Sunday, January 15, 2012

Douchebag Bartending School

When America’s most heinous of hottie/douchey couplings can’t cut it in the real world, the answer is clear: Phucket Bartending School in Thailand. Where every doucheclown has a second shot.

# posted by douchebag1
8:14 am January, 15 Wheezer said...

Ahhhhh, the ol’ Tom Cruise/Cockktail tricks done 25 years ago…..sooooo, will these cockky choadwanks also eventually get their comeuppances? (Just like Tom Cruise seemed to do in all of his 80s/90s films.)

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I’d rather watch the bikini hotts, and if they wanted to mix drinks for me in the meantime, that’s up to them.

8:23 am January, 15 Wedgie said...

You’ll have a Purple Nurple, and a Flaming Vagina chaser.

Ladyboys.

8:23 am January, 15 Wedgie said...

^Followed by a round of Hidden Package Surprises.

8:24 am January, 15 Wedgie said...

Burning Rectums

8:27 am January, 15 Bubba Douche said...

Ja, Daddy said I could live in Ibeza but I must have ze job, so I am going to ze world famous Phuket Bartending School.

Once I am done I vill be ze best super star Euro dance mix bartending model in ze vorld. And if I am not I still get my trust fund super star Euros.

8:28 am January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I like how they emphasize hard work, and then proceed to show people doing everything but working.

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There’s got to be a name for this type of wheel and deal. “We’ll show you how to make money bartending, never mind the fact we don’t actually make money bartending ourselves… we make our money selling you empty promises.” I guess if it works for realestate and financial advisers, why not some liquor jockeys?

8:32 am January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Thailand. Some of the hottest ladies in the world. Some even have vaginas.

8:46 am January, 15 ehcuodouche said...

The downside: bartender, stop juggling my fucking drink already and pour it for me.

The upside: bartender is highly flammable.

9:18 am January, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’m young and hip and looking to lose some of my hard earned money by going to Booze School abroad. Possibly get kidnapped and turned into a sex slave in the process. Where do I sign up for this IBS? Well played again Thailand.

9:27 am January, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

If I’m in my local saloon watching my local sports team kick the stuffing out of your local sports team and my bartender didn’t graduate from some stupid made up bartender school but can still make my Crown and Coke just like I make it when I steal it from my parents liquor cabinet, well then that guy is getting tipped double. Triple if he calls me Miss. Quadruple if he offers to smoke me and my lady friend out in the kitchen behind the bar.

9:32 am January, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Somewhere in a Scientology Center, as short actor of questionable sexual orientation just grew his testicles back and cock punched the nearest 40-something chick.

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Icemen

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9:33 am January, 15 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

Second shot? I’m on my fourth. But there’s a reason! Today is Champagne Katie’s birthday. So all this drinking is necessary for proper celebration. Also, I’m an alcoholic & there’s booze in the fridge.

9:35 am January, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

That video was a joke, right.

10:08 am January, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

B( . )( . )B’s @ 2:27 mark made me turgid, Plinkys mom line dancing @ 2:59 mark ruined it.

10:11 am January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

My bartender only needs one skill. Boobs in a short, tight shirt. If someone wants to juggle my drink, they can GTFO. Only girly drinks lend themselves to that nonsense anyway.

10:31 am January, 15 Wedgie said...

Sunglasses indoors = probable a-hole.

City named after sexual act = probable cesspool.

10:39 am January, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

@Wedgie & Darksock

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Either of you up for a cross-border bet against the Giants today. Maker’s v. Forty Creek Barrel Reserve Whiskey. Only one bet cause I haven’t figured out the logistics yet but it shouldn’t be much harder than Fedex.

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Drunks

11:07 am January, 15 Wedgie said...

I will pass, because I think you have correctly identified the winning team. But my heart is with the Giants, because if they win, the Niners get them at home.

But the Pack will probably win. Frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, and so on.

Cheesedicks.

11:14 am January, 15 Mr. White said...

I’ve heard of going to unaccredited medical schools offshore, but how dumb and pathetic do you have to be to have bartending school in Thailand be your only option?

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Oh, right. Very dumb. With a daddy rich (and dumb) enough to pay for it.

12:07 pm January, 15 army (ret) douche said...

Fuckit the vegas of the pacific rim. Now i know! i wonder if EBS can smell what they are selling?

12:07 pm January, 15 tall guy said...

I surprised myself and watched the whole thing. Although Thailand is a popular holiday destination I’ve never felt any desire to go there. It interests me as little as the Philippines interests me. I refer to these types of learning institutions as whacko-you-beaut schools. Australia has been making money for years from overseas students who enrol in our education facilities. Sadly some schools are dodgy. I’ve rented properties to many an overseas student, the hooker from Taiwan being the most memorable. When she first inspected the accommodation I presumed butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. I was wrong. Anyway, I digress…

The thing is this: blond Euro bleeth in video with big jugs looked alright! Not sure whether she was on right or on left.

12:35 pm January, 15 Douchble Helix said...

Happy Birthday Champagne Katie!

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Hat tip to B. Doucheraeli. Do you know the story behind Cream’s album title of that name?

12:57 pm January, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

If I had to watch a Eurochode spin any bottles or glasses in order to pour my Maker’s Mark or Knob Creek I would pull out my 9 and shoot him in the fuccen head. I wish I could bring Sinatra or Bogart back from when they were in their prime and take them into one of these bars so they could kick douchebag ass.

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And I have no desire to go to Thailand where you can get caned for spitting out your gum on the street, where trannies are trannies and so are the women, and everyone smells like scallions.

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YellowFeverists

1:05 pm January, 15 tall guy said...

Thailand suffered the aftermath of The G.I. Bill, “The Great Society,” hardhat conservatism, evangelical Christianity, Levittown (and white-flight) and Hugh Hefner. Another example of the trickle down effect of 40 years of neo-liberal economic theory and skyrocketing poverty levels. Australians in general are rich and safe in ways that their socioeconomic counterparts in the US, the UK and elsewhere can’t begin to fathom. It is a backhanded compliment to Australian society that the Australian Douche equivalent the bogan is the highest-class low-class nobody on the planet. Although of this I am neither proud nor patriotic.

1:20 pm January, 15 DoucheyWallnuts said...

What would say and do to a cute hott who has 2 vaginas? I am not kidding.

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http://dlisted.com/2012/01/12/hot-slut-day

1:21 pm January, 15 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Thailand is a great place, I just don’t think trust fund Eurotrash should go there pretending it’s a serious career move. Eurotrash should invade each other countries, like they used to in the good old days.

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They call it the Maginot line, but I think it’s just being coy and it means Magiyes.

1:26 pm January, 15 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

I’d tell a cute hott with two vaginas “no way I’m sharing you with Anthony Weiner”

I didn’t even know Champagne Katie was an album title, Helix. Just figured it was a fitting name DB1 came up with.

3:05 pm January, 15 tall guy said...

After 22 years + change in the catering industry I’ve worked with plenty’O’Euro trust fund trash. Worse still are the local junior baglings in my neck of the woods. Usually the product of the typically naff type of private schools around here, where sodomy, misogyny and learning how to physically abuse females feature largely on the curriculum. One such arsehole living within coo-ee of me recently spoke of his “promotion” to the position of sous-chef in a rather dire and awfully pretentious local eating house in which he worked. He’s all of about 20-stupid and this was his first gig in a kitchen. The owner of this shithole, a Korean, didn’t want to pay for a proper sous so blew-up the ego of this girlfriend beating turd by telling him, “hey, you now sous-chef.”

4:18 pm January, 15 schlicht bindenburger said...

its awesome im goin there next once i get my masters in advanced economics at the U of Calcutta!

5:12 pm January, 15 army (ret) douche said...

i tought bogans were rednecks… thanks for the enlightenment tall guy

5:20 pm January, 15 hermit said...

Congrats Rev, that Osi Human Urine played a helluva’ game .

I’d make a wager with you but there’s an obscure amendment to the Mann Act which strictly prohibits shipping Nyquil® across county lines, so international is definitely out of the question.

5:59 pm January, 15 Guid is Good said...

“Ya ya Helmut fuck the Eurozone and it’s 20% unemployment. I am going to European Bartending School.”

Fuckin’ gay scientologists. Ruining the world for the rest of us.

8:55 pm January, 15 Wedgie said...

Thanks Wallnuts. But wouldn’t it just be easier to date twins?

11:30 pm January, 15 tall guy said...

@ army (ret) douche:

And herein lies the difference. With the greatest respect to America and Americans its been my experience that they do not quite understand the concept of bogan. I think this is partly due to irony and satire not being so prominent in American comedy (which tends to rely more on slapstick and repartee), but more due to the social and cultural differences.

In some ways, many of the things that seem most frightening or at least frustrating about American society – the influence of religion, the tired hangover of 1950s conservatism – may also provide brakes on the wholesale devolution otherwise faced by what’s left of working class America. However explaining the bogan to Americans isn’t, necessarily, difficult, providing I stick to broad generalisations.

e.g.

When asked what is a bogan? I might reply, ‘sort of like a redneck, but different. They tend to have more money.’ To which the American might reply, ‘so if they have money, they’re not rednecks then.’ Then I’ll reply, ‘they have redneck values and redneck opinions, but many bogans hold well-paying jobs and are paying off McMansions.’ Which elicits the possible reply, ‘oh, like yuppies then?’ Clearly wrong and i’d let ’em know with, ‘no, nothing like yuppies. They don’t live in inner city areas. They tend to live in outer suburban areas, have limited education, often work in blue-collar jobs, hold very conservative opinions, but many are prosperous. So opposite to yuppies in many respects.’ Confused now, the American may venture, ‘If they’re not educated how come they’re rich? They’re not like rednecks at all.’

Et cetera et cetera ad nauseam till kingdom come. You see, generalisations does explain a bogan, although it loses that certain something in translation.

4:27 am January, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Can’t we all get along like the misfit toys with Yukon Cornelius?

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I’m as giddy as an Italian shipmaster abandoning my ship. Fucking Euro douche.

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Giants

6:11 am January, 16 Nostradouchus said...

I hear they have a great exchange program with Shore State Polytechnic Community College and Career School…

7:38 am January, 16 Phil said...

Phuket indeed.

9:05 am January, 16 Jim Beam said...

The hardest part of international travel is all those shots you’re required to get from your doctor. Going to Thailand is bad enough with malaria shots, but going to this “school” also requires Valtrex.

6:38 pm January, 16 Guid is Good said...

Hey while you are in Thailand why not take in a sauna on the Mecha Hineyho Memorial Tour?

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Chest LadyBrahs

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