Friday, November 4, 2011

Friday Thoughts and Links

Six pound watch? Not for Vinny Bologna here. The only thing that impresses curvy, slightly scary eyes, crazy Nordic Aryan blondes is, of course, twelve pound watch.

And rolled up Don Johnson 80s-style suits.

Deep thoughts from your half-drunk humble narrator, who sits in Los Angeles and pees on the epic dysfunction of this silly city of dreams.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “This is our monthly ‘At Ease’ weekend. It gives us a chance to let our hair down, although I see you’ve got a head start in that department! I shouldn’t talk, though, I’m getting a little shaggy myself. I’d better not stand too close to you, people might think I’m part of the band. I’m joking, of course.”

Speaking of Toronto’s odious Kleenex Mafia party promoters, apparently the line between douchebags, partying, and gang slayings is not as wide as we thought.

In overseas douche mocking, A British Rugby team, The Ospreys, have banned spray tanning and cheesy boots for its players. Well done, old chaps!

Ever wonder what it’s really like working in Hollywood? This clip pretty much sums it up.

HCwDB regular Reverend Chad Kroeger brings the Halloween Douche. Genius work, good Reverend!

R.I.P. Smoot. No not that Smoot. The cool one.

Meanwhile, in Boston, another piece of my childhood dies.

I’m not sure how I missed this until now, but back in 2007 a douchebag gave his tattoo breast implants. A few months later, his tattoo dated Charlie Sheen.

The hallowed University of Chicago, home to one of the great intellectually fraudulent movements of our time (Leo Strauss and “The Chicago School,” aka “modernist thinking is scary and hard, lets reject it!”), is now offering a course on Snooki. My contribution to academia is noteworthy.

Speaking of Leo Strauss and anti-intellectual regressivism masquerading as a one-size-fits-all philosophy, here’s women eating bananas.

But you are not here for Leo Strauss, nor women eating bananas, although more likely you are here for the latter. But you are definitely here for Pear:

Lacey Corn Pear.

Go forth und repentenzspiel.

# posted by douchebag1
12:26 pm November, 4 jonezy said...

fuck. Looks like I missed an awesome week of bag hunting.
.
In NYC this lovely non-snowy weekend- not to run a marathon of course, but the plan is to do a walking tour- looks kinda cool.
.
http://www.bigonion.com/tour/gangs/
.
back to the mock next week….

12:29 pm November, 4 DarkSock said...

On behalf of the M.I.A. Lamp:
.
*click!*
.
I LOVE LACEY CORN PEAR
.
*click!*

.
.
Nepos.
dsfadasfdasf

12:30 pm November, 4 Horace Dangleballs said...

I believe the 14th picture on the banana chick site is a good friend of my cousin’s. Investigating…

12:44 pm November, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Giovanni Ribisi sure can pull the Jenny Harrison hott.
.
Actually, I think that IS Jenny Harrison: http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/harrison.jenny.html

12:48 pm November, 4 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

REV: You are exactly as I pictured you. A stunningly handsome man, and I mean that not in a gay way, cause I AM NOT GAY. Love the chest tatt but can’t quite make it out, clean your mirror. What does it say ? “Free Donkey Douche”

12:49 pm November, 4 Hermit said...

I miss Lämp dammit.
But Rev Chad is awesome in every way. That pic is fuckin’ sweeeeeet! (no hot chick hooker?)
.
And since we all seem to be posting pictures of ourselves, what the hell, I’ll take the plunge.

12:49 pm November, 4 creature said...

damn, I love it when gals go BANANAS on me!

12:55 pm November, 4 creature said...

then all of a sudden, like, there was no ears on dem cornstalks!

12:57 pm November, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Rev, there’s some pawprints in your shower. I usually just give my dog a bath outside.

12:58 pm November, 4 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

I am presently torn between a fwap job in the bathroom or having some fruits and vegetables in the kitchen…

1:02 pm November, 4 Wedgie said...

Lacey Corn Pear looks pissed. Maybe she thinks her talent is wasted in middle America. Kind of ironic, eh?
BTW, the best thing in the T & L’s today is the bit on that DB who got whacked in Canada while in witness protection. The cop they interviewed was named Rick Crook. Fuccen perfect, you couldn’t make this shit up.
PS, nice photo Rev. You handsome bastage.
Nepos; sounds like Sock’s new band. It’s Sopen spelled backwards, in case you were wondering.
.
.
Palindromes.

1:07 pm November, 4 Hermit said...

Lacey Corn Pear is why I love me some RedState, Amerikä. (never seen her in the cornfields surrounding the hovel, however.) In fact, while all seems well in Amerikä, beneath the surface the stomach churns in turmoil as the collective gastric acids attempt to break down service station Slim Jims and stale Twinkies®. Physicians of pop-star circus freaks are litigiously examined, endlessly and anally, while elsewhere the ravenous Death Cantaloupes go unabated on their five-state killing spree. The bus driver’s shouts go unheeded as the frenzied passengers flee headlong to the brink of the abyss, stopping only long enough to check their email and blood pressure.
.
Across the frothy waters, Central Planners attempt a delicate economic balancing act with Lincoln Logs and Legos® trying to appease the indolent peasants, while Mediterranean Playboys order French wine and max-out one last Visa Gold® card before the Chinese repossess their yachts. Back home, the balding accountant throws up his hands in failure as his best laid plans result in predictable, dry-humping, bureaucratic futility. Famine gnaws at the ribs of Ward and June Cleaver, while The Beaver becomes enflamed and irritable with pent-up angst and a dripping, leprous yeast infection.
.
Raised on radioactive vegetables and falsehoods, the uninitiated trust-funders don their jack-boots and backpacks and goose-step into the night, shattering glass and seeking lawlessness while calling for the heads of wealthy, Twelve-Tribe Merchants, as in days of yore.
.
The analog clock ticks on unmercifully, it’s lighted dial boring holes deep into the skull of it’s sleepless watcher. But Hope springs eternal, for NyQuil® is harvested at great risk, from honeycombs deep within the fortified nests of angry, genetically-altered hornets.
Sweet NyQuil®, a balm for the soul, the savory elixir of noblemen and deity.
.
The exhumed corpse, still wet with the stench of death, blinks it’s eyes, looking out from beneath it’s sheltered place under the dashboard and begins to move with great effort.

1:23 pm November, 4 hihi said...

That pear looks like it got hit in the head by a shovel at birth.

1:24 pm November, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

There is a fine line between psychosis and genius. Hermit is not only on that line, he is drawing it with his finger and what I hope is chocolate pudding.

1:28 pm November, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Very Canadian Friday Links.
.
If that’s really Rev Chad , he looks like Lenny Dykstra about to get his ass pummelled in the prison guard’s private bathroom.

1:38 pm November, 4 tall guy said...

Yo Kroeger, you look an aged Tim Farriss from Aussie 80s pub rock band (who became stadium fillers) INXS.

1:48 pm November, 4 Jacques Doucheteau said...

I feel a lot better about my photo with Baron Von Goolo now after seeing Rev Chad.

1:52 pm November, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Lacey Corn Pear looks like she got hit in the face with Petrified Corn Cobs.
.
Lily Tomlin hasn’t been relevant or funny since she was Ernestine on Laugh-In.
.
Rev Chad looks like the guy who just hooked up our electrical lines after the snow storm.
.

1:53 pm November, 4 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Lacey Corn Pear, I’d plow your furrows.

2:28 pm November, 4 Vin Douchal said...

Filene’s Basement used to have these one day massives sales for bridal gowns. If you happened in around opening time, you could watch a beavy of taught women try on dresses right out there on the sales floor in the frenzy to get a great deal….. modest need not apply .

2:48 pm November, 4 saulgoode42 said...

Happy Friday. Have a song about horny aliens:
http://www.flamingpie.net/joshgarey/mp3/Josh_Garey-Hot_Young_Stars.mp3

3:02 pm November, 4 Stephanie said...

Clueless Vinny has a night out once a month and he can’t behave or dress nice.

3:38 pm November, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That is 5′-7″ of drunk 220 pound cougar meat in it’s unnatural form as a $5 douche. I lost the camera pictures when I was stoned. I’d fight Lenny Dykstra tomorrow. Those fuccking Greeks are making me mad.
.
And those are some feature tile shit or something not dog paws. We wash.
.
Son

3:51 pm November, 4 troy tempest said...

speeeeekin’ of the donkster – is he still breakin rock?

4:03 pm November, 4 Vin Douchal said...

One more cupcake for Plinky’s mom
.

.
Hey, that ain’t funny, three guys got crushed in her vagina and their truck is irrepairable

4:27 pm November, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, was that whole thing just to get Nyquil to be the official drink of the Douchies? What, now I gotta write an Ode to Tang to compete? Tang, its sugary orange and its called Tang. Who doesn’t love Tang?
.
@RevChad, nice “costume” Thank you for no JesusCockReveal.

4:38 pm November, 4 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

So, What, Nobody else on this planet admits to want to fwap to Banana Girlz? Or Corn Porn? C’mon.

4:41 pm November, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

I just went back and read the haikus and subsequent bitching. I always thought DSock did a fine job of picking the funny ones. I hate how I get blamed for everything here. Am I really that powerful? I’m always at work and super busy running my empire when the Haikus pops up, why would I give a shit who wins? Also, we haven’t seen any nepos slip reveal in awhile, I think that would make everything better. Show us your nepos pics!

4:46 pm November, 4 Rick Derris said...

If you want to talk about intellectual frauds and anti-intellectual regressivism then there is nobody who can even approach Edward Said.

5:09 pm November, 4 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Sorry @Hermit….Lacey Corn Pear looks not like an alluring Aryan goddess, but rather like some ill-tempered, slightly lost Hitler Youth dude (albeit one with a strikingly smooth posterior), who is annoyed by being trapped among opaque vegetation hindering his/her effective hunting of Jews.
.
.
.Rather than letting this scarcity of small, curly-haired, hirsute, self-deprecating money-changers ruin his/her whole day of homicide, he/she has changed tactics in mid-pursuit, opting to salvage the afternoon by enticing fellow hunters Conrad and Claus into a game of “Brokeback Mountain” – Third Reich-style.

5:29 pm November, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

And I would totally kick that one idiot in the boobs calve, even if it meant being called a misogynist for awhile.

7:04 pm November, 4 Champagne Katie's Dogwalker's Houseboy said...

If Leo Strauss is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right. Not sure what that means, but it has to be better than modernist anything. How dated does “modernist” sound? Reeks of shag carpeting, MySpace and Highlights magazine.

9:16 pm November, 4 DarkSock said...

The Kleenex Mafia put the “nad” in “Canadian”.

9:39 pm November, 4 Steve L. said...

i shall gorge on Lacey Corn Pear. as well as news of news of the SHITuation’s (apparent) financial nadir.
.
goddamnit Jersey Shore can’t die fast enough. Snooki included

12:18 am November, 5 Guid is Good said...

Ha ha – love the police report on the Toronto douchebag – “Although Barjaktarovic left B.C. in the witness protection program and changed his name to Alexander Kucovic, he couldn’t change his lifestyle, retired Vancouver police Det. Rick Crook said this week.”

You can put the douchebags into witness protection but they end up giving themselves away with the Jesus bling, tatts and Grey Goose. No great loss.

1:24 am November, 5 Nostradouchus said...

Fried blonde hair is fried.

This guy should replace the buttons on his shirt with the hockey puck on his wrist……FLAVA FLAAAAAAAAAV!

5:34 am November, 5 hermit said...

@ctds 5:09
.
I might be wrong but I don’t think Helga’s hiding a bratwurst under that Neo-nazi thong.
More likely, the cameraman caught her squatting in the cornfield, mid-dump, and she’s angered by the breach of privacy.

6:57 am November, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

One of the cool things about Filene’s basement, the original in Downtown crossing, was, as Vin D alluded to, was walking in and catching moms & their daughters dropping their pants right in the aisles to try on clothes it wasn’t only the bridal sale. The first couple of times it was cool to watch then after awhile it became passe and you just kept on walking.
.
That is NOT what I thought the Honorable Rev Chad looked like, oh well.
.
The tuition money spent on taking a class about Snooki sounds like a great investment for the future and by future i mean these kids are screwed when they head out into the real world. Good going U of Chicago, way to prepare our future generation.
.
As always Hermit rocks!!!!
.
Lacey Corn Pear looks like she could kick my ass

7:08 am November, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Re; University of Chicago
.
WTF Canada? You give us Neil Young, RUSH, Terry O’Reilly, Cam Neely and now this? For shame.

“There were more emissaries from Canadian universities than you might think. (Travel tip: Canadians reported that up there “Guidos” and “Guidettes” are called “Ginos” and “Ginas.”)”
.
Huh??? ““Bodily Discipline: Foucault + Snooki = BFF.””
.
I don’t know who Candace Moore is but she might onto something.
.
“Candace Moore, an assistant professor at the University of Michigan, spoke about the homosocial friendship between Vinny and Pauly D, and linked the men of the show’s quest for “stranger sex” to some queer and kink cultures. Then she showed photos of herself from a recent two-week attempt at living the cast’s GTL — gym, tan, laundry — lifestyle, and failing.

7:40 am November, 5 CB Popped said...

Analog clocks, playboys, The Chinese and Slim Jims.

Hermit. Damn.

Yeah, Tang is / was awesome Dreuche.

7:45 am November, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Edward Said lowers the bar for entry to the club called, “Intellectual.”
.
“I have had Caiaphas put in fetters. Also, last year I was crucified by the German doctors in a very drawn-out manner. Wilhelm, Bismarck, and all anti-Semites abolished.”

8:25 am November, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, yeah I hate when my Cornfield Chonie runs are interrupted by “professional” photographers.
.
@Collaz B, nice to meet a fellow Tang enthusiast. For some reason I was thinking there would be a lot more on here.

9:56 am November, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Rev. Chad–Jeebus, man. If I didn’t know any better, I would have nominated you for a douchie. VERY convincing. Almost Too convincing….I keed, I keed. I had no idea you were so burly, I was picturing you a little more shriveled from malnutrition and the DTs or something. Either way, bravo on the costume and I’m thinking you have a nice pair of thick, muscular calves. Ummmmmmmnomnom.
.
I’ve taken up oil painting as of late and one of my latest was an ode to Snooki. Later, I’m going to do a series of the whole cast. Only I’m going to mix dog feces with the paint so it’ll be a scratch-and-sniff.
.
As for this weekend, it’s been a lot of coffee, web site building and general irritation at humanity. Hermit speaks for me, indeed.
.
Defecants

10:39 am November, 5 DarkSock said...

Put that shit on Etsy, Medusa; there may be a c-note in it for you…
.
I just watched one of the new Beavis and Butthead episodes (Tech Support) and found it to be retarded, crude and generally in poor taste. It was hugely satisfying.
.
As a bonus, when our heroes were inexplicably put in the task of being telephone IT assistants they kept asking irritated customers “How’s the weather in Biloxi?”
.
It’s hot and moist…heh heh huh huh heh heh heh
.
Darias.
sdfad

10:48 am November, 5 hermit said...

I’m still chuckling over.the vicious douche scowl on The rev’s face.
.
That pic is now my wallpaper.

11:06 am November, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Medusa, awesome. Fuccin awesome.

11:34 am November, 5 hermit said...

Wow Medusa. The walls of my hovel are covered with velvet Elvis posters and various subpoenas and restraining orders. I need to purchase an original Medusa and class the place up.

11:36 am November, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Medusa, now she’s ready for Stackhouse. It’s perfect.

12:21 pm November, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

No one noticed that I grew a chin fung in the shape of an upside-down penis. The faux tattoo is kids marker written ” Livin’ Da Life” from that oldbag AC guy. Everything from the dollar store, even the shirt.
.
And yes Medusa, I have naturally thick calves.

12:25 pm November, 5 creature said...

did you use a ‘stencil’ for the fung, Rev?
…just curious

1:57 pm November, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Little Girl mascara on penis shaped grey hair.

6:19 pm November, 7 Rick Derris said...

Thank you DoucheyWallnuts

The guy was a fraud.

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