Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Douchiest Hand Gesture: He Is Not the Greatest


tall guy hands out the award:

—–
How do we measure Douchiest Hand Gesture? A self-branding logo that bears no real substance or purpose save the bright, sharp dazzle similar to a fluorescent light? An unburdening of what passes for the douche soul that occupies the duel worlds of sneer and showmanship? An empty gesture inherently found in all grade-A level douchxploitation?

The answer to this delicate question can only come from us because the douche, who takes refuge in cliche, is not good at honest self-description. Therefore, while It fulfills some atavistic longing in its own right, no authority more useful and necessary can be granted to those appointed to answer this question.

However if the dog standing beside him is anything to go by, case study # 1 “Markie” from last March raises (lowers) his particular level of ineptness to new depths of animal cruelty. Thank you, Markie, for you have done your bit. We spectators marvel at the spectacle of your shirtless tie move. Now please return to tearing wings off butterflies.

Throughout 2011 the group shot was widely contested with superb (dreadful) candidates representing every month of the calendar in various conditions of companionable insobriety. In an effort to demonstrate the things that matter in his world, while establishing a douche presence via a staggeringly high number of regrettable breaches far beyond anything that is honest and considered, our second case study King DH has a message.

Case study # 3 Busher Von Chin appears to be getting a little too carried away with his asking-to-be-counted-in raised finger move (with black varnished pinkie).

At the top of the greasy totem pole sits our winner (loser). Who by combining his patented ringed forefinger, thought provoking detachment gesture with (ir-)relevant hat prop and shirt of lurid pink underneath the shiny black Gortex vest brings an emperor Tiberius feel to the category with a hard-hitting passion – or (self-) loathing – that practically screams, ‘let them hate me as long as they fear me’.

So my fellow mockers, I, tall guy, humbly offer you my selection for Douchiest Hand Gesture of 2011 – He’s Not The Greatest (because he’s not…)
——

# posted by douchebag1
6:46 am December, 6 Douchble Helix said...

While not relevant to the trophy winner, Danica deserves points for her own idiotic shirt.
.
Busher snorting the shoe was a tough ‘bag to beat. Great category. Worthy (worthless?) Champion!

7:13 am December, 6 DarkSock said...

Excellent choice, Tall Guy; his hand should be severed and mounted on your wall.
.
I like this douchebag because he is conveniently showing us all where to hurl the trash can.

7:16 am December, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Salty tears. Great archival work Tall Guy. You’re pretty smart for a New Zealander. And with that, the final performance of ELO before we get really down and dirty.
.
There’s gonna be a showdown. In Rosie Vela’s pants.
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJvNp9sqsNs

7:19 am December, 6 Douchble Helix said...

Rev, are you tagging all the strippers like the other DJ’s do?

7:37 am December, 6 Wedgie said...

Rev, I never thought I’d see a guy who likes Rosie more than me. Congrats on that.
Great choice by Tall Guy, and I for one am glad this douche hid his face. I’m already having trouble sleeping after yesterday’s abominations.

7:37 am December, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^23 years ago I was. Son. I think I have to get sober DH. The Mrs. wants me to finish my PHd and get out of the house. Fuck. fucking fuck fuck.

7:47 am December, 6 hermit said...

Somewhere deep in Muhammad Ali’s Parkinson’s afflicted mind a tear is shed.

7:57 am December, 6 CB Popped said...

The ELO was an exellent choice – 8:34 of perfect music, and hotts in the band no less. Tks Rev.

The fact He’s Not The Greatest doesn’t even need to show us his face, and still win the yearly is quite worthy.

Well done.

7:58 am December, 6 Mandouchian Candidate said...

I love when pregnant chicks are easy enough on their unborn child to swill budlight when they are searching for someone to raise the experiment gone wrong.

*
Stillborns

8:50 am December, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

He went from pointing at her boobs to pointing at his hat. Progress?
.
Great choice guy from down under there. Zero references to lonely single ladies longing for flowers and the tall guy bone, FTW. Well done.
.
I’m diggin DJ Revvy Chad on the turnrables. Woooo! DJs!

8:55 am December, 6 DarkSock said...

“Tall Guy Bone” = good band name.
.
Moshers.

9:03 am December, 6 Vin Douchal said...

He’s the greatest at finding belts, jewelry and head wear at the 99¢ Store. What a fuccen phoney. Tall Guy nailed it.
.
At Rev Chadwick:
.
I’ve become a Grace Potter fan. Not her pop stuff but cool stuff like this:
.

.
.
I love the way her lips stick to the microphone. She has gone super blonde now, trying to appeal to the masses.

9:04 am December, 6 Vin Douchal said...

SHIT ! NOT that one, that’s her pop stuff. I meant this:

.
.
Fuccen stoopid no delete key having website. DOn’t watch that first one, it’s awful

9:28 am December, 6 Douchble Helix said...

So, Rev… you’re kinda like Swayze from Roadhouse?
Why’d you stop bankin’ the strippers? If I was in your shoes, I’d do it ’til my dick fell off. Except that the coke works against that.

10:07 am December, 6 tall guy said...

Thank you everyone for the encouragement. I’m not sure if my sub was edited or if I sent an earlier draft in by mistake but some of my entry is missing. No problem though, or ‘no worries’ as we say out here. It’s such an honour to be amongst fully fledged mockers, but to be sure I’ve c&p’d my intended writings for your perusal:
How do we measure Douchiest Hand Gesture? A self-branding logo that bears no real substance or purpose save the bright, sharp dazzle similar to a fluorescent light? An unburdening of what passes for the douche soul that occupies the duel worlds of sneer and showmanship? An empty gesture inherently found in all grade-A level douchxploitation? The answer to this delicate question can only come from us because the douche, who takes refuge in cliche, is not good at honest self-description. Therefore, while It fulfills some atavistic longing in its own right, no authority more useful and necessary can be granted to those appointed to answer.

The principle opponents share the same phoniness and embarrassing tactics. However if the dog standing beside him is anything to go by, case study # 1 “Markie” from last March raises (lowers) his particular level of ineptness to new depths of animal cruelty. Thank you, Markie, for you have done your bit. We spectators marvel at the spectacle of your shirtless tie move. Now please return to tearing wings off butterflies. Throughout 2011 the group shot was widely contested with superb (dreadful) candidates representing every month of the calendar in various conditions of companionable insobriety. In an effort to demonstrate the things that matter in his world, while establishing a douche presence via a staggeringly high number of regrettable breaches far beyond anything that is honest and considered, our second case study King DH has a message. Thank you, your (hapless, tired and emotional) highness. You’re an unashamed go-getter. Keep pushing forward (backwards). Just remember while you are, to some extent, always on trial there exists in this world many opportunities for your self-improvement (indulgence). Case study # 3 Busher Von Chin appears to be getting a little too carried away with his asking-to-be-counted-in raised finger move. Witness fear, fellow mockers, bound by the knowledge that sacrificing youth, health, marriage and certainly (if theologians are to be believed) immortal soul just to be a sentimental old cloakroom attendant is no substitute for quality of life. He does look the serious player, though, but in common with all our case studies impending triumph eluded him and he snatched defeat from the jaws of victory with a weak-arse gesture.

At the top of the greasy totem pole sits our winner (loser). Who by combining his patented ringed forefinger, thought provoking gesture with (ir-)relevant hat prop and shirt of lurid pink underneath the shiny black Gortex vest brings an emperor Tiberius feel to the category with a hard-hitting passion – or (self-) loathing – that practically screams, ‘let them hate me as long as they fear me’. While visually a defenseless lightweight he nevertheless invokes the very essence of what it means to be douche with shameless vulgarity. Not for him the conventional approach to life. Here is the man (boy) who doesn’t care how much he offends those who try to make themselves loved. For love, as we the authority understand, is held by the tie of obligation, which, because the douche in general is a sorry breed, is broken on every whisper of private interest. So fellow mockers I humbly offer you my selection for Douchiest Hand Gesture of 2011 He’s Not The Greatest (because he’s not…)

Thank you,

– tall guy.

10:47 am December, 6 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

The front of his underwear reads “This is the Greatest”. He has a sign scrawled in scribbly crayong on his mirror that reads “Yu r teh greatest”. Another hand written sign is on his fridge which reads ‘Hoo is the greatest? U R!”
.
Nice work tall guy.

11:20 am December, 6 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Kudos to Tall Guy. True justice would be if the next photo of this douche featured a mean, AIDS infected death row inmate forcing that pointed hand up his ass.
.
I think my 7th grade gym teacher molested me whilst ELO’s “Eldorado, A Symphony,” played in the background.

12:01 pm December, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Vin
.
That second song was MUCH better than the first (I missed the warning). It had nothing to do with her though. That band was fuccen awesome. Even if I was playing the trumpet.
.
Little known fact: Doc Bunsen can rock out on the rhythm trumpet. Totally serious. I was a band geek in high school.

12:05 pm December, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

He is too the greatest. The greatest annoyance I’ve encountered today besides being out of Sensodyne.

1:02 pm December, 6 hermit said...

^Nyquil® is a decent substitute for tooth paste in a pinch.

1:48 pm December, 6 Hurl Scheibe said...

@ Vin – Have you ever seen GP & The Nocturnals? Ever taken a good long gander at her bass player, Catherine Popper?

For my money, Cat puts the emission in GP & The Nocturnals.

http://chickswithguitars.tumblr.com/post/109219698/via-catherine-popper-formerly-of-the

The added bonus is she used to be in Ryan Adam’s Cardinals.

1:55 pm December, 6 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Were Muhammad Ali not so twisted up with Parkinsons he would take one look at this pretender to the title “The Greatest” and he’d first knock that hat off of his smug, empty head and then give him the bare knuckle beating to end all beatings. Ali would pound him so severely that when he was done with him he’d cut open his feet and all that was inside of him would pour it in a continous stream of liquified dick snuggler. He’d then slit him open nuts to neck, stretch him using the ancient pelt curing techniques of the Cherokee nation, sew a feather boa down the length of what was once his beer swollen belly, and wear him as a robe for his next championship fight.
.
Because HE’S the Greatest and there will never be another.

3:18 pm December, 6 idfma said...

Perfect selection, Tall Guy. The plastic parkavest and pink shirt seal the deal. Strong work, my man, strong work.

5:07 pm December, 7 Nostradouchus said...

Is there also a “Stupidest Pink Shirt” award? If so, we found a winner.

Leave a Reply