Monday, January 30, 2012

HCwDB of the Month

What a horrible month for douchelips. Three of our four douche finalists are ducking it up. But at least there’s boobies.

Here’s your contenders:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia

Our first HCwDB pairing of 2012, this rank and festering piddle paddle makes genital warts seem like anal warts.

I have no idea what that means, and yet somehow it is so apropos.

Apropos of what?

Apropos of nothing.

Hey, are apricots apropos of anything?

Okay, I’m getting giddy. Must be Freida’s tasty secretarial skills.

And by secretarial skills, I mean rump curve.

Seriously, has any pic in the history of HCwDB done more with less pear reveal than than hiney slope?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah

Between this hippie herspter tomfoolery, and Grover’s second pic choke-throttling Heather, this is a douche well worth mocking.

Not to mention we haven’t had many of the late 1990s ultimate frisbee playing “Presidents of the United States of America” playing wankfests like Grover here.

No, I don’t love Wilco. Stop asking.

But can Sarah hold up her side of the HCwDB equation?

Is the hott side hott enough to win the Monthly?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Adriana

Adriana is all that is accented in Lisbon.

She makes tea kettles toot and Persian tree frogs pee on a eucalyptus leaf.

For that, I thank her for her time, and whimper softly back at the bar.

Tony the Curdle is classic pre-Jersey-Shore purity of douchewank. The kind we used to mock around here way back in 2009. When they weren’t yet “ironic” and playful, and still took their “game” seriously.

For that, we must give him proper societal scorn.

This is a potent and sneaky douchal/hottie combo.

But there’s one more to go:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Blender Barry and Boobster Connie

Perhaps a bit “Dress-up HCwDB”, but for sheer boobal reveal and chaotic stripper/librarian confusion for Connie, this is a prime mockfest.

Blender Barry likes to Shakeweight in his off hours.

He’s thinking of upgrading from eHarmony to Christian Mingle. For the lips aren’t getting him very far in life. But that’s no excuse.

So we mock.

Now it’s up to you.

Which of these four couplings is enough to win the first Monthly of 2012?

If ya don’t vote, then there ain’t mo point in voting. So bring it, while I enjoy some tasty Frosted Flakes.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:28 am January, 30 Wedgie said...

My vote is for Jesse Hart.

7:37 am January, 30 Douchble Helix said...

My vote is for Grover, who I think has it figured out, and I’m guessing the Rev is voting for Sarah Lawrence Sarah.

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Boobster Connie inspires this, a repeat from a slow Saturday…

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http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/267/leaners.jpg/

7:43 am January, 30 Capt. James T. Douche said...

My vote is for Tony the Curdle, he looks what would happen if you gave your average Jersey Shore Guid Barnacle that drug Bradley Cooper had in Limitless.

7:43 am January, 30 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Swirlwind fills me with meh. And apropos of nothing, apricots are apropos of the mons veneris. Mostly SFW, tell me this doesn’t look like an apricot:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mons_pubis

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Tony the Curdle should win the Moishe Fiensteen Award for Semitic Italian Impersonators. But not the monthly.

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Boobster Connie wins the McCrude Award for Hott That Really Should be Topless.

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Appearing without a Hott is no obstacle for McPocolypse, who breaks all the rules, including those of nature. McPocolypse FTW.

7:54 am January, 30 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I got to give it up for the Librarian hott, Boobster Connie. And by give it up, I mean give it up.

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And whatshisname, whom I won’t give it up…

8:04 am January, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

I vote for Grover Cleveland. Because going back in time and voting on an already determined election is similar to voting here.

8:05 am January, 30 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Isn’t Barry Blender just Gynochin in disguise/

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.Who can resist the Death Stare of Grover McPocalypse?

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…or the stench?

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.Grover and Sarah FTM

8:19 am January, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

Sorry, that was just the bitter talking. I cast my real and important vote for that dirty dirty hippy douche Grover McProlapse. If he offered me weed brownies I would give them to his dog. And I love dogs!

8:46 am January, 30 tall guy said...

First the vote then a (brief) debrief of the cake ceremony:

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Andy is definitely rank and festering. Definitely. But more wiener than winner. Frieda overdoes the cute w/-a-straw look. Regrettably they’ll both ripen.

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Grover, too, overplays his hand. And it’s the wackiness I can’t stand: he (and to be sure, her) are all… ‘Oh, we’re so, so different (and wacky!) – we’re presently exploring an underused area of pop culture (and wackiness!) for the pure joy of being wacky. Ya dig?’ Also, I sense that Sarah must have stood in a breeze while ducking it up and now has the look permanently emblazoned.

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Now Tony Da C could be a contender. W/- Adriana by his side anything is possible even while wearing sunglasses at night.

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Finally, there’s too much dayglo and far too many entry level signifiers going on w/- Barry’n’Connie. If anything (or anyone) screams middle class oiks from the suburbs it’s this pair.

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So my vote goes to Tony The Curdle and the delectable Butt Pooch Adriana. TTC & BPA FTW!

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Now the cake ceremony: sent her a playful TXT late afternoon confirming her attendance that evening . Bit of TXT toing and froing – she mentioned fear might keep her away. Concerned I replied asking if she was okay. Affirmative received, so I then offered to pick her up and take her to the meeting. She thanked me saying she’d drive herself. It was at this point that a thought concerning her marital status developed in my dirty ashtray of a mind. Namely, I wondered if she has a husband. Anyway, meeting, cake’n’card ceremony went as smooth as a Mormon’s haircut (my words on the card: “Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly love that matter… and lasts.” Not bad eh, Dreuche?) and afterwards a perfect opportunity presented itself for one-on-one which I/we availed ourselves of. Tension built. From my side it was sexual tension. Hers? I can’t say. I then walked her to her car accompanied, for half the distance, by her sponsor, who seemingly gave us plenty of one-on-one time, which I kidded myself into believing they had recently discussed my glaringly obvious attention towards her and were now giving me enough rope to… Reaching her vehicle she thanked me for the offer of a lift and asked if I’d driven my natty little roadster. I replied I hadn’t and for a mad minute considered asking her to come check out my old Ford wagon. Instead I raised the subj. of not wanting to make her husband jealous (as I’d mentioned in one of our earlier TXTs) and she neither confirmed or denied the presence of a husband. Spent of game I bid her adieu. Now I’m more confused than ever. And, unsurprisingly, I want her more than ever.

9:21 am January, 30 jonezy said...

my vote is squarely on wishing I was the medallion resting delicately on Adriana’s fair bosom.

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And cuz Tony Curdle sucks while John Coltrane knows who is really the king of cool up in here.

9:25 am January, 30 Mr. Biggs said...

Oh man … such a championship field of poo this month I don’t know where to begin. I can eliminate Tony and Adriana because it just doesn’t stand out beyond the typical club douchery. And I’d love to slap Barry across the face with a skateboard, because I promise you he’s never skated a day in his life, especially with that duckface smirk he’s got going on. But it’s not nearly as noxious as our first two contenders.

Of our final two, I’d have to go with Grover, for taking douchery to the next level, and in an innovative direction at that. Such an undiluted display of herpsterbaggery, encouraged and catalyzed by Sarah McPooch, shows us this toxic new form douchebaggery is taking as it poisons our culture in search of poon. It’s toxic couplings like these that are the reason people hate drum circles and Burning Man.

9:28 am January, 30 Scooby Douche said...

Easy for me. I like boobs. Connie has spectacular boobs. I want to see more pictures of Connie’s boobs. I therefore vote for Connie.

And women think men are so shallow….

9:33 am January, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sweet dead wallaby on the highway Tall Guy just go fuck some chick. If they are over 18 and don’t blow you on the first encounter fuck em.

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Here’s what I do when I meet chicks on the side. “Hi I’m Dale, are you married. Great me too, let’s go to my van and fuck before the soccer, swimming, dance lessons are over.”…”Thanks for the blowjob, fuck, ass reaming. See you next week and don’t tell your friends or I’ll kill your family.” If I already know her, I just sneak off to a spot to help put the wine away, do the dishes, smoke a cigarette and wait until she brushes against me or some lame shit, grab her mons pubis and set the date at her place of work or some dilapidated motel that only accepts cash and has rear parking. You’re thinking about it too much man. Get some random mons pubis today, Son!

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I vote for Grover McPpocolypse and Mons Pubis and I am a hopeless romantic.

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Cheaters

9:33 am January, 30 DarkSock said...

The Blender Barry and Boobster Connie has the least obnoxious pairing here.

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However it also has the most spectacular rackular pair here.

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Ima go for Boobster C and whoever she’s standing next to. And I’m an ass man, dammit.

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Udder Sell-Outs

9:44 am January, 30 Anonymous said...

Barry and Connie – he’s a sack, she’s way hot

9:49 am January, 30 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@tall guy, this story has all meanderings and lack of conflict of your average James Joyce novel (may he be tormented in the afterlife). Less Ulysses. More Canterbury Tales. BTW, chick is not interested. Queequeg another Ishmael, and point your lance at another windmill.

9:51 am January, 30 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Andy Swirlwind’s “trust no one” tattoo with matching two sizes too small t-shirt really did it for me. As does Frieda’s glorious back arch and coquettish smile.

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I regret not checking in yesterday and missin all the hatin. My loss.

9:56 am January, 30 Vin Douchal said...

Fuccen Grover McPocalypse is an attention seeking cockk-mug ass, the type that’s in everyone’s face at the most inappropriate times. Fuck off !, loud mouth you are a stinky poseur with no talent. Eat a fuccen cheesburger and join the human race, dipshit

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However, he pales in douchiness to the other three. By using the heralded “Eenie-Meenie-Minie-Moe Theory of Evolution” perfected by Pete Darwin, Charles’ brother the vote goes to “Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Adriana FTW”.

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Adriana’s bulbous answer to “Does this shirt make my breasts look large and succulent like overripe mangos?” , her flat tummy and perfect hips make her HoH worthy. Tony makes squirrels dive under moving steam rollers for the sweet , sweet relief of meeting Squirrel Jesus.

10:01 am January, 30 tall guy said...

Yo, McCrudeshoes, “Yeah. Huh? Huh? Huh? (I’m) faster than you, you fuckin’ son of a…I saw you comin’, you fuck, shit-heel. I’m standin’ here. You make the move. You make the move. It’s your move. [He draws his gun from his concealed forearm holster] Don’t try it, you fucker. You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? [He turns around to look behind him] Well, who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well, I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you’re talkin’ to? Oh yeah? Huh? OK. [He whips out his gun again] Huh?” – Travis Bickle

10:03 am January, 30 icame isaw idouched said...

Grover FTW. He’s got that look on his fact because a Yak just took a shit on his shoulder.

10:04 am January, 30 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, the message was short and sweet, good work as long as you two have known eachother for awhile. You throw out the L-bomb to someone you barely know, kinda weird. Unfortunately unless you have your sights super set on this lass I’m gonna have to agree with Rev Chad on this one. Except for the cheating on your spouse part but since you’re single that’s a non issue. Had Rev Chad had my guidance earlier in life, I would have told him not to get married until he had sewn every last oat. I mean c’mon lets be real.

10:05 am January, 30 Red Headed Woman said...

No. 1.

10:08 am January, 30 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Another way to get chicks is to let them know that they are giving you a boner. Life is too short to fuck around man, just tell them the truth. You want to invade their moist jungle. It boosts their self-esteem and estrogen flows to their nether loin regions, mons pubis engorging with blood, they find you irresistable and then you stick your boomerang in the barbie.

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But you got to make sure they don’t have some cop or MMA boyfriend and you should always carry a shiv just in case this doesn’t go the way I plan.

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Am I right ladies?

10:11 am January, 30 The Dude said...

Tony the Curdle and Butt Smooch Adriana. She walks thru life in soft-focus; he wishes he had the features to be a gynochin.

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Boobster Connie walks thru life in the clear focus of fake glasses, balanced by some nice basketballs hanging from the chest.

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Death Tongue was here before. Don’t worry, son — your efforts do not go unnoticed for the Committee to Select Thallbags for the 2023 Gugenstain Exhibit.

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Grover and Sarah aren’t really Douchey, they just smell bad from months of Burning Man and OWS campouts.

10:20 am January, 30 RAPETIME said...

tall guy: you are approaching this like a pussy. And as the rule says, “if you act like a pussy you’re not going to get any.”

love? concern? walks? “tension”? What the fuck are you doing? If she doesn’t beg you to cram your meat manatee into her tuna trench inside of a half-hour, you’re wasting your time. Find another fish. From what I’m told, the sea is full of them.

10:21 am January, 30 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@tall guy, are you telling us the cake chick is Jodi Foster? I think she bats for the other team. Or at least likes to bat for the other team on occasion. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

10:34 am January, 30 Douchble Helix said...

The Rev deserves a lifetime achievement award, Canuck, racist, anti-Semitic, bastard, or not. He does it with love.

10:35 am January, 30 Douchble Helix said...

I wish that was a hyphen after ‘award’.

10:41 am January, 30 Vin Douchal said...

The only thing I know about Australia is they have incredible tennis tourney’s as this past weekend proved and NIkki Visser

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Jumbucks

10:47 am January, 30 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Vin, it’s also a former Penile Colony.

11:04 am January, 30 Troy Tempest said...

Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah. Why? Which of the three are you least likely to hire to do anything. The other 3 can pass (barely). Gorver’s still a fuckin idiot. And Sarah’s skanktastic. She makes my cat shit on the bed.

11:11 am January, 30 Wedgie said...

Thanks, Vin. Her name is now Sticky Visser. Shit, where are those wet-wipes when you need them?

11:24 am January, 30 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Andy Swirlwind and Freida Garcia FTW! Why? When you’re too fuccen busy mugging for the camera to notice such a fine specimen of womanhood wrapping herself around your sorry good-for-nothing ass and sport a lame-ass script tatt of your life’s code (yeah, trust no one. Like anyone gives a shit about you in the first place), you need a serious prostate exam given by Wolverine on a meth bender.

11:29 am January, 30 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

I usually vote for boobs so my vote this month is for Andy Swirlwind. Freida is a classic, almost obtainable hott with an inexplicably consistent ability to date massive choads and make my trousers snug.

11:47 am January, 30 army (ret) douche said...

tony and adriana. For he has the self entitled aura and with a little photo editing could be the equivalent of a douched out mr potato head. i just want to add some ant lines and a hat tilted to ridiculous angles and maybe an eyebrow piercing…. well that and samuel l jackson in the background does not approve

12:07 pm January, 30 Baron Von Goolo said...

Andy Swirlwind makes me want to grab a baby harp seal by the flippers and use it like an airsickness bag until it bursts in slow motion like Michael Ironside in a Cronenberg movie. But my vote goes to 3BC because I want Boobster Connie’s effervescent jigglerifficness to be enshrined here for all eternity. She is the giggly offspring of the Playboy Bunny and the Easter Bunny and I want to give her a carrot.

12:11 pm January, 30 tall guy said...

Kroeger, I like and agree with your advice re. letting them know. All chicks want to believe that every man wants to nail ‘em.

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McCrudeshoes, I’ve long though along similar line re. her lesbian tendencies.

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Dreuche, the L worded sentiment expressed on her card was meant in a general way not in a personal way. However as a drunk the three easiest words I ever said (which were also the three most insincere words I ever uttered) were ‘I love you’. Interestingly the three hardest words are ‘I don’t know’. I’m a spiritual thief; I’ll take a bit from everywhere, everyplace and everyone and add a bit of spin then replay it in order to convince you of my broad, worldly, street wise, urbane or hayseed knowledge rather than look like someone who doesn’t know.

12:20 pm January, 30 Fyodor Dostedouchesky said...

sweet, sweet Connie

1:19 pm January, 30 Voulez-vous douchez? said...

There’s too much bleeth potential in 3/4 of these hotts. So my vote is for #3 Tony the Curdle. Gotta keep the classix alive.

1:48 pm January, 30 Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche said...

Guuuuuuuuh, this is tough. Grover is the biggest piece of poo by a country mile, but he’s also paired with the weakest hott of the bunch (kissy lips = auto-baguette). Connie obviously has the boobie thing going for her in a big (but not too big way), but I can’t get past those ridiculous glasses. Freida Garcia is sublime, but I have to go with Tony the Curdle and Adriana, because she looks a little like my wife. Yay me!

2:45 pm January, 30 Et Tu Douche? said...

Tony the Curdle and Butt Pooch Adriana FTW!!! cause I STILL feel Wise Black Man Howlin’ Cat’s pain.

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I don’t know who NIkki Visser is but I would love to put my shrimp on her barbie……..wait what?

2:53 pm January, 30 DouchYouWannaDance said...

DB1,

Dunno if you’ve yet picked up on my recent observation with “Boobster Connie”:

Latest Bleethy fashion trend: Fake glasses w/o lenses as a fashion accessory. Connie’s not the first.

What say you?

3:34 pm January, 30 CB Popped said...

Grover.

3:38 pm January, 30 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Grover McPocalypse FTW. Any time a new species is discovered it is noteworthy – like the Pollinating Cricket or Monitor Lizard – and some may say award worthy. Grover McP certainly represents a new species of douchebag. Greater minds than mine can come up with the appropriate moniker, so until then I will call him Douchebag of the Month.

4:29 pm January, 30 Bret Easton Douchis said...

I feel the most existential horror at the potential coupling of Andy and Freida.

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My despair level is unmeasurable. Just looking at that kind of loveliness wrapped around that much manure sends me out to the gun range.

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6:49 pm January, 30 Nostradouchus said...

G-Mac all day.

7:53 pm January, 30 Stephanie said...

Grover McPocalypse and Sarah. He’s a Muppet character, and begs for a category all by himself. I’m working on one for him,but haven’t found it yet. It’s worse than the missing link. But that guy uses that look way too much,and some girls fall for it.

Clever monkey.

7:55 pm January, 30 Scrotewank Jones and the furry furry Douchetrots said...

I have to throw in for Andy Swirlwind. His shirt looks like a child laid it down, and shot paint at it with a squirt gun. His tattoos also scream of racial confusion…..and she is wonderful.

8:42 pm January, 30 justsaynodouche said...

Andy and Freida all the way…he’s the doucheiest, and her hiney slope and naughty gaze make me happy…

9:32 pm January, 30 Sir David Douchenborough said...

I cast my vote for Grover McPocalypse because if his head sporangium extends anymore of that fungal mycelia, I am going to have rip a page out of Outbreak and incinerate a mile radius around him and initiate a martial bio-quarantine if it means that Sarah’s vibrant and vivacious lips do not become a petri dish for whatever will have ejected from that biological blight.

12:50 am January, 31 Colossus of Choads said...

gotta be Blender and Connie

6:14 am January, 31 Dan said...

Andy & Frieda get my vote, for quality of Hott, and the fact that his arm tatt matches the pattern on her dress.

6:27 am January, 31 melvil_duchi said...

Blender Barry and Boobster Connie

10:06 am January, 31 Jim said...

Grover McP & Sarah. B/c Grover’s the one I most want to punch.

11:43 am January, 31 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Stephanie

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Don’t lump that fucckstick in with my “people”. We have standards you know.

8:48 pm January, 31 Tits McGee said...

Blender and Connie

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