Saturday, October 1, 2011

Comment of the Week: Barron Von Douchehoven

Another of HCwDB’s many Barons wins the coveted CotW with this gem from Thursday’s Asswipius the III:

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Once as a young growing up in a quaint gingerbread Bavarian village, you know the one. I happened upon a near-fatally contuse and bruised tortoise left on a moist cobblestone road to expire. In haste I gathered him and his belongings into my satchel and rushed him to my “hidden place” where my childhood accomplice Kroeger (not to be confused with a Rev. by a similar name) and I generously nursed him back to health. Using only the finest faux gilded salad spoons that money could buy we would pry provisions into his ever hesitant gob. I never imagined in a hundred years that my wee countryman would grow into such an laudable gunk-mire of a thug.
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Then today I see him frolicking with a deuce of Bleeth and their delicate suckle trove. He is now known as “Asswipus”, not “the Great”, or “the ever thankfull”, no! So I say unto Asswipus, go! and enjoy the unholy Douchepocalypse, for I have scratched myself of you and your evil ways.

——

# posted by douchebag1
1:06 pm October, 1 Steve L. said...

next time i see a helpless animal needing help laying the a roadside, i’m killing it.

1:06 pm October, 1 Steve L. said...

oh and FIRST MUTHAFUCKAS!

1:15 pm October, 1 Steve L. said...

@ myself 1:06 PM,
laying BY THE roadside.
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i don’t know what happened there.

1:18 pm October, 1 douchebag1 said...

Steve L., just you n’ me on this Saturday. Have a Hoho.

1:28 pm October, 1 creature said...

^ or just half of one

1:50 pm October, 1 Steve L. said...

Hoho-induced sugar rush FTW.

1:59 pm October, 1 Et Tu Douche? said...

Man I thought Mr. Scrotato Heads comment in the
Burning Crotch thread was a lock for the win this week. No disrespect to the Baron but Scrotato was robbed.

2:23 pm October, 1 Bigphatnotadouche said...

HoHo’s are good.

2:36 pm October, 1 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I’m still lost on “contuse”

4:51 pm October, 1 creature said...

“I’m craving salt, baby, let me lick the volcanic zit”

5:01 pm October, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I tried prying provisions into a hesitant gob once and got kicked in the nuts. That’s what he said.

5:42 pm October, 1 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Anyone can be a Baron these days. Sheesh.

5:44 pm October, 1 Baron von Jacques Doucheteau said...

Good stuff though.

6:03 pm October, 1 Anonymous said...

I like turtle stories.

7:26 pm October, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

As deer season approaches and the must of rotting dry leaves and wet dog shit gets my olfactory system into the spirit of my favourite freezing season, fucking Fall, I am reminded that I tend to write in long, seldom- punctuated ramblings which may or may not be coherent to the outside viewer.
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So now that it’s fall and the foozballers are back on TV, harvest themes seem to appear at the adjacent homes of suburbia where Jesus may or may not be present and preparing to welcome kin and kith home with thanks giving. New clothes all around for the little chipmunks and fucking dance lessons started again. Really Kelli, a few grand for four months of hip-hop, ballet, and tap. Where’s my fucking gun? I could have bo

7:28 pm October, 1 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^I fell asleep.

8:09 pm October, 1 The Dude said...

Fall is an exhausting season.

9:24 pm October, 1 Vin Douchal said...

Fucking Indian Bingo. The old lady drags me there for Bingo but can ya leave when Bingo’s over? NooooOOoo, gotta drop another stack of C Notes in the casino…. Fuckers… stick to 7-11’s and quit plying my kindness with Fosters on tap
.
.

8:44 am October, 2 Banana Hammock said...

Baron Von BananaHammock?

9:27 am October, 2 Barron Von Douchehoven said...

What a surprise and honor it is to be bestowed CotW when fellow Laureates, Master Scrotato Head and Sir Dark Sock’s lampoon are kindred to George Bernard Shaw’s investment in thought, inspiration and punctuation…
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Like many here, the Barron has gone by many monikers over the past couple years. Due to this public acknowledgement BVD may be a new permanent squat.
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@Et Tu Douche 1:59, I concur, my best guess is that DB1’s voting board fell for the underdog’s late entry of whimsical mockery this time around. Assume that the bar has been lifted for the Barron, I shall do my best to keep up quipping the douche and revering in the hott.

8:23 pm October, 2 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

The good Barron most definitely deserves the recognition. My post was but a humorous twist on the Narrator’s speech from “The Road Warrior”. I’m sure the Boss noticed, and it would be unfair to award it Comment of the Week. That would be like recognizing my engineering capabilities for adding fuzzy dice and a Playboy airf reshener to the rearview mirror of a Farrari. Now, if only this recognition had been around in the fun filled and frollicksome days of my obsession with Francine.

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