Friday, October 14, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links


A gorgeous Los Angeles Friday as your humble narrator finishes drooling at Red Bikini Hott, rotely mocks Douchebag Ed Grimley, and them reposes with a tasty Mr. Pibb.

As I ruminate and marinate, I consider the genius that came up with Kettle Corn.

How to improve upon a snack food product without sugar? Add sugar. Of course.

I will soon be marketing “Kettle Celery.” I’m also considering “Kettle Raisins” and “Kettle Nuts,” or as some call them, “Sugar balls.”

Yup.

I’m babbling like Brooke Burke in a burka in a brook.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Japanese Horror DVD Pick of the Week: “This wire can cut flesh and bones easily!”

A newspaper in England, The Daily Mail, picks up on the art of transnational douche mocking.

Toby Keith sings an ode to Ubiquitous Red Cup. HCwDB. It’s like getting the pulse of the zeitgeist three years early.

Speaking of DVDs, best comedy show on TV right now: “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating.”

F@#k the Yankees! “It’s like going to a casino and cheering for the house” for the win.

Just in time for Halloween: Scared Bros at a Haunted House

Creepy, rich Europeans with too much time on their hands occasionally produce some pretty kick-ass things.

Somewhere. Out there. Fat baby.

Act like a douche in school? Here’s what’ll happen.

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker enjoy an intimate moment.

The 1970s actually existed in a garish and heinous parallel universe that we still can’t comprehend.

Okay, so since you’ve been good this week, you’ve earned it:

Hi-Res Delicious Pear

Go ahead. Take a chomp. It’s Friday.

# posted by douchebag1
12:50 pm October, 14 General Hairpiece said...

Phoebe Cates lives! What a lucky guy. I wish him many pool scenes.

12:51 pm October, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Younger, saner Winona Ryder

12:52 pm October, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmmmmm Hi-Res Delicious Pear

12:53 pm October, 14 Wedgie said...

That is some serious high-res pear. I can’t fit the whole thing on my screen. Like Stackhouse’s ego.

12:57 pm October, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Get a load of the vintage handheld football game. Bright dots vs. not so bright dots in a game that adheres to a quantum mechanical set of football rules: if a bright dot hits a dim dot, they annihilate each other, if you go off the universe in one direction, you reappear on the other, if you run fast enough, you can pass yourself.

1:01 pm October, 14 Stephanie said...

Doug Stanhope is spot on. Scared bros at haunted houses,is embarrassing,to see how much they cling to each other…that’s what douches do,cling to each other.

1:05 pm October, 14 Vin Douchal said...

The 70’s got nothing on the 80’s. The garish aftermath of the 60’s anything goes culture may have turned the 70’s in to a time of extreme experimentation but the 80’s showed how to go too fucking far.
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.
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They even found a way to make the coolest car ever shitty by making it a hatchback. Assholes.
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Stanhope’s next rant should be about the 80’s

1:21 pm October, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those were some fast hatchbacks. Toby Keith’s next song is called “Porch Beef Nation” from the Red, White, and Poo album. Industrial designers are architects on meth. Governor Christie’s grandson is cute. Horse face. HAHA. Pear made me messy.
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Mustangs

1:37 pm October, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

A day of themes from the Boss. First Kettlehead, then bookended with Kettle Corn. Well done, boss, well done.
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I imagine Vin Douchal is scatching his head at Toby Keith’s “White Solo Cup” contemplating his musical hero celebrating one of the most pervasive douchal signifiers of all time. What next from the country great? “Groin Shave Reveal?”
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And “Fat Baby”? That could have been taken in any of the 50,000,000 homes and apartments of America between the Atlantic and Pacific coasts. But not Hawaii ‘cuz that kid was way too white and hasn’t seen fish unless its small, orange, and crunchy.
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Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a tip I need to get in the mail.

1:41 pm October, 14 UFO Destroyers said...

I found my new screensaver in the hi-res pear.

1:41 pm October, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin^
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I’ve long wondered, but not really cared to investigate, if 80’s hair band rockers really understood that they were emulating women in their dress and make-up? With the noteable absence of skirts/dresses it’s all there on display. Hell, Elton John looked more masuline throughout that decade. And I’m pretty certain Boy George laughed his ass off everytime he stumbled upon MTV’s “Headbanger’s Ball” exclaiming “And they think I’m gay!”

2:04 pm October, 14 Tony Ventresca said...

Red Bikini Hott certainly looks hot from this angle, but I strongly suspect that if she were to look straight at the camera we would see a Jackie Bouvier-Kennedy-Onassis thing, i.e. eyes too far apart. Not that I would hold it against her, however.

2:08 pm October, 14 Douchetastic Sam said...

Yeah, she could suck my dick.

2:19 pm October, 14 fatness said...

In regard to “Just in time for Halloween: Scared Bros at a Haunted House”, I told them that putting Snooki alone naked in one of the rooms would be a world-record-breaking horror scene. Looks like they took my advice.

2:25 pm October, 14 Hurl Scheibe said...

There’s a companion Hi-Res pear picture. The Boss may be saving it for later.

Ask for it by name.

Wet Beaver.

2:25 pm October, 14 Wheezer said...

Please see the Old Moog thread and tell me if you also believe him to be Nub.
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Thanks in advance.
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Oh, and Hi-Res Pear made me explode all over my screen as well. And then I saw Vin’s pic and realized I will never have another erection.
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At least not without regret.

2:27 pm October, 14 Vin Douchal said...

@ Mr S Head
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The 80’s was all about MTV. They had a great idea and no content. Imagine if Verizon came out with fiber optic internet when all that was available was the Commodore 64 ( awesome machine, BTW) to go online…
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So , … early in the 80’s Viacom secured some bandwidth in the recently expanded TV spectrum. MTV launched with the chance to display programming for young people, a demographic exploding with the disposable income dollars as the VCR then CD came out. They needed something to play on their channel
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Like most new shiny things it was very interesting, then it wasn’t because it was The Buggles, “Video Killed The Radio Star” , a few shitty Pat Benetar numbers , a bunch of Pretenders songs and 38 Special….. over and over and over and over again….
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The call went out and every dickfaced producer in the world tried to out-outrageous each other, hence the bombardment of yank your eyes out / stab your eardums with steak knives Adam Ant/Madonna/Mötley Crüe/Culture Club shit ….then came the glam . Pussified shitty three chord arena rock sung by young men wearing what was formerly dainty ladyclothes ….
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Mötley Crüe is the biggest mystery of them all to me. Eegads that stuff was shit and they all seemed ugly as my dog’s pucker squirting out digested panties like when he eats my daughter’s chonies ..
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It was too late for MTV to be saved by the Yes’s, ELP’s, Stone’s , Pink Floyds and even ex-Beatles of the world because let’s face it , they ain’t fun to look at, they’re for getting stoned and grooving the headphones to …
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Why did 80’s rockers dress like women in stretchy tight suits, tank tops with the chest cut out and teased hair? I like your answer but they weren’t all gay .. quite the contrary, it was YET ANOTHER WAY TO GET LAID…. those douchebags
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It sucked to work near Tujunga, CA around those years, those fucking chumps rocked that look everywhere, even in church… if it hadn’t been for groundbreaking acts like Nirvana, Pearl Jam and in a way the Red Hot Chili Peppers we’d still be listening to programmed and/or synth drums accompanied crap trying to pass off as interesting as men dolled up as woman tried to defy us to turn gay for them. Did I mention Madonna is and always was a dog?
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Gazpachos

2:40 pm October, 14 Douche France said...

The fat baby video is disgusting. I often want to kill people, but those pig whores deserves it more than Hi-res pear deserves spanking.

2:44 pm October, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin^
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So what I got out of your response was that in the 80’s chicks liked to get with guys who dressed like girls. Which completely twists up my mind in terms of defining their sexual orientation but which I will now use as my stock answer for why I not only didn’t get laid when I was a younger tator tot, but never was able to get a date either. If only I’d pretended to have a vagina…
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Oh, and clearly you’re smart enough not to listen to the radio or you’d know that programmed and/or synth drums accompanying crap trying to pass off as interesting is back with a vengence. I’ve given my older son the stink eye more times than I can remember as I scan radio stations and he says “Dad, what! That’s a good song” at which point I fantasize pushing him out of the car door. LMFAO is as lame a band as it is an acronym. Thank god my younger son appreciates good music through the decades.

2:46 pm October, 14 Steve L. said...

putting scythed chariot wheels on a strandbeest and rolling it into a New Jersey night club on Halloween would be so worth it.

2:47 pm October, 14 Vin Douchal said...

and BTW, I would fuck the living hell outta Sarah Jessica Parker, mole/horse face and rib-y bosom and all.
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Mouth breathers

2:59 pm October, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I used the hair to get chicks in the eighties. Not that hair though.
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That Stanhope guy is hilarious.

3:19 pm October, 14 Vin Douchal said...

Luckily when the 80’s turned the corner our faith was restored by the first great album of the 90’s: Toy Matinee
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3:33 pm October, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Vin^
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Is that Rosanna Arquette in the video?

3:58 pm October, 14 Mr. White said...

Let me just say that I watched a bit of that Fat Baby video, and I will never feel safe, happy, or contented again.
.
Also, ditto to everything Vin said about the 80s.

4:08 pm October, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Toy Matinee reminded me of Steely Dan. Rosanna Arquette reminds me how precious youth was. She now looks like pile of rotting bananas.

4:22 pm October, 14 Buzz Cauldron said...

You what I hate the most about that “Fat Baby” video. Not the whored out tweens, not the fat baby itself, but the fact that that gawdawful song is now stuck in my noggin. Damn you DB1! You stopped with the frolic videos but this very well could have been worse.

4:34 pm October, 14 schlicht bindenburger said...

that pear is DEADLY!!!! thanks DB1for friday inspiration

4:38 pm October, 14 Hermit said...

Gawd bless RedState, Amerikä where the welfare babies are well-fed, robust and happy and the dancing not-yet legals are literally rockin’ the house as they dance and sway to the beat of fucked-up autotune muzak.
Both of our dancing Trailer Park Queens will be pregnant and Medicaid-eligible before their eighteenth birthday. The Wagon Wheel Trailer Park has no shortage of randy, teenage boys who spend their days playing video games and their nights filling tube socks with the ejaculate of frustrated, RedState testosterone.
Diabetes and Childhood Obesity stand patiently in the shadows waiting to unleash slow, sure death.
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The Circle of Life goes unbroken in RedState Amerikä.

4:51 pm October, 14 Buzz Cauldron said...

@Hermit, As always, you get it.

5:06 pm October, 14 Vin Douchal said...

Since they have a Designated Hitter in baseball, can I get a Designated Lotto Ticket Scratcher, because I’m thinking this might work:
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5:17 pm October, 14 Wheezer said...

@Vin (5:06 p.m.) –
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I’mma go jack in my pot now.

5:32 pm October, 14 Medusa Oblongata said...

Fat Baby made me forget everything i have seen from my birth until now. Except gravy bread. You never forget that.

6:30 pm October, 14 Blah said...

And mayonnaise bread; and mustard bread. Gravy bread, mayonnaise bread and mustard bread: the Irish three course dinner.

8:55 pm October, 14 Jacques Doucheteau said...

One easy piece

2:16 am October, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Vin, great summation of early MTV. One other thing, they moved the shit outta some product for the acts that were always on. Genesis?
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Also, it started out lilly-white. I remember a piece written about that.
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And most amazing of all, except Tommy Lee, then Axel, no one had tattoos. That whole thing exploded overnight. BAM!!

4:17 am October, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

My pick for Album of the month.
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http://www.amazon.com/Seeking-Major-Tom/dp/B005M695TE/ref=sr_shvl_album_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318678077&sr=301-1
.

4:21 am October, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Also, regarding the musical choices of the 80s, unless you were there, you really have no idea how much cocaine dictated/effected what was done in any entertainment medium, or really any field, of that decade. I was there, working in a tangentially related field, in Manhattan among people in the arts, media and high-finance. I saw shit that would have turned you white, literally and figuratively.

4:49 am October, 15 Hermit said...

I apologize for last night’s drunken insensitivity. Those fat baby dancers will surely remain chaste until they are of an age where they can responsibly engage in meaningful sex. And that baby should be given a break. You have to feel for someone whose pivotal moment will come twenty-six years from now when they forklift him out of the house through a hole cut in the wall, and take him to a rehab center strapped to the back of a flatbed truck.
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I offer this paradoxical short film.
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In it we find no chubby, white-trash Trailer Queens causing a mild earthquake, but youthful Hispanic dancers in all their malnourished ethnicity, in an exotic display of physical expression. And, in lieu of an obese baby watching the proceedings, we have a much different character observing this performance.
The non-ubiquitous black wheel barrow leans jauntily against the wall, like a cocky but sullen James Dean, watching school-girls at a Sock Hop. His cigarette is clenched tightly between his teeth, smoke wafting up across his face, as he coolly appraises the dancers in feigned disinterest.

6:36 am October, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Who’s worse? The dancers or the camera person? The camera person was, presumably, the worst/ dancer of the 3. By the looks of the other two, I’m surprised she can stand up and hold a camera by herself.
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Yep, the wheelbarrow steals the show, oozing cool.

8:01 am October, 15 DarkSock said...

I think we all know who Fat Baby grew up to be…

8:28 am October, 15 DarkSock said...

67-year-old Epic Beard Man…….1
Tyrone……………………………..0
fsddfdsa

8:38 am October, 15 DarkSock said...

“Sock Hop”?
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et tu, Hermit?

8:39 am October, 15 DarkSock said...

@ Vin:
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Those dudes look like Tonetta’s backup singers.

8:48 am October, 15 DarkSock said...

Re: Hi-Res Delicious Pear
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See those creases on her butt? They’d be gross if she were 300 pounds. So I’m going to have to detract 1 point, down to 9.5.
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Other than that, I’d gladly mushroom her stool with my turgid ham-bat.

9:19 am October, 15 eyedouche said...

Delicious Pear. Those aren’t creases. Something wore away the spray on tan. Somewhere there is a streaked ham-bat.

10:47 am October, 15 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Umm, Hermit not to get all political on yo azz, ‘cuz I hate that sort of thing here, but it’s blue state Amerikkka’s welfare state that funds fat baby’s progenitors and their ilk.

now back to your regular programming

12:08 pm October, 15 Southern Scrotic said...

Red bikini has nice boobs.

2:19 pm October, 15 hermit said...

Darksock 8:01 am,
Thanks dude. It took fifteen minutest to set up a Google account, and I get that!
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.
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I blame Mr. White

12:07 am October, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

I think Ma and Pa Kettle might want to have a word with you, DB1.

12:18 am October, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Theo Jansen’s Strandbeests sont incredible! Rube Goldberg might have been a precursor cousin of Jansen. Thanks for the Link!

Meanwhile, Fat baby grew up to be Plinky’s Mom.

In retrospect, I spent the 70’s and 80’s being “poor” and could’t afford to decorate in the garish colours of the day. So I guess I skipped the pukery.

7:30 am October, 17 Tony Ventresca said...

I’m not looking for an argument with the Nirvana / Pearl Jam crowd, but let’s be honest: that shit got old (and repetitive) pretty fast.

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