile looks forced. I’m not sure if that eases anybodys pain here, but yeah just sayin’.

1:40 pm September, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Isn’t that Nicky Cage’s son?I just remembered that I wanted to comment on something we discussed months ago but I’m stoned and forgot. Does anyone remember what it was?
.
Kreskins

1:46 pm September, 7 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

If you have to wear a hat with “Metal” written on it, chances are you’re not.

1:48 pm September, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

He was on here recently, If I remember correctly he was dressed up with possibly a top hat. He was with some famous chick at some red carpet event.

1:50 pm September, 7 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

Screw ’em, boss. Let them have each other. In the years I’ve been coming to this site I’ve pretty much just come to accept that the Skanking Class wouldn’t be hanging around Vegas poolsides or whatever dank dive bar this is (I think that’s a video poker machine there in the back, you don’t often see those outside of dank dive bars) if they didn’t at least entertain the idea of Major Havoc sauntering up and offering his sagging bird grundle up for a photo opportunity.

Seriously, and I can’t stress this enough, fuck ’em all. I’ve been around the block enough times to know that you need to hang around in places where the people you want to attract are known to congregate. You want to find an attractive, smart girl who’s possibly into your nun fetish? Hang out in bookstores, take a class on Western Literature with your local college’s continued learning program; start striking up conversations. You want to catch a gift basket of venereal disease from some brain dead troglodyte sporting incoherent, misspelled tattoos and lathered up with enough body grease to fuel a small Church’s Chicken franchise, go hang out at Rehab or whatever local nightclub’s known for being lax on the id checks. You’ll date who you’re around.

So what I’m saying is, fuck these people. Every last one of them. They deserve each other.

1:54 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

@Et Tu, is it that one fucktwat DJ Assram? His name escapes me but I do remember the picture you’re talking about. He was with that one Aussie actress who showed her boobs in a movie with Owen Wilson and Jason Sedekis. Damn, who else was in that movie?

1:58 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

El Bastardo Magnifico FTW! And for the record the only time I hung out at a truck stop glory hole was FREE WAFFLE NIGHT.

2:01 pm September, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Hot Waitress
His name is DJ Ashba in GnR her name was Nicki Whelan

http://hotchickswithdouchebags.com/?s=Nicki+Whelan

2:08 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

@Et Tu, This is almost as sad as the time we won “Name That Greasepitz”. Almost.

2:11 pm September, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

It’s Anthony Skeevdis the lead singer for the Red Hot Chili Farts.

2:15 pm September, 7 troy tempest said...

I feels ya DB1. El Bastardo Magnifico makes some good points though. My only problem with the kind of relativism at the heart of El Bastardo’s theory is that it doesn’t stop the madness. Exchange Nazi Pigfuckers for douchebags (not that far a stretch, IMHO). So you have a nice pleasant neighbourhood of normal folks – some gay, most not, some brown, some not, some smart, some not so much, but at least they dress like adults and don’t put on airs – good decent people.
.
Then one day a bunch of Nazi Pigfuckers sets up camp at a bar and begins to act, well, like Nazi Pigfuckers, which is pretty much indistinguishable from tea party douchenozzles, only with sharper taste in uniforms. And pretty soon, they’re drunk and harrassing women and beating up gays, and generally acting like DOUCHEBAGS.

So what do you do? By El Bastardo’s theory – ignore them. The problem is, such groups don’t just disappear. So, then the question is, when people start kicking morons like General Havoc in the nuts for being a bunch of scum sucking assholes, the people kicking douchebutt get tagged and jailed as “mean people” and the virus spreads….

2:21 pm September, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Uber poochsnatch Crystal (on the right) is wasting her talent and destined to be deposited onto the scrap heap of bleeths. A true shonda. While her taut abdomen could launch a thousand loads, her poor taste in males (I can’t say “men,” especially in this case) will add miles to her chassis, which over time will diminish her looks to the point where she will induce nausea.
.
Shaygetz

2:31 pm September, 7 Southern Scrotic said...

Not to mention he’ll steal her eyeliner and get it all icky.

2:34 pm September, 7 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

“however you choose to live do it with all of your heart”

I wonder if that means she’ll let you pee in her butt?

2:57 pm September, 7 Vin Douchal said...

Tom Wolfe’s new book is due out beginning of 2012 or as soon as they finish tattooing the final draft on her ribs

3:05 pm September, 7 tall guy said...

More small, firm tits; more evidence for the case for selective sterilisation.

3:07 pm September, 7 tall guy said...

not sure if that last bit came out right, but anyway…titties!

3:08 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

@Troy, these people thrive off of attention. You stop paying attention to them they wilt. Kinda like plants and Zyzz. So do you really give a shit about these people? I’m sorry, what to they contribute to society other than STDs and bad music? Nothing. Thats why smart people don’t give a shit.

3:45 pm September, 7 douchebagel said...

if his corpse lay rotting in the desert, would it attract or scare off the vultures?

3:53 pm September, 7 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

test test test

3:57 pm September, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Nazi uniforms were the most awesome in modern warfare. If only their fashion sense approved of Jews we would have a lot more people working for Obama. Not that that is relevant to anything unless they harkon from that there Chicago mafia town. I don’t mean that in a politico way cause I’m a slow talking hoser stoner A.
.
Hot Waitress don’t get no loving from no one.

4:01 pm September, 7 Vin Douchal said...

Shirtless, greased up, ubermoob festerpuds
.
.

Kirk and McCoy agree

4:03 pm September, 7 Stephanie said...

Smart people can come to the site to mock. It’s a hobby. And I don’t really give a shit,only that I wish those birds would peck havoc metal’s eyes out.

4:07 pm September, 7 Scrotation Marks said...

What the fuck is in his shorts? Is it a phone with a floral douchcover?

4:23 pm September, 7 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

Well said, El Bastardo

4:24 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

@ ReaChed, that would sting more if I was a washed up addict whose wife holds the purse strings.

4:27 pm September, 7 Anonymous said...

chickswholooklikeHunterS.Thompsonwithdouchebags.com

4:30 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

Oh wait, that’s you RevChad.

4:38 pm September, 7 Medusa Oblongata said...

Lettering tattoos, especially on the ribs, are the new tribal. This is for shit heads who want a tattoo because everyone else has tattoos. But they have no idea what they want, and they certainly don’t want something their friends might think was uncool. So where they once came in and picked out some lamefuck tribal crap from the flash racks, they come in and pick out fonts. And then say some meaningless jibberish like the above, because this is all words that no one can ever live up to. Worse yet, they get something that reads like a grocery list of supposed virtues or attributes: ‘Live Laugh Love’, “Live Life”, “Love Life”, Love Protect Honor’, Cherish Love Believe’ and so on. You could pick three words out of the dictionary, and as long as one of them is “Love”, some twit has it tattooed on her wrist, her foot or her ribs. Marvelous, stirring words of poetry, song and great speeches have been reduced to trite babble on account of having to tattoo it over and over again. Fuck all three of these oxygen-stealers; may God have little or no mercy on their souls.

4:49 pm September, 7 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I was so blinded by my hatred for Havoc – or was it by my boner courtesy of Crystal Bleeth Teeth? – that I forgot to mention, again, how the GSR is much better than the “Ho Chi Minh Pubic Trail.”

4:51 pm September, 7 Hot Waitress said...

Hey RevChad, what else ya got? You better Metamucil up old man. No attractive woman I know would touch you. Youre lucky your wife agrees to sleep in the same bed as you. I feel sorry for that poor woman. What with your hideous feet and what not. You’re old dude. Your running with the big dogs days are over.
.
.
.
.
Old Yellas.

5:49 pm September, 7 Capt. James T. Douche said...

@ Medusa Oblongota, well put! Rib cage dialogue is the new tribal tattoo, atleast though there is some comfort in the knowledge that in a couple of years the Vegas pool scene will dry up for people like this, they’ll succumb to an obscure suburban existence and shit out a couple of Bleeth/douche larvae (thus the circle of douche life continues) and that once clever dialogue will look like a Rhorschach test. Every morning in the mirror will be a requiem of days spent rubbing elbows with the cream of the douche crop at Wet Republic and nights Bleething it up at Pure and Tao in a vodka and redbull haze topping off thier evening of youthful frivolities being pecker slapped silly by guys like rockerbag.

5:53 pm September, 7 troy tempest said...

@Hot Waitress:

Old age and connexions will out do youth and vitality EVERY TIME.

6:16 pm September, 7 schlicht bindenburger said...

poolipian tattphorz shitzspray! booparpian wankwhores spudborp! YOU CUNTS!

6:23 pm September, 7 Steve L. said...

failed coke dealers and trannies do not mix.

6:43 pm September, 7 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

I miss the simpler times of ten years ago, when all we had to fear was fear itself (plus a few dozen batshit crazy Muslims), and all we had to mock were mullets.
.
,
.
R.I.P. http://www.mulletsgalore.com

6:47 pm September, 7 Guid is Good said...

If I wanted to read something I’d grab a book – not a Bleeth.

8:03 pm September, 7 El Bastardo Magnifico said...

@Troy
I doubt the Tea Party fucksticks will be out causing mischief any time soon. They’d have to miss American Idol if they wanted to do that. I see what you’re saying, though.

@Hot Waitress
The truck stop glory hole has free waffle night? Well that certainly changes my opinion.

8:38 pm September, 7 The Dude said...

@4.01 Vin D
Songtines, I visit here, and that night I have bizarre nightmares.
.

For tonight’s Kirk and McCoy nightmare, I blame you, sir. boo!

8:39 pm September, 7 The Dude said...

well, that and the GOP debate

8:47 pm September, 7 The Dude said...

I have a thought about right side bleeth.
.

What happens in her ass, stays in her ass.

8:53 pm September, 7 creature said...

well boss, simply ram an asbestos coated pipe up it’s ass!
.
.
.
….Hot Waitress is a troll by every other name & is that what attention seekers thrive on???please tell us more of what smart people think…I’m riveted

9:55 pm September, 7 Douchble Helix said...

IIRC, Wesley was only mostly dead. Not quite killed, Boss.

10:05 pm September, 7 Anonymous said...

This is DJ Asshat

[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/iZC0G.jpg[/IMG]

Fucking tool.

10:06 pm September, 7 Anonymous said...

DJ Asshat

http://i.imgur.com/iZC0G.jpg

12:42 am September, 8 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

I think the dork who did his tatt misspelled YAHOO. Anyway they just fired their CEO and the stock is tanking. Glad I just bought into that T Rowe Price technology fund.

And that is one hell of a tall Douchebag hat…at only 10 degree tilt it still takes the cake.

1:01 am September, 8 Jacques Doucheteau said...

This guy’s about as metal as a bowl of hard candies.

1:36 am September, 8 Jacques Doucheteau said...

There was this one time I was so constipated I couldn’t take a crap for days. The swollen pain in my bowels eventually became so intense I spend about two hours on the toilet pushing, waiting, pushing, waiting. Then a contraction came, and the head began to poke through. I felt the sharp pain of my splitting sphincter shoot up through my insides like a rod of glass was just inserted and broken off in my colon.
.
The massive bulbous tip was out, but now what? I can’t very well suck it back in, but I dreaded the compacted mass of dense matter crowding my rectal cavity like the meat of a microwaved hotdog bursting out of its casing. Visions of violent prolapse filled my head with each excruciating millimeter of progress, replete with grunts, pain, tears, and begging dear sweet Jesus to end the suffering.
.
It took at least 30 minutes to slowly work the monster through my over-stretched rectum, but when it was out, boy was it out. The flood gates were open, and a torrent of fluffy wet septic juice expelled itself from my gaping anus, its gritty liquid working into the spitting lacerations gouged into my no longer elastic butthole, stinging like a thousand shit and lemon soaked sewing needles.
.
I had to wipe. Dare I? Okay, so I didn’t wipe so much as gingerly dab. The double-ply quilted teddy bear softness felt like rusty steel wool being ground into my raw posterior. Should I look? I had, nay, needed to inspect the damage somehow. The leftovers on the tissue would be my hospital visit litmus test.
.
I looked. I shouldn’t have.
.
The swirling mix of blood, mucus, runny feces and bits of indistinguishable organic material instantly sent me into a dizzy spell. Were those bits of tomato skin and oatmeal, or what’s left of my intestinal flora? Then the accompanying smell hit my nostrils, and savaged them like a cheese grater. I had neither the forewarning or fortitude to battle the ensuing vomit. My insides shuddered from stem to stern with each heave, invoking gurgling yelps of pain and more tears. Blood, sweat, tears, and shit.
.
For the next couple of days, each fart felt like getting whipped in the anus with a leather belt. A shredded, cracked leather belt.
.
Major Havoc here is that apocryphal turd, and the Hot Topic that shat him out is my collapsed colon.

3:56 am September, 8 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@JD^
.
That was a beautiful story everyone can relate to. Salty tears.
.
Turds

4:07 am September, 8 Tanath said...

the torture machine is called The Machine…I just sucked one year of your life away…how do you feel? and remember, it’s for prosperity, so be honest…

5:07 am September, 8 Ohio FJ said...

“Nevermore”

7:39 am September, 8 Anonymous said...

@Tanath, it was better than wasting a year watching TV I guess.

7:56 am September, 8 UFO Destroyers said...

@JD
Are we related? We must have the same colon. It’s always an adventure. Do your feet go to sleep sitting on the can too?

8:37 am September, 8 Troy Tempest said...

@JD – speaking from experience – don’t use dry TP. Pull out a length, ball it up and then run the water in the sink. for an instant put it in the water stream. That will be plenty. It will be COOL and SOFT and WET. Wipe your butt with THAT. It will feel much better and get your butt just as clean.

10:36 am September, 8 Hurl Scheibe said...

Some needs to tell the crows that Major Havoc is the bastard grand-love child of Tippi Hedren.

Aves.

10:55 am September, 8 every which way but douche said...

Left Hott looks like she’s struggling to hold on to her Ben-Wa balls.

7:58 pm September, 8 Ballaboss said...

If your the lead guitarist of guns n roses i guess you can pull of the metal look…. I mean who else could pull that if he cant?

8:18 pm September, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

Baby wipes. We swear by ’em over in Casa Oblongata, what with all the red meat we eat.

9:53 pm September, 8 Douchebag Appologist said...

lol I gotta give him bonus points though for the original tats.

1:11 am September, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

And, as my old man used to say when we brats picked our noses, “Caw, caw, boogie!”

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