Friday, November 4, 2011

An Open Letter to Giggling Lana

Dear Giggling Lana,

Your coy hint of huckleberry perfume and melodious lilt to your heaving bosoms upon hearing a knock knock joke entice me to your rose pedals like a honey bee to, uhm, rose pedals.

I wouldst not judge you for dating Oily Russian Bohunks with creepy mannequin rouge upon their cheeks.

For yours is the tautness of summer spring bed bouncing childhood innocence wrought through early hormonal onslaught and flowering in perfect adulthood butt paddle.

Marry me. And then divorce me.

Sincerely,
DB1

# posted by douchebag1
10:26 am November, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I was just going to call a cab to take me to the bad side of town where the 17, now 18, year old beautiful yet smelly druggie chick gives me a blowey for a gram and a slice of pizza while I make my rounds incognito to do my monthly illegal business. Illegal until I get my medical marijuana license anyway.
.
Then just as I was the dispatcher was picking up the line I saw Lana here and realized that I had phoned prematurely. And by prematurely I mean I need Windex.

10:30 am November, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Lana give me a Boney M. like Tzar Nikolai.
.

.
Tolstoys

10:34 am November, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Lana’s smile is coy, but the way she tore the elastic to go extreme off the shoulder betrays her for a filthy sweet vixen. For Lana, there is no truer way to show your love than to bend her over your knee and spank her till her butt glows.
.
Toxic Charlie needs a dermatologist, personal trainer, and fashion intervention. In that order. I really hope this is his half-sister.

10:38 am November, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This rose pedal paronomasia is as deep as it is disturbing. I can’t stop picturing DB1 riding Lana around with his feet on her labia like some surreal ostrich jouster.

11:05 am November, 4 creature said...

she goes to middle school!

11:13 am November, 4 creature said...

epic punk rock show announced for geezer headbangers of LA punk scene
.
.
get some granddad

11:29 am November, 4 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Deer Lana:
.
That dress looks amazing. You know how it would look even better?
.
On the floor.
.
Next to my bed.

11:31 am November, 4 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Bieberbag!

11:42 am November, 4 DarkSock said...

She made me jizz my jorts…

@ Creature: You had me at “Descendents”…

11:47 am November, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

She reminds me of the original Kylie Minogue. The one with human partd ya’ know.
.
Line of the Day: “Dark Sock is nepos”

11:51 am November, 4 Ferris said...

What is the ratio of time spent doing his make up to hers? 5:1? 10:1? On the other hand, that cup of kool-aid looks refreshing and thirst-quenching, and reminds me of my youthful summers spent frolicking on the shores of Lake Wannapunchdoucheface.

12:06 pm November, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Looks like once in a while there’s a space warp and a trombone player from the marching band dates a cheerleader’s sister.
.
Good for you sweaty, make up and earrings wearing guy, my grandmother had the same look right down to the hairdo and red cocktails

12:23 pm November, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Vin’s grandmother must have been Polish/Bavarian. You can hear his grandfather’s influence on Bra: The Gun Show in this clip.
.

12:43 pm November, 4 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

DB1: Simply beautiful prose there my good man. If that doesn’t at least get you a handy from Lana in the back of your mom’s buick, there is no God.

12:44 pm November, 4 Wedgie said...

One of the best things in life is a sweet, innocent looking girl who can fuck like a champ and talks dirty to you while she’s doing it. They are rare treasures, but they rarely know it.
She can do better, and looking at this photo reminds old man Wedgie once again that youth is indeed wasted on the young.
Time for my fuccen prune juice.

1:08 pm November, 4 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

ummmm….petals

1:43 pm November, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Giggling Lana has a collarbone/AC joint/trapezius muscle complex that you could drink matzoh ball soup out of.

1:45 pm November, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Dark Sock is: (Ripped off from Wikipedia. I think Pliny the Elder listed below would be a great name for a commenter.)
Cornelius Nepos (c. 100 BC – c. 25 BC) was a Roman biographer. He was born at Hostilia, a village in Cisalpine Gaul not far from Verona. His Gallic origin is attested by Ausonius, and Pliny the Elder calls him Padi accola (‘a dweller on the River Po, Natural History III.22). He was a friend of Catullus, who dedicates his poems to him, Cicero and Titus Pomponius Atticus. Eusebius places him in the fourth year of the reign of Augustus, which is supposed to be when he began to attract critical acclaim by his writing. Pliny the Elder notes he died in the reign of Augustus.
His simple style of writing has made him, in the UK at least, a standard choice for passages of unseen translation in Latin exams, from prep school, even up to degree level.

2:56 pm November, 4 Stephanie said...

Is he wearing a plastic mask? Chipmunk cheeks.

3:16 pm November, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pedolicious.

3:21 pm November, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

^ you just say it cuz you know it makes me giggle.

4:55 pm November, 4 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

^ OK, you caught me. I was wondering if I’d ever hear that lilting laughter again. With the week of bullshit I’ve had, its one of the few sounds that can cheer me up. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about armagnacs would you? Lookin’ to buy a good one for some “relaxation” this weekend.

5:08 pm November, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

When will the womening of men trend end?! Also, he should really try a less whorey bluster, I think the one he’s wearing is called “Ifuckonthefirstdate Red”. And yes, I would know.

5:09 pm November, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

Bluster should be blusher. *Blushes*

9:48 pm November, 4 Steve L. said...

if Lana is summer spring bed bouncing childhood innocence, then my childhood contained nothing but autumn and winter. because Lana was NOT in my childhood.
.
i’m gonna cry in the closet now.

1:20 am November, 5 Nostradouchus said...

They had a “Male Botox for $9.99” sale. Quality never comes with quantity….

9:59 am November, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

He looks like he’s wearing more makeup than she is. Tramp.

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