Sunday, January 29, 2012

American Scrotelick

An excerpt from Bret Easton Ellis’s latest novella, “American Scrotelick.”

# posted by douchebag1
8:18 am January, 29 Douchble Helix said...

The name of this site is Hot Chicks With Douchebags.

8:44 am January, 29 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Rich Boy = Able to afford autotune.

8:47 am January, 29 Wheezer said...

I saw this on “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” and vomited right around the 0:17 mark. I can’t imagine what happened to allow me to withstand that much of it. – “wheezerYT” on YouTube

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Oh yeah, that’s me. Sooooo, if we get a visit or two from some “hater haters,” it’s my fault. We’ll just have to show ‘em the door.

9:11 am January, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

She’s hot and all but lacks a certain booty shaking quality that I look for in a video ho. Please see the video from Esoteric Wednesday for details.

9:31 am January, 29 Doucheywallnuts said...

I lasted 20 seconds. Worse than the performance is that someone took credit for “producing” this pile of excrement. Welcome to America 2012 where any douchebag with a video camera and access to Autotune can grab his 3 minutes and 24 seconds of fame. Forget about actually contributing to society, ignore the signs of things collapsing all around us, and make a music video where you proclaim to be rich despite the fact your outfit is from the discount rack at Hot Property and your arm candy is more like arm carrion. I hope Jesse Hart gets stomach cancer.

9:37 am January, 29 scaradouche said...

On careful consideration, I believe this just might be brilliant douchemock and parody. Steel yourselves, and re-examine. He might be uber-scrote, but he just might be a comedic genius. And if he isn’t, well, God help us all.

9:50 am January, 29 tall guy said...

I made it to 1:26, which I considered a sterling effort.

Generally the middle classes are the most corrupt. This idiot confirms that truism. Pot bellied bleeth is quite rootable. Too bad the German didn’t look like her…

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Cake ceremony.

10:16 am January, 29 DarkSock said...

This is a handy video checklist of Narcissistic DoucheBaggery.

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His mother should abort him. With a claw hammer. Now. Then auger out her uterus with a dredger chain; it’s the only way to be sure.

10:32 am January, 29 Jesse Hart said...

SO I GUESS THIS MEANS WE CANT BE FRIENDS :(

HCWDB

10:40 am January, 29 douches Wild said...

This flaccid tomnoddy needs to be pelted with soft fecal effigies of Ayn Rand until he plotzes, then forced to repeat his flatliner “performance” wearing a brocade chicken suit. The greatest deficit harbored by this asshat is a sense of SHAME.

10:48 am January, 29 ALL DAY BABY said...

wow They should call this webiste Haterville

didn’t your slut moms ever teach you if you have nothing nice to say do not say it at all? or was she to busy sucking off your little dicks

11:37 am January, 29 Vin DOuchal said...

@ Jesse Hart, a Lou Pearlman discovery

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As the musical director of HCwDB ( per Db1’s annointment process which includes paddling by robed/masked monks, massive HoHo consumption, Alpaca husbandry, Haiku PhD studies and a To-The Death cage match with a Rabbi’s rabid honey badger) I will give you my honest review:

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My honest review begins with the fact that I lasted 1:56 into your presentation, a feat akin to having one’s toenails removed slowly with a needle nosed plyers, then having the removed nails shoved forcefully in your eyes by the dude that slices jalapenos in a restaurant . I was slightly amused by your waist up only dancing which proves you’re no Timberlake or Usher

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I was slightly amused by the line that includes having a date with a woman that will kiss another girl , a fantasy we all share, however the depths of cliche in the inane lyrics of this song reminds me of the banter of fourth graders trying to explain their entire knowledege of the sexual act during recess .

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There are moments of musicality however the popcorn synthesizer in the forefront of the music creates a fatigue factor to the listener that causes the mind to wander into a world where legally carrying a bazooka and being able to use it freely on person’s of your “creative” ilk would be in a word, awesome.

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It’s called a hook, it’s usually preceeded by a lift and it engages the listener to want more. Read up on it.

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As a lark, I looked up your music on MySpace ( feel free to do the same to my music) and your song “Your A Keeper” while grammatically murdering the english language, is not a bad tune.

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Your song “Borng in Brasil” , again spelled wrong, (c’mon man, proof read stuff or ask your 10 year old sister to help out) was not as I hoped, about oil drilling in South America but another simplistic melody about a girl BORN in Brasil.

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To keep this gentlemanly, let me say you’re an actor. Your genetic gifts have brought you to the big show to be on camera . Just because the 1.4 million pre-pubescent 12 year old girls that clicked your YouTube rub their bizsnatch wishing your junior high locker was next to theirs doesn’t make the above song any good. It just means you’ve found an audience with limited taste and exposure.

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Not begrudging your success as I believe if you’ve found an audience for your craft, that itself is success. And very much the hardest part. Again, it does not make you good, just popular.

11:40 am January, 29 Vin Douchal said...

BTW, is anyone watching this absolute slugfest between Nadal and Djokovic? Five sets going on six hours? Unreal

11:40 am January, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Jessie Hart, how do you ask out a lady you are interested in? Also how long does it take you to get to first base, second base so in and so forth. Er I mean, I like peen.

11:41 am January, 29 Fuckuhaterz said...

Anyone who hates on this is a jealous idiot who probably fucks his hand every night to the picture of his 300 pound grandmother! Expression of music is an art form it doesn’t matter who or what Is involved its about doing what you enjoy most! And none of you fags could probably EVER get a girl of that kind to even acknowledge your existence!!!!!!! So bathe in your bath of haterism and misery and try drinking some actright!!!!!

11:43 am January, 29 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Jessie Hart again, if you were to have sex with one member of NSYNC who would it be and why?

11:46 am January, 29 Vin Douchal said...

How about Djokovic’s girlfriend, Jelena Ristic? Steaming hott

11:52 am January, 29 Wedgie said...

I think the girl in the video is hot. I think we have seen many a video with this guy or one just like him already.

See: Pink Range

As for that definition of rich boy, all I know for sure from watching this vid is that he had the $250 for an hour in a limo.

So for certain, he’s at least a multihundredaire.

You go, Jesse Hart.

Love & Kisses,

Wedgie the Hatter

From Mom’s Basement

11:59 am January, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I’m not clicking the You Tube link to hate on this faggot. I’ll do it right here. If he’s set it up right he’s making about 3 cents a click and may be a $45,000aire. But I’m not gonna contribute to the fund which will run out next week when he hits the meth cause he has no talent. The model wouldn’t even kiss him.

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Save your money for the move to LA where your talent will be crushed like a George Lopez joke. That model or prostitute is a hot little fiesta though. She looks like she may have tiny nipples and huge areola with the nice dark pisser flaps.

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Son

11:59 am January, 29 Wedgie said...

^It was my good friend, T Mills. “I fucced this white girl, she got a pink range, etc.

How could I forget that lyrical mastery so soon?

12:02 pm January, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Hey Wedgie. Is it a drinkin or surfing day in bikini land.

12:06 pm January, 29 Wedgie said...

^Fuccen 70 and sunny; watch the Farmer’s Golf Tournament being played at Torrey Pines if you have any doubts. I can’t believe Indy gets the Stupid Bowl and we don’t. Unbelievable.

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BTW, I Googled the dicknose in thie video above, and the third link that popped up, right after his website and one other item, was a link titled “Is Jesse Hart Gay?”. I shit you not, fellow hunters. You just can’t make up stuff that’s plays as well as the truth.

12:41 pm January, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Trageocomic if intended seriously. Lacking any statement or punchline if it’s meant as parody. My best advise is for Hart to climb back into his mother’s womb and hope to be reborn as someone closer to mediocre.

1:04 pm January, 29 Wheezer said...

Gee, the choadwanks removed my comment from the YouTube page for this steaming pile. Why am I not surprised?

1:08 pm January, 29 Bomont said...

its promising that he knows sign language. This shows he might be Able to learn brail which in turn will help his efforts to pick up blind women. That just might be his only chance to procreate.

1:11 pm January, 29 Mr. White said...

It’s kind of sad when even the mighty Autotune can’t fix your adenoidal, pitchless voice.

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@vin

Let’s not insult fourth graders here. After all, this chicklet is younger than a fourth grader, but unlike Jesse, she actually entertained me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU6U-8LP1DY

TRAMPOLINE PIT!

1:31 pm January, 29 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Wedgie 11:52

I was thinking largely the same thing. Nothing screams “makin’ it rain” like two shirt changes against a white psych. Live the dream, boys.

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@ Fuckuhaterz 11:41

But what if what WE enjoy most is hating? There’s no question that some of us basement troglodytes have raised dickishness to the level of art. So by your own logic, you can’t hate the hater haters because hatt hating hatters hatty hatehatt. BOOM, BITCH! THAT JUST HAPPENED! ZEPPELIN!!!!!!!

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Did I just have a stroke?

1:38 pm January, 29 Baron Von Goolo said...

And yes, credit where credit is due, pooch-bellied video hott has much hotness. So much that I made it to the predictable air-spank at 3:17 before my chubby succumbed to the dry heaves.

1:47 pm January, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I just played that song for my old sleeping dog Bunny and she started to convulse like Demi Moore on a Nitrous Oxide bender.

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Son

2:38 pm January, 29 Wheezer said...

@ALL DAY BABY & Fuckuhaterz –

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Tebus, I hope this is one of the regs trolling. That’s good stuff, regardless.

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But the Boss should show he’s been “drinking some actright” when he awards Vin’s 11:37 a.m. review with Comment of the Week™…..

3:37 pm January, 29 Mr. Biggs said...

Ok wow. That wasn’t even ironic. Bitches like that just speed me on my downward slope into chauvinism.

4:40 pm January, 29 Wedgie said...

BVG “dry heaving chubby” FTW.

That one goes into the HCwDB Hall of Lexicon.

5:37 pm January, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Drunk. The honour killing family were found guilty.

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Son

7:48 pm January, 29 Edith Anne Tarbox of Dripping Springs Tx said...

attention jessie hart, contrary to what you must have heard, if they play your song in the strip club while you are there, you don’t get it free.

stop trying so hard.

urban legends.

8:11 pm January, 29 troy tempest said...

I got through 1min 26sec and pulled the plug.

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Fuck – where does one begin or go that Vin didn’t cover?

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He is describing the kind of person who needs to be put down like a rancid bleeth at a kissing booth who’s infected with Ebola. I think 5 grams of sodium pentathol would do the trick. Which is like a 1/4 ounce. Yeah. That’ll do it.

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This is just horrible. This kind of crap just digs a deeper hole for America to crawl out of.

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Twizzlers.

8:23 pm January, 29 Wedgie said...

^And yet, you will gladly sell us all the Black Gold you manage to wring out of your newly found oil shale deposits in the back yard of one Right Reverand Chadwick Kroeger, Canada’s next Prime Minister.

We might be some Twizzlers, but we like us some stretch limos, so pump that juice faster, you fuccen puppet.

8:27 pm January, 29 Wedgie said...

Pardon me, I meant to say you fuccen marionette, but when I get excited, two things happen: 1) my vocabulary becomes very limited, and 2) my chubby dry heaves.

11:01 pm January, 29 DarkSock said...

@ALL DAY BABY & Fuckuhaterz –

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Your real name is White Goodman, isn’t it?

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Nobody makes me bleed my own blood…

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Burn Feelers.

11:01 pm January, 29 DarkSock said...

Salty Fuccen Peers.

7:39 am January, 30 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@BVG

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“So by your own logic, you can’t hate the hater haters because hatt hating hatters hatty hatehatt. BOOM, BITCH! THAT JUST HAPPENED! ZEPPELIN!!!!!!!”

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That’s exactly what I needed this morning. Goddamn that was fuccen funny. I got nuthin’ after that.

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