Monday, December 5, 2011

Hottest Girl Next Door Hott: Hottie Heather

douche equis hands out the award:
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The Hottest Girl Next Door Hott award carries with it a tremendous burden of tradition. Not because the award itself has such a long history, but because the very notion of the Girl Next Door is redolent with the aroma of Norman Rockwell, sad partings before going off to war, sundaes at the soda fountain, and necking at the drive-in.. It is an award wreathed in Americana, and as such it is appropriate that I, the house Republican, be the one to give it away.

The defining characteristics of the Girl Next Door read like a catalog of the idealized American Girl of yore. A certain innocence. The glow of health. Soft, tender skin. Long hair. Brunette (because I say so). The sense that, behind the barely perceptible Mayan Eye of Coitus, there lurks a seething erotic fervor.

And somewhere within it all the idea that yes, you, the Boy Next Door, might have a chance with her – a consummation devoutly to be wished, and indeed lingeringly longed for during languid, lonely nights of teenage male, er, introspection.

Though the general success rate of said lonely males with the Girl Next Door might reach the low teens of percent, it is those successes that a fellow looks back upon with a certain wistful pleasure; those fumbling, exciting, secret encounters that made every breath, at the time, seem to last forever, but now appear as some of the few fleeting instants of true feeling amid a life’s worth of experience.

It is with a nostalgic sigh, and not in the slightest bit because she looks exactly like Katie C., whose manual manipulations provided so much that a young man needed at the time that he needed it most, that I give the award for Hottest Girl Next Door Hott to Hottie Heather. Her suave ability to ignore the revolting attentions of Mr. Hawk and give me “the look” lets me know that she really likes me – I think – and if only I could get up the courage to ask her out I just know we’d have a lot of fun together.

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# posted by douchebag1
4:11 pm December, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

Linda wuz robbed. But excellent write up Mr. Equis. Oh to be introspected about. Must be nice.

4:15 pm December, 5 tall guy said...

Tops! douche equis, you took us out there and brought us safely back to mock another day. Well done you.

4:22 pm December, 5 Ted Brogan said...

Well that settles it.
I’m gonna go inside, fire up the computer, and rub one out.
Pop a coldie, and then rub a second, smaller one out.
If I have enough.

4:25 pm December, 5 Wedgie said...

Great choice; she’s a cutie. And manages a genuine-looking smile with a turd attacking her face. Not an easy thing to do, just ask Herman Cain.

4:30 pm December, 5 Vin Douchal said...

Gotta say, good call old chap. However Sharona with the Turtle spazz had me seriously thinking about spending some time trolling the internet to find her for more photos to fwap to, errr…… I mean see what she looks like on other occassions.
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BTW, if Hunters ever have a big meet up thing I hope everyone is kind enough to use hand sanitizer. Just sayin’

4:33 pm December, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Vin, I propose we all wear Hazmat suits. You can never be too careful.

4:34 pm December, 5 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Bravo for Hottie Heather!
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Enosiophobes

6:33 pm December, 5 troy tempest said...

She makes my final voluntary sphincter loose control and start singing “show me the way” by peter frampton. This is especially hard to do after eating peas, because they get caught up.
^^^^^^^^fart joke.
so, my penis says hello. His name is Larry. His name is Larry. He has a grandfather. His name is grandfather…

7:22 pm December, 5 CB Popped said...

Nice write up Douche Equis. Good examples too.

8:26 pm December, 5 DarkSock said...

Douche Equis, that was a really heart-felt and engaging write-up. I felt as if your hand was also on my weenus as I thrashed my ham-bat into a yogurt-vomit.
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What?
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Damn fine write-up.
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Gore Vidals.

8:29 pm December, 5 DarkSock said...

And damned fine choice of Leelee-Sobieski-in-her-prime,
WGGRR
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or Helen Hunt, but NOT present-day:
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qrt
Crypt-Keepers.

8:49 pm December, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Troy–I see what you did there. Heard that at work for the first time and I had to stop the tattoo because I was about to piss myself laughing.
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That being said, I wasn’t all that convinced by the photo, but the write-up sold me. Fine work, Mr. Equis!

11:23 pm December, 5 idfma said...

Excellent choice and excellent writeup-DE. Thank you thank you thank you for the multiple examples!

4:32 am December, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I still like Patty with the Smarm but this is a solid choice. And by solid I mean I just laid a two-foot coiler so it’s going to be a great day and I have the Douchies to thank for having something to do while the punks are home spreading lady-germs around.
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Douche Equis doesn’t always pick girl next door hotts of the year, but when he does he picks wisely. Stay stoned my friend.
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And into the second day we still have the genius and his muse with us for your listening pleasure.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8sr74iCjyA&NR=1&feature=related

7:47 am December, 6 boatbutter said...

Glad to see the old-timers still gettin’ it done! I’ve been missing Friday haikus for some time now. Hope to be a regular contributor again.

8:07 am December, 6 DarkSock said...

Welcome back, BB! Good to see you back, dude!
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Crucial, Douche Vader and Captain Bringdown need to follow you on back here. Even Plinky, unless his Mom’s with him. She’s so fat she’d crash the internet.

12:00 pm December, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

Boatbutter! Come and butter my boat. rrrowrrrr! Good to see you over here again!

1:41 pm December, 6 Hurl Scheibe said...

The Brunette, a/k/a Sharona could easily win for the most epic female GSR.

6:47 pm December, 6 wonderdouche twin said...

I agree Hurl, Sharona has got it going on even with GSR, which I think is a good thing.

12:51 pm December, 8 douche equis said...

🙂
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As for epic GSRs, well . . .
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12:54 pm December, 8 douche equis said...

well, my image didn’t work, that’s what. I may be too HTML-dumb for this. But one more try.
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12:55 pm December, 8 douche equis said...

I give up.

12:56 pm December, 8 douche equis said...

http://images.amazon.com/images/G/01/richmedia/images/cover.gif . . . you’ll have to do it yourself, or some nice person can work it into a comment, which I am evidently incapable of doing. Doubtless this is because of my excitement about the premiere of the Black Dynamite Animated Series exactly seven months from today. Yeah, that’s it . . .

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