Saturday, January 14, 2012

Comment of the Week: Dude McCrudeshoes

Recent Hall of Mock enshrinee Dude McCrudeshoes wins the Comment of the Week with the following poetic Gothic zombie narrative responding to Atlanta Herpstery:

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As moonlight creeps through the few scattered scratches in the blacked-out windows, McCrude paces the floor of his Black Cathedral. Ethereal wisps of grey smoke waft up from the reagents scattered across an alchemical table, never quite dispersing. A pentagram is carved deeply into the black wood. Amidst the items set upon the table, eyes float sightlessly in yellowing viscous liquids, course black hairs smolder in a shallow stone bowl, while other malign substances give of the portentous rancor of corruption.

Opposite the table, a curiously large leather-bound tome sits open on a podium of rough-hewn oak. The leather is haphazardly stitched and still smells sourly of the animal, if it was indeed an animal, from which it was taken. A few hairs remain in the leather as well, and if you were brave enough to look closely, you might find the merest hint of a tattoo. The pages of the open book are indecipherable. Odd diagrams are composed of interlocking circles and arcs, with a tight looping script marching along each circumference, inside and out, like ants on a hill. In the margins another hand, though still unintelligible, has made notes in dark brownish-red ink.

Between the podium and the table is a box. A coffin. It is so old the pine slats that it was once made from have caved in upon themselves. Between the decaying slats you can glimpse white bones and scraps of blue fabric.

McCrude stops his pacing and begins to speak directly to the coffin on the floor. “Sherman,” he whispers, “I have a task for you. They have rebuilt Atlanta…”

——-

# posted by douchebag1
12:39 pm January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

Yeah McCrudeshoes! Now help tall guy get some poonany using your dark magic.

1:04 pm January, 14 Wheezer said...

I read this comment earlier today and thought it stood a great chance of the award. Great show, McCrudeshoes!

1:15 pm January, 14 Baron Von Goolo said...

I missed that one the first time. Sounds like an elevator pitch to Wes Craven to me. Nicely done.

1:21 pm January, 14 Et Tu Douche? said...

Right on Dude, good stuff!!!!

2:27 pm January, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

This makes my Sat. DB1 and co.! Thanks for appreciating my inane prattle.

2:45 pm January, 14 DarkSock said...

Excellent, D McD…the clear choice for this week.

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Meanwhile, 2nd quarter and Saints have THREE, almost FOUR, FUCKING FUMBLES? Fuck my life; might as well run to the store and get Wedgie’s Makers at half-time. Sir, the seal may be broken and it may be missing a dram or two.

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Crow-Eaters.

3:39 pm January, 14 Wedgie said...

Oh ye of little faith Dr. Sock. Plinky’s Mom has not sung yet.

4:03 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

Congrats, McDude! And by keeping it under five paragraphs, our local concision expert didn’t jump over to the War and Peace with Douchebags site. 😉

4:05 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

oh, and I’d like a Jorchata with a pink bikini-covered breasticle.

4:07 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

What exactly is happening under pink bikini girl’s arm? you have the shadow of the Dark Knight in mask, everybody knows that — but what is at the pit area? A belly button?

4:08 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

Did Hervé create a divot when he suckled on her armpit?

4:09 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

Was Laåargemann here?

4:20 pm January, 14 DarkSock said...

No, The Dude; John Largeman is on vacation. Here he’s seen with his wife Tits Largeman, right before he boarded an Italian cruise ship.
erw
We all know what happened next.

4:29 pm January, 14 DarkSock said...

Baron, you know Wes. Pitch it; I want to see this movie. Except I want Zombie Sherman to burn down New Hamshire. And Bob Dole. And the 49’ers.

4:40 pm January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DarkSock, you forgot to add Walter Mondale to your list.

4:58 pm January, 14 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Zombie Sherman has a special affinity for Georgia. For California, the Terminator is way ahead of all of us. For the rest of the country, I would think the US Congress is a reliable vehicle of destruction.

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Pink Bikini Bleeth seems to have no visible bottoms. Not that I’m complaining, but it would seem to be a big no-no at a waterpark.

5:15 pm January, 14 Nostradouchus said...

Dude’s duckface looks like an alien spaceship.

5:39 pm January, 14 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Congrats McCrude. And fuck you and Jim Harbaugh Wedgie, but enjoy your drinks. I’ve already lost my Divisional weekend pick of all four away teams like always. There’s a reason the return on my picks was 37-1.

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I don’t care anymore. Lenny The Box has my C-note.

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Smiths

5:53 pm January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DarkSock, I just heard my local sports team beat your local sports team. In your face! I mean good game.

6:03 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

@DSock, the really fat St. Tropez guy needs to have that mole looked at.

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Dangling participles

7:27 pm January, 14 Ferris said...

Meh. A few too many adverbs for my liking.

8:02 pm January, 14 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Ferris, but what if those adverbs had boobs? Would that change your mind? I’m impressed McCrudeshoes kept it down to four paragraphs. Spelling is top notch as per usual. Somewhere Mamma McCrudeshoes is smiling. Her trusty red pens lined up neatly in an old Keds box.

8:33 pm January, 14 Ernest Hemmingdouche said...

I concur with Ferris. Much like my dear friend, Howard Phillips Lovecraft, it’s all “eldritch horror this… and arcane secret that…” It’s gothic crap. I’m sorry, I just employed my own error of redundancy. Gothic means crap.

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A story must be realistic. Realism means plain language like real people use. You want an eldritch horror? How about a German soldier sticking a bayonet in my mate’s guts and his intestines pouring out like sausages? Put that in your eldar pipe and strenuously, laboriously, LUGUBRIOUSLY, puff it until you choke.

8:51 pm January, 14 DarkSock said...

Well, Wedgie, as I sit here eating hubris-marinated Crow I lovingly pack my dear red-headed friend to send your way.

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I’d rather have lost like the Saints did with a fierce shoot-out than endure arse-rape like Denver fans are at this particular moment. Awesome game.

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Congratulations, Wedgie. The Niners have always been my 3rd favorite team, and Mrs. Sock is from S.F. so I have some allegiance. But the Packers are my #2 favorite, so we shall see. Until then…..Goodbye, Sober Day.

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Genuflectors.

8:56 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

@Nancy, adboobs always work, especially dangling, but not too much down.

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At

9:48 pm January, 14 fatness said...

I passed out on the couch but woke up with a massive boner for Nancy Dreuche. Does that make me gay?

10:11 pm January, 14 The Dude said...

No, but it makes your ass look fat.

10:31 pm January, 14 fatness said...

That’s what my wife said.

12:08 am January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

You’ll wish you were.

4:51 am January, 15 tall guy said...

Yeah so my date: right from the start i took command like a damn U Boat commander. i figured being German she would totally appreciate a dominate personality. Plus there was Dreuche’s advice… Anyway we met at a local venue and things got iffy right from the start. First, the arrangement was for coffee and the time was mid afternoon, which is neither lunch or dinner. This ain’t no money issue; i mean it was a cafe so how much could she spend? But i hadn’t quite prepared myself for the visual of a slightly hefty hausfrau going fairly strong on the starchy stuff. After two helpings of black forest gateau, a liquor coffee topped with chantilly cream and enough fondant filled chocolates to fatten a starving family, she finally took a breather. Sheesh, after witnessing such a display of gluttony – and i love eating and generally overindulge myself – i was slightly put off. Not sure i want to see her again. What if next time she wants a proper meal?

Confused.

4:53 am January, 15 tall guy said...

erm, that’s ‘dominant’

6:27 am January, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Stop boner blocking me Helix. @Fatness, it means you have great taste and are totally hetero. I’ve got studies to back it up.

@tall guy, bummer. I wish I could say fat chicks had the best weed so go for it, but more often than not they don’t. Sounds like a case of hit it and quit it if you’re up for it. And maybe she has friends.

7:17 am January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

You know, that’s been on my mind for some time, now.

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Between the disgusting mutilation pics, the guy sucking his own dick pic, the lonely hearts club over-emphasis, and the missing humor, when did this site turn into:

“HCwDB – with way too much shitty commentary from some dopey broad and an English As A Second Language ‘bag from Elsewhere”?

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That shit sucks!!!!!

8:15 am January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

DH, I think it is bag hunting, plus whatever miscellany and mundanity people want to share. Men in tight pants fighting over an oblong ball, Rev. passing out in front of his circa 1988 CRT before finishing the story, tall guy’s and Nancy’s enforced born-again virginity, McCrude’s excruciating and excretory TLDR, and Jacque’s pictorial admissions of internet degeneracy… It’s not always my thing either, but I assume it is to someone’s and who am I to piss in their horses’ asses? After all, I have a scroll wheel.

8:22 am January, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Testify McCrudeshoes! That’s why you always come first in my book and sometimes my fantasies, but on a good day you come second.

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@Douchble Helix, you’re a fag.

8:30 am January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Sure. Likewise, my comment is within bounds. We can’t all be telling each other how great every post is. Sometimes, they’re not. And I’m always willing to speak up, truthfully.

8:33 am January, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Comment of the week. You’re still a fag though. Real talk.

8:40 am January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Being a crypto-dick under the banner of just tellin’ the truth… the excuse of jelly-spined pud-whistling sperm-monkeys worldwide since 1105A.D.

9:01 am January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Didn’t see that coming.

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So my perceived trangression opens the doorway for that crap? Fuck you Dude McCrudeshoes.

9:08 am January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I guess not everyone is supposed to say exactly what is on their mind??

9:16 am January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Say whatever you want. I found it unwarranted. Baseless. Harmful in it’s intent. Without redeeming social value.

9:29 am January, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes, this guy is serious. He put it in bold type face.

9:46 am January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I made my point. DH got to make his/hers, such as it is. I’m for getting back to hott chicks and total douchebags.

10:23 am January, 15 fatness said...

@Nancy Dreuche, I always come second. I am a gentleman.

11:36 am January, 15 tall guy said...

Douchble Helix are you abusive to your loved ones? Do they tell you that you are an angry person who forces your decisions on them? Do you walk away, sulk ignore or storm out without discussing things? Were you physically punished as a child? Did you see violence between your parents during your formative years? You give several indications that some or all of these situations made you what you are today. Go ahead and answer honestly now. And if you answer in the affirmative seek help immediately. Whether or not you like me, the style in which I write, the subjects I write about or whether English is my first, second or fifth language, it would benefit you enormously to address the problems of rage that I suspect recur in your life on a daily basis. Think of how much easier life will be once the carnival between your ears is managed properly. It may even lead you to the respect and admiration you desperately crave. Then you can say, ‘that’ll teach ’em!’ In the meantime, I need no English lessons from you. Sorry, but you give every indication of being a grammar tosser and my wide circle of friends include OxBridge honoured graduates in the classics. It’s not hard – and there’s three words you probably hear all the time – so suck it up and grow up.

12:06 pm January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

I don’t look for validation from others. Obviously.

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I share my thoughts. Truthfully, not malicously.

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I don’t make gross conjecturres about other posters, I criticize their boring postings, when it seems appropriate.

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I never even mentioned your name, mate. G’day!

12:09 pm January, 15 tall guy said...

Actually, you never mentioned anyones name. Some might refer to that as cowardly. I prefer to suggest help.

12:14 pm January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Others may recognize discretion. And thin skinned ‘hunters.

12:22 pm January, 15 tall guy said...

if that’s an attempt to flip your inappropriate and unjustifiable rage into something which makes you the victim well it just failed. Also, as a fellow recent Hall Of Mock inductee you could show a little more respect to DB1. You need to let go of this.

12:30 pm January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Rage?

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I suggest you follow your own advice, pally.

4:17 pm January, 15 turtle boy said...

i like turtles

4:22 pm January, 15 DarkSock said...

Look, DH, if you find the asides and off-topics of the regs annoying or boring then stay on the front page, which is what the majority of visitors to this site do, or follow Dude McC’s advice on using the mouse wheel.

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I for one come here as much for the social interaction as for the collective mock. If it’s not your thing that’s fine, but please stop pissing in everyone’s cornflakes. Jeebus.

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Grousers.

4:35 pm January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

If this website can’t tolerate a wee smidgeon of criticism, who needs it?

5:15 pm January, 15 DarkSock said...

Well…as long as it’s a wee smidgeon….OK.

6:28 pm January, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Personally I found the purse piss fight between Medusa and I to be far more interesting. You dudes need to step up yo’ game. Who are you, the Saints?

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Super snarky term

6:36 pm January, 15 DarkSock said...

You cut me, N.D.

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You cut me deep.

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They’ll be back next year…and I truly hope that this time Sean Peyton drills them in the off-season on how to NOT FUCCEN GET A BALL RIPPED OUTCHA BIG ASS HANDS to the point that they are ball-handlers on the level of Donkey Douche, who after a year in County should know how to grasp many, many balls.

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Pompous-Pooned Purse Piss Perpetrators.

6:46 pm January, 15 DarkSock said...

Chicks really piss in each other’s purses?

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Pally?

8:02 am January, 16 Hurl Scheibe said...

Dark Sock, you are an honorable gentleman for honoring your bet. But given your affinity for micturation, it would have been more than appropriate for you to strain the Maker’s Mark with your kidneys before sending the bottle off on its journey to the winner.

8:19 am January, 17 Face Ripper Monkey said...

And I thought I was the only one who wanted Douchble Helix to start a new job and as IED detector. Thanks for getting around to seeing how truly lame this “reg” is everyone. Even if it is late.

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