Monday, December 12, 2011

The Yellowtail: Morty

Mandouchian Candidate hands out the 2011 Douchie Award for “The Yellowtail,” aka The Oldbag:

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In my humble opinion, in spite of fierce, grey balled competition, there is one true winner in the game of Oldbag. Morty.

We don’t even have to elaborate on Morty by calling him by more than one name. Morty is kind of like when you are banging a hot Masseuse and she has super annoying kid who is always up in your business. Except he’s not her kid. He’s her grandpa. And he wants to hang out and bang all of his grandaughters friends, or buy them enough beer to where they will at least make out with each other while he jerks off. It doesn’t get much better than Morty – it is that don’t take no for an answer attitude, even when incontinence and toe fungus make his odor unbearable, that has made Morty not only the top salesman at your local CarHop, but a VIP at Peter Dragon’s Massage Parlor.

Honorable Mention:

Old Man Liver, White Guy Willie, The Veiner Sausage, and Frank The RV Salesman.
——–

# posted by douchebag1
3:55 pm December, 12 Ted Brogan said...

The Veiner Sausage’s Tammi makes my pants tight. But Morty is definitely the correct choice here.

4:27 pm December, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Is purple dress squelching projectile vomiting? The 8 ring/4 necklace look is working, gramps. It is. I see , what, $78 worth of shit going on there….?

4:30 pm December, 12 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Why do all these women seem so happy in Morty’s presence?
.
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.He’s so ugly he makes Rondo Hatton look like Brad Pitt.
.
.
Must be the fliff.
.
.
.Nothin’ turns women on like a fistful of one dollar bills.
.
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I know. Just ask the girls at Little Darlings.
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.Good job Mandouch! You managed to make pathetic middle age funny!

4:40 pm December, 12 Wedgie said...

Purple dress looks ready for anything. I like Morty, he reminds me of my crazy uncle who never was quite right after the fall of Saigon. He wears a lot of bling and hangs out at strip clubs in Altoona.
You know, Pennsylvania has always been known as a hot spot for gentlemen’s clubs, in case you guys didn’t know it.

4:43 pm December, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I just know I am going to have a nightmare about Morty’s Yam Bag tonight, I just know it…

5:05 pm December, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

Yay for Mortdog, glad I’m working my sweet tail off to pay for Social Security Sex Club visits. Sooo glad. You’re worth it though Morty. You can knock em around just don’t knock em up. I don’t want to be stuck with that bill too.

5:43 pm December, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Good choice MD. Morty will never give up trying to be one of the kids at his pub. He wakes up everyday, goes downstairs to the bustling lunch crowd, takes half the cash out of the broken register that the college kids haven’t scammed yet from food sales and glad hands the crowd with one phrase, “How ’bout dem Patriots.”
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This song is a shout out to the kids that scam cash from Morty while he’s sleeping off the schnapps.
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Live from England by way of mutherfucking Virginia, the last band on the lineup for Metal Day, Lamb Of God.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHdopiRlgyA

5:44 pm December, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

I still bristle at his uncanny resemblance to the ex-Mr. Oblongata. Shave off the rest of his hair, grow out a ratty-ass old goatee and add another hundred pounds. Hey, I used to drink a lot, okay? Congrats, Morty. Somewhere there is an angry woman who’s pissed that you spend her money like this. I know your kind.

5:47 pm December, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Good choice, Rev. Chad. Had the pleasure to see them twice. I’m not a huge fan, but they put on a hell of a show.

6:32 pm December, 12 CB Popped said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpFNn_aYf88&feature=related

Always loved this tune, by the “Down” project featuring Phil Anselmo and Pepper Keenan. This song makes me want to do situps.

Viener Sausage was bringing strong game, but in the end there is only one Morty.

8:37 pm December, 12 troy tempest said...

The woman at left is reading the back of his T Shirt.

It says PUSSY.

8:46 pm December, 12 Wedgie said...

I like Metal Mondaze.
Even though my category succked the big gwangee, I did enjoy reading through the past year’s posts and recalling all the knuckleheads (and babes) that populate this site. There are some funny people writing in these threads, and more than a few that are obviously, well, less than balanced, shall we say.
But variety is the spice of life. Although, Wedgie likes some nice crushed red pepper flakes on just about everything. So onward we go. And fuck the Euro.

8:49 pm December, 12 Wedgie said...

PS: Sock, I want the Saints to beat the Cheesedicks in the NFC Championship. I’m sick of those pasty, no-shirt-wearin’- even-though-it’s-40-below bitches. And their fuccen IPO.

9:37 pm December, 12 Douchble Helix said...

Great job, MD! Tough duty selecting this trophy recipient. (I can’t use the word ‘Winner’.)
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That second picture is even more ‘Monty’, but it’s bereft of hot chick or QA/MEoC.

9:51 pm December, 12 Blah said...

Dollar store bling–check. Fanny pack–check. Cigarillo–check. Wal Mart T shirt–check. Pot belly–check. Morty’s like Honey Badger; he doesn’t care.

8:23 am December, 13 RAPETIME said...

Purple Dress is hiding her face.
So would I. Damn. He’s older than my dad, and I’m not young.

8:53 am December, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I hereby move to rename this category “Breakfast with Morty”. No matter who wins in future, Morty owns this category.

9:12 am December, 13 Charles Douchewin said...

Well chosen MC.

Despite the social loss that Morty represents, he reminds me that no one is ever a total waste – as they can always serve as a bad example.
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Morty is a particularly good choice, as not only is he a cautionary tale for young baglings and fratchoads, but he’s also an archetypical embodiment of the category.
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I agree with McCrudeshoes that perhaps Morty could become synonymous with the award. Maybe like the Ricky, The yellowtail can be – The Yellowtail, AKA The Morty.

5:45 pm December, 13 CB Popped said...

I second “The Morty” award,,,,he’s that strong.

Kid/Grandpa line had me smiling tks Mandouchian C.

9:23 pm December, 13 Nostradouchus said...

Should also get “Most likely to own an extensive child porn collection” award.

9:08 pm December, 14 douche equis said...

This year had primo oldbags: Creeepppptastic dude, Zebracrotch, Sir Ivan, Steve Rahr, etc. I’m not sure I would have picked Morty out of this strong field, but as someone heading for that age group I’m not sure I’m objective about it, either.

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