Thursday, December 15, 2011

Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth: Poppa Squatter

Jacques Doucheteau hands out the award.

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Sing, goddess, the anger of Pelius’ poo and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Americans, hurled in their multitudes to the gym of Hades weak souls of ‘bags, but gave their bodies to be the delicate fisting of dogs, of all birds, and the will of Xenu was accomplished since that time when the first there stood in division of posturing Atreus’ fecal impaction the lord of poo and malodorous Poppa Squatter.

Legend proclaims that King Douchuous the IV had married a cloud, mistaking it for the goddess Francine. Xenu had created the cloud to test the undoucheliness of the brah king who wanted to carry off Francine. King Douchuous was severely punished for his inscrotumence, and was condemned to frolic about forever in the underworld, tied to a flaming Ford Focus.

But his offspring, the hideous Poppa Squatter who came tumbling from the cloud, remained on earth as a scourge to the mortals. For Poppa Squatter is a Manotaur, wild and vulgar and not honoring any of the gods. Half human, and half beast, as cunning as a wild man with substandard intellect and as savage as an untamed wild…beast, or something. Either way, he had inherited the worst dispositions of both, and negative six percent body fat.

The Manotaur lived without law and order, stormed over the fields and tanning salons, trampled crops and the Wednesday club happy hour crowd, carried off the farmers wives; daughters; and whey protein supplements, and ate raw egg whites blended in a low carb shake with spirulina and creatine. Finding solace dwelling at the center of the Glendale labyrinth, Poppa Squatter compels unwitting heros seeking quest to his lair, only to be crushed twixt his greased and hairless glutes like reps in his 300 lb Hack squats.

One mustn’t forget his concubine, Tendon Tina, who is referred to in Dante’s Inferno, an insufferable Harpy with the face and breasts of a sumptuous woman, but the body of a carnivorous raptor:

Inside here nest the repugnant Harpies

Who chased the Trojans from the Strophades

With foul prophecies of the coming poo.
They have beastly orange appendages, human necks and faces,

Feet with claws, and crab-like oiled bellies;

They shriek laments from up in the strange trees.

And so like the Gods who reside upon high Olympus, and Titans before them who were born of Gaia the Earth and Uranus lord of the Universe, we immortalize Poppa Squatter and Tendon Tina, casting their likeness into the constellations and closet of poo, and chronicle their odyssey to poodom in a 15,693 line poem (or “pooem” more like it, hehe) written in dactylic hexameter, the Douchiest Creature(s) From Ancient Greek Myth.

Runners up are as follows in no particular order:

Pecopolous and The Isle of Slutty Hott, cuz that post was already Greek sounding.

Nipplestopheles, because I wrote it.

Billy Dee Villhelm, just so I can stare at Champagne Katie one more time. Gr-r-r-rouf!

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# posted by douchebag1
3:15 pm December, 15 Wedgie said...

Nice to hear from you again, Jacques. We were beginning to wonder if the Baron did something with your corpse.
And may I be the first to say, you have returned in fine style.

3:26 pm December, 15 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

“Diana too has seen better days. Once a pseudo-Asian hott before all the bukakke videos and Benson & Hedges, now she is but an aging trail mule rode hard and put away wet.”

J.D. I can read it a 100 times and I still wet myself laughing. (damn incontinence). Oh and nice write up above too. The Squatter is well deserving of such award.

3:27 pm December, 15 memphis doucheworkers local 421 said...

a beautifully rendered and nightmarish tale, and an apt homage to the ancient primal douchery that is poppa squatter. well done, j doucheteau

3:30 pm December, 15 hermit said...

Endlessly enlightening, educational and entertaining………
.
.
Like a flaming Ford Focus.

3:46 pm December, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Best one yet, fellers. JD you’ve outdone even yourself. I LOL’d then wiped……
.
.
.
…. my eyes, you assholes . Eventually all Ford Focuses return to their natural state: flaming. And usually after brake and steering failure

3:47 pm December, 15 Vin Douchal said...

I know this has been said before but, WTF is up with Poppa Squaters eyes, man? They make my soul quiver

3:50 pm December, 15 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

“…as savage as an untamed wild…beast, or something…”
.
Good gawd. That was hilarious. At the top of the poop heap as always, Jacques. At the top of the heap.

3:52 pm December, 15 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

He still looks like Gilligan after he killed and ate the rest of the castaways and then had to subsist on coconut creme pies and bananas while fighting off the increasingly aggressive advances of the guy in the gorilla suit.

3:52 pm December, 15 Medusa Oblongata said...

I’m a Gorgon, and I approve this message.
.
Nice work, JD! Poppa woulda scared the toga off of Demosthenes.

4:10 pm December, 15 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

While many believe the center of the Glendale Labyrinth is occupied by the giant hermaphrodite Shoznah of Persia, destroyer of souls and proprietor of a chain of reasonably-priced Dry Cleaners in and around the San Fernando Valley, this is not the case as JD points out so eloquently here. Poppa Squatter actually defeated the giant hermaphrodite in breakdance battle during the third Burbankanessian war, gaining the rights to the Glendale Labyrinth and complimentary tall lattes from the Starbucks for all eternity.

5:06 pm December, 15 hermit said...

^ nice

5:47 pm December, 15 Douchie Spellcheck said...

That translation was spot-on.

7:02 pm December, 15 Wedgie said...

I wonder what the inside of that white jacket is gonna look like after an evening of bronzer rubbing off on it.
Time for Champagne Katie’s Dry Cleaner to get busy.

7:07 pm December, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Good shit. Hera hath spoken. Nipplestopheles was a great blast from the past. You’ve come a long way from being pooped on during sexy time Jacques.

9:34 pm December, 15 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Jacques channels Homer’s Iliad for Poppa Squatter………..And the Gods of Olympus gag on their ambrosia as they laugh their asses off.
That
Was
Awesome.

1:31 am December, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Excellent, Jacques….
Poppa Squatter is orange excrement in white and should
a) be thrown over the White Cliffs of Dover
b) handed over to Joisey pud oompa-loompas
c) boxed and delivered to the Baron Von G’s House of Horros

1:45 am December, 16 Jacques Doucheteau said...

What have you done to him? What have you done to his eyes, you maniacs!

5:36 am December, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

There is only one way to destroy this Poopasqaut. The Irish way. And I mean here to honor Jaques’ category is the Sons of Gargamel, the lover of Papa Smurf, the Irish Kiss straight live from the Douchies’ Umbrian stage.
.
‘Please welcome the one, the mulatto, the Gaelic Bombers…Thin Lizzy.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8UoUXmkH_A&feature=related

5:40 am December, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I better sober up. For I believe today we celebrate the finale (passing) of the Douchies and there must be tunes.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8UoUXmKH_A&feature=related

7:03 am December, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Right on JD, loves me some Greek Mythology!!!!!

7:57 am December, 16 Douche Springsteen said...

Monsieur Doucheteau, your prose has moved me to salty fuccen tears. Homer has nothing on you. Well done.

9:01 am December, 16 tall guy said...

Jacques Doucheteau your choice and subsequent selection reasons for make a superb argument for the introduction of compulsory sterilisation. Several things about this clown baffle me. However all things about this clown disgust me. Congratulations, sir! We need your future input like POPPA SQUATTER’s jacket needs dry cleaning (read, deorangifying) after every time it’s worn.

11:09 am December, 16 Tom Choad said...

It’s been a long time since I checked in, but I’m glad I did today. Master Doucheteau, that was a brilliant rendering of the Ancient Greek myth of Poppa Squatter, as though delivered by Zeus himself from the hallowed hill of the A-CRAP-olis. Well done, as always, Jacques.

11:22 am December, 16 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Somewhere in Valhalla, Thor is using Mjolnir to tenderize a chicken fried steak while Loki recites the tale Poppa Squatter. Odin solemnly puts his head in the oven and turns on the gas, forgetting they went electric 2 years ago.

11:40 am December, 16 Eponymous Douche said...

I once had a nightmare in which I had eaten something truly foul. When the inevitable bowel movement happened, I looked into the bowl and this is what was staring back at me. It was the most scared I have ever been. I hope to never experience that kind of terror again.

4:42 pm December, 16 Baron Von Goolo said...

That was lovely.

2:15 am December, 17 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Thanks Baron.
.
But quit envisioning my dessicated visage strung upside down from one from one of your infernal contraptions when you say that.
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Oh, and Mrs. Doucheteau says “hi”.

9:54 am December, 18 Blinded by the Shite said...

Oh look, it’s Iggy Poop.

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