Thursday, December 15, 2011

Herpiest Herpster: The Herpster

Named after our initial tagging of the subspawn of Hipsterbag and Douchester, The Herpster brings all the conflated signifiers into semiotic entanglement.

Not to mention the hottness of Librarian Laura.

So let this brand new Douchie Award category go to the innovator who started it all. And led to atrocities like:

Herpster Frank
Dirty Harry
Superherpster
Herpster Melvin
Herpster Steve
Herpster Henry and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious

A well deserved 2011 Douchie Award for tuxedo crotch, irono-glasses, and douchetatt. And let us all hang our heads in collective shame for this mutant hybrid spawnal development.

# posted by douchebag1
12:54 pm December, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Semetic librarian hott with zionglasses FTW. Speedo formalwear for society’s last labored death rattle.

12:57 pm December, 15 Wheezer said...

One of the above links led to the “Herpster” category, so I took a quick scroll down when LO AND BEHOLD! I think I noticed something…..you help me judge this:
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Is “Herman Herpster” also…..
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(wait for it)
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Gunny“?
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We all like peas.
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1:06 pm December, 15 Bag A said...

After seeing the Herpster Frank pic, I sincerely hope there’s a “Best Sideboob” Douchie for 2011.

1:09 pm December, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Who else?
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Fitting that this Irish herpster pops up at the same time we travel back in time to a more innocent age when a douchebag from the Emerald Isle performed the largest ass licking bend over that could never be mocked, but mocked it was. A nation of sages replete with the grief of a national tragedy sucked this one up without puking because it was 2012, and they were One.
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Live from a past Superbowl in which I believe the Patriots won. The Dubliners, U2. Cringes.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp08ouOwiqQ

1:12 pm December, 15 Wedgie said...

You know, having reviewed the “Lesbian In Drag” category, and just now having reviewed the dregs of society forming this category, it occurs to me why the Douchies are often so painful to witness. It’s like being locked in a room with a bunch of 300 pound football players who just ate the carne asada special at Santana’s. Maybe one at a time you could deal with it, but all at once like this; you have no chance.
I wonder if perhaps we are doing some permanent damage to both our optic nerves and our psyches.
Perhaps more pear is the antidote. And I believe Vin Douchal is the official ambassador or pear around here. Thus, he may be inclined to provide some links, and soon.

1:14 pm December, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

My apologies.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq08ouOwiqQ

1:14 pm December, 15 The Dude said...

As the presenter of the 2011 Hottest Librarian Hott, I wish to submit my formal apology for not mentioning Laura.
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Megan got to me first, which is to say “sealed the deal”.

1:19 pm December, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Bag A,
I like how you think I thought the same thing so much that I didn’t bother even looking at the rest of the contestants. If there isn’t a Douchie for “Best Side Boob Reveal” then I propose that category be added to next years awards ceremony.

1:28 pm December, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Rev, Angel of Harlem is good too. Man that drummer. He was the quiet one, but you know he pulled the hotts.
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@The Dude. Apology accepted Librarian Lauras often go unnoticed for looong periods of time. Medical fact.
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Jeremy’s Ironies

1:32 pm December, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

And tuxedo Speedo is only cool if its covered by a Members Only jacket.

1:39 pm December, 15 Stephanie said...

Run over this guy already! Take the world’s pain away.

1:43 pm December, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Wedgie brings up a good point. After seeing so much visual pollution here for these esteemed pronouncements of poo and societal dregs , even the Globes and hottest hotts don’t help as much as a well placed ass pear
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or two
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… to wash the images from your memory. Herpsters suck. They’re worse than meathead ‘roid abusers and shirtless club dwelling assholes . And they most likely smell real bad

2:48 pm December, 15 Hermit said...

The product of a botched partial-birth abortion, The Herpster’s tale is not a pretty one. His NyQuil- addicted birth mother fired him off the back of a speeding Chevy Lumina in an effort to dislodge his deviated septum. He was found three days later scraping marmot ejaculate from the bottom of a Salvation Army kettle in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
He spent his post-doctorate education in China where he was caught painting iconoclastic slogans on the Portrait of Ho Chi Minh in a Beijing subway station. Nonetheless he was adopted by blindfolded Buddhist monks who taught him how to smoke non-filtered cigarettes through his eye sockets. He became a street performer and lived off the pocket change passersby would throw into his semen-stiffened tube socks as he displayed his talents outside of the Hong Kong, Negro League Baseball Stadium.
Herpster lived on lima beans and pan-fried penguin livers until he saved enough coin to apply for a return visa from The State Department. He tried desperately to return home, even enlisting the help of Hillary Clinton who was sent to the US embassy in an effort to cleanse the fungal growth from beneath her withered tit-flaps. She was in no condition to help, as she spent the majority of her stay shitting egg noodles through her inflamed rectal polyps into the decorative, formal koi pond located in the tourist-restricted red light district just north of Tiananmen Square.

4:07 pm December, 15 Medusa Oblongata said...

In honor of this category, I’ll be setting off a dirty bomb at the intersection of Damen, North and Milwaukee. Some of you know what I’m talking about.
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Hope that link works. I punched out the monitor at 1:21. All she needs is a “Your swagger sucks” T-shirt. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT!!!!!!!!!!!

4:08 pm December, 15 Medusa Oblongata said...

Make that 1:27. I’m having trouble typing with this bleeding, mangled hand.

4:10 pm December, 15 Medusa Oblongata said...

Never mind, I was right the first time. The blood loss is making it hard to see. i’m gonna go lay down now.

1:40 am December, 16 Whoop-di-douche said...

Even my black and white tuxedo cat is insulted by this herp’s tuxedo crotch. Given the chance, I’m sure he’d scratch around in that flower garden of a chest tatt and
leave his scat.

5:23 am December, 16 CB Popped said...

Yeah Hermit – no doubt Herpster was found scraping Marmot semen off a pot on teh Salvation Army parking lot.

lol FTW

Herp’s empty stare is one of the yeras best by far.

I find his hair style confusing in the big picture. Just doesnt go with his douchness, but certainly adds to it.

9:47 am December, 16 Hurl Scheibe said...

Semiotic or sigmoidal entanglement?

3:29 pm December, 18 douche equis said...

As with the award-eponymous Eurobag before him, it’s difficult to see how someone called The Herpster could have failed to win this award. Congratulations I guess. Laura — call me?

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