Saturday, January 7, 2012

Comment of the Week: Mr. Scrotato Head

From Kim’s Tag of a Rocker Horns Douche comes our first Comment of the Week of the New Year:

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Somewhere in Hoboken that’s an 18-month old standing up in a crib that was recalled several years ago, staring down at the half-empty bottle of curdling milk lying on the floor. He doesn’t cry anymore because the One with the soft voice never responds and the One with the hard voice makes it hurt when he does. So he stands there, the weight of his sodden diaper pulling it down nearly to his knees, sniffing back tears, knowing that at some point the One with the soft voice will eventually stumble in, start crying herself, pick up the putrid bottle, and put it in his mouth before staggering of to have a shouting match with the One with the hard voice.

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Episode One, Season Two, “The Real Chicks-who-were-hot-in-high-school-and-thought-their-looks-would-earn-them-a-cushy-life-with-a-hot-guy-but-who-now-have-to-strip-to-pay-the-rent-and-feed-their-bastard-children of Hoboken”

———-

# posted by douchebag1
11:53 am January, 7 soy bomb said...

“…crib that was recalled several years ago…” FTW in a post that is filled with Winners.

11:53 am January, 7 Et Tu Douche? said...

As usual brilliant!!!!!

11:57 am January, 7 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Mr. Scrotato Head comes through with another one. Wow. All I can say is wow.

12:05 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

The black wall of pathos is crushing. I’m chewing a Paxil and going back to bed.

.

.

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Caseys

12:18 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

“Searing…. concise, observation. Speaks volumes about the American psyche in the 2010’s. Five thumbs up.”

.

And Spam was on sale for 50 cents a can today. I love Spam.

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Andrea Yates’

12:25 pm January, 7 Wheezer said...

Scrotato’s piercing vision of the truth is what truly brought forth the takedown request.

12:29 pm January, 7 tall guy said...

Mr Scrotato Head’s excellent prose deserves to be soundtracked. And since Kroeger’s too pissed I’ll step up.

Hope you’all approve.

12:39 pm January, 7 Mr. White said...

I can’t deny the sheer brilliance of Scrotato Head’s comment, but good godamn does it depress the ever-living shit out of me.

12:49 pm January, 7 hermit said...

Well done Scrotato. A chilling tale from the rare and wretched perspective of the abused infant.

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I was never properly breast-fed as a child, and still struggle with self-esteem issues, restless nipples and male-pattern baldness.

1:00 pm January, 7 Steve said...

Wow. My Saturday was going great, and even though this story was made as a joke, it has seriously depressed me. Thanks guys. I think that image meme of the old doctor from “Futurama” sums this up:

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

But, FWIW, I think this fictional story should be posted on billboards across the country. Not just in hoboken.

1:12 pm January, 7 Nancy Dreuche said...

Win the Scrotemeister. It’s cool if I call you that, right. Seriously though I liked this comment when I saw it the first time. I think I’ve mentioned my perfect upbringing several times here, so yeah take care of yo’ kids, or else they’re gonna end up working for me and then I have to do all the work you forgot to do. And that’s just not fair to me.

1:52 pm January, 7 Vin Douchal said...

This post made me sad when I first read it. Today it makes me want to grundle punch a chihuahua puppy.

2:01 pm January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

On the bright side. A Tehran born real-estate lawyer and volunteer police deputy arrested a German ex-pat with a porn site owning mother on trial in California for fraud in Germany who was refused refugee status in Canada for starting 50 fires in LA. It’s a weird world, but I’m full of booze and have a pile of home made venison sausage for Lenny The Box and family if they make it through the blizzard without running into the annual barrage of angry beavers barricading the major highways (log roads) of Ontario.

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Grizzlies

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2:01 pm January, 7 Wedgie said...

Funny stuff, Mr. Head. I don’t know why all the weepies are sad reading your very uplifting prose. Kafka’s Komedy House is holding auditions next week.

2:21 pm January, 7 DarkSock said...

I peed in an existential crisis once.

6:16 pm January, 7 creature said...

very funny Scrotato….you are a light beneath the bushel of aspiring comics in this thread!

6:18 pm January, 7 creature said...

ND still an idiot!

6:19 pm January, 7 creature said...

Rev…love me some fried Spam & eggs

dieticians

8:04 pm January, 7 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Thanks much all. Fair praise indeed. While I do love lusting after the hotts and mocking the shitstains, it is a sad reality that the narcicism we see so evident on our beloved site leaves not only a trail of devastation in its wake but, like every other virus, sows the the seeds for its survival in the bodies of others. In too many case it selects innocent children as host.

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I will now go numb myself with a bottle of Makes Mark and photo albums of when the gator tots were but wee tiny spuds.

8:06 pm January, 7 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Tator tots. Damn auto correct. And damn the Detroit Lions so called defense. Don’t particularly like them but would have liked to see them take down the Saints. Ah well, it was a long shot at best.

8:36 pm January, 7 Baron Von Goolo said...

That’s about as funny as your doctor discovering you have cancer while he’s processing your rape kit. Seriously, what the fuck?

10:41 pm January, 7 Douchble Helix said...

In other news, I just realized the World’s Most Interesting Man is really just the Men’s Wearhouse guy talking with a fake Mexican accent.

11:02 pm January, 7 Wedgie said...

Hey…..was there a football game on today? I gotta get me some more Makes Mark.

2:43 am January, 8 tall guy said...

Yo Kroeger! You made those snags without posting the recipe? What’ll Dreuche.

Also, US/Can/Aust English appendix (probably an ongoing thing ’cause not a lot springs to my dirty ashtray of a mind at the mo.)

Aust “pissed”=drunk “He’s pissed as a fart!”

Aust “snags”=sausages “…And don’t burn the bloody snags, ya nong!”

Aust “nong”=idiot “You’re a deadset nong, Curly.”

Aust “deadset” “Deadset, Curly, any bloody nong can cook snags without burnin’ ’em. Ya must be bloodywell pissed.”

.

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Kangaroos hopping down George Street.

ps Aust “George Street”=major roadway in Sydney Central Business District.

2:44 am January, 8 tall guy said...

erm…Aust “deadset”=fair dinkum=sincerely=for real.

7:22 am January, 8 Nancy Dreuche said...

@creature, back so soon? I thought you would protest for longer. C’Mon get fired up, start a petition to get me thrown of the Hall of Making Fun of People. I for one would find it hilarious.

8:21 am January, 8 Medusa Oblongata said...

Jeebus H. Criminy. I’m so sick now I’m losing my equilibrium. I fell down the fucking stairs last night and possibly tore my rotator cuff in my tattooing arm. Son of a bitch. Between that and the horse shit leading up to the elections, I’m so mad at the fucking state of the universe that I could cunt-punch a kitten. Or three. Either way, I feel for you, little baby in Hoboken. Life ain’t fair. Wait until you’re my age and your body is falling apart in time with the collapse of your nation. Fuck me running, I’m so pissed off right now. This site is about the only thing amusing me between worrying about the swelling totalitarian regime and whether or not my happy ass is going back to the ER for a second time in less than a month. In the meantime, I’m listening to Mr. B. on the phone with someone who’s asking him to come work for him in a fucking airplane factory in Georgia. Yeah. I need to sell off my whole newly reconstructed life to go live in a fuccen swamp and watch the love of my life slowly die of black lung like my welder grandfather. Gaaaaah. Allright. Enough whining. There is still hope.

9:37 am January, 8 DoucheyWallnuts said...

The back of the hand tatts are of the most egregious douchebag traits. And by that I mean I wouldn’t bang anyone in this picture with Chaz Bono’s dick.

10:08 am January, 8 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

That was great. Gonna go blow my brains out now.

1:11 pm January, 8 The Dude said...

Does Chaz Bono have a dick?

3:11 pm January, 8 Guns-N-Douches said...

Holy fuck I’m depressed by that. Especially because it’s not too far from the truth for lots of kids out there. Forget just taking away their kids, anyone guilty of child neglect should be sterilized in a very painful way.

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