Thursday, September 8, 2011

Reader Mail: The Kadebag Gets a Job

Sergeant Scrote Stain reports in from the front with a report on an old uberdouche, Arthur Kade:

—–
‘Tis been a while DB1.

As a wildly undeserving member of the Hall of Mock, it is incumbent upon me to shed light onto one of the more hilarious happenings of my past month, or three… or year (who really knows, my life isn’t all that exciting).

There was a time in the storied run of “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” in which a colossal Pud-Giant rose to scrotastic heights that even Jason Beinlich – i.e Stackhouse, for you non-stalkers – dared not touch. This man brought forth a stench of vanity rivaled only by Saddam Hussein’s left testicle, the immortal Arthur Kade.

For those of you who missed the epicenter of pudwhackery that was Kade, rest assured, he is the wretched stench of egotistical douche personified. His website is a treasure trove of unintentional comedy, just classic stuff.

Anyways, as the seasoned Baghunters are aware, Kade’s antics grew tired and we left his bloated gel-enhanced mug behind for fresh sources of douchetastic entertainment (as we always do. Except in Fish Slap’s case. We do not tire of his reek. And by the way, F&#K Fish Slap!).

But Authur Kade is back. And oh god, is it with a vengeance.

I was hanging out in the living room at my Mom’s house watching some TV with the family on Labor Day, because that’s what we hatters do. My Mom is really into murder mystery and true crime shows, because, of course, we’re a family of morbid sickos. And an especially horrific program came on Discovery – Investigation and Discover. The show is called, “Who the Bleep Did I Marry,” and is about unassuming spouses married to secret monsters; riveting stuff. Episode is titled “The Corpse’s Bride” and tells the story of Michael Mastromarino.

Here’s a quick synopsis of Michael Mastromarino’s life achievements: After losing his licence to practice dentistry, because he was a drug addict who was stealing drugs from his own clinic, then shooting up in the bathroom, then performing procedures on unsuspecting patients, Mr. Mastromarino was forced to find a new source of income. So, he started his own biomedical company that delivered donated body parts to hospitals for surgeries and studies. The only problem was that Michael was stealing the bodies and illegally harvesting their organs and fraudulently selling off the booty. This guy was a real winner. And of course, is now serving a life sentence.

Why does this matter? Well, because in any documentary type show, you have to reenact the story. And who played the infamous body snatcher? That’s right, Aurthur Kade. HOW F%@CKING PERFECT!

As the show started, I kept thinking, “I know that face, I know that guy… IT”S AUTHUR KADE… AHAHAHAHA!!!!” (That was my exact thought process, which took at least four minutes too long due to my intoxication).

Sometimes, society just gets it right.

Lates,

Sergeant Scrote Stain

————-

The Kadebag will undoubtedly love the attention (any attention) that no-talent hack can find. Still, it looks like that QVC Audition Tape finally paid off.

# posted by douchebag1
1:22 pm September, 8 Geoffrey said...

#iHateThatCunt

1:28 pm September, 8 THEONETRUEDOUCHE said...

Who is the bigger douche: Michael Mastromarino or Arthur Kade. Discuss

1:31 pm September, 8 Douchble Helix said...

Blessed relief, especially for the Boss:
http://blog.moviefone.com/2011/09/02/sexiest-woman-of-the-summer-2011/?ref=mostpopular#photo-1

1:48 pm September, 8 jonezy said...

I can only imagine SSS’s head exploding when he realized who it was. That is awesome.

1:52 pm September, 8 Anonymous said...

I couldn’t make it past him describing what his butt looks like in his Ssstheven Jeansss. Wonder if Stackhouse will ever try out his schtick and cook up some turkeys with Paula Dean.

1:54 pm September, 8 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Like Arthur Kade, I have enormous shoulders and a wide back.
.
.Unlike him, I don’t enjoy the taste of another man’s sex organ

1:56 pm September, 8 Troy Tempest said...

Arthur Kade is one of those weird forces of nature. One day, a mommy warthog shat out a deformed fucked up baby warthog. IT was stupid, even for a warthog. It was abandoned because it was ugly and stupid, but somehow it survived. Kade is much like such a warthog. It’s not what he is that’s an issue – there’s a million douchenozzles out there (Stackhouse and Stackhouse wannabes) waiting to fill Kade’s shoes. What makes Kade amazing is that he has been able to jerk the system for so long and some how thrive on the adversity he so richly deserves.

2:25 pm September, 8 Steve L. said...

after his stint as Michael Mastromarino is over, Arthur Kade should summarily donate his organs to good causes.
.
and not posthumously either. his organs become more and more unusable with every passing second.

2:29 pm September, 8 Anonymous said...

@Steve L., I’m pretty sure he might be down for donating his ssthex organ to another man’s buttocks like right now.

2:34 pm September, 8 Vin Douchal said...

The pouch in the foreskin of any of the Jersey Shore dudes ( including Snooki’s) have more talent than Arthur Kade. The next time we hear from him better be a tragic tale of failure, I beseech thee
.

3:12 pm September, 8 Southern Scrotic said...

“Oral Surgeon”
.
heh heh heh

3:31 pm September, 8 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Gee, really? Who gives a fuc??

3:41 pm September, 8 The Dude said...

Those aren’t bar sluts — they’re hostages, and they’re suffering from Hell-Sphincter Syndrome.

3:41 pm September, 8 The Dude said...

as in Hell-Sphincter, Sweden – er, Finland.

4:14 pm September, 8 Someone said...

This is very old news, because Kade has completely “reinvented” himself as an interviewer. No longer is he bragging about being an A-list actor (even though he only had done background, and this body snatcher role with no lines), Pew-litzer prize-winning & New York Times bestselling author, and all-around awesome clubgoer, but he is now interviewing the “best in the business” (look at some of the names of people he’s interviewed on his Youtube page)…yeah, top notch there, Kadester.
The vast majority of people who know about Arthur Kade no longer care anything about him anymore; gone are the days when his blog posts would get 200+ comments. He has disabled the comments on his webpage and on some videos he has posted as well. The few left who do visit Kadehole’s page do so out of morbid curiousity and to laugh at his ever-downward-spiralling life.
No doubt he will add this HCwDB post to the ‘Press/Media’ section on his webpage and proclaim that he is still relevant. Rest assured, he is not.

4:26 pm September, 8 tall guy said...

What’s with that chick on right?
*shudders*

4:52 pm September, 8 Douchble Helix said...

Large purses in photos usually indicate women in transit.

5:09 pm September, 8 SocialNetworkist said...

Large pusses on women usually indicate a relation to Plinky.

5:14 pm September, 8 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Huge shoulders?
.
So Arthur Kade reinvented himself as an oral surgeon named Michael Mastro something and started snatching bodies?

5:17 pm September, 8 Mr. White said...

This is what I find hilarious: On the average YouTube video, there are usually (a) three amusing comments, (b) several hundred comments riddled with spelling and grammatical errors and calling everyone a fag, and (c) a varying percentage of ardent supporters/defenders of whatever abomination you’re watching.
.
Kade appears to have c = 0.

7:18 pm September, 8 Stephanie said...

Now I should give two shits about Arthur Kade? I never saw a guy discuss clothing like that. Whatta nobody. Go Packers.

7:59 pm September, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

I had the audio off for the QVC vid, and rightfully so. Just the sight of Arthur Kade’s face made me reflexively torn to my three-headed hellhound, Peanut Oblongata, and punch her in the far left face. That’s the one that can talk. And then I had to sit here and think really hard, “Who the hell was Arthur Kade again? I know the name, I know I hate the guy, but I have no idea what he did to make me feel that way. And after five minutes of getting cussed out by Peanut’s talking head, I remembered. Well, what a thoroughly unremarkable lump of cellular material he was, if it took me that long to remember,
.
And he looks NOTHING like Mr. Mastromarino. Did they tell Arthur he had to grow his eyebrows back before he started taking male roles?
.
Gaffers.

8:00 pm September, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ SSS–I do hope you’re going to sue the network for emotional damages.
.

Plaintiffs.

8:05 pm September, 8 Colormedouche said...

In other news… this poor Alpaca 🙁

11:16 pm September, 8 Jacques Doucheteau said...

You couldn’t pay ME $1.99 to download that episode.
.
Amazon.com just got 3% more douchey.

5:32 am September, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sweet Holy Fuck! I just found out that I can by Arthur Kade’s jeans for 4 easy payments of just $50. Where the fuck is my Reverend Rush Pre-paid Visa card?

9:24 pm September, 9 Idiot said...

@tall guy:
The name of the chick on the right is Sabrina Strickland. Apparently she used to be a stripper, and apparently she also sounds like her dad when she talks. Kade started using the word “Gunt” to describe the stomach-vagina connector bump that he saw on some women, and the Kade haters immediately applied this term to Sabrina, giving her the nickname “The Gunt.”
Medusa Oblongata’s comment at 7:59 PM is a perfect example that not all press is good press. Even though Arthur continually put himself out there and got nothing but flack for it, he got attention…BUT, it was negative attention, and if someone is remembered for being hated, they will be forgotten just as quickly. In this day and age, the old saying, “There is no such thing as bad press” has been destroyed, and Arthur Kade proved that.

12:33 am September, 11 Whoop-di-douche said...

Arthur Kade
Arcade
Pinball
Pinhead
Yep

10:22 pm September, 12 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Fuck this douche!!! He’s a watered down Tucker Max wannabe!!

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