Friday, January 6, 2012

Friday Thoughts and Links

Feeling relaxed in the New Year?

Just remember. White Trash Uberwipes are dating your ex-girlfriend.

With giant f-ing lobes. Seriously. WTF with the lobes?

On to the rest.

Nice to see the site fire back up in the New Year, and props to all bringing continuing A-Game to the threads. The mock must continue. Oh yes. It must continue.

Your humble narrator is still hard at work peddling his wares in the dark streets of Hollywood. The whoreness is overwhelming.

But there are always In-n-Out burgers to guide the way. Those are some good burgers, Dude.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!”

File under “those crazy kids”: Vodka Tampons. For when drinking orally is just so 2011.

Raiders of the Lost Ark: Geekgasm Edition

The future ex-Mrs.DB1 continues to grow into pure Semitic Librarian Suckle Woo.

The coolest dogs know how to groove to acoustic guitar.

If I were you, I definitely would not click on a link that’s called Greek Banana Horse Crotch.

The Jersey Shore continues epic cash-generating douchebag merchandising. The DB1 is not paid residuals.

Ladies, if you ever want to make your man happy, dress as Judy Jetson. Judy Jetson was hot. But Jane was milfy.

But you are not only here for milfy Jane Jetson. You are also here for pear:

Thong Pear

Pear that sends soldiers into war on the dreams of a whiff of hiney wipe.

# posted by douchebag1
12:29 pm January, 6 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Yes, Judy Jetson. To paraphrase will smith, oh hell yes!

12:39 pm January, 6 jonezy said...

yes, but did you see this?

12:49 pm January, 6 Wheezer said...

The Groovin’ Golden FTMFW! That dog is utterly adorable and gets a lifetime nottadouche…..well, just for being a dog, first of all. But adding a great sense of timing earns him the right to being declared nottadouche in perpetuity.

.

Mila Kunis and Thong Pear should mud-wrestle for the right to give that dog a belly rub and an ear scratch.

12:50 pm January, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

RE the photo: Lesbibag?

12:53 pm January, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

This photo has inspired me. I had long made it a tradition to mock, harass and attempt to humiliate any of my [older] sister’s dates. The only one I failed on was the one she married, good on him for telling me where to shove it. Anyway, this photo has inspired the one line that I will use when my future daughter brings home a future date. Regardless of who he is or what he looks like, i will stare right into his eyes and say, “And what are you supposed to be?”

.

Then I will sit back and watch the stammering begin. Feel free to test this out, any of you with teenage daughters at home. I wanna know how it works.

1:14 pm January, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

Mmmmmmmmm Thong Pear W, side boob reveal and a killer smile now that it a great way to head into the weekend.

.

I love that Dog!!!!!

1:16 pm January, 6 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

I get it, I get it. Ink. Stretching the lobes. Piercings. Doing your own “thing”. It’s all about saying “F*ck you world! You may control everything else, but you don’t control me! So F*CK YOU!”

.

But honestly now, if you’re doing what you’re doing out of rebellion, isn’t that also the world controlling you? Pushing your buttons? Steering you towards the life of a carnival clown?

.

Sure you may have made the decisions, but are they good decisions? Will they give you the leverage to one day give the collective, oppressive Man the middle finger? I didn’t think so either.

.

Okay. Okay. Easy. Stop crying its making your manscarra run. Its not easy realizing you’re not just a tool, you’re a f*cked tool. But somewhere inside of you is someone who’s better than that. I know there is, deep deep down inside beneath all the ink and metal. A lost person desparate to be seen, to be heard, to be loved.

.

So what do you say? Let’s just go on and make my Double Whopper Combo, okay? And no spitting in it, because that’s what freaks like you will do on occasion. I’m watching you.

1:24 pm January, 6 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Medusa

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Whoa, WHoa, WHOa, WHOA!! Did I just read this right?

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“Anyway, this photo has inspired the one line that I will use when my future daughter brings home a future date.”

.

Are congrats in order?

1:27 pm January, 6 Et Tu Douche? said...

I offer my own thoughts & links. The Stones recently released the legendary bootleg “The Brussels Affair 73”. It was released this past November on the Stones new website Stonesarchive.com. This is the first release of six unreleased Stones concerts part of the Rolling Stones Bootleg Series. Check out Keef in the Video and I highly suggest you listen to StarFucker, Gimme Shelter and especially Heartbreaker which has an incredible jam in the middle. The boys (W/Mick Taylor) are locked & loaded and sound ferocious in all their early 70’s debauched decadence.

.

Starfuckers

1:57 pm January, 6 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I have the urge to wipe that wise-ass, sarcastic look off of urban douche-lord Eddie Haskell’s face with a belt sander. Freakin’ gingers. His date looks like a younger, embalmed Madeleine Stowe. Someone send her an emergency kit filled with blush and lipstick.

2:07 pm January, 6 DarkSock said...

I think that Greek thong guy peed in that horse once.

2:24 pm January, 6 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

My thoughts/disgust with the whole ear-lobe thing are well documented….as is the fact that White Trash Dude is gayer than a Justin Bieber sex toy.

2:59 pm January, 6 Wedgie said...

Well, at least now I know where all my wife’s tampons have been disappearing to.

3:12 pm January, 6 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

My dog does the same thing when I stop smoking doobies. Steven Spielberg only steals from his fellow Tribesman, am I right? It’s Hollywood, they’re all Jews. Pear reminds me that I am way too old to have the Friday night family fucking thing be watching the last episode of The Wizards Of Waverly Place stoned with a boner on for Selena Gomez hidden under my Snuggie.

.

Fculk fuckkumn jjfikjmn fuck

3:28 pm January, 6 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

I was going to comment on why white trash uberwipe’s eyebrows don’t match and that he looks like he shaved his head and is wearing a red wig, when I became so transfixed on the absolute perfection that is thong pear that I could not continue. I can only hope that one of you fine gentlemen will tell me that she is in fact a well known adult film star and that there are volumes of pics and films of her, sans thong, doing nasty thing. Please tell me that it is so !

4:40 pm January, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Et Tu, thanks for the music suggestion. Looks like a good album.

4:41 pm January, 6 Stephanie said...

You take an already ugly guy then he uglies himself up more by adding large ear lobe holes, and you still have a very ugly guy. Where’s the math?

4:47 pm January, 6 Stephanie said...

Already on top of that Stones Boot Archive thing,I have Brussels Affair ’73 it’s off the master tapes,and they remixed them. Sometimes the original boot is best though. Like Bowie’s Santa Monica thing is better as the boot. Just saying.

Finally the Stones wake up to putting out their own live shows that were great. The sad thing is you can only get the mp3 here in the States,but in Europe they get the FLAC version. If you look, you can find the FLAC versions.

Rock on non douches.

5:04 pm January, 6 tall guy said...

Dreuche, I reckon you should post pictures of your smoking hot, silver fox mum. I mean, she’s probably closer to my age than any other hott here. Otherwise, the alternative is putting my cue back in the rack. Maybe that’s taking it to the next level.

5:28 pm January, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, unfortunately for you, but fortunately for me she’s still happily married to my Dad. I know, boring right? And don’t give up the game just yet. Your lady love is out there somewhere, until then just 8 ball jean pocket it for awhile. That’s what all the cool kids are doing anyways.

6:08 pm January, 6 DarkSock said...

I peed in a jean pocket once.

6:21 pm January, 6 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ BHD 1:24–Nope. Not as long as I insist on–oh, you know what, I’m not even going to go there, hilarious as it might be. No. Nothing in the oven. And what with the space flu going on in Casa Oblongata, nobody’s going to be sticking anything into anyone’s anywhere anytime soon. Theraflu, anyone?

7:48 pm January, 6 hermit said...

I used to wear one of those Greek penis sheaths when i worked the shrimp boats off the Gulf coast. Sometimes late at night, when the liquor ran low and the card games wound down, me and the boys would play “pet the horsey” below decks.

It was strictly a non-gay thing, we did it only to pass the time on those long, lonely nights when the full moon danced across the open waters and the playful jellyfish copulated beneath the pounding waves.

8:27 pm January, 6 DarkSock said...

It’s not gay if you’re eyes are shut during ejaculation and your heart is heavy with shame.

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Medical FACT.

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.

.

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Dutch Rudders.

8:43 pm January, 6 Nostradouchus said...

I seriously thought that was a chick.

8:50 pm January, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, I checked your story with my gay dude posse, and they said its still pretty gay. Also, they want the name of your Shrimping Boat Co. Look up the term “shrimping”, that’s also pretty gay, even with your eyes closed.

9:13 pm January, 6 tall guy said...

Just an observation, but I’m hanging around la casa this arvo reframing a large photo while waiting for the harsh Ozzy sun to weaken so I can grab a late surf & the DVD I was watching finished (BBC’s Waking The Dead) so switching on the TV I see “Ensign Pulver” w/ Burl Ives, Walter Matthau, Robert Walker Jr. was screening. They’re all orange hued! Strange.

9:16 pm January, 6 wonderdouche twin said...

Thong Pear needs to be inducted into H.O.P!

.

STAT!

9:19 pm January, 6 tall guy said...

And speaking of a whiter shade of fail, Johnny & Edgar Winter’s untalented younger cousin with the jumbo-sized calamari lobes looks like an idiot.

10:42 pm January, 6 DarkSock said...

2012 sucks

12:09 am January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Jane Jetson? Wilma Flintstone was the most desirable woman that ever lived.

12:23 am January, 7 Douchble Helix said...

If you have the fortitude for it, click the pic for the enlarged version. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

.

Y’all are welcome for the Mila link.

5:24 am January, 7 hermit said...

Woke up drunk and hungover with my head throbbing and my heart heavy with shame.

.

.

So, it’s all good.

.

.

Seamen

6:05 am January, 7 Doucheywallnuts said...

Hermit’s semen, I mean sea men story sounds like one of Verbal Kint’s anecdotes. But gayer. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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Jonesy, why did you do that to us? I was just curing my maker’s mark and Sicilian pizza hangover with the awesome pear, and then I had the misfortune to click on your link.

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Girls at a local high school got busted for the vodka tampons. And since alcohol is metabolized in the blood stream, users will have alcohol on their breath.

.

I would buy a Situation shooting target.

.

The sexy Jetson’s outfits give me a boner, but then most things do. Mrs Wallnuts will be prancing around in one of those costumes by mid-week and will be covered in ejaculate. Gives new meaning to the phrase,”Jane, stop this crazy thing!”

6:12 am January, 7 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Morning Hatters,

.

I feel hungover but have succumbed to the yearly flu which only catches me when I am living cleanish. Onward NyQuil and whiskey to a drunken Wildcard Weekend. Football gods please clear my delirious head.

.

And what these two ^ said. The only virgin I ever banged was a lovely 17 year-old roomate who I groomed (squirted on) into an acomplished lover fron P.E.I. named Seaman. She was bulimic and spit out everything except my semen. Go figure. Go Giants.

9:25 am January, 7 Wedgie said...

Here’s your first qualifier for the “Could Be A Lesbian In Drag” category for the 2012 Douchies.

11:04 am January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Yes, yes jonezy. A fat girl taking a cell self-portrait in the bathroom, how quaint.

.

Now that the kids have had their fun, Jacques is here. Let’s get this party started.

11:05 am January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Sorry. As restitution, I give you some up-to-bat pear.

11:08 am January, 7 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Seriously though…were they really drinking Drambuie straight out of URCs in that hot tub party pic? That’s pretty hardcore. No wonder that one guy had such hairy shoulders.

.

And his wife/girlfriend for that matter.

11:49 am January, 7 Drambuie said...

That’s not fucking Drambuie. It’s Carolyn’s Irish Cream. Son.

.

Thank you for not posting a video of penis vivisection this week, yet. Please. Don’t.

12:50 pm January, 7 doucheywallnuts said...

That Fat Tub picture smells of scrod and Weight Watchers Breath Mints. Excuse me whilst I go off to vomit.

7:03 pm January, 7 Whoop-di-douche said...

Double Whammy Thong Pear and Side Boob are best ever, topped with a Cheery Cherry Smile.

Whipped cream is yours to add.

7:05 pm January, 7 Whoop-di-douche said...

I absolutely do NOT understand why a red-headed douchebag wants to add ring-pierced ear lobes to the portrait. Everybody’s already staring down the red hair, and he wants to make an idiot of himself?

7:08 pm January, 7 Whoop-di-douche said...

Vodka tampons…..hmmmm…..explains why there was a special post- new Year’s sale at Target of faceted vodka bottles at the end of the tampon and pads aisle….

5:45 am January, 9 CB Popped said...

Vodka fuccen tampons,,,,

5:46 am January, 9 CB Popped said...

Thong Pear,,,,,fwap all day long to that shit.

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