Friday, December 9, 2011

Most Euro Eurobag: Dieter Von Choaalsmark

The Reverend Chad Kroeger hands out the award:

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Like the festering drippings of summer sausage from Angela Merkel’s soiled panties while she is called again to Brussels to save the PIGS at a luncheon of ouzo-swilling octopus-eating pantywastes. Or the soul-numbing techno beat pounding at a corner pub of Chinese leather and chain wearing zombies reeking of limberger and duck confit in Marseilles.

To the bondage ghettos of Austria filled with torture machines and fisting men under the control of vaseline-weilding raven-haired doms named Gretchen feeding them dog faeces as they beg for another schnitzel enema while another Friday afternoon fills up with Vienna sausage fresh out of Seville Row business suits.

And the youth rise up against the Eurozone and austerity like a mob of ham-fisted teens at a Morissey show and enrage me with the memories of how rotten Europe is. Filled with unwashed entitleds waiting for pensions, free health care, and death.

Nietzsche wishes that Deiter Von Choaalsmark never existed and that is why he is the Most Euro Eurobag. His tight Aryan sweater with the square pseudo-intellectual glasses and earrings and that f#cking smirk fill me with rage as much as his accomplice fills my balls and make me yearn for a good spanking. And the neo-nazis rage against Zion with the vitriol of a hundred years and empty promises of post-Cold War rhetoric.

Bringin up the rear. And by rear I mean used crotchless man chaps with studs are Jan Lärggmän Watches, Sven Counts to Two, and Greasy Ramon for the greasy fail of the Euro.
——–

# posted by douchebag1
6:38 am December, 9 Nostradouchus said...

Dr. Frankendouche.

6:50 am December, 9 Douche Springsteen said...

Rev. Chad, you had me at “Like the festering drippings of summer sausage from Angela Merkel’s soiled panties “. Bravo.

6:50 am December, 9 hermit said...

Epic rant.

6:55 am December, 9 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Limburger and duck confit is a highly underrated dish in the pantheon of Escoffier’s creations.
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It’s right up (down) there with bouillabaisse crepes fourees aux brouilles au Parmesan smothered in pancetta and Pecorino Romano.
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And who doesn’t like a good schnitzel enema once in a while?

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.With good, pasture-raised veal of course.
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.Chicken is so declasse.
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Robuchons

7:07 am December, 9 Wedgie said...

You know you nailed it when your choice could win in multiple categories. I thought this guy would contend for Trashcan to the Head, and I considered both of them for possible Lesbian in Drag.
Which turned out to be a very crowded category, BTW.
DJ RR, doing a great job. You sort of fucced yourself on this, because now every year we all expect a soundtrack for the Douchies. Think of it as job security. You accept Drachmas, right?

7:21 am December, 9 icame isaw idouched said...

I am in deep awe you Rev! The imagery is awesome.

7:33 am December, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

I expected nothing less when it was revealed that the Rev would be handling this category. That was some good stuff and by good stuff I mean well said.

7:37 am December, 9 RAPETIME said...

Great pick. Which one is which?

7:42 am December, 9 Mandouchian Candidate said...

Now izzhhh the time on Shhhhhprockets ven ve dansshhhh. Fuckin Eurobags…

7:55 am December, 9 Hurl Scheibe said...

Awesome award, especially the part about Gretchen!! This must be what Johnny Yen was going on about in Iggy Pop’s Lust For Life.

Gotta hand it to Deiter and his German resourcefulness. His shirt reminds him that KY goes on the B-hole before Fisting sessions.

8:03 am December, 9 DarkSock said...

Thank you, Reverend and by thank you i mean fuck you for making me mad again.
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I can’t STAND those fucking UGOFF hipster glasses…
wgt
Ugoffs…
WER

8:09 am December, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

“Holy Sheet!” Mr. Biscotti exclaimed as he looked at my monitor. “Wot is dat—Ah, most-a Euro Eurobag. Holee sheet, I know so many-a dem guys over dere.” Oh, I know, Mr. B., I know. The douchey Ignacio in Taormina who followed me around the piazza repeating the fact that he was only going to be in town for one more day, until I finally turned around and told him, “I’m not fucking you, you hybrid greaseball shitbag, leave me alone!” Lino, who pressed his knee against mine at the restaurant, leaned in close and murmured, “You know, if you need-a help weeth your Eye-talian, you can come over and I can help you.” Might I add that Mr. B. was sitting on the other side of me. The Eurobag is a special breed of its own, lacking in shame and ten times the grease and presumption of ours. There were two awards I was especially awaiting, merely on the basis of the presenters. Rev. Chad, you made it worth the wait.

8:10 am December, 9 Medusa Oblongata said...

Gretchen is currently apprenticing at The Playpen.

8:39 am December, 9 Vin Douchal said...

Deiter Von Choaalsmark expression is the one you make when you open a yogurt that’s six months past the expiration date just to check if it’s still okay . Kind of like, “Yuck, but I knew that”
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He’s an asshole, but eloquently called one by The Rev. I would have just gone with ,”He’s an asshole”.<br.
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She looks like Heidi Fleiss fucked Pat Benetar in Joan River’s plastic sugeon’s office .

9:18 am December, 9 Champagne Katie's Houseboy's Drycleaner said...

That’s Savile Row, dammit. Bought a 3-piece suit there once. It fit poorly.

Europe has just given up, hasn’t it?

9:22 am December, 9 Jacques Doucheteau said...

You had me at “schnitzel enema”.
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That was beautiful.

9:38 am December, 9 Troy Tempest said...

Selbstbewusstsein, die bewusst als die Realität ist, hat ihren Zweck in sich selbst, sondern ein Objekt, das auf den ersten, lediglich seine eigene (für sich), und ist noch nicht in der tatsächlichen Existenz. Existence steht im Gegensatz zu als andere Wirklichkeit als seine eigene, und das Ziel des Selbstbewußtseins besteht in der Durchführung, was es ist “für sich”, so dass sich als weiteres unabhängiges Wesen zu sehen. Dieses erste Ziel ist es, bewusst geworden, in dem anderen Selbst-Bewusstsein, der sich selbst als Individuum, dass dieses andere in sich selbst drehen. Er hat die Gewissheit, dass diese andere bereits im Wesentlichen selber.

Soweit es aus aus der Substanz der Sittlichkeit und der Ruhezustand des Denkens gestiegen und erreichte seine Unabhängigkeit bewusst, sie hat sich hinter das Gesetz der Sitte und der substantielle Existenz links, der Arten von Wissen durch Beobachtung erworben und dem Gebiet der Theorie; diese liegen hinter ihm, wie ein grauer Schatten, der nur verschwindend ist. Für letztere ist vielmehr ein Wissen von etwas, sind die unabhängige Existenz (Fürmichseyn) und Aktualität von denen andere als die des Selbstbewußtseins. Es ist nicht die scheinbar göttlichen Geist der Universalität in Wissen und Handeln, wobei (alle Einzel-) Gefühl und Genuss sind beruhigt, dass hat sich verabschiedet und füllt diese neue Stufe des Selbstbewußtseins, aber der Geist der Erde, ein Geist, der hält dass allein die wahre Wirklichkeit, die die Realität des individuellen Bewusstseins.

Es lehnt Sinn und Wissenschaft
Die höchsten Gaben besessen von Männern-
Es verfügt über mehr als zum Teufel,
Und muss o’erthrown werden

9:39 am December, 9 Troy Tempest said...

pussies

9:43 am December, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I really hated this guy. Wrote when I was just stoned so it wasn’t all long winded and shit. Easy category given that the fuckers don’t care if the whole shit goes down with them. Eurococks.
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Getting to the music late today cause I needed more booze after being up doing my DJ shit in the middle of the night. And great deal on frozen turkeys this morning at the shitty store near that place with the teenage pizza eating crackhead that sells blowies for weed.
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In honour of the PIIGS and zombies I present the first guest of the day from Buckthorn, Ontario by way of Ireland. The lovely screaming banshee who can make any syllable sound like two, the warbling pixie with the huge guitar and gold paint and the sense to get out of that collection of fuckholes across the pond. I think she’s cute anyway but I’m Irish too and I know for a fact that we both send money through the Irish Benevolent fund so nice men can buy C4. Live on the Paris stage. Take it away Dolores ya fucking terrorist.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZJHZLFCwjE
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9:48 am December, 9 hermit said...

^”…………wrote it when I was stoned………”
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Meaning: He wrote it when he was awake.

9:48 am December, 9 tall guy said...

Classic Kroeger, Kroeger. In fact, it’s more Kroeger Plus. While Sven is a mere runner up I, for one, am grateful Julie’s loveliness has, in whatever convoluted way, once again been acknowledged. Also, ‘And the youth rise up against the Eurozone and austerity like a mob of ham-fisted teens at a Morissey show’ is both an awe-inspiring and depressing comment on Berlin during the 80s. Whatever else remains to be said I cannot say, but I will add that DIETER VON CHOAALSMARK ought to immediately go forth and multiply, by which I don’t mean breed you pidgin-English mumbling sleaze bag. Well done you, Kroeger!

10:01 am December, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

You spelled feces wrong, but other than that good pick.

10:03 am December, 9 FlipFriddle said...

You sir, are a poet.

Preach on Brother.

Get some indeed!

10:11 am December, 9 The Dude said...

Dieter hås a poodle to lick his stroodle.
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He ahlso has gerbils.

10:58 am December, 9 Collaz B. Popped said...

I enjoyed the Euro bashing bc they do it to US all too often. I like Europe but every now and then they need a good old Western spanking, nice Rev. Chad.

This chick, Gretchen is all kinds of kinky Fwap hott.

11:30 am December, 9 tall guy said...

I thought the sequence of write ups would follow the natural conclusion of Dreuche’s beneath Kroeger’s. Jeebus, wasn’t I wrong.
Gotta get amongst the day, fellow ‘Bagsters. Enjoy the weekend. I look forward to reading more of your hilarity.

11:52 am December, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, stop putting me under Kroeger in your sick fantasies. If anything I would be on top.

12:11 pm December, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

Hermit @ 9:48AM FTW and Rev Keep on keeping on man. Dolores (Rhymes with?) O’Riordan’s voice gives me wood.

1:33 pm December, 9 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Well said, well put. Now, let’s drink!
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Imbibers

2:22 pm December, 9 Stephanie said...

Designer shit bag is a slave to fashion. Good luck with that.

2:42 pm December, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Well played sir, well played. However, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back to my beloved Munchen and eat. Not unless I got to fuccen U.S. fast “food” places.

12:40 am December, 10 Whoop-di-douche said...

Gotta hand it to Dieter for wearing a KY Jelly logo on his shirt like that.
We at least know he is on the slippery slope between intellectual and little green man.
Troy, quit showing off in all that German.
Rev Chad, would you also lead us in prayers?
Thanks.

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