Monday, December 5, 2011

Clearest Proof of Natural Selection: Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammageddon

Lets hand out our first official Douchie Award, presented by long-time ‘bag hunter master, the one and only DarkSock:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feckless Readers:  I am humbled to present to you alert readers The Clearest Proof of Natural Selection for 2011.  And by “humbled” I mean “mildly nauseated”.  I offer, for your examination, Peter Pumpin’Head and his partner in genetic crime, Mary Mammageddon:

Why do these two exhibit the clearest proof of Natural Selection in the douchebag wilderness?  First, let us define exactly what “Natural Selection” is, by definition, in case there are any Tea Party members in the crowd:

“Natural selection is the non-random process by which biologic traits become either more or less pronounced in a population; it is a key mechanism of evolution.”

Or, in this particular case, devolution.  The Grieco virus mutation which we fight today became pandemic in the early 90’s.  In normal human populations, the emergence of genetic traits emerge over the course of centuries.  However douchebags and ho’s make and break sexual alliances like soiled socks in the coin-op dryer of Fate in the Laundromat of Oblivion.  The typical douche/bleethe coupling yields prolific and non-exclusive mating sessions much like a vibrating school bus filled to capacity with stoned hypersexual bonobo apes.  You get the picture.  For these reasons, in just over a decade the highest-desired values in the mating selections of the Alpha-Douches and Yogurt-Drips have become emergent, yea, dominant in a frighteningly short time frame.  The most visibly emergent of these douche-desired physical attributes include:

  • Bulging “swole” muscles (male)
  • Bulging “swole” implants (female, and sometimes male)
  • Vacuous stare (both)
  • Shrunken quasi-Orwellian dumb-speak vocabulary (both, LULZ-OMFG)
  • Mass consumption of over-marketed low-quality distillates (both)
  • Orange-hued outer-wrap (both)
  • Shaved genitalia (both)
  • Raisinette testes (male)
  • Long whorish nails, smelling faintly of tobacco, free vodka and doo-doo (female)

As evidence, I present you with your 2011 Clearest Proof of Natural Selection for 2011:  The unholy trinity of Peter Pumpin’head and Mary Mammageddon (she counts as two), as they clearly exhibit the following attributes:

  • Miniscule brain-box set atop a mass of bovine-steroid swole meat?  CHECK!
  • Enormous lolling boob-steaks, engorged to balloon-squeak proportions?  CHECK!
  • Instinctual self-awareness when in proximity of cameras?  CHECK!
  • Same go-to flex-pose?  I offer this:

bulbous

horse

steroid abuser

mad swole

I stand by the statement I made about these two preening poon/peen pot roasts back in May during my hazy two-week reign of this site:

Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammageddon: two textbook narcissists, staring into one another, not seeing the other but rather themselves refracted off of the slick glossy sheen of their own ego; their strutting ids run amok, flexing in the funhouse mirrors of each other’s thin magazine-glossy souls.”

If left to continue reproducing and devolving, I expect their progeny by the year 2030 to be nothing more than a shrunken hairless penis/testes combo attached to a swollen writhing bicep, inch-worming its way into what looks like the face of an English bulldog being crushed between two meat-balloons.  Unless you want to live in a world inhabited by such Von-Goolian wet dreams, you must continue to fight the good fight.

“Oh, DarkSock, you’re just being an alarmist”, you say.  Well, you’re wrong, ass-sausage.  Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammageddon have already had an offspring, and it makes my case more eloquently that words ever could.  I present to you their Unholy Love Child, which they keep chained inside of a pole-barn, away from an unsuspecting Public’s scornful view…BEHOLD WHAT DOUCHE HATH WROUGHT:















Look at it….LOOK AT IT! But take heart, my brothers and sisters, both Human and Canadian:  It’s not too late.  To whip it.  Into Shape.  Shape it up; Get Straight.  Go forward, try to detect it.  It’s NOT too late…to whip it.

Whip it good.

- DarkSock, esq.

# posted by douchebag1
12:08 pm December, 5 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Move forward….straight ahead….into Mammageddon’s mamms!

The Sock at his finest!

12:12 pm December, 5 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

Gee, I think she’s kind of cute in the second picture.

12:14 pm December, 5 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Jesus H Brazilianemohulk… Dark Sock that was an extraordinary write up and a brilliant spotlight on these two labrats as they relate to current and future societal flaws. I stand in awe of this write up and by “in awe” I mean at my cubicle with a HoHo and coffee, toasting a cunning linguist.

+
Social Darksockianisms

12:18 pm December, 5 Capt. James T. Douche said...

You are a true wordsmith Darksock and have made a very strong case for bringing back eugenics. Your razor sharp wit slices right through the wrists of douchery. Good show!

12:22 pm December, 5 Vin Douchal said...

It’s really hard to realize that a woman you describe as “a young, thin blonde with big tits” could be so unfuckable. Damn these taste buds ….
.
‘Sock is Rickie Henderson leading off with a towering drive into the Monstah …

12:22 pm December, 5 Wedgie said...

From the moment Medusa engraved this year’s trophy, these two were a lock. Brilliant analysis, D.S.

12:23 pm December, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

What a great write up to start up the Douchie Awards. The writing was so good it made up for having to view Emo Hulk again. Well done D. Sock. I would be proud to be one of your nepos if you would have me.

12:24 pm December, 5 tall guy said...

Congratulations Dark Sock. Also, ‘Raisinette testes (male)’ FTW! This cartoon-armed freak (and its unholy love child) is getting well above himself.

12:26 pm December, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

When Peter Pumpin’Head and Mary Mammageddon were doing the dance which created Brazilianemohulk it must truly have sounded like Kristie Alley and the corpse of Chris Farley oiiled up and going at it in a White Castle shaped inflatable Bouncie House.
.
Well written DarkSock. You are the Mary Shelly of our generation. And for that we hate you.

12:26 pm December, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That was both beautiful and putrifying and eloquent. Son.
.
Jeff and Rosie are taking a nap before the next set so let’s have my old girlfriend Neneh Cherry keep us grooving against the Douche with her 1987 mulatto Swedish hottness O.G anti-Gigolo rant hit take us forward with the funk.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWsRz3TJDEY
.

12:34 pm December, 5 Troy Tempest said...

So, now that the US Govt has made habeus corpus a thing of the past, now is the time for all anti-douchebag forces to assemble, take power and send these idiots off to “prolonged detention” camps. Except for the girl with the giant fakey boobs. I want her around as my pillow…

12:36 pm December, 5 Troy Tempest said...

Oh, and the photo of Mongo at the end – he looks wide awake, so I guess either he discovered bathtub crank or he’s not confused anymore.

12:36 pm December, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Nice!!! DarkSock, Nice!!!

12:41 pm December, 5 hermit said...

“…bovine-steroid swole meat….”
.
.
.
Heh heh heh.

12:45 pm December, 5 Mandouchian Candidate said...

At this point in Mary Mammageddons life, I believe Raisinette Testes apply to “Both.”

12:52 pm December, 5 Baron Von Goolo said...

You say “Von-Goolian wet dream” like it’s a bad thing.
.
Bravo, ace. I’d forgotten about those freakish stacks of human bowling balls. Your analysis is spot on. That’s “analysis” with the accent on the ‘anal’.
.
The gauntlet has been thrown, ‘bag hunters, and the bar has been set. Bring your A game lest the next two weeks just devolves into a runaway train headed for FartJokeVille.

12:56 pm December, 5 Ferris said...

Darksock, that was brilliance. Truly. Words fail almost as bad as these two. I’ve got nothing to add.

1:01 pm December, 5 jonezy said...

With DB1’s retirement looming, I hope the DSock will find time between boating accidents to keep us regs satiated with premium mock-writing.
.
The original post description is the best synopsis of the douche/bleethe duality that has ever been written.
.
.
Who jump offs.

1:11 pm December, 5 Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt said...

“…engorged to balloon-squeak proportions.”
.
.
.
.
Heh heh heh heh.

Seriously, I think we need a hall or a closet to collect some of these truisms!?

1:17 pm December, 5 SonnyChibaChoad said...

All hail DarkSock! Well-played Sir. Is this comment not eligible in the yearly?!
Jeebus BrazEmoHulk can frighten a buzzard off a garbage truck.
Where’s the shot of her lying backwards in the surf, looking up at his shriveled nuttsack?
.
.
.
Ballchinians…

1:22 pm December, 5 DarkSock said...

But…I LIKE FartJokeVille…
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Thanks, guys; now BRING ON THE DOUCHE-MOCK LIKE IT’S OUR LAST!
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Cable Guys.
.
.
.
*fart*

1:26 pm December, 5 Geoffrey said...

beached as

1:36 pm December, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Best part of the Douchies is hearing from so many familiar baghunters who’s names don’t pop up in the comments threads nearly as often as they should.

1:39 pm December, 5 Hurl Scheibe said...

Dark Sock, Poet Laureate.

Peter Pumpinhead is Jocko Homo.

1:40 pm December, 5 Eliza Douchecoo said...

Bravo!! Well said!!
The only problem I have with your write-up was the ending, made me look at the Brazilian Emo Hunk, damnit!!! That thing haunts the shit out of me.

1:43 pm December, 5 Charles Douchewin said...

Nicely written, Dark Sock!

Clearly, very little is natural about either of these three (counting both mammageddons).

However, their inhuman body proportions suggest that some form of douche-culture progressivism may be at work. If so, its escalation may be similar in function to Fisherian runaway sexual selection (think male Peacock tails) . In which case these three may be harbingers of even weirder douche traits to come.

If this is the case, then 2012 may see an increase in – say – pumpin’ head size herpsters who make poor choices in tribal tats.

Also, nicely placed final pic in the post.

Nobody expects the Brazilian emohulk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSe38dzJYkY

2:03 pm December, 5 Mandouchian Candidate said...

The GSR on BEH is enough to make me want to deep fry my eyeballs in the grease that Mary Mammageddon secretes from her hermaphroditic hinterlands.

Chickswithdicks

2:24 pm December, 5 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I denounce myself for bringing this pair to Dark Sock’s attention.
.
That, and the fact that I’d hit Mary in the Mammaggedon. Behold the power of the douchedox!

2:42 pm December, 5 douchieo said...

I stopped reading your screed at the point where my intelligence was insulted merely because I distrust government overreach. I never took DS as a proponent of government largess.

3:28 pm December, 5 The Dude said...

Well Spoken, Darth Sock. Soon the Empire will be yours! muhahahahahahahaha!
.
.
Sorry for the lithkp.

4:33 pm December, 5 Douchble Helix said...

“I present to you their Unholy Love Child, which they keep chained inside of a pole-barn, away from an unsuspecting Public’s scornful view…BEHOLD WHAT DOUCHE HATH WROUGHT:”
.
I hate to be the one to mention the ugly scourge of plagiarism, but that was lifted word for word from To Kill A Mockingbird, when Boo Radley is introduced.
.
Which is why it reads so well. That’s an award winning book.
.
Fitzgeralds.

4:36 pm December, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DH, I can’t wait for your award winning tranny quartasian.

6:10 pm December, 5 Scooby Douche said...

An interesting theory, and certainly well written. However, in the scientific pursuit of all things douche, there must be peer review. Unfortunately, I believe your theory contains one glaring oversight:

There is practically nothing “natural” in any either of these two bodies! (For purposes of discussion, I am willing to presume that these are human.) To what effect has the massive infusion of chemicals, stimulants, ink, silicon, bleach, dyes, alcohol, etc., not to mention the effects of sleep deprivation from endless hours in front of the mirror, contributed to the downward genetic spiral that spawned such creatures?

Also, Darwin theorized that random mutation would result in development of characteristics that would provide benefits to the species, enabling it to adapt and thrive. These two demonstrate mutations that will result in dwindling away into extinction (one hopes earnestly).

I mean, seriously, even those who don’t believe in God have to pray there is no reproduction going on here.

6:45 pm December, 5 Douchial Webster said...

My respect for DarkSock and his composition is second only to my respect for DEVO and their ouvre.

As for the male members of this crowd (and get your minds out of the collective gutter, as if I’d written “posters” instead of “members” you would’ve still chuckled a la Beavis), let’s recite some DEVO:

“Smart Patrol, nowhere to go
Suburban robots who monitor reality
Common stock,
We work around the clock
We shove the poles in the holes
Shove it!”

6:59 pm December, 5 Stephanie said...

The brown hunk of Zyzz = whip it good.

7:11 pm December, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Scooby Douche, I’m going to “pray” that those two never pop out a Jr.
.
And I know I’m gonna catch hell for making a Simpson’s reference but remember when they covered Whip It on their variety show? “Crack that whip, licorice whip!”. Funny stuff.

7:35 pm December, 5 CB Popped said...

Brazemohulk is scarier than Darksock’s avatar.

He nailed it back in May,,,,Sock’s one of the reasons Im on the site etc.

9:00 pm December, 5 idfma said...

Defining evolution for tea-partiers, who most likely are proponents of intelligent design (and much other poppycock), is not advocacy for government largess–it’s just common sense. The fact that you were offended simply confirms my preconceptions about you. Besides…
.
Darksock FUCKING RULES. As usual, funny shit, DS–you outdo yourself everytime.
.
douchieo, the fact you robbed yourself of the pleasure of the comic genius of the ‘sock is your own fucking cross to bear. Now go shit on a homeless person, while you scream at him to get a fucking job, and call the woman your brother raped a whore, when she tries to enter the abortion clinic, k?

9:06 pm December, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m going to give a nod to Scooby Douche’s screed; indeed there is nothing natural about these two. I think perhaps the greater issue here is the personality traits which are become selected; notice there are more nice guys getting the brush for the Pauly Ds of the world. Instead of witty, funny girls, one must be a vain, whorish bitch in order to secure a man. Well, keeping him is another matter, but he’s around long enough to drop a load in her and steal her bronzer on the way out. Vanity, arrogance, selfishness, a grossly distorted self-image and immaturity are now the hallmark of supposedly happy people, the rest of us are shunned for having other traits. While these freaks can’t pass on their bovine qualities acquired through surgery, they certainly can pass on their collective dysmorphia, attention-seeking and vanity.
.
Galapagoses.

8:12 am December, 6 DarkSock said...

“...he’s around long enough to drop a load in her and steal her bronzer on the way out...”
.
I’m still chortling like Beavis on Nyquil about that one…

8:17 am December, 6 DarkSock said...

Thank you for that clarification of intent regarding my “Tea Party” riff, idfma.
.
Douchial Webster, it truly was not my intent to imply or endorse big government or tax-and-spend liberalism.
.
I was just making fun of stupid people.

10:05 am December, 6 CB Popped said...

I want to pee in a horse, once.

11:47 am December, 6 Voulez-vous douchez? said...

This is a masterpiece worthy of the annoyingly vivid ScreenOfDeath Blue font it’s published in. DarkSock, your case more airtight than a DJ Tiesto beach ball. Thank you for inspiring me today.

9:49 pm December, 6 Jeff said...

The reverse tanline of the Boy in the Barn is hilarious. His navel looks to be positioned slightly higher than normal, too, but with his weird body proportions, it’s hard to tell.

I’m not into male nudity, but I’ll risk them calling my bluff and posing nude because I know they never will. Funny how these ballooned buffoons show off everything but what the little pouch covers. They want everybody to see everything else they’ve got, but not that. I wonder how they explain the severe shrinkage on a hot day at the beach.

10:20 pm December, 6 Douchble Helix said...

If he hadn’t become Brazilian EmoHunk, what would he have become?

5:09 pm December, 7 Nostradouchus said...

He should also win the “Most Unlikely To Be Able to Whipe His Own Ass” award. And I’d fucc Mammmmmma until her implants fell out.

10:23 pm December, 7 Whoop-di-douche said...

Dark Sock’s genius is highlighted by bringing such doucheosity into brilliant daylight.
May the missing other half of his dark sock pair suddenly reappear in his laundry some day. NIght. Whenever.

10:10 am December, 8 YA said...

Guys…Mary Mammagedon’s ModelMayhem page!!
http://www.modelmayhem.com/portfolio/59897/viewall

1:21 pm December, 8 douche equis said...

Spectacular, Sock, as always . . . no one brings it like you. Others have made an inadequate attempt at summing up my admiration, so I will merely mention my pleasure at your use of the word “swole”, which I first saw used in reference to a muscular actor of my acquaintance in a film of my (our) acquaintance . . . I had to look it up in the Urban Dictionary because I had NO IDEA what it meant!

5:11 am December, 10 Blinded by the Shite said...

It looks like humanity is trying to crawl back in to the ocean.

11:28 pm December, 10 Anonymous said...

The first two pictures…..Yea, none of those are women.

3:11 pm December, 13 Mike in daBurg said...

Care to make a bet? Will his hat fit on his bicep, my call is no. Who wants to lose 5 bucks? How bout 10 bucks for the belt, I’m still confident.

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