Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Douchies Begin December 5th

Be there. Or be this guy.

For those who’ve volunteered for this noble service, I salute you.

If you see your name below, you’re in charge of giving out that Douchie Award.

Write up a 2-3 paragraph summary of why the award is deserving, and email to your humble narrator by December 1st, along with 3-4 links to your runners-up.

Douchiest Douche-Face — Douchey Wallnuts
Most Annoying Rockerbag — CB Popped
Comment of the Year — Wheezer
Quartasians and Trannys — Douchble Helix
Douchiest Hand Gesture — tall guy
The John Largeman — Et Tu Douche?
Douchiest ‘Bag Who May Be a Lesbian In Drag — Wedgie
Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy – Medusa Oblongata
Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth — Jacques Doucheteau
The Douchebaguette — Mr. Scrotato Head
Most Euro Eurobags — Reverend Chad Kroeger
Smells Like Poo — Creature
‘Celebrity’ HCwDB Couple of the Year — Vin Douchal
Most Annoying ‘Bagling — Nancy Dreusche
The Ricky — Mr. White
Hottest Librarian Hott — The Dude
Greatest Crisis of Modernity — Hermit
Douchiest ‘Athlete’ — Bob McAdouche
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott — Douche Equis
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection — DarkSock
Most Expensive First Date Hott — Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
The Yellowtail (Oldbag) — Mandouchian Candidate
Douchiest ‘Bag Trend — Mr. Scrotato Head
Greasiest Grease Stain — MusicFanatic
Douchiest Hair — dbBen
Douchiest Facial Fung — Douche Springsteen

Still to be claimed if ya wanna participate (just claim it in this comments thread):

—-

I’ll, of course, be handing out the rest.

A grateful nation salutes you.

And props to scholar and learned thespian Medusa Oblongata for designing our 2011 trophy. The 2011 Douchies be on. They most certainly be on.

EDIT: Updated the list.

# posted by douchebag1
12:28 pm November, 5 Wheezer said...

Hey Boss, I was actually only asking if you thought there should be an award for Comment of the Year™ – I wasn’t actually trying to claim it.
.
However, if it is your decree as Boss and Ruler over the land that I come up with one, then I shall endeavor to provide a worthy speech. My intent was to use the various Comments of the Week™ as contestants, much like the Weeklies lead to the Monthlies, etc.
.
Does that work for the panel?

12:29 pm November, 5 Wheezer said...

(Especially since I haven’t won ^one yet, so I should appear to be impartial.)

12:37 pm November, 5 Steve L. said...

Hottest Librarian Hott please?

12:43 pm November, 5 Steve L. said...

actually, forget it. i’m sorry. =_=

1:05 pm November, 5 Mr. White said...

I’ll take The Ricky.

2:44 pm November, 5 Anonymous said...

If Steve really doesn’t want the Librarian Hott, I’ll look into that stack of books.

3:10 pm November, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

I throw my poon skin hat in the ring for Most Annoying Bagling. Perhaps with my mock I can stop the youngin’ from becoming Most Annoying Bagleenager.

3:27 pm November, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

Or Most Annoying Twentysomethingbag.

3:46 pm November, 5 creature said...

most annoying baghunter?

4:07 pm November, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Haterz gonna hate. Hey Creature, I left Oldbag for you. See if you can do it without sounding like a hypocrite.

4:08 pm November, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

I totally for got what The Ricky is. Help me out.

4:23 pm November, 5 hermit said...

I find the ongoing fued between creature and the Seven(ty) Faces of Nancy Dreuche fascinating.

4:25 pm November, 5 hermit said...

*feud*

4:53 pm November, 5 hermit said...

Since “The Yellowtail” has nothing to do with Asian ass pear, I’ll request a shot at “Crisis of Modernity.”

6:35 pm November, 5 Mr. White said...

Medusa, never forget.

11:03 pm November, 5 Anonymous said...

Shit, The Dude will take Librarian Hott if Steve L don’t take it.
I keep fergetting that I can’t sign in on this dumb ‘pooter.

Sincerely,

The Dude

11:04 pm November, 5 Anonymous said...

p.s. – The Dude is already kneed ‘eep in research!!

2:04 am November, 6 CB Popped said...

Ready for duty Boss.

I cant wait to eviscerate the Rockerbags, because they are using music as a ruse to get the HCs and pear.

11:23 am November, 6 Jacques Doucheteau said...

What? No one claimed Most Expensive First Date Hott? What the hell is wrong with you people!
.
Eh, I don’t wanna. It’s too much trouble to look over all the hotts posted on the site over the past year, staring at their boobies and asses and imagining them bouncing up and down for my enjoyment. Eh. Well fucking MAN UP!
.
Hey boss, if it’s allowed I’ll gladly pull double duty (amongst other things) and peruse the back catalogs for worthy candidates in this category. We all know it’s going to be Champagne Katie, but it’s still worth having a good hard (hehe) look at the rest of the perfectly proportioned milky thighed seductresses that never have to pay for dinner or drinks that abound the on the site.
.
Lemme at ‘em!

11:30 am November, 6 Douchble Helix said...

No. No. No. No…
.
Major misunderstanding here, old chap.
.
I hate those posts. They come up so often, there may as well be an award, but I’m not gonna spend 2 seconds looking for trannys. Whether they are or aren’t.
.
How about a “Friends Of The Road” award for best whore or otherwise compensated Bleethe?

11:36 am November, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Beautiful job with the Loving Cup portion of the trophy, MO!!
.
Tell me, DB1, is it like Lord Stanley’s Cup? Do th
.
ugh, I can’t finish the sentence, it’s all too hideous…

3:31 pm November, 6 DarkSock said...

I’m badly hungover and can’t think…i’ll take what’ever one’s left.
.
Damn you Fighting Cock bourbon.

3:38 pm November, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douchble Helix, why don’t you man up for once in your life and do it. Plus you get to look at Quatasians too. That should get you through the rough tranny patches.

3:49 pm November, 6 Jacques Doucheteau said...

4:48 pm October, 29 Douchble Helix said…
.
Is it too late for categories?
.
How about a Quartasian category, and a tranny category?
.
And they winners needn’t be Quartasians or trannys.

.
What’s the major misunderstanding? Sounds like someone volunteering to sort through Quartasians and trannies to me. Now change out of those overalls, grab your Fleshlight and get cracking.

4:28 pm November, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Harrummphhh!!! Now see here, Mr. Doucheteau, if that is your real name.
Why, I, uh.. Hey! Look over there!!

4:45 pm November, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DH, you could even do a tranny quartasian side by side! It’s not like your wife is gonna let you finger her butthole anytime soon, so might as well write up an award. It’s the least you can do after suggesting it. And just think your MS Paint skills will be on the front page, way better than a picture in the comments thread. Your little shitty dream will finally be realized.

6:11 pm November, 6 Bob Mcadouche said...

I’ll take douchiest ‘athlete’ if you don’t mind.

6:16 pm November, 6 Douchble Helix said...

@ND, I rather see you doing a tranny quartasian side by side!
.
Let one of the jagoffs that sees trannys everywhere give the fucking award.

8:12 pm November, 6 douche equis said...

I’ll take Hottest Girl Next Door Hott for $200, Alex. At least the contestants won’t terrify me.

I would have preferred either Most Innovative New ‘Bag Maneuver or Douchiest ‘Bag Trend, because in the past I have had strong feelings on these difficult-to-distinguish-from-each-other categories, but after the death ray that was the Male Groin Shave Reveal I’m not sure that I can get particularly workedup about anything. It’s like trying to pick the ‘Bag of the Year in a post-Stackhouse, Smoot-less vacuum.

8:54 pm November, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DH, haven’t you learned by now that the tranny card is played when a dude is uncomfortable about admitting he’s attracted to a powerful looking woman. It’s like when a guy thinks a girl has high self esteem so he tries to chip away at it by treating her poorly or insulting her to lower her self esteem in order to make her feel like she better stick with him because no one else will find her attractive. I think its called The Game dude. You should really check into it. It might net you more ass play as well. Also tell her all the cool kids are doing it. That also works. In conclusion, happy tranny hunting motherfucka! I look forward to your write up.

9:21 pm November, 6 Douchble Helix said...

@ND – Just yesterday, I sent an e-mail to some people I’ve had dealings with lately. It started like this:
.
“Here’s why you guys suck:”
.
This is how I would start your’s:
.
“Dear Shit-For-Brains,”

6:30 am November, 7 douchebag1 said...

No infighting among the ‘bag hunters! We got Douchie Awards to hand out, people. No fractures amongst the team, lest our mock be diminished.
.
– management

6:46 am November, 7 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Boss,
I’ll take Most Expensive First Date Hott if Jacques will give it up instead of doing double duty.

10:09 am November, 7 Mandouchian Candidate said...

I will take the yellowtail if it is still available, but being a Newb, I need the specifics on WTF I need to do and when I need to do it by…

6:44 pm November, 7 Douchble Helix said...

She started it.

8:34 pm November, 7 Anonymous said...

I’ll do the greasiest grease stain…I know a few lol

8:35 pm November, 7 Musicfanatic said...

I’ll do the greasiest grease stain…I know a few lol

10:31 pm November, 7 dbBen said...

Because I’ve recently had a haircut.
.
Because I still wake in the middle of the night screaming, drenched in sweat with an image of four prong burnt into my mind’s eye.
.
Because I studied the hieroglyphics in King Douchous the IV’s head for my master’s thesis.
.
I feel that fate has prepared me for this moment. Boss, I’m all over Douchiest Hair.

11:11 am November, 8 Douche Springsteen said...

I’m a bit late to this party it seems. I will take Douchiest Hair if no one else is interested in presenting that one.

8:54 pm November, 9 Sir David Douchenborough said...

Wahey! Has it been a year already? Why, it felt like it was just last week we were getting spammed by HineyHo’s dedicated followers. Jiminy, I have been off the Ranch too long, even though this time around I actually do not have any test tubes or plates to juggle around to prevent from contributing. Ah well, Darksock has taken up the mantle of ascribing the vagaries of scrotolution. I could interject on the folly of commonly overused phrase known as “Alpha” by the roidbag wannabes, but I will like to save that when it really needs a summon.

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