Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Douchiest Facial Fung: Brothabag Leon

Douche Springsteen hands out the award to an old friend. And by friend, I mean squatpiddle:

——
Dorfman, I’ve thought long and hard about this…

Actually that’s not entirely true. Choosing the “winner” of this year’s Douchiest Facial Fung was easy. I started in the archives in January and found the most offensive contender so soon that I was tempted to just stop my search since I knew no one could possibly top it, but I felt it my duty to slog through the entire year. Presenting a Douchie is not to be taken lightly. Besides, I hadn’t even got down to the label on my bottle of Old Grand-Dad and knew that plenty of HC would be a welcome foil to all the DB.

Brothabag Leon

Calling Brothabag Leon’s facial fung “peacocking” would be a disservice to peacocks. Their gaudy display of attention getting plumage is a product of nature to ensure the survival of their species. In Leon’s case he goes out of his way to painstakingly shape his facial hair into shapes that wouldn’t look out of place on a Georgia O’Keefe canvas just so he can rub his pee-pee against some bleeth after buying her a few $17 martinis. Whether he stands in front of the mirror with a precision sculpting implement or goes to a salon to achieve this look is anyone’s guess.

In either case, it’s such an affront to the evolutionary function of the beard (keeping a man’s face warm while he chops wood, hunts, works the land, etc.) that he should be made to answer to a panel of judges headed by Grizzly Adams for his crimes against humanity. Shave or die, Brothabag Leon.

Runners-Up:

The Chernobros (8/22/11)

Not to be overlooked is the double-flush of the Chernobros. Chernobro Joe’s chin-shrub is pretty bad but it’s nothing we haven’t seen before on these hallowed pages. Why he decided to stop shaving exactly where he did is between him and his maker.

However, Chernobro Moe’s arbitrary bi-level pencil thin lines of facial hair bisecting his bloated face are truly unique and deserve some recognition. And by recognition I mean mocked so hard that he cries and shaves off those ridiculous fung pinstripes so hard that two layers of skin come off with them.

Finally, some (Dis)Honorable Mentions in the field of 2011’s Douchiest Facial Fung are:

Brothabag Jesus Is Not In The Military

White Chocolate 4Evar

The Ferret
—-

# posted by douchebag1
12:40 pm December, 14 Wedgie said...

This is a huge breakthrough for the Brothabags out there. You all owe Leon a debt of gratitude for breaking the glass ceiling and pulling a douchie.
Very insightful Mr. Springsteen. Asbury Park salutes you.

12:45 pm December, 14 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Second!!
Leon sure deserves this award/curse. He looks like a scrotal pathogen, OMG.

12:53 pm December, 14 Champagne Katie's Press Agent's Clippings Service said...

We pour a little out in solidarity with Brothabag Leon, representin by taking home the SECOND brothabag Douchie (DJ Froholio was the 1st this year, I think).

12:58 pm December, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

To quote Albert Einstein, “Fuckety fuck fuck fuck!” I’ve never seen 4 douches so freakin’ angry with the camera. Is that part of their hyperaggressive territorial display? Probably, but it would be a easier on the nerves to just pee on the 4 corners of their turf. Also of interest, is the “I’ve just casually turned sideways and now… mmmmphgh… did you catch how big my arm looks, bra?” pose on the two front douches.
.
Well done, Douche Springsteen. And by well done, I mean anal leakage splash looking facial fung.

12:59 pm December, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I still think that girl is Bree Olson with the Montelango brothers. You must have got a headache writing about this species. Brothabag looks like he had crop circles grown on his face.
.
Douche Springsteen, Douchie Wallnuts, and I met in 1981 in a crappy little strip dive in Camden. I was 16.
.
Can’t remember the name of the place but there were a few brothers at the door. The music came on as the DJ announced that Douchey’s second cousin from his Nona’s side, Adrianna LaCervix was going to perform. And through the magic of my imagination they are playing Adrianna’s favorite. A stripper hit way back in those late rock days. The San Fransisco destroyers themselves. The wheels in the sky, the lovin’ touchin’ quintet from New Jersey. Journey.
.
http://www.youtube.com/2uA1ksmnnwPc

1:02 pm December, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Good weed.
.
http://www.youtube.com/2uA1ksmnwPc

1:04 pm December, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Way too good!
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uA1ksmnwPc

1:28 pm December, 14 Vin Douchal said...

“The Ferret Nibbles” may be the funniest tag by Db1 all year. Farking Who’larious
.
Kudos and pity for scholar Douche Springsteen for having to look through all the dreck to cull our winner in this god awful catagory.
.
I reminds us of poor Dilubhai Rajput and his diamond shitting cow

1:29 pm December, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

Brothabags gettin some love and as “Champagne Katie’s Press Agent’s Clippings Service said” a SECOND douchie to be rewarded. Now if Champagne Katie wins the “Hottest Hott of the Year” award does BIlly Dee Vilhelm count as a 3rd winner?
.
Good stuff Douche Springsteen!!!, B-Bag Leon was destined for this award the moment he walked into his barber and requested this abomination of facial grooming.

1:29 pm December, 14 Vin Douchal said...

Moe Chernobro looks like a bloated corpse, yeesh

2:31 pm December, 14 Douchble Helix said...

Would somebody please teach The Good Rev how to copy & paste!!??

2:36 pm December, 14 Douchble Helix said...

I leave it to Mr. White to explain my feelings about The Chernobros’ woman. Garglebag & Nadia – A-OK. This – not so much.

“12:57 pm August, 29 Mr. White said…

“I dunno, DB1. The last couple of weeks have found you posting “Old Leather Baseball Mitts with Douchebags.” To be fair, they might have been voted up by the general populace anyway, but still. Let’s not get all “x with Douchebags, Where x Is Any Vaguely Female-type Person” up in here.”

2:47 pm December, 14 DarkSock said...

There could be no other clear choice for this category. D.S.
.
“Shave or die, Brothabag Leon”, indeed.
.
Or better still, be forced to grown a pimply neck-beard until you look like Grady from Sanford and Son.
.
Lamonts.

3:09 pm December, 14 Stephanie said...

I need to spill a little ink on the Chernobros by accident. I’ll Bet they would cry,too.

3:27 pm December, 14 Vin Douchal said...

Not available on Canadian YouTube:
.

3:39 pm December, 14 tall guy said...

Man, BROTHABAG LEON’s fungus is eclipsed solely by Douche Springsteen’s painstakingly accurate observations of what happens when nature collides with nurture. Are those whiskers painted on? Jeebus! Nice going, DS. Highly polished clinical study. We’ve now reached that point on the evolutionary time line that tells us we’re all born to fucking run.

3:41 pm December, 14 Wedgie said...

^Fuccen Canadians. Now you all know the code.

3:42 pm December, 14 Wedgie said...

Cocckbloccked by Tall Kiwi Guy. And the All Blacks.

3:46 pm December, 14 Medusa Oblongata said...

Shit, I’ve watched Mr. B. shave several times. He leaves the carefully tended Frank Zappa in place and loses the rest. As he is an off-the boat Italian, I can tell you, it’s like shaving a rottweiler. Anyway, I can’t even imagine the skill it takes to do up one’s face like Brothabag. And I’m sure he gets it professionally done. Still, anyone who would want that is a huge fucking douchebucket. And his odes to the ladies and his insistence that he’s straight make me wonder if we should add a “Gayest Gheybag” category.
.
Your dead fags

3:46 pm December, 14 troy tempest said...

so often it seems the hott chicks run with fascist dickwads. well, not all of ’em do.

http://hotchicksofoccupywallstreet.tumblr.com/

3:49 pm December, 14 troy tempest said...

And brothabag leon’s facial fung? I dunno. I think he passed out drunk the night before on someone’s sofa, and then some chick from art school figured – “How can I make Leon look like even more of a turdle than he already is?”
.
And then she saw the sharpie marker on the desk…

4:01 pm December, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

The only acceptable beard is the neck beard. Nice take down D. Springsteen. Where’s your E Street band at? Hey DJ Rev, can we get some of The Boss up in this thing.

4:05 pm December, 14 CB Popped said...

I hadn’t seen Brothabag Leon before, holy shit.

Yeah, he wins-loses.

Nice DeucheSpringsteen. This couldn’t have been easy.

– and that Ferret does indeed look “Ferret – like”.

^Vin, Michael Winslow doing “Bonham – type drum reverb” with his voice was nuts. Tks.

5:15 pm December, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Just got back from my Dad’s house, notice that I capitalize Dad, respect. I think he’s getting fucking Alzheimer’s starting to tell me the same story two days in a row. What’s my point? Oh ya, Vin’s thing was cool and I don’t know what SoCal Wedgie is talking about the Code. And my Dad keeps telling me the same story two days in a row.
.
@Nancy
.
Lucky for you I had prearranged a Clarence Clemons memorial of ‘Jungleland, but I forgot about it or something.
.
One time I saw a really stoned stripper dancing to this song. Live from New York, Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce Springstein.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VZuNaWw4cs&feature=related

5:33 pm December, 14 Wedgie said...

We call the brothabags Canadians. You get punched less.
And your Dad doesn’t have Alzie’s, Rev. He’s just been sparking fatties all day. Wonder where he learned that?

8:19 pm December, 14 Douche Springsteen said...

@ Rev. Chad,

I (sort of) fondly remember that night in Camden. I have a burn mark scar on my thigh from when I took Adrianna LaCervix out to my t-top Camaro for a quick bj after feeding her a half dozen SoCo shooters and a few key bumps of rodeo clown cocaine and she forgot to take the Newport 100 out of her mouth before getting down to business. This song was on my bitchin car stereo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCyZuW_tNhM

Q. What’s the difference between Jersey girls and the trash?
A. The trash gets picked up off the curb once a week.

8:46 pm December, 14 Champagne Katie's Press Agent's Clippings Service said...

Our hopes are fading for Champagne Katie, Et Tu. Such a perfect end to the year that would be. Comeback storyline. Geez, a girl sends ONE drunken text… H8ers gonna H8.
But much love to tha Brothabags.

8:48 pm December, 14 Champagne Katie's Press Agent's Clippings Service said...

Oh, and even her sister chimed in on her Facebook page. They think this is awesome. Sigh.

9:09 pm December, 14 Wedgie said...

Vin
I once ate a stripper named Diamond. Does that count?

7:09 am December, 15 Hurl Scheibe said...

Does it get any douchier than Brothabag Leon?

He is THE Pompitous of Love. In his own words:

Please pray for me. I had a check up today and I tested positive for SEXY. Im allergic to HATERS, My blood type is ROCKSTAR & the doctor said “THIS IS WHY IM HOT” IF U SCOPING MY PAGE, REQUEST ME, TOP FRIEND ME, AND ENJOY” NO GAY REQUESTS I LOVE STRICTLY WOMEN”

2:00 am December, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Brothabag Leon displays that tell-tale sign of ball-shrinking from too many injected or ingested steroids: teeny testosterone equals teensy beard, necessitating tatted replacement in the form of swirls and/or paisley.
If he did the groin-shave….ai-yi-yi…

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