Sunday, December 18, 2011

“Celebrity” HCwDB of the Year: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey

Vin Douchal hands out the 2011 Douchie Award for douchiest Celebrity Coupling of the Year:

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After playing an hour of “Ignite People On Fire” online while zonked on Vicodin I realized there will be no appearance by any of the Kardashians to victimize so I exited.

This led me to some investigating into the year past for “The Douchiest Celebrity Couple”.

Sure “The Bieber” was front and center. Ashton Kutcher gave up the hottest piece of ass in Hollywood for a night with a Woo Girl. And even though the vitriol spewed here for Russell Brand and Katy Perry has been absolutely toxic, I kind of like each of them individually.

No this year there is a certain couple that has become an infested boil on our consciousness in a subtle, yet effective, way kind of like leaning to the side while sit-farting to silence it but the stench still permeates.

I speak of Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey

Theirs is a romance of stepping in poo not once but with both shoes. Sure, when Mariah first hit the scene umpteen years ago her talent was evident. I distinctly remember the photo on my daughter’s cd . Mariah with her tousled hair, perfect full body pose seductively profiled holding a microphone stand . Since then she has insultingly called her fans, “lambs” and her material tanked once ex-Tommy Mattola ( he of the nuclear precision ability to spike an artist’s career arc) rid himself of her brand of lunacy.

Cannon ruined the kids show, “All That”, on the Nickelodeon Network. Some talented young people went to careers after this show. Keenan and Kel, Amanda Bynes, comedian Gabriel Inglesias are the most notable. As they left, the replacements were brought in. The show came to a screeching halt whenever replacement Nick Cannon was on the screen.

Such horrible sketches as “Sweaty Spice” , who was one of the Spice Girls, “Latanya”, a mini-mart cashier and the worst but aptly named, “Boring Man” then “Dr. Maybe”, an obvious and unfunny attempt at Dr No. My daughter and I never watched again…

Fast forward to today. Nick Cannon is still pooping all over the place. His is a Seinfeld Show-like career of doing nothing, entertaining that is. His music is fer sh#t, his stand-up comedy is fer sh#t, his radio show is fer sh#t and he is the American Idol Seacrest-type character for “America’s Got Talent” , a program that showcases people with no talent so he is uniquely qualified. Mariah has spent years yo-yoing her weight like Kirsty Alley binging on crack then Krispy Kremes.

The evidence is apparent even rampant against this year’s “Douchiest Celebrity Couple”.

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are so into themselves, so full of virus that I give them the nod for Grieco and Bleeth that most represents the reprehensible:The Douchiest Celebrity Couple of 2011”.

I beseech all supermarket magazines to stop talking about and photographing these two, especially with their new twins. Like a bee buzzing around your Night Train nightcap at sunset, if you ignore it will go away. They are said bees

————

# posted by douchebag1
7:24 am December, 18 Douchble Helix said...

Every word you so eloquently spoke is the emmis. None-the-less, I’d like to bang the shit outta her.

7:37 am December, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Hahaha! I forgot she called her fans lambs. Maybe having kids will mature these two. Maybe not. Nice write up Vin. Word to your sheeple.

7:59 am December, 18 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Vin
Spot on my man!!!!, as Dave Chappelle once uttered on the Chappelle Show
.
“Dave Chappelle: Who? Who’s Nick Cannon?
Chappelle’s Kid: Nick Cannon’s ‘ilarious.
Dave Chappelle: Man, fuck you son! I’m glad you think he’s so gaddamn hilarious because he just walked off with your school clothes money. I’m broke nigga, I’m broke!”

8:21 am December, 18 Medusa Oblongata said...

He’s gay, anyway. When she’ll figure it out is anyone’s guess.

8:22 am December, 18 CB Popped said...

Exellent write up, well chosen,,,poo with both shoes ftw.

Maria hails from non other than Strong Island, NY., Tommy Mottola upgraded to Shakira, fuck yes.

Vin, I thought Collaz Be Popped was kinda long, and I assumed the Douchestyle was going out of douchestyle….then I saw Gynochin and the Norweigan rifle-assault-mass-murder-guy wearing popped collars.

So I knew I had to keep the name, but just shorten, etc.

Fuccen great award presentation my man.

8:33 am December, 18 Hurl Scheibe said...

Fantastic write up!! Brilliant, scathing, LETHAL!!

What a way to start my Sunday morning.

8:41 am December, 18 Wedgie said...

Come on Vin, give the guy his props. One word: Drumline.
Now that I’m thinking about it, you gave him his props.

8:42 am December, 18 Wedgie said...

I’d still hit her, though. Just have to time it so she’s in the crack stage of binging, not the Krispy Kreme stage. There’s about a 17 day window every couple of years where she’s in the sweet spot. Pardon the pun.

9:32 am December, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Drunken Silverback hath spoken.

9:53 am December, 18 DoucheyWallnuts said...

That nude photo of Nick and Mariah is an unphotoshopped version of what Mariah looked like before she got knocked up. Look at the hand on Mariah’s belly; talk about man hands! Or is it a third person out of frame who had to step in an hold in her prolapsed navel?
.
Wait, who is Nick Cannon?
.
Megalophobes

9:57 am December, 18 Vin Douchal said...

Thank you to all, especially Db1 who threatened to edit this because it was too long.
.
There’s nothing worse than rank amateurs getting accolades when they are obvious shitheel hacks.
Most reprehensible are the executives with the money to spend that constantly shove these assholes down our collective cake holes. The machine is broken but continues to turn out exhaust
.
Even Saturday Night Live hits one out of the park on occassion:
.

.

.
.
Happy Sunday Before Christmas Shopping to all .

10:35 am December, 18 creature said...

hey Vin, I guess you weren’t the only psychotic watching, “Ignite People on Fire” last night….who knew?

11:30 am December, 18 tall guy said...

Thanks Vin for the great write up. I wasn’t aware she called her fans lambs. Sheesh what an idiot!

11:50 am December, 18 Douchble Helix said...

Rev. Chad, I’m glad you brought the topic up. Those words, as posted, struck me as racist.

11:55 am December, 18 creature said...

this time of year canada is all white…but not a-ight!

12:09 pm December, 18 CB Popped said...

Wow Saturday night actually did something funny since the mid – 90s.

2:12 pm December, 18 Wedgie said...

Fuccen Canadians. Oh, the irony.

3:03 pm December, 18 Hermit said...

I have no idea who Nick Cannon is, but I seem to remember Mariah starring in the 90’s era sitcom “Carey and the Hendersons.”

3:49 pm December, 18 troy tempest said...

An excellent takedown on Mariah and Canon. I find them both so loathsome it’s hard not to want to pile on and mock more, but basically you nailed everything I’d say about them. Good job. They suck.
.
CKannnaon dick wad – he’s a mystery to me – I avoided his work successfully. But Mariah – ugh. That woman is the single greatest waste of talent I have ever come across, ever. She has a great voice. Too bad she never learned how to sing anything worthwhile.

5:11 pm December, 18 FredN. said...

Been lurking on and off for 5 years. Laughed plenty at Rev Chad’s posts. However, no amount of “hey, I banged black chicks” removes the racist tone of today’s diatribe.

Stick with what you know Chad– poo and bitches. Leave the racism to the other sites that steal DB’s shite.

7:21 pm December, 18 douchebag1 said...

Agreeing with FredN, I just deleted a few of the comments. The wit is way too strong on this site to resort to those kinds of analogies, even if done in ironic jest.
.
Back to the quality mocking, please, posthaste.

.
– management

8:11 pm December, 18 FredN. said...

I am now getting a tattoo on my left flank in flowing script that reads “douchebag1 said…agreeing with FredN”.
That is my greatest achievement to date. Back to the rum/coke/lime.

8:19 pm December, 18 Nancy Dreuche said...

Hey, where did my picture of Helena Bonham Carter and MJ go? My entire argument in support of the theory of evolution is based on that. Thanks a lot RevChad for getting everyone censored. Freakin Canadians always ruining the fun.

9:14 pm December, 18 DarkSock said...

Well, Nancy, I’m afraid my picture got caught up in Reverend’s line-toeing. Here’s a more respectful photograph of the recently-departed King of Pop.
lp

9:18 pm December, 18 DarkSock said...

And might I second DoucheyWallnut’s disturbing observation; why is there a random longshoreman’s calloused mitt on Mariah Carey’s swollen thorax?
.
.
.
Locust Abortion Technicians.

9:21 pm December, 18 DarkSock said...

Also I was disappointed recently to find out that in real life Mariah Carey is not the curvey spinner I’d always imagined but rather a big horsey galoot.
.
erq
.
Sofas.

3:46 am December, 19 CB Popped said...

Oh yeah Sock,,,shes like 5’11 and large.

4:35 am December, 19 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I don’t always get censored, but when I do I get censored good.
.
I have just tattoed a FredN on my middle finger and am waiting for the Canadian Human Rights Commission and it’s jackbooted flock of lefties PC’s to come knocking for internet hate crimes,
.
As you all know I am indeed black and feel that I am being persecuted by the man. But Db1 (see how I capitalized that, respect) must make a living and amazon don’t like the black face. But you all know I’m kidding right? Except that story about Leah and her boiling loins. And the other one the fat black chick with the thighs like vices. Maybe I was too drunk to write that one.
.
I loves the Fuccen Canadians. Yo.

7:36 am December, 19 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I for one am glad to hear that Mariah is keeping herself busy, although from what I’m hearing Kermit isn’t very happy with some of her scene stealing in the franchise reboot.
.
Well done Vin. Exceptional as we’ve all come to expect.

10:13 pm December, 20 Whoop-di-douche said...

Very few women do nekkid preggers phootoshoots well. Only one I recall that was “well” was Demi Moore on a Vanity Fair cover, and she did it solo without the creeping hand of grab crawling on her.

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