Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Herpster

Somewhere in a land of stupid hatts and coffee houses, the hipster and the douchebag mated to produce… the Herpster.

Part asswipe. Part semi-employed computer programmer.

The Herpster is a hybrid technology in the worst sense of pollutant producing toxins.

With tuxedo crotch, Ed Hardy Tattoo, and ironic distance expression, Henry Herpster bothers delightful Librarian Laura for our retchification.

And so I note the Darwinian development of ‘baggery. And poke Librarian Laura’s upper thigh area with a q-tip while she’s ordering a cosmo.

# posted by douchebag1
2:40 pm October, 5 Boner Patrol said...

Librarian Laura for the mother luvin win. It’s true even your mothers will fall in love with her. And that tux is rented and its filled with some other dude’s semen stain. Gross. Just gross.

2:46 pm October, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Somewhere in Central China the current holder of rights to knock off the Tuxedo t-shirt patent is speed dialing his commissar.

2:47 pm October, 5 schlicht bindenburger said...

those two lovelies can suffocate me with their ponks anytime they want…..center of mass shot fer the ironic bagnat!

2:58 pm October, 5 IL Douche said...

Look At This Fucking Herpster ?

3:00 pm October, 5 Boner Patrol said...

Guy on the left, where’s your head at? And why isn’t it in my pants? If I told you I liked your body would you hold me up against the wall and bang me silly? That’s how that one gos right? What I’m trying to say is guy on left is very attractive. Alright enough of that, off to go film my new show, NYPD Blueballs. Starring Dennis Handz.

3:17 pm October, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

Not pictured: Hand of the police officer holding a taser. Dude in the tux thong is saying, “Don’t tase me, bro!!”

3:21 pm October, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

There are just certain laws of nature that should never be fuccked with. You can’t unscramble an egg back to what it started as (Second Law of Thermodynamics). You can’t randomly throw away bits of matter (Conservation of Mass and Energy). Humans DID evolve from monkeys (Darwinian Evolution). But here, in this very picture, we can see the universe being set on its ear. Never, NEVER should a Librarian Hott be arching her back and rubbing her badonkadonk against anything that DOESN’T SEEM TO BE APPRECIATING IT!!!!!!!! Sweet Mother of Pearl, this this THING should be forced to endure queefy Ducth oven after Dutch oven from a Rosie O’Donnell that had a dinner of hard cheeses and cabbage the night before while restrained spread-eagle on the bed with a roto-tiller firmly planted in his ass that is keeping time to Slayer’s Raining Blood and having his mouth taped shut AFTER filling it with Drano and aluminum foil. I…I just give up.

3:57 pm October, 5 creature said...

I do believe this chump did vomit on his own sunken chest…couple on the left look relatively normal, must be lost…librarian laura is a posuer, no glass in them specs & no wimmin I know wear their horn rims to the beach (prescription shades)
…rainy day here in SoCal, perfect for staying indoors listenin’ to Nick Cave, DK’s & Fela Kuti

4:28 pm October, 5 Vin Douchal said...

Herpster’s wearing the same confused face he used to seeing as others notice the abomination he’s made of his frontside. He needs a kicking on his backside
.
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Castratos

4:29 pm October, 5 Vin Douchal said...

And how does Db1 know he’s a computer programmer? Was he one of the WordPress geniuses that worked on HCwDb a while back?

4:48 pm October, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I met this Mullato chick from high school a few months before I got with the Mrs. We had common friends and she wanted my mother love bone. At the end of the wee hours the sun started to come up after I had successfully, fully boned and cunnilinquized her into a state of euphoria and done my dirty busainesss, I noticed a tattoo across her stretch marks,
.
I had thought all late night that the itching on my face was from her wild black nature bush. But alas, the tattoo was not a tattoo. The tattoo was not a funky form of rosacia, The tattoo was herpes. Luckily the itching was on my face because of her Brillo bush. Her tattoo looked like this. Happy early Canadian Thankssgiving Sirs, I’m getting liquored.

5:32 pm October, 5 Doucheywallnuts said...

Do the glasses make the girl, or do the girl make the glasses? And then what makes my boner?

5:34 pm October, 5 Mr. White said...

I don’t think Laura’s glasses are real. But I’m willing to pretend if she is.

5:39 pm October, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Dr.Bunsen
.
You have missed a practical proof of the Laws. The Zeroth law should suggest that if Rosie’s thighs share the same temperature as her porch beef,then they are all in a thermal equilibrium with each other.
.
If Rosie’s thermal equilibrium is shared with, for namesake, another lesbian who we shall call Chaz. The matter of the fourth party is too cold to meld with the other parties. Proving that the fourth law of thermodynamics: Chaz = Rosies body parts is moot.
.
Meth Cookers

5:58 pm October, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^And by Boyle’s Law, the length of my stories is proportionate to the negative pressure on my head.
.
Voodoo Chiles

6:58 pm October, 5 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Now we all know what happened to the kid that played Al Bundy’s son. Oh and librarian/circa 1980’s child molester glasses are the new pocahontas head bands.

7:16 pm October, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Poor guy. I should mail him an old tube sock.

7:21 pm October, 5 Boner Patrol said...

^Thanks for the fashion update James Tiberius. Since I’m at the station a lot I don’t really have time to be up with the latest in bleethwear. Tell me, is Juicy Cotoure still a big deal? And these fake glasses, do men really fall for that shit? I’m thinking my next outfit is going to include a red dress, fake glasses, cinnamon perfume and a
catchers mitt. And if that doesn’t work, drugs.
.
.
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Boner Patrol: We keep the streets clean and the sheets dirty.

9:28 pm October, 5 Stephanie said...

My dog looks like that,tilts his head,can’t understand a thing.
And why decorate your little tiny chest and tiny crotch. There’s nothing there.

10:17 pm October, 5 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

With the premise that most tatts are pretty stoopid anyway, WTF is the Herpster thinking getting a “Hello” tatt in his GSR area? Couldn’t he come up with anything more original? Like an arrow down with the word “Pull?” Anything???? Just “Hello?” Ee gad.

10:20 pm October, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

Sumbitch, I thought my cat was the only creature with a tuxedo crotch. But she’s been in a predatory mood of late, and wouldn’t mind adding that to her past week’s porch deposits of dead bunny and chipmunk, delivered directly to my front doormat.

10:26 pm October, 5 Whoop-di-douche said...

He’s all the more of a herpster by the presence of the normal pair to the photo’s left and the pseudo-librarian hott to the right….and that silly tuxedo diaper to the lower regions. And my upchucks to the higher regions of projectile vomiting.

6:50 am October, 6 troy tempest said...

This is actually Nashian math in practice. It’s like this: You have, say, 5 women. 4 are average to attractive in appearance brunettes. 1 is a stunning magma hot blonde. 5 guys go to the bar where these 5 women are. If all 5 men chase the blonde, only 1 comes away in victory, and the others get to meet the less than happy brunettes who know they’re second tier.

It is much more useful to focus on one of the brunettes. The odds of success are higher as everyone competes over the blonde. Furthermore, the blonde is non-plussed by your attention – she’s used to being adored. So, by focussing on a brunette, you have not only a greater odds of success, but also a stronger bond and alliance.

Now, here we have The Herspter and his Wingman. The wingman knows that all the trashy babes gravitate to the Herspter like moths to a flame. The Wingman doesn’t get the fakey librarian hott or her kinky role playing sex games. He DOES get the brunette with the mighty fine rack.

Herpster is the kind of oaf who “goes for the blonde”. He doesn’t always succeed, but when he gets tail, it is high quality kink. However, his hook ups are short term and empty. Wingman here will be pounding the well racked brunette for quite a while and will gain from the experience. This is how secondary / B-list status members use A-List status members in their own pursuit of tail.

7:19 am October, 6 DarkSock said...

If Herpster whipped it out, it would look like Woody Allen attending the Academy Awards show.
.
.
.
Members of the Academy.

7:46 am October, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Troy,
Brunettes are first tier in my book. Anybody needs a wingman to ‘settle’ for the sultry brunette, McCrude is your Dude.

9:37 am October, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Troy
.
Exactly. When you got to a strip club you NEVER hit on the strippers. They’re used to it. Chat up the hot bartenders (if they’re female of course). They tend to have more brains, more personality, and you might even get a free drink out of the deal. Most assholes ignore them and treat them like shit (rude behavior, no tips etc.) so they are usually kind of surprised when someone wants their attention for something other than an overpriced drink. Or so I’ve been told…

9:41 am October, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Rev Chad
.
I believe you are using the Law of Multiple Proportions incorrectly. More parts doobage and less parts SSRIs. Oh and make sure lots of parts water and fiber or you won’t be shitting again until you’re about 95.

10:39 am October, 6 Boner Patrol said...

@McCrude, I like em blonde. But in dude form. So I could use a wingman if he’s got a brunette girlfriend I need to get out of the picture.

11:34 am October, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Boner Patrol,
Sure, do I get a little plastic badge or something if I go out on patrol with you? Can a pistol whip somebody? I mean only if they deserve it, but still…

11:58 am October, 6 Boner Patrol said...

@McCrude, you can do whatever the hell you want. That’s pretty much the Mission Statement here at the precinct.

12:49 pm October, 6 Wheezer said...

Librarian Laura is thankfully only .37 seconds away from a full-on “evacuation.” Herpster just whiffed the gaseous precursor.

9:31 pm October, 6 Steve said...

I vote librarian Laura for hall of hott.

6:56 am October, 7 Douche De Leche said...

He is officially a “Crotchedouche”

Mix of crotch, tuxedo and douche.

I’ll be back I just have to go puke a little.

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