Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Douchiest Douche-Face: Tighty-Whitey Douche

Douchey Wallnuts hands out the award:

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Eleven months, over 50 candidates. Poo, poo everywhere and what a mighty stink… Going back to the beginning of 2011 and coming up with this list was an eye-melting, brain cell-killing experience that had me reaching for the promotional sized bottle of Maker’s Mark, while I wept for the magnitude of the Societal Loss on display on these web pages.

My criteria was simple, if they appeared in a picture and had been given a nickname they were eligible. There were rare exceptions where the face was so punchable that I decided to give them a name and enter it into my Douche-Face Analyzer. I was able to whittle the list down to a manageable 6 candidates.

Which brings me to my first nominee, Tighty-Whitey Douche who appeared in a group picture in November. You can see why he made the cut.

The Herpster. He makes me hate, as do all good (bad) douche-faces. I’d love to make his head tlit permanent via a broken neck.

A. Samuels. This is a video entry, which makes his face more douchey and more frightening. Not only should A. Samuels get punched in the face, he should get stomach cancer.

Gynochin. In the monthly winner comments Dude McCrudeshoes said it best, when he recognized Gyno’s “impressive body of work.” Societal Loss at its best.

Too Tight Tony. He embodies all the classic symptoms of the Grieco Virus, while toiling in relative anonymity in Middle Douche-Earth. No need for any other pictures of this guy. He doesn’t have to win a monthly. He represents all the one-shot, randoms on the site.

Hello Kitty Hott. Since we are equal opportunity mockers I see no reason why we shouldn’t include a female nominee in this catregory. She’s made many appearances, but deserves a full-on punch in the face for her douchette-face and for her taste in men.

And the winner is….

Tighty-Whitey Douche is the recipient of this year’s Douchiest Douche Face Award. A face you would kill, on top of all of the de rigeur douchebag elements.

Groin Shave Reveal, bathing trunks that make him look like a total dick, bleeth that is both hot and tranny-like and a complimentary douche-bleeth couple who are borderline award-worthy in their own right.

He didn’t need to make a overly “facey” face or execute a contrived “for-the-picture” expression; his face in its natural state is the epitome of douchey.
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# posted by douchebag1
9:55 am December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Wallnuts deserves some kind of endurance award for wading through all that douchemug.

10:04 am December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Tighty whitey wants us all to learn from his mistakes. Not all Eastern Euroean hardbodied hotts are hot, or even necessarily female. Be safe out there.

10:09 am December, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I hated that guy too. It looks like they took a big douche and photoshopped the Napoleon Dynamite guys toilet grunt face onto him and threw a shit-mop on his dome.
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Your next dancer will be on the stage shortly after she brushes the champagne room from her teeth. Dancing to her favorite song live from Utah at a festival where the guys augment their electrical aisle income and small ASCAP royalties with gigs. Cause Rogaine ain’t free and daughter Sally has a bad overbite.
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Put your hands together for the stipper’s second best friend after cocaine and cheap wine, Night Ranger.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBHPyRh92Z0&feature=related
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If I had a dime for every time a stripper put her foot on my balls from across the table while this song was playing, I’d have twenty cents.

10:11 am December, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

Nice Wallnuts. And great job Wallnuts! See what I did there? Now while I had admitted to possibly wanting to hover hump the dude on the right, this gentlelady prefers blondes, the fact that the douche on the left is wearing a white Speedo this far past Labor Day is what really grinded my gears. Great equal opportunity mock with Hello Kitty Bleeth, perhaps after Bathtub Hooch Katie loses Hottest Hott they can drown their sorrows with Hello Kitty Champagne. I would really love to help you guys not fall prey to the douchedox but I understand, we’re only human, were allowed to make mistakes sometimes.

10:15 am December, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Rev, come on you would have at least 50 cents.

10:34 am December, 14 The Dude said...

Tighty Whitey is an excellent choice, nicely done. Satisfied with his body grooming, he wears a slightly pouty expression — the ‘pouche face’.

10:37 am December, 14 tall guy said...

Top research work, Douchey Wallnuts! And excellent break down, too. Man, I hated that upper-class looking prat from the moment I laid eyes on him (read, had my retina burnt from the horror of looking in his direction). I mean, what the fuck do this lot do all day? Lift things up and put them down again then look in mirrors and at each others muscles? Lord, fuck me!
ps Dreuche, so that’s your taste, eh? Okay, well you’d hate the look of my lanky frame…
pps I feel unclean thinking dirty thoughts about tranny hott combo (coz that’s the way I roll).

10:41 am December, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, I really just like his hair color. Hes also a little toooo sculpted, oh yeah and he’s a giant douche. Phew that was close. I was 40 minutes away from rubbing one out to him. Nice save.

10:51 am December, 14 tall guy said...

That’s cool, Dreuche. I’ve enough self-awareness to accept that certain dudes get their pick of the crop when it comes to flowering beauties.

10:51 am December, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

I don’t even remember this pic which says a lot but none the less a deserving winner. He looks none too happy and I think the reason is he he’d rather have is arm around his Bro waist rather then around the chicks waist.

10:56 am December, 14 tall guy said...

Also, great taste in vids, Kroeger. That blond dude’s pretty rocky for a bassist. Must be his hollow bodied. Perhaps Dreuche wants to confirm whether the collars’n’cuffs match…

10:57 am December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Dreuche… there’s a heck of a lot of anti-Katie lobbying coming out of your corner lately. And by corner, I mean literally the rocking chair in the corner with all the crocheted blankets and cat hair.
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I’m actually pulling for Tiny Dancer. And I mean pulling. Constantly. It’s getting a little red and sore. But I want to point out that your rabid anti-Katie position probably betrays crypto lesbian feelings on your part.

11:00 am December, 14 Vin Douchal said...

Great work. In my head I hear Joe Pesci when I read the estimable Signor Wallnut’s posts. If only we could arm him like a Pesci character to wreak havoc on the douchebags…
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He didn’t need to make a overly “facey” face , true. But he’s bringing the asshole-y asshole

11:01 am December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Somewhere in Croatia, a plastic surgeon’s assistant is reviewing the books and wondering where the defective breast implants she was supposed to return for a refund went.

11:02 am December, 14 Vin Douchal said...
11:05 am December, 14 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

He didn’t need to make an overly “facey” face, that would have caused him to shit his pants.
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Well played Douchey Walnuts.
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Your reference to Makers Mark and this time of year have me missing our venerable Crucual Head. I hope he’s doing well. I hear he’s teamed up with Pfah, evading federales in lower Oaxaca as they ship contrabant llama semen to the US inside ceramic replicas of Plinky’s Mom’s prolapsed rectum.
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I’ll raise a glass to you, Croosh. Hope the holidays see you well.

11:18 am December, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes, damn it, if you’re not after mine own heart with that off the cuff psychoanalysis. You know that stuff gets me going. And if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times to the cats in my neighborhood, “I am allergic to you, why do you insist on constant interaction with mine leg.”. Must be this damn animal magnetism. Grrr.
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Shampoo Katie for Hall of Plot Twist.

11:34 am December, 14 Medusa Oblongata said...

He is Everydouche. Too much time on his hair and physique. Stupid shades hiding dead eyes, the window to an empty soul. The slack jaw of a trust-fund brat whose nostrils have never smelled anything more offensive than the smell of fresh-cut grass on the driving range. Splendid work, Mr. Wallnuts.

11:40 am December, 14 Wedgie said...

You guys are some funny fuccers. Wallnuts, in addition to having one of my favorite avatars, has an eye for the sublime and a sharp wit. This is a great choice, and embodies what the site is about. ‘Cuz he’s a complete toolio, I want to get the Droogies to tap-dance on his ass while I pound his bleeth. Which makes me feel both excited and deeply ashamed.
Catholic School always gets the last laugh, don’t it?

12:00 pm December, 14 Hermit said...

I couldn’t imagine doing the estensive research DW had to endure for this piece.
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I’d rather dry-hump a spinning, stump- grinder………………………………….naked.

1:07 pm December, 14 CB Popped said...

This is such a greuling category to judge, nice work Walnuts.

Jim Breuer does a great peschi.

Stumpgrinder. Metal name.

8:26 pm December, 14 Douche Springsteen said...

Occupy Las Vegas. Then burn it to the ground and salt the scorched earth so that no more pestilence shall issue forth from that wretched plot of desert.

8:54 pm December, 14 Douchble Helix said...

Oh no you did-n’t, DW!! Hello Kitty Bleeth is Holy. Completely Holy.
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Besides, I suppose that’s her normal face. But who ever looked there?

6:24 am December, 17 douche equis said...

You know, I was looking at this one saying “Oh, come on — we’ve seen way douchier faces this year than that one.” Then I reached this sentence in DW’s fine writeup:
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“He didn’t need to make a overly ‘facey’ face or execute a contrived ‘for-the-picture’ expression; his face in its natural state is the epitome of douchey. ”
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Sold. There’s your winner. Great job.

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