Friday Thoughts and Links
As your humble narrator reflects on his past year of sins, and prepares to spend a day without HoHos nor Night Train, I consider where HCwDB will go in the new year.
Whither HCwDB? My love for this site and its readers, and my deep pleasure in mocking thousands of arrogant and narcissistic choadwanks and lusting after their ill deserved hottquisitions, continues.
But whereto and wherefore?
After the 2011 Douchie Awards, I may turn this site into a more generalized and random reflection of my thoughts on life, pop culture, post-structuralism and other assorted things. Or maybe we finally let some readers join the mainpage as regular contributors.
Lots to figure out. But the site will most certainly continue. That I promise.
But for now, I atone. My many sins include far too frequent starings at the firmness of May’s perfect suckle thigh, Sweaty Sally.
But is that really a sin? If G-d hadn’t wanted me to look, he wouldn’t have produced such spectatular suckle gnaw.
Here’s your Links:
Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “You can’t compete? Are you kidding? You’re Chris Brander. You’re Hollywood, you date models! He’s Jersey, he skis in his jeans. It’s Dinkleman. It’s Dusty Dinkleman!”
Nearly forgotten 2010 HCwDB of the Year winning douchebag Stackhouse starts up his own business venture. Hmm. Where’s my left-handed Jew lawyer when I need him.
Why Stackhouse likes to eat at McDonalds.
For my New England readers, a moment of silence for the late, great Friendly’s Restaurant. My Dad took me there for ice-cream after every screening of “The Empire Strikes Back” I dragged him to (approximately nine).
I’m currently obsessed with weird Japanese children’s commercials with facist undertones.
While I’d almost forgotten about her, apparently Lindsey Something or Other has been out whoring it up with the lost Wilson brother, Douchus Wilson.
Some pseudo-intellectuals on a blog try to deconstruct the post-structuralist signifiers of HCwDB’s critique of pure reason. Fail to reference boobies.
The great Bill Hicks in a clip from The Dennis Miller show. I can’t tell which is more tragic, that Bill Hicks died or that Dennis Miller lived.
When monkeys save puppies, there is always hope.
But you are not here for monkeys saving puppies. Well, actually, you probably are. But here’s some Pear:
And that’s about as good a lineup of links as it gets around here. Hike!
When monkeys save puppies, there is always hope.
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But you are not here for monkeys saving puppies. Well, actually, you probably are.
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Ummmmm, actually, that was a cool link and nice diversion from the onslaught of scrote. And puppies being saved makes Wheezer happy.
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So do female football fans with luscious ass pear. BRB…..
You are bringing me down, Son. The future of the site is all bunnies and balloons, as has been foreseen by the ghost of Michael Landon who appears before me every night to tell me to wake up and not pee the bed again.
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Wire Hangers!
Texans beat Raiders this weekend
Poo washes the body out…..?
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Is this why douchebags douse their ‘roided out bodies in Axe and Tag? Stackhouse, your thoughts?
Boss, I’m sure that “let some readers join” comment, combined with Sweet Sweaty Sandy, was meant to send me into priapism induced shock. I can write (and masturbate) with the fury of a million monkeys.
That’s not football pear. That’s Foozball pear. The pseudo-intellectuals are the yearly graduates of Feminism: 101, Psych: 101, and Talking Out Of Asses: 101, Homophobia:101. I didn’t undersatand a bird they said, but I been into the Wild Turkey.
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Did I tell yous that the remaining Premier (Governor) of Ontario wants to teach kindergarten kids about crossdressing, and why Andy has two Dad’s and shit. To open Muslim schools so they can plot shit against us and shit. I’m gonna shoot this fucker cause he ruined one of my companies with his commie lies.
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Voters
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And Choad I am taking my anger out on food with a Tomato Cheese Souffle served on a lattice of bacon with a side of Leek and Fennel Ragout with Garlic SaffronToast Points.
And cheap booze.
Anybody else here have to look up “Hypergamy”? By the fifth comment I was convinced none of them knew what they were talking about but weren’t about to admit it.
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And Stacky, it’s not a real business if you post something every 2-3 weeks. My high school age son’s best friend works at McDonalds every weekend. Guaranteed he’s making more out of his career choice than you.
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And boss, changing HCwDB? Ok. Ending HCwDB? Not ok.
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anal mou5.
No one poooooooo-oooop.
the pseudo intellectuals comments thread didn’t appear to have any references to equine posteriors being micturated in.
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Once.
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It’s just a matter of time
I fear “Man Sperm”. I fear that Man Sperm will crush. Melinda? Well, Melinda could suck my dick.
And to echo Dude McCrudeshoes sentiment, if you put a million monkeys in a room and gave them all the time in the world, they still wouldn’t come up with “I peed in a horse once”.
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I guess what I’m saying is we’re all better than monkeys. Not by much, and we are known to fling poo when startled. And I for one, will work for HoHos.
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Or hos.
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Or ho5.
First you make that unilateral decision about how you will choose the DBoTW. Now this broadside.
Run and get me something to beat you with.
And I begged and cajoled and argued that that fuck Shithouse was missing the Hot Chick component of HCwDB of The Year. But no…….
Fuck y’all. Live with it.
Re: Pseudo-intellectuals and their deconstruction of our beloved site. Give it up braniacs, I’ve been saying all along this place is filled with douchebags calling out other douchebags. They think their “saving” these hott bleeths but really their just trying to woo these women to hop from one douchey dick to their own douchey dick. And if you try and reason with these people farm animals get peed in. It’s just not worth it. The only way to fight back is with mock. Everyone is fair game from Rev Chadhouse to 4CreatureProng to DB1 registered trademark, himself. And yeah this site is filled with mostly straight guys (I’m looking at you too Stephanie) but there are at least two women on here who are aware that this is first and foremost a comedy site and if I took anything said here personally I might want to consider taking my sensitive ass over to Oprah.com.
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Nancy Dreuche, put me in the Hall Of Mock or I tell everyone you’re gay.
Stackhouse’s blog and the pseudo-intellectual blog thread made the exact same amount of sense to me. Hypergamy is what my balls smell like after my morning jog.
Isn’t that Hillary Duff and the guy who builds homes for the downtrodden in like, I don’t know, five minutes?
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me! Not Friendly’s !!?? !!? Where am I gonna get a Fribble now?
Hotties on Stackhouse blog, they could suck my dick.
I weep for Friendly’5. Where i was first introduced to buttering the outside of a hotdog bun and upside-down ice cream cones in dishes. With faces.
Say what you want about Jersey (there is plenty to say, and simply no defending it) but several Friendly’5 locations will remain open for now.
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H8ed
Or a Big Beef?
Never trust a monkey with a dog.
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As an impressionable, insecure heathen child, I had reoccurring nightmares about those hideous flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. Remember when they abducted little Toto, and flew him off to the Witch’s lair to be humiliated and fondled?
As a fourteen-year-old, I would wake up in convulsions, screaming, with childhood urine slowly leaking across my plastic sheets, down the side of the bed and on to the cold hardwood floor. (Micheal Landon never woke me, the fuck.) To my horror, I dreamt my own cherished family pet was being whisked away by ghoulish, winged primates at the behest of a maniacal, green-faced autocrat.
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To this day, I have no faith in the benevolence of self-appointed hero monkeys. That little bastard no doubt, has evil intentions for that unsuspecting puppy.
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Probably taking him to a test-laboratory or a Korean restaurant for some quick cash.
One more thing I’m going to have to do on Yom Kippur – forgive DB1 for not posting this link:
Doug Stanhope: Fuck the Yankees
Go Tigers!
Man … pseudo-intellectual completely destroys his arguments on the last line. Good on him/her/it.
@BallSac
so when do you bring the comedy?
Hermit, you & I both know that monkey is gonna hump that puppy to death
@4CreatureProng, I’ve been wondering the same thing about you. Another thing we agree on.
@ Wheezer
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“And puppies being saved makes Wheezer happy.” And me too. In fact, why don’t we pool our money (hell, let’s accept donations too) and create an animal sanctuary. Let’s call it something catchy like, Earth. We’ll kick off almost everything that walks upright (4 legs good, 2 legs bad. Love ya Orwell!) and only keep enough of them necessary to attend to the sick or injured 4 leggers. I’m not too big a fan of monkeys (they did evolve and the ones that didn’t seem to have become Yankees fans) so we’ll have to make sure to keep a special eye on them. What says you?
Monkeys have nothing but evil intentions for smaller critters that they take in. Observe. I’ll save some of you the terror and say I dedicate this link to bcs.
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Intellectual blog: STFU. The “Straight women” you asked are in their early twenties, attend a large University, and love pink drinks. You didn’t ask a Romanian with cannonball tits who drives trucks for a living, a bespectacled avian scientist from Sweden, or a coffee-slurping, middle-aged tattoo artist. Because I guarantee you I, and my two friends, would laugh the balls off of any dude on this site if he were to approach us in real life.
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RE Dennis Miller: I don’t care what anyone says. I would let that man come over and play “Let’s See If This Fits” for seventeen hours straight as long as he ranted the whole time about whatever was irking him that day. That furrowed-brow look he gets when his eyes get all steely and he says, “I don’t wanna get off on a rant here” gets me so steamy in the nethers I’m scooting my ass on the rug like the dog before I even figured out what he’s going to talk about.
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RE this pic: Mitzi and the Abominable Snowdouche.
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Have a great weekend, Ladies and Germs. Tonight, we bonfire, tomorrow I paint. And I squarely blame DB1 for this next abomination.
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Listen Boss. If regulars are going to become contributors I volunteer to send pithy updates on the douche plague from Australia. I’m happy to intern with Medusa. I’d work well under her.
I’d like to split her uprights!
Lo as I heal from the epic epicurean fail that was tonight’s supper and now the proverbial dog’s breakfast, I reflect on DB1’s depressing and flaccid message to Yom Kippur. Is there a dearth of douchebags? A blight of bleeth? I don’t know. Is Yom Kippur related to Ted Kopple.
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As an RC Jesus follower I atone in a different way from my semitic she-chattle. They eat their bacon and chug Mogan-David while I meditate to the profundities of this mortal kolbassa we find ourselves wound in full of grease, faux intestine casing, and assorted herbs and chunks of fat, and a bunch of P.I.I.G.S.
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The world is going to hell in an Armani drawstring purse. Ed Hardy is dancing with the devil at midnight. The horse walks throught the desert with no name for the 38th year. And all the while, all the while,….European monks chant for us and to the end of the plague of Nancy Dreuche that we may one day be repentant in our stone and our drink and to feast on the roasted animal at our disposal in the New Jerusalem that Rexella and Jack have promised me at 10:30 EST each Sunday morning.
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So I retire with my beer and my smoke to the hinterlands of the Solstice Grove to give thanks to the great Ojibway and chant the chant of the monks that next week may bring bounty and fulfillment to my brothers on this pebble of salt we sit on as it streaks across the cosmos to an uncertain future, yet a future certain to be fraught with the pitfalls of the past millennia hoping that the spirit of human nature will lead us to a promosed land,, a long promised land of funk. Son.
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Funk so deep that dishes need not be done again. Organs last a lifetime plus 10 years. Pears and peaches hang filled with the juices of life and elixer of delirious rapture that we might live again. Cancer and depresion be damned. Again as if under Eisenhower without the bullshit. A chicken in every pot, an Edsel in every dumpster. A man with his woman and quiet kids. Black and white TV’s as far as Cunninghams’s Hardware can see. Fonzie hasn’t jumped the shark yet and the Soviets are asshole blind drunk and terrified of the evil West as we eat our frozen dinners and powdered fruit juices in the backyard bunkers mirroring the sad souls of consumerism our company picnics mask with disgust and drunking glad-handing while the boss slips it to your wife at the club while you are working the weekend auditing the inventory.
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But the world is still a wonderful world isn’t it. We lost Jimmy Durante but we got Jimmy Kimmel. Rosemary is dead but we still have one Clooney. Freddie died a long time ago but GaGa is going to replace her. Kate Smith died but the Flyer’s still suck big African cocks.
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As the people of the desert atone for their many sins including Weiner and Clinton. We Canadian christians lay down our swords of wrath and seek a clean turkey so that we may be full and sleepy, perchance to fuck our second cousins. Amen in funk my brothers. I gonna bring on the funk in a right and rapturous way. The way of the Lord of my pants. The way of the slow cool funk. I’m not talking your Usher and Barry MAnilow funk. I’m talking da funk. And it’s not my soon to be divorced retarded brother and I’m not taking any junk except the Barley Brown. Brown like downtown niggas. Let’s hit the funk. Funky funk. I got the funk.
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The white knit cap featured in the photo above has depressed me to the point where I am now deleting the 63,231 songs on my iPod, including the rousing rendition of “Up With People,” as performed by the New Christy Minstrels, and I am downloading everything ever farted out by Morrissey, The Smiths and The Cure and all the other English, fag, nihilist, pseudo-intellectual, crypto-pop artists. And I will continue to chug a lug copious amounts of brown alcohol of all pedigrees.
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Postmodernists
I always think of Christmas around this joyous time. And by Christmas I mean drunk. Fuck Stacknhouse.
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Drunk Irish ?cocks.
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DB1: Don’t go a changin anything bro. Some of us really need the daily escape. And keep up with the thicker pears on Fridays. Good and safe weekend to all !
@doc bunsen, re: the Hairspray thread
I hoist my Klein penis to you in tribute, my friend.
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And I’m only 38, damn it. Stop inflating my age.
The Pogues video has sent me spiraling downward into a funky depression that has resulted in me listening to Crowded House, Difford and Tilbrook, The Skels, Big Country, Split Enz, The Young Dubliners, The Plimsoles and Winger. If I only had more Maker’s Mark….
But I don’t want my sour mood to prevent me from wishing all of my fellow mockers gut yontiff.
Young Christy Brinkley Bleeth sure can leg-hump Beau Bridges from the planet Hoth.
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Vaya con Dios, Master Jobs. But honestly, iPhone 4GS?! I feel like the frog in Medusa’s video, and Apple is the monkey.
F*ck Stackhouse AAAAAND monkeys.
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I don’t think that can be said enough.
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yuenglings
@DoucheyWallnuts,
Put on some Dropkick Murphys and chase with Buckcherry stat. You are not in a good place.
Shithouse couldn’t write a blog,to save his life,he’s gotta steal stuff from other sites.And he can’t even size his photos correctly. That’s what he calls,writin’.
And those 2 girls in the garden are fertilizing the plants and he eats their shit.
And yeah,monkeys saving puppies are what it’s all about.
The Brewers won!
DB1: I saw Bill Hicks at Dangerfield’s back in the 80’s. He was the best.
Thanks for the tweets to me @ElwoodBluez.
RIP Charles Napier. “Tucker McElroy. Lead Singer. Driver of the Winnebago”.
“…or maybe we finally let some readers join the mainpage as regular contributors…
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Remember what happened during that last experiment…it was like letting a chimp babysit your prized frog for two weeks…
Although I rather enjoyed the still-unexplained parallel universe comments threads. I think a few regs are still trapped there.
I like this site as it is now, but you’re the boss DB1. And if the readers contributions are as pear oriented as they were last time, why not ?
@ DarkSock 9:39 PM,
i think i just walked into a parallel universe right now.
or a transverse universe. whichever.
Bill Hicks, unreal.
But even Bill would probably concede to Red Football Pear.
Geez, according to the notable illiterate and Tourette’s suffering moron Stackhouse, I am a fat fagot? (I assume with one “g” it is pronounced “fazh-oh” like some french mushroom?)
Stack is on the attack, with his 37 IQ and his 500 word vocabulary. I like it. 🙂
Yarg! Grunt! Snort!! Stackhouse mad!! Grunt! Snort!! Stackhouse want more ‘roids and hair giz!! Grunt!! Snort!!
From the psedo-intellectual blog:
You really have to deal with k and r mate selection affects and the various types of hypergamic markers (strength, money, height, skill, social intelligence, brains,etc) in order to deal with hypergamy in a critical way. What this website seems to show is that the concept of “douchbag” is very loosely defined. Personally most of those men seem perfectly normal and respectable to me. They aren’t your typical gangbangers or rich frat boys or tattooed motorcycle dudes or any other “type” that many in the “menosphere” seem to complain about.
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I think I could probably kick ‘Clarence’s ass. More to the point, if Clarence thinks the dudes on this site are ‘perfectly normal and respectable’ looking–he needs some fucking help.
Did you see Stank celebrating his unemployment hearing win? He got fired, and then told us how he’s about to play COD and suck off the government tit. What a badass. It sounds like he better get that blog rolling, because when prospective employers Google him, he will have a tough time explaining this video.
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http://t.co/d8xjj334
I’m drawn back to this photo. It disgusts and depresses me, yet I cannot turn away. Is this douchbag actor Jerry O’Connell infected with the Progenitor Virus from the Resident Evil games/movies? I am now watching Old Yeller, Million Dollar Baby and Precious, while listening to Johnny Cash, Nine Inc Nails, Bon Iver and the Indigo Girls….
Shithouse wears a Star of David. I better go back and atone a whole bunch more.
^Douchey, watch Medusa’s video for a laugh.
The I got the funk video did the trick. The sun is shining and I am drinking and eating egg salad and drinking. And watching college football while drinking and eating egg salad. Texas is getting raped. They’d be better off drinking and eating egg salad.
Thanks for the shout out Rev Chadhouse, get some…antidepressents. Anyway this picture makes me so sad I’m gonna eat a Klondike bar and watch some real time hockey. At the rink yo. I know I swore I would give it up after last years incident but guess I can’t help myself. Go local sports team bitches.
@Doc Bunsen (3:58 p.m. yesterday) –
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Hey, just as long as one of us two-leggers is the lovely Simone Simons (of Epica), I’ll always have a boner…..errrrr, I mean, I like your idea.
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No wait, both comments apply. Yes.
For more proof^, here’s Simone Simons as a librarian hott (sort of)(/a>…..
I was hiking up the skirt of Mount Kilimanjaro this morning when somehow the Smith’s How Soon is Now got mixed into my ipod’s Alt. Rock genius mix. From the opening chords, I could feel my will to keep breathing leaching out of my being through the soles of my shoes. Then upon hearing Morissey’s supercilious voice, I lay down and curled into the fetal position. I was semi-conscious and near death by the time Morissey mumbled, “and you go home and you cry and you want to die.”
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It was then that I noticed a figure coming towards me. A Chinese Rescue Monkey! The little savior gently opened my mouth and prepared to give me mouth to mouth, or so I thought. Then the diminutive demon exposed his member, shoved it down my throat, and began to hump furiously. There is no such thing as a Chinese Rescue Monkeys. Only gag raping chimps.
Morrisey’s voice is a plague on humanity. If there ever was a soundtrack for sodomy, it would be Morrissey’s voice. The spelling of his name is annoying, and itself invokes feelings of forcible oral and anal sex.Certainly, I don’t want to give anyone the idea that I know what it’s like to be the victim of sodomy, but I did read an awareness pamphlet once, and am familiar with the lyrics of George Michael’s later work. I also have friends who are into consentual forcible sodomy and they have shared their feelings with me in a totally non-sodomy environment. I’m just sayin’….
Also, I am glad Al Davis died. He was a proto douchebag.
Al Davis died decades ago. The embalmers just finally caught up to his corpse.
Al Davis was 1,000 x cooler than any of us could ever hope to be.
^In that his body temperature was 55F?
Al Davis at at one time was the very definition of cool. But that was in the 60′ thru 70’s. Once Father Time decided to apply ointment in a vigorous circular motion hitherto unkown to the people of our area but destined to replace the muncharg in our mythology, his decline was set in place. The Raiders were doomed for decades
I have to have a runny shit before returning to the non-genius of Ben Stiller on SNL. The toilet bowl will be Al Davis and I will forcibly coprophage him in effigy to a Pet Shop Boys soundtrack.
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Depeche Modes
Fuck Al Davis…the lead singer AND driver of the Winnebago’s gone; Charles Napier died at 75.
All those hypergamy commenters have lost sight, or never even seen, the “founding story” of HCwDB, the Grieco virus spreading to otherwise hot chicks and dragging them down to the lower common denominator of loserz.
It’s always a good thing to re-tell the founding story each year, like a Christmas pageant or Passover week with seder, lest folks old and new to the site lose sight of what it’s all about in the first place.
But like a pidgin language evolving into a creole evolving into a dialect, lots of thangs are lost in the movement over time. And other thangs are added to the spicy gumbo.
And I reckon the Hall of Fame is best appreciated by the old-timers. Nothing can reconstruct the energy of a thread gone out of control in the middle of its riotous run.
Or as T.S.Eliot so aptly said it, “In the room, people come and go,” and we’ll leave the Michelangelo crap out of it since we’re here to mock the hott chicks and their douchebags.
i just got my nursing degree. the mf from “kill it with fire” has a thyroid problem. seriously; i doubt he’ll see this, but, mocking aside, he should see his physician. idk. maybe it’s an underlying condition with db’s. disregard. let him die. not peacefully.
Shartstack sucks donkey balls!!!!!
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Re; Friendly’s
A big Beef cheeseburger & fribble was Americana at its finest, I’ll miss that winning combination.
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Speaking of Americana, Drive By Truckers kick ass!!!!, thank to VIn & Hermit for turning me on to the good stuff.
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My first reaction when I saw Red Football Pear, was Goaalllllllllllll!!!! and by goallllllll I mean I got a semi chub.
I have to wonder if Stacky’s “moderator” will post this on post #2? Hmmmmm…..
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Your comment is awaiting moderation.
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Stackhouse’s Stepdad #3 on October 9, 2011 at 1:58 pm
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Does this mean you’re also going to carry “Seasonal Ass Pear”? Damn kid, when your seven other step-dads and I collected the funds you needed for rent and this little website, we thought you might put a little more effort into it.
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Lazy ass.
I don’t know if that’s the name of my new band, but “Gag Raping Chimps” is definitely going to be an album title.
Napier? Charles Napier? Yea brother!
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Why does the Cialis logo depict two stout midgets waddling defiantly into a blast furnace?
I’m getting concerned ’bout the chief. The holidays, retrospection, his pseudo-announcement, and now, no Sunday shitty video, yet.
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Dark Sock, maybe you’d better run over there and check on things. Take a hand mirror with you, just in case.
Two band names come to mind:
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For a Country band:
Romanian Cannonball-titted Truck Drivers
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Metal band:
Frogsodomy
@DH, damn, can’t a brotha introspective up in here without people gettin all bent outta shape?
Napier was also the General in the Austen Powers movies…”London, Eng-a-lund.”
This DB with the white winter hat,,,his confusion with what to do with his hand,,,just sucks.
Fuck the new Herpsters.
Awesome new band name ideas….
‘Swingin Vulvas’
’20 foot dick’
MomFisters
Fecal Goiter
Rectal Carcass
Torque MuleBrow
Hissing Fetus
sister fisters!!