Monday, October 17, 2011

HCwDB of the Month

The 2011 Douchies are only a few Months away. You know what to do. Bring it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa

With a late-week run of pics, including Lancelot Boy Melvin and Stephanie, a Classic ‘Bag Sandwich on Laurie, and once again Bothering Vanessa and her Bestie in a Room Full of Bros, The Lancelot Boyz bring crypto-gay Bassian wankery to the game.

Hott PTA mom Stephanie has one of the confusing old/young Portrait of Dorian Grey things going, which only makes her hotter.

Is she 20? The body says yes.

Is she 35 and drives a minivan to soccer practice on Saturdays? The face says maybe.

Together, a swirling vortex of hottness.

In presence of Lancelot Boyzery, a solid alchemic wrongness and a strong favorite for the Monthly.

But we’re just gettin’ started.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: HCwDB of the Week: Tommy Pak, Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues, and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious

Giggle Ladies With Daddy Issues, especially of the barely legal kind, are the kind most in need of saving.

Here we see Maria and Consuela, sisters still pissed off at dad for the move to the States.

So they get back at him.

By allowing butt fondle from a heaping douchenugget like Tommy Pak.

And lets not forget Guggenheim Art worthy “Hand of the Collective Unconscious,” rendering the entire pic a modernist synthesis between Pop Art and Outsider Art in the Brechtian mode.

But enough to win the Monthly?

Two more to go:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: DJ Froholio and Hangin’ On Kaylie

Froholio and Kaylie won in a week weak. Or weak week.

I knew that loose was too noose.

The kids today wouldn’t even get that reference.

But I digress.

Froholio has the stupid head. Is Paid-to-Pose DJ asshollickery.

And Kaylie is tasty, even as she holds on to 16 as long as she can.

Changes come around real soon… okay fine, so maybe my references are dated. Whaddaya want? All the young kids with the pumped up kicks?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Herpster and Librarian Laura

Herpster.

Librarian Laura butt.

Together, they synthesize coagulated poo.

Herspter’s vacant stare and tuxedo crotch innovated an entire new sub-species of douche mock. The fact the wrongness of his presence is counterpointed by the normalcy of Good Guy Ron, getting lucky with Dancer Marie, even more strongly sets the anal pucker of Herpsterism as noteworthy and distinct.

It burns. And is our final coupling up for the contest.

One of these four couplings is most toxic, and deserves to be called “HCwDB of the Month.”

But which?

I need your vote.

Tell me, in the comments thread, which pic most keeps the hot side hott and the douchey side douchey.

Vote now.

# posted by douchebag1
7:02 am October, 17 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

PTA mom Stephanie FTW. I would drink her bathwater, and serve it to my family and friends. I’d even make gramma chug a liter, cuz it’s milfolicious.

7:02 am October, 17 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Wow this is the toughest choice in at least a month! Froholio (King Douchious IV’s illegitimate bro) is a contender… Hott PTA mom Vanessa loses points on droopies + the cig. Tommy Pak should win just because Stackhouse hated it…but he is one of ‘dem “hatters.” So……the Herpster, with his 1,000 yard PTSD stare, plus the gay little swimsuit…FTW!!!!

7:14 am October, 17 icame isaw idouched said...

Tommy Pak FTW. This wad of fuck could care less about the Hotts, he to busy salivating over the reach around from the dude behind him.

7:15 am October, 17 Hurl Scheibe said...

PTA Mom Vanessa and the Lancelot Boyz, FTW. The others have more douchey attributes and hair, Froholio and Tommy Pak especially, but for me the worst of the douche signifiers isn’t the Thomas Hardy idiot clothing, the 10 pound Crisco Wristwach, the retarded bling or silly hair styles. It’s that fucking sneer that makes me want to stick a 10″ rusted nail into the tip of a Doc Marten and kick those turds in the bnuts, Tom Dempsey style.

Plus, PTA Mom Vanessa answers the classic conundrum, do you smoke after sex. The answer is – Yes and Yes.

7:15 am October, 17 Douchese of Laval said...

Vanessa is way hot but the Lancelot Boyz are just run of the mill douchebags, not monthly quality.

Giggle Ladies are average, not hot enough for the monthlies.

Froholio and Kaylie look like they are dressed up for a show.

Now the Herpster. Ah yes the herpster, the Chippendale wanna-be you can smell from here. With stupid tattoos he’s afraid to reveal to his boss at work and the delusion that he owns the place. Laura is prime hottness. Put them together and you have a monthly winner, folks!

7:21 am October, 17 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The Herpster because he makes me want to roll around violently with Rachael Ray in a family sized tub of penne with rose sauce and spank her with EVOO and Parmagianno-Reggiano while I ass feed her with Laura’s head.

7:21 am October, 17 Nostradouchus said...

Froholio is head and douchie hair above the rest.

7:33 am October, 17 hermit said...

No vote yet, but “Hand of the Collective Unconscious” is archival.

7:33 am October, 17 Doucheywallnuts said...

Wow, time flies when you are witnessing an incredible parade of complete and utter douchebags.
.
The Herpster and Laura’s glasses FTW (loss), for he packs the wallop and engenders the disgust of two prodigeous douches such as The Boyz in one tatted, head-tilted package. The power of Laura’s glasses deserve special mention, as I believe if worn by PTA Mom Vanessa, she could have pushed the Boyz to the win (loss).

7:37 am October, 17 Doucheywallnuts said...

I would also like to nominate PTA Mom Vanessa for the Hall of Hott. Even if it’s in the Smoker’s Wing, or the One-Shot Photo, Never-to-be-Seen-Again Wing.

7:52 am October, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

I kinda want to give me vote to the The Herpster and Librarian Laura Butt, however I don’t get the feeling that are that totally committed to the cause and by cause I mean being full on D-Bag and Hott. It’s obvious to me she’s wearing the glasses for affect and he’s just a poser with a horrendously bad tattoo.
.
As for DJ Frolio & Tommy Pak they irk me but that’s about all.
.
My vote goes to The Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa. The Lancelot boys are all in when it comes to their commitment to baggery. It’s a lifestyle they fully embrace. There is no flip flopping with them. As For PTA Mom Vanessa she’s hott in various ways, hell even the cigarette kind of gets me going. Her B( . )( .)Bs might be saggy but they’re real and that’s a good thing. Adn as our esteemed colleague Dude McCrudshoes pointed out earlier she’s “milfolicious”

7:55 am October, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

Oh and I still feel Juan & Juanita Largemans pain as they begrudgingly enter the party vortex/poo that is the Tommy Pak.

8:51 am October, 17 the douche is alright said...

herpster and librarian

8:58 am October, 17 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I was about to call it for Hott PTA Mom Vanessa, as she’s likely age appropriate for myself, and I tend to vote for the hotts when I’m not sure about the bags.
.
Not this time. No, DJ Froholio your hair stylings and your belief that you get the rock star exemption. You can see it in his eyes, that smirk, the duds and the Jesus bling.

9:03 am October, 17 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Herpster. Hands down.

9:03 am October, 17 CB Popped said...

Not voting yet but – What the fuck is sticking out from Froholio’s pants zipper?
His HC isnt hot enough to compete with this month’s quality.

9:12 am October, 17 CB Popped said...

Ok, FTW it has to be The Herpster for giving us the new sub species of Douche. That combined with Librarian gets my vote.

Lancelot close second as he embodies all that is douche, but Herpster Douche is too strong.
Guys like him litter the streets of Williamsburg, Bklyn – but even they might shudder at the “Tuxedo speedo juju bee penis” combo.

9:19 am October, 17 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

The Douche-i-tude of the Lancelot Boyz is just too strong….although normally, me likes me hotties with more meat on their bones (and especially their gams), but gazing into the ginormous shades and empty brains of the Boyz inspires in me certain homicidal thoughts, i.e., to front-load a pick-ax into their vacuous visages…therefore: Murder = The Win (Loss) for these poseurs.

Lancelot Boyz with MILF Vanessa for the Month

PS: Speaking of murder: I suggest a long range 30.06 slug from a Remington Bolt Action to the groin of the Herpster….preferably when the relatively normal couple on the left isn’t present. In fact, it is their normalcy which mitigates Herpster’s stench…and saves him (temporarily)….both from the win (loss) and from the cold steel from my trusty old Red Ryder Carbine/Survival Rifle.

9:23 am October, 17 idfma said...

It’s a tough call, but it’s gotta be the Herpster. Between the hideous tapestry tattooed to his chest, and the tuxedo speedo that’s almost as flat in front as the beautiful Vanessa’s–the Herpster seems like a special kind of douche–one who might get the girl, but not be able to do anything with her once he does. His vacant look puts the cherry on top.

9:29 am October, 17 Maxim Kovalenko said...

The Herpster. Because no picture in the history of this site demonstrates what to do, and what NOT to do. Besides, I just wanna take a sledgehammer to his little bowtie.

9:30 am October, 17 Maxim Kovalenko said...

^so clearly demonstrates what to do, and what NOT to do. Sorry, I just can’t type for anything today.

I stand by the sledgehammer comment though.

9:40 am October, 17 FlipFriddle said...

The Herpster FTW (or our eyes and good taste FTL (for the loss)). A Douche that creates his own sub-genre is Hall of Scrote bound. Off you go!

9:45 am October, 17 Vin Douchal said...

Dj’s? Meh. Tommy Pac? Double Meh. Meh. Meh. Greased up DoucheBoyz are a dime a dozen
.
Brings us to the delerious Herpster.
.
Herpster may actually be posing in this fashion because this is how he poses. What. An. Asshole.
It’s as if in his Hardy tattooed soul he believes he is displaying himself on a cross with the angle of his head and the palms showing.
.
“Dude,……………. look at my Stigmata
.
“Uh,… You have no Sitgmata
.
“Yes I do,……”
.
And Librarian Glasses Laura woo girl is hott. Bleethy bangalicious lickety hipgrind squirt Labradoodle Coppertone scented slipperiness sexfun.
.
The Herpster and Librarian Laura for the monthly and the Herpster for a public flogging

10:00 am October, 17 Condouchious said...

Herpster and Librarian Laura! His chest looks like it was attacked by a flesh eating bacteria and he appears to have guns pointed at his junk tatted in groin-al area (totally a medical term). If those were real guns I imagine somewhere in the distant future Herpster’s grandkids are screaming in terror as they slowly fade from existence. And I haven’t even mentioned the tuxedo speedo. Good Guy Ron being in the pic only emphasizes how unncessary the Herpster truly is.

Don’t let the glasses fool you, Librarian Laura is neither librarian or nuclear scientist. But I’ll live with my delusions and enjoy her pose. Bonus hott: the tasty Dancer Marie.

10:03 am October, 17 Troy Tempest said...

herpster, for reasons previously discussed.

10:17 am October, 17 schlicht bindenburger said...

I have to go with pic#1 for the severe dooosh abd the killer hott! It dont git any better than that!!

10:25 am October, 17 tall guy said...

So much douche. So many worthy opinions previously stated. I, too, when confronted with indecision have often been guilty of voting solely for the hott I’d like to nail. However this time I won’t. Yes, I do like PTA mom Vanessa. And yes, Tommy Pak does deserve all that should rightfully befall so self-obesessed a douche as he. But it’s the combination of the two in the same photo that’s usually absent. Not this time, though.
The Herpster and Librarian Laura (she of the fake reading glasses) deserve even more attention than they’re actually craving (and isn’t that saying something). And, horrible as the recognition most surely was, I’ve just noticed The Herpster is wearing Speedos, which is, of course, so very, very wrong even without that stupid little bow tie and vest shite.
The Herpster and Librarian Laura FTW!

10:25 am October, 17 Douche of Hazard said...

Herpster. She is kind of hot. He is wearing a tuxedo and carrying a gun. He is the James Bond of dueches.

10:33 am October, 17 Hurl Scheibe said...

Vin – somewhere in the vast nether regions of infinite space and the mathematically complexities of possible word combinations there is a song waiting to be written.

An ode to the Herpster and his choice of clothing:

The Speedo Tuxedo.

You are the right man for this Artistic Commission.

11:00 am October, 17 Hermit said...

No one was sure what was wrong with Tommy Pak. He failed at everything since birth. Intelligible speech didn’t occur until his well past his fifth birthday. School was a dismal failure, with only limited improvement after enrolling in the Special Needs Program. His two week stint at Hardee’s® was a disaster, resulting in his near drowning in the pickle vat. Tommy Pak could do nothing right until the day he found Mom’s long-discarded Ab Roller® under the living room couch. Little Tommy started working his abs at age seven and went on a non-stop fourteen-year Forrest Gumpian regiment and has no intentions of quitting. He plucked his eyebrows, shaved his groin and never looked back.
.
Maria and Consuela were just two well-behaved schoolgirls enjoying life and studying hard at Catholic School in Las Cruses, New Mexico. But since they started rolling with T-Pak, their life has become a hellish death plunge into a purgatorial nightmare for which there is no absolution, even from The Pope himself.

11:07 am October, 17 Vin Douchal said...

@ Hurl
.
No way to out-rock and out-clever the great Caviar tune, “Tangerine Speedo”. I saw these guys at the release party of their only cd as the warmup band for Butch Walker’s greatest incarnation, “The Marvelous Three” at the Troubadour many moons ago.
.<br
"Fucking get me a towel, Mr Tangerine Speedo" and "Come feel the Sting of my Bono" . Epic. That cd is long out of print , but I have it …… they fuccen rocked
.

.
.
We, on the other hand, can continue to try and out-dick each other

12:26 pm October, 17 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

The Herpster because “Junk Formalwear” needed to be invented.

12:33 pm October, 17 Hurl Scheibe said...

Vin – great video!!

How can you not like a band that uses a Theremin?

12:37 pm October, 17 melvil_duchi said...

The Herpster and Librarian Laura

tuxedo codpeice and wannabe ed hardy tattoo equals autodouche

12:47 pm October, 17 FoghornLeghorn said...

Yoda: The douche, it is strong this month, young Skywalker. Hot chicks, not so much, thinks I. Torn between PTA mom Vanessa and the butt of Librarian Laura you are. Clear, your mind must be if you are to discover the monthly winner.
.
Skywalker: The Herpster is only a poser with a small package, but the force is strong in the Lancelot Boyz.
.
Yoda: Hmm, for the win, then is Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa.

1:19 pm October, 17 DarkSock said...

I’m going to sock it to the Humper Valley PTA, as it is replete with booblies and two (2) ass clowns.
.
Also, I believe I have cracked the code on Hermit’s avatar…Wulf Zendik? A buddy bought his CD from his widow when he was on a trip somewhere (Cali?) half-drunk, then left it on my desk for 5 years. Just found it, and realized it looked somewhat familiar…you be the judge.
wea

1:40 pm October, 17 hatealldouches said...

Tommy Pak gets the vote this month. Sure, Consuela may be a bit average, but Maria on the left is smokin’, so that gets the HC vote. And as icame isaw mentioned, in the purest of douche behavior, Pak’s only concern is about himself and the reach around he’s getting from his buddy. Clearly THAT is what has him excited.

But man, the Herpster was a very close second. Had it not been for the other seemingly normal couple in the photo, he may have edged out Pak and his fantasy to jerk off with his buddy when they got home from clubbin’..

1:53 pm October, 17 Anonymous said...

The Dude here — I’m too lazy to recover my pw at this remote location —

The Dude casts his vote for the Lancerots and the Smoking, Hott PTA MILF Vanessa, with a lingering nod to Librarian Butt girl, and by nod I mean nose snuzzle.

I don’t want to see the Herpster any more. If he gets the monthly, I demand a recount!

1:57 pm October, 17 Wedgie said...

I must vote for the Herpish one, because he has that vacant 1000-yard stare, which is only slightly less annoying that thing tattooed on his sallow chesticle. Which is only slightly less so than his wonderful tuxie-speedo. Which can only be outdone by the crotchal tatt that reads either “Believe” or “Bellevue”, I can’t tell which. Or which is worse.
Plus, I have a thing for librarians, ever since as a young Wedgelet I met a pretty young thing at our local library whose image haunted me through puberty. In other words, last month.
Valtrex for the mighty (small) win.

1:58 pm October, 17 skrag2112 said...

I judge these on a scale of how many shovels I’d like to apply to the face of said douche, and Froholio definitely wins with a 9 out of 10 faceshovels. I’d never give any douche a perfect 10 because that would imply they are perfect at something, and I don’t want to inflate their egos any larger.

3:08 pm October, 17 jonezy said...

Wowza. PTA mom is just so delectably delicious, my vote swings to her like a jelly to a dong.
.
I honestly have nothing to say about the Lancelot boyz- they may be offense, I don’t know- I just know they are always with some grade A Hotties, King Douchous style. Always with the Hotts. in Spades. Spade tramp stamp tattoos I’d imagine.
.
So I look forward to seeing their bodies of work, that being the bevy of Hottie body, who all seem to be taller than them, no?

4:05 pm October, 17 Douchble Helix said...

@DW @ 7:37am Two pics of the PTA milf: http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/708/nicekf.jpg/

4:26 pm October, 17 One for the Choad said...

Froholio deserves instant induction into the Hall of Scrote, but the combination of the Herpster and Librarian Laura has the best balance of hot chick and douchebag, even if Laura has spent the last three months practicing that pose in the mirror. Herpster for the win, and societal loss.

4:26 pm October, 17 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The Herpster and Librarian Laura FTW! Why? When you have achieved and transcended all other levels of douchiness such that a category has to be invented and named for you, well, you MUST win. I’m sure most of us remember when you didn’t go to a copier to make a copy but a Xerox. All analgesics were called aspirin. You could travel just about anywhere in the world and get a sweet, bubbly dark brown beverage if you said the word “Coke”. Now when ever we say “herpster” an immediate image will come to mind of this unholy fertilization between an egg that should have remained stuck in the menstrual blood of a $3 whore’s tampon and the cannon juice of Kim Jong-Il. Yes, yes indeed, The Herpster and Librarian Laura FTW.

5:29 pm October, 17 Mrs. Something said...

My vote goes to the Herpster because I want to do the exact opposite of fitting him with my flesh tuxedo. Which I guess would be NOT fitting him with my flesh tuxedo.

6:38 pm October, 17 hermit said...

Darksock,
.
Please burn me a copy of that cd.
Sounds like Wulf was a righteous dude.

6:41 pm October, 17 douche equis said...

Nice, in the “I’ll have to pour Drano in my eyes now” sense of nice, to see such a strong field again. Herpster FTW. That stupid bowtie on his dongal region is enough for me. The giggle ladies outshine Librarian Laura, but . . . iggh, the Herpster.

6:58 pm October, 17 Mrs. Something said...

@Hermit/Wulf So, you’re a sex cult leader. Nice work if you can get it I bet.

8:16 pm October, 17 ehcuodouche said...

Short and sweet this month. Herp.

First. Librarian Laura. Nuff said.

Second, when I’m so torn between punching the face and kicking him in his bella speedo tuxedo crotch that I begin choking on my rising bile, we have a winner.

8:38 pm October, 17 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m gonna go with Tommy Pak. I am doing this on the basis of his douchal purity. So young, so boyish, and already such a supernova of douche that I pause to wonder: Was he simply born as the embodiment of pure douchal power, or, was his scrotiness so great because it’s passed along the bloodline? Like a young Harry Potter, has he yet to discover the true untapped power of douche that lies within? I fear for the future and the wreckage that will soon lie in the wake of what will slowly develop into an A-bomb of douche.

9:30 pm October, 17 Stephanie said...

Herpster makes me want to put out a cigarette in his ear.

10:39 pm October, 17 Steve L. said...

Herpster threatened me with AIDS if i don’t vote for him.
therefore i have to vote for Herpster.
Herpster goes out on a limb, he does.

10:53 pm October, 17 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

I’ll go with Herpster ’cause of the sharty Ed Farty tatt, the “at least they’re not laughing because of how small it is” speedos, and the oh so very hot Librarian Laura. Oh, Laura…

12:13 am October, 18 Jacques Doucheteau said...

So it’s been quite a while since I’ve voted in the monthly, but Herman Cain’s meteoric rise from sub-standard pizza franchise CEO to wing-nut Republican presidential contender of the week has me all fired up. USA! USA! USA!
.
This great nation of ours stands for liberty, justice, and the pursuit of hair grease. And that’s why I’m 126% behind the unnerving pomposity of the Lancelot Boys and Vanessa. Stupid tribal tatts, bling, ballooned ‘roid pecs, and carefully coiffed hair receding faster than a john’s erection when his back seat encounter turns into an unexpected double Dutch rub. This is ‘Merica, damnit! USA! USA! USA!
.
That, and Vanessa. I’d dive feet first doing the splits into a septic tank full of half-starved bulbous headed anus munching lampreys for the off chance of getting to uncomfortably flirt with and have a restraining order taken out by Maria, the weekend maid of Vanessa’s ex-boyfriend’s lawyer from when he was fighting that one DUI because he’s “a DJ/promoter and SUPPOSED to be blackout drunk as part of his job”.

1:21 am October, 18 Baron Von Goolo said...

Lancelot Boyz FTW. They make me feel I just made a midnight gas station Trainspotting restroom run after a particularly feral Chalupa, and there was no paper so I had to wipe with my eyes.

5:30 am October, 18 creature said...

I had to wipe with my eyes FTW…
my vote goes to Herpester…looking at him gave me a painful zit on my pubis

6:38 am October, 18 army (ret) douche said...

herpster for the ridiculous man thong and toxic GSR with pube tat. oh yes and laura for her bikini take on the librarian hott.

8:17 am October, 18 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Jacques
.
Do you like your beer like you like you violence? Domestic. Now that’s ‘Merican!

10:48 am October, 18 dbBen said...

Herpster
.
Because librarian hotts should be at the library reading, not at home crying because he thinks she should get an abortion.

12:58 pm October, 18 SonnyChibaChoad said...

The Herpster and Librarian Laura FTW (loss)

1:12 pm October, 18 Douche Springsteen said...

Such a tough call. Librarian Laura is definitely the hottest of the bunch, but something tells me she doesn’t really need those glasses to see, and that kind of ruins it for me. And as foul as The Herpster’s tuxedo speedo is, Good Guy Ron sort of cancels him out.

There is no such tempering by decent folk when it comes to the Lancelot Boyz. They are the epitome of post-human vacuity and emotionlessness. One is reminded of the lyrics to Kraftwerk’s “Showroom Dummies”. “We are standing here / Exposing ourselves / We are showroom dummies.” “We go into a club / And there we start to dance / We are showroom dummies.” Vanessa could very well just be standing between a couple of mannequins at H & M. Oh Vanessa, you’re lean, you’re mean and you’re not too far between either I bet.
.
Lancelot Boyz FTM.

5:45 pm October, 18 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

The Herpster. It’s not ironic if it’s permanently tattooed onto your skin.

3:04 pm October, 20 ur upcoming douche said...

Tommy Pak, I have seen this guy out and he is the definition of “DOUCHE” I literally seen him go up to ugly chicks and hot chicks and makeout with them right in front of their boyfriends. He turns kisses one girl and walks 5 ft away and does it again. It was hilarious to watch.

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