Friday, December 23, 2011

Christmas Thoughts and Links

Oh, Christmas.

You come but once a year. With bad 1950s music. And tiny plug-in lights on self-righteous houses. You bring dysfunctional alcoholic WASP families together to not speak authentically, and allow people to pretend they’re altruistic for a few weeks.

And you even brings HCwDB, Christmas style.

Site’s gonna be on reduced posting for the next few weeks, but I’ll be posting a’somethin’ every day to keep you on your toes.

As to this Christmas HCwDB pic, well hot damn, we have our first entrant for the 2012 “Douchiest Pose” Douchie Award, now don’t we. Or perhaps an entrant for my 2023 Guggenheim Show. Or Best Ass Pear? We shall see.

And yes, I missed the 2011 Douchie Award for Best Pear. But Best Pear will be handed out in a special New Years Douchie Award. So stay tuned.

In the meantime, enjoy your holiday linkage. It goes well with Christmas dinner and family dysfunction. And while I’m not a Christian, and therefore tend not to celebrate holidays with “Christ” in the name, some of my best friends are Christians. They’re very glad to meet me. And they have stock tips. And are very polite. And enjoy alcohol.

Here’s your Christmasy Links:

Your HCwDB Holiday DVD: “This ain’t no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it’s gonna be. This is pricks fix!”

Bags R’ Us is on Facebook. Of course it is.

Lawyers. The new douchebags. Or perhaps the old ones.

Ice Cube brings architectural appreciation O.G. style.

Sometimes, when you’re bored and living in Nigeria, it’s time to just sing about vagina.

The shitfest of a website that is “Holy Taco” continues to rip off my writing style and douche-humor without so much as a link back. I can’t tell which site I hate worse, Holy Taco, The Dirty, or The Chive. All are lame internet vampires that suck off the living.

Investment Banker Mike, spurned by a woman after a first date, writes her the creepiest and douchiest email of 2011.

Christmas rule: Never eat cocaine out of your brother’s butt. You could die. Especially if you’re Ricky Williams.

Don’t look at this. I told you not to look at that.

Christmas Rule #2: Don’t finger-bang a Chihuahua.

But you are not here for Chihuahua finger banging. Well, perhaps you are. But either way, you’ve been good. You’ve earned it.

Sue-Ellyn Christmas Pear.

Or, if you need a little more revelation in your stockings:

Mattress Flower Pear

Mmmm… mattressy. Leave off the last “S” for suckle gnaw.

Merry something. Ho Ho HoHos.

# posted by douchebag1
7:29 am December, 23 Wheezer said...

Oh my, double pear! I like it.

Have fun doing whatever else you’ll be doing, Boss. For whatever you don’t post the next few weeks, I’m sure ‘Sock will fill in the blanks. Heh.

7:52 am December, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I’ll go for the obvious one: Sue Ellyn looks like she is smuggling a couple of elves across the border in her caboose.

8:01 am December, 23 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Fingerbanging dogs and eating butt coke ? Kind of risque links there, DB1. Having a rough Hanukkah ?

8:05 am December, 23 Et Tu Douche? said...

A pair of Pear, nice!!!

8:14 am December, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Mattress pear FTW. I’d like to take it for a spin around the block.

8:44 am December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Those are sum fucked up links, yo. Kwanzaa be shaking it’s booty all sumfimg up in my ass. Butt coke? Fo shizzle!
.
Bad Santa be rocking this muva NSFW clip. Word! What?.
.
http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHyI52QEzO4&feature=endscreen&NR=1
.

8:46 am December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Muva!.
.

9:08 am December, 23 Anonymous said...

If you really want to see some freaky Genesis shnizzle. Click here, It may work, it may not. Stay stoned my friends.
.

9:17 am December, 23 Nancy Dreuche said...

If it wasn’t for this site I would be snorting sweet sweet China white from my skinny as fuck bro’s non existent ass. Thanks for looking out DB1. Hope your holidays get better. Mine always suck major roid balls on account of my job so business as usual guess. Merry whatever to all ya all.

9:34 am December, 23 Ferris said...

I hate to be the turd in the egg nog, here … but ….

Santa’s little helper up there is carrying a sack. And its not filled with toys for good little boys and girls.

It’s filled with balls. Testicles, if you will.

Have a merry crossdress and a tranny new year.

9:40 am December, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Can’t think of a better way to anticipate and then enjoy the end of the year than Asspear.
.
Happy holidays fellow taint tacklers. Thanks Boss for all the effort you put into providing such savory material for us to lust after and such putrid shoescrape for us to vomit upon. Yours is an uneviable task. I’m not sure which is worse, dregging through all the on-line material to find the worst of the worst, or faking hummers to Hollywood producers in order get your next project into the 3:00 am timeslot on Oprah’s OWN channel. Only you will know the answer to that one. And either way, it isn’t gay if you’re getting paid to do it. And who are we to judge, am I right?

So let us raise our collective glasses of Makers Mark in recognition of a most excellent year of mock. Let us not forget those who who have drifted away (I’m talking about you Crucial Head, Scrotum Pole, Sgt. Scrotestain, Flyteeth, Dicey, and so many more!), and let us always remember that in our own, special, dickish way, we are making a small difference.
.
And by small I mean Peter Pumpin’head wiener small. Because even if you can barely tell its there, its still there.
.
Because we always have been, and always will be, a very dickish group of hatterz. Cheers all.

9:45 am December, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Lawyer Mike sued his make-up artist after this video was made. They settled out of court for 20 free tanning creme applications.

9:47 am December, 23 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Lawyer Mike is representing Stackhouse in his suit against his parents to crack open his trust fund. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 isn’t going to buy itself muthafuckas!

10:59 am December, 23 Southern Scrotic said...

I believe that eating coke out of Mattress Flower Pear’s butt would be a-ok.
.
And quite tasty.

11:04 am December, 23 tall guy said...

Yeah so I have a few lawyer friends so can’t rubbish that particular profession and all, but Mike is an idiot!

11:19 am December, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Could there be any purer example hedonistic, homoerotic excess than a heart stopping helping of 8-Ball Ass Felching? Hint: the answer is no.
.
This way out-classes blowing your heart out with steroids in a Thai bath house. Just for the record though, when it’s my time to go I’ll take the Thai bath house over some dude’s hairy sphincter any day.

11:28 am December, 23 Crucial Head said...

I will be back next year. I missed this year. I missed The Boss, I missed the mock, the boobies, and most of all Lämp.
.
I lurked and dropped in from time to time.
.
IT is lifting it’s ban on site’s like this come next year. So I shall rejoin you all in this circus sideshow of dickish alcoholics and mentally unstable geniuses.
.
I raise a glass of NyQuil to Hermit, micturition to the rest, and a Happy Holiday and Baba Booey to you all.
.
Love in Lämp,
.
Crucial Aloysius Head

12:12 pm December, 23 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Mulva-Elf Pear is a hott. I love when the meat curtains are visible through a garment. This banner picture must start the official 2012 season and be in consideration for a Douchie. Now I am off to engage in a little masterbatory hijinx before I start to drink and play Call of Duty Black Ops on XBox Live, where I get schooled by anonymous 12-year old trash-talking fucc faces.

12:17 pm December, 23 troy tempest said...

thanks for the Genesis blast. I was too young to see that tour, so now i have to see it in replica via Musical Box. Sigh.

Happy Xmas FUCKERS.

I’m not around as much as I would like – too busy writing crap like:

The characteristic theme of von Junz’s[1] essay on the precapitalist paradigm of reality is the role of the reader as participant. But Buxton[2] implies that we have to choose between modernism and cultural postdialectic theory. The premise of cultural deconstruction states that culture has objective value, given that Derrida’s analysis of modernism is invalid. However, Foucault suggests the use of cultural deconstruction to challenge hierarchy. The primary theme of the works of Tarantino is a self-fulfilling paradox. It could be said that Lacan promotes the use of substructural semioticist theory to analyse society.

and all that kind of rot.

FML.

12:21 pm December, 23 Stephanie said...

I like the vagina song,I think it could very well be the new Shags type music 2012. And the links are very funny. Thank you,especially the “don’t look at this”,Holy Shit.

Merry dysfunction to all,and to all a good night.

12:22 pm December, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Hope everyone finds something interesting under the XXX-mas tree.
.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_uxK9p1iezm4/TCoZFUhq2FI/AAAAAAAAFNw/qQ3Bl6dBf4Q/s640/christmas-xmas-moko-asian-girl-qin-meng-qing-02.jpg

12:42 pm December, 23 Wedgie said...

Good to hear from you Crucial. Bring it hard in 2012. And the mock, too.

1:29 pm December, 23 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m already sick of fucking Christmas. Mother bitching at me for getting drunk 2 days before she sees me have one. Wife bitching because I don’t like picking up tinsle and fucking wrapping scraps off the floor. House smells like dope because the cold wind blows it into the house and ahit. Her credit card company calling to thank “us” for increasing the limit on some accounts.
.
Four fucking days of hell to come and then two weeks with the brats out of school. Always a chance of some incest to keep me optomistic. And by optimistic, I mean depressed with a chubby.

2:28 pm December, 23 Wedgie said...

^If you can get a chubby, how can you be depressed?
.
.
.
Viagrans.

3:51 pm December, 23 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Rev, the whole incest them is very Hotel New Hampshire. Just please refrain from giving the dog the shocker without buying her a nice dinner first.

5:24 pm December, 23 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes 3:51p, something tells me I should be offended at your comment and react in such a way where if I were a monocle wearing debutante drinking tea said tea would have a monocle in it after reading that. Dear god, I’ve become unshockable. Good luck next guy. Yeesh.

5:26 pm December, 23 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Stephanie, Congrats on getting into the hall of mock. Well deserved. And I don’t see Creature pitching a hissy about it so you must be golden.

6:01 pm December, 23 Elwood BluezBag said...

Mattressy Pear comes with pillow from Heaven. When I rest my weary head upon, I hear Angels sing on high.

And I’m Agnostic.

7:35 pm December, 23 Anonymous said...

The links are just so… so… horrible.
.
5 seconds of the lawyer was my limit.
.
Made it to the pears. All is well. Enough, anyways.

7:35 pm December, 23 Douchble Helix said...

The links are just so… so… horrible.
.
5 seconds of the lawyer was my limit.
.
Made it to the pears. All is well. Enough, anyways.

8:46 pm December, 23 Troy Tempest said...

@Nancy and Stephanie – just out of curiousity, but how the hell do you girls date? I know Medusa well enough that her social group (tattoo artists, painters, local hebephrenic lunatics and Mr Biscotti) would find this website tame in comparison. You don’t strike me as being nearly as (wonderfully) brutal as Medusa, and in some ways you seem fairly “normal”. I’m obviously not “normal” – I’m a fucking puppet – just look at my picture! But I can only imagine that dating must be quite the challenge these days given the depth of infection of the Greico virus.

I was just thinking that you might meet someone online and arrange to meet them at a cafe. They sow up and small talk continues and then some hipsterdouche wanders in with his skeletal hipster bleeth, and they then order coffee drinks of more than four syllables and steam comes out of your ears, and you start grimacing, and yur dates asks – what’s wrong? and you say nothing – just some DOUCHEBAG is using up perfectly good oxygen! And he asks “WTF are you talking about?” and you nod in the directino of the couple in question and he turns back to you and says “Uh, so?” And then you launch into him with every ounce of invective available, screaming bloody fucking murder about these idiots that are infesting the planet and you jump up on the table, and scream “I BLESS YOU IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST!” and then you hike up your skirt and pee all over the table. And at that point everyone is watching and so you order another coffee and as your date flees for the door you’re like “Hey – where you going?”
.
Yeah, so like I was wondering if that is what your dating life is like. Because you both seem like fairly normal people to me.

8:55 pm December, 23 Troy Tempest said...

And if you’re thinking about TOTAL BABE material, there is nothing beyond Mrs Emma Peel:

.
Avengers.

9:54 pm December, 23 MC 900 Foot Douchebag said...

Apparently Motocross = DOUCHE.

1:07 am December, 24 DarkSock said...

Thank you, Boss, for waving me off of the “eating cocaine out of brother’s ass” cautionary tale.
.
But I’m taking my chances with chihuahua finger-banging.

2:53 am December, 24 Hermit said...

I can barely type having cut my finger in a drunken, weed-smoking, thread-stripping, kerosene-breathing all-nighter trying to ready my two-wheeled aesthetically appalling death traps for next spring’s carnage, head injuries and road rash.
.
Year-end shout out to DB1. I think I speak for many when I say, like most Bosses, his brilliance is sometimes overlooked and under appreciated. Not only is his commentary incredible, I estimate he’s tagged over 5600 Douchebags, not counting the Hotts and Bleeths! How the f#@k does he do it?
We’re all amateur hacks and he’s a pro. He’s tied with Woody Allen as my second favorite all-time Hebrew.
Please keep the site going in some form DB1, you’re doing the Lord’s work.
.
I raise my plastic shot glass high to Crucial Head and offer a hearty Salud my brother! Someone kill the fatted porch beef and break out a jug of Maker’s®, for the prodigal has returned………Son!
Anyone unfamiliar, or who questions the brilliance of Crucial Aloysius Head, need only refer to the internet’s version of The Dead Sea Scrolls, (Sämurai Scröte Thread) for conformation.
.
F#@kin’ Rev cracked me up again with Big Devilbank’s congratulatory message about the wife’s new and improved, (higher) credit limit. Heh, heh, heh.
F@#kin’ women, you can’t live with ‘em and you can’t bludgeon them to death with a pick axe, wrap ’em in plastic and bury them behind the hovel, they just float up in the spring……….damnit!.
.
And to all the rest of my Dickish, Bretheren and Cistern, ye den of vipers, misfits, horse-fuckers, shut-ins, drunkards and psychotics, I say, Merry Christmas to all and to All a Good NyQuil®!

2:56 am December, 24 Hermit said...

^ (capitalized out of respeck’, Yo)

4:57 am December, 24 Douchble Helix said...

Gotta love Mrs. Peel’s cat suit.

6:07 am December, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

How about we start an informal Christmas Haiku thread? I’ll start.
.
dashing through the poo
in a douche/bleeth open sleigh
to the club we go
frol’king all the way

6:32 am December, 24 DouchYouWannaDance said...

A funny Christmas video for everyone:

Rudolph Blooper: Swimming Bird’s Death Plunge.

7:21 am December, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Dear Santa,
.
I’ve been a good boy all year. The kids are doing well in school and I almost always remember to get them at the bus stop. My wife got a cut of the profits at the firm and I’m going back to take a quick diploma thing and then write my thesis. I got off prescription drugs at the funhouse last spring too. And yes, the old stinky dog is still moving and gets a real big smile when I finger-bang her on Sundays.
.
I really don’t need any material things for Christmas cause I’m doing ayight. But I do have a few requests as follows. Thanks in advance you jolly old fucker.
.
-please let me cross paths with Leah the horny Mulatto and let her pubic region be shaven so there is no abrasive evidence for all to see after she face rapes me again like a swarm of rabid genetically modified NyQuil bees
.
-please give Obama some nice testicles so he can rally my neighbors out of their funk, perhaps by a protectionist agenda to starve china and wal-mart. and fuck off Boehner
.
-lay a beating on the middle east so the Chosen can go about their lives without the apocalyptic scenarios set forth in the Good Book and send our sweet ethical oil via pipeline to our good friends in the U.S.
.
-give me a chance to be alone with my hot cousin for some good old Christmas lovin mountain-style
.
-still waiting on the Big Jim Sports Camper
.
-and one final thing, I’d like to wake up one morning in New Jersey with Tea Leoni in a four bedroom house and a job selling tires for Big Ed as long as I get to ass fuck her
.
-and a second final thing, I need to learn how to copy and paste and send text messages.
.
-and I need you to off the hot chick that gives blowies for a slice and a gram cause she knows my name now

God bless the starving children and keep Lenny healthy so I can deal with the life-destroying pain.

7:34 am December, 24 Wheezer said...

Hey, I wish you all a Happy Hatter Holiday season! Nice to see Mr. C. Aloysius Head once again, and that his IT staff is removing certain sticks from their behinds re: certain website perusals. The mock must continue unabated (but never unmasturbated)!
.
I make no fuccen sense. Just stay safe and don’t drink and drive – pull over, you lushes!

11:42 am December, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Troy, well I can’t speak for Stephanie, but if my memory serves I think she said she was married. As for me and dating, I hate it. I’m pretty picky which explains my whole lady hermit thing Ive been doing for the past few years. I guess when it comes down to it I’m an old fashioned relationship type of gal who enjoys gentleman in the traditional manner. What I’m saying is, its been awhile, do you know anyone besides Rev Chad who likes blowies?

12:56 pm December, 24 Wedgie said...

^No, Nancy. I don’t know anyone besides the Rev who likes those. Well, unless you count every male with a pulse on the planet.
So pick your poison, and get busy. Christmas blowies rule.

9:31 pm December, 24 DarkSock said...

Merry Christmas.
.
Son.

4:53 pm December, 25 Stephanie said...

N. Dreuche- to you as well,congrats! I guess the guys like us…er sort of maybe. Maybe our comments will help those who need it. You know who you are. Douches.

Christmas BJ’s are nice, tie a bow around it to make it more festive. Just watch where you put the tape.

I’m not sure I want to get into the dating question. I don’t know if I have any good advice to offer…Dating was (in the past) always difficult…. I was lucky to find a nice guy a little weird like me. But I met him via the things I like to do most,and that’s collecting music. He’s was a music junky and so we clicked. Music collectors are mostly made up of guys,so it’s easy to spot them,they usually smell funny. I got one of those and cleaned him up. I don’t expect to spend the rest of my life with him,but he’s pretty good.
(in other words meet the guy through the things you like to do most-like a shared interest) Kind of like Bonnie & Clyde.

Nancy,sometimes you have to quit trying so hard to meet “Mister Right” or “Mister You’ll Do In A Pinch”. And buy a battery powered toy. I’m sorry guys,you sometimes aren’t the best thing for all of us all of the time. Try some self love. Guys do it,and it’s healthy …that’s a kind Christmas thought,huh?
Nancy,go after the weird ones…they seem more normal, they are entertaining at least. Merry Dysfunctional Christmas.

Now bring on the douches for 2012.

4:57 pm December, 25 Stephanie said...

Genetically modified NyQuil bees That’s real poetry. See,you come to this site,and you get so much for nothing!

7:52 pm December, 25 The Dude said...

Ass pears usually
Appear without a douchebag;
Christmas is poisoned.

9:23 pm December, 25 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Stephanie, Mrs. Nancy You’ll Do In a Pinch has a nice ring to it. Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep it in mind when I’m cruisin’ for wang. And duh, he’s gonna have to be a weirdo to appreciate my weirdness I mean let’s get real here.

9:44 am December, 26 Nostradouchus said...

It’d just slide right in….

Timmay is missing his wheel chair.

4:01 pm December, 26 Wheezer said...

Stephanie (4:53 p.m. on Christmas) said: “And buy a battery powered toy. I’m sorry guys, you sometimes aren’t the best thing for all of us all of the time. Try some self love. Guys do it, and it’s healthy …
.
That’s why we love Friday Ass Pear, but the fortunate part (for us) is that we require no batteries for it. If arthritis hasn’t stopped us yet, then we’re good to go.

9:54 pm December, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Troy–I had to look up “hebephrenic”. Hee hee. I do indeed find this site most tame. There are many things I have seen that I wish I could unsee.

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