Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

7:07 am January, 5 C. K. Doucheter-Haven said...

Oh, this poor girl. It’s like she’s out of an O. Henry story, having to sell her eyebrows to get an ugly ass tatt.

7:26 am January, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Magical cat flute with whiskers, Alex?

7:27 am January, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

An ode to Ben Franklin’s electrical discovery?

7:28 am January, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

A ribbon adorned pogo-stick?

7:29 am January, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Manta Ray?

7:29 am January, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Skinny catfish?

7:32 am January, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

The key to my Shart?

7:33 am January, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

Songs in the Key of Fail?

7:38 am January, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

On first seeing this, I was at a loss for any outrage. I only see two misguided, luke-warm IQ’s who have no idea what the world has in store for them. The world is going to arse-rape them like a locomotive running over a cow.

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Then I remembered that they have parents, and the parents are to blame. The parents who smoked crack and drank wood alcohol all through pregnancy, and then ignored the tykes as the ran around with scissors and plastic bags over their heads. The parents should flogged with a boat anchor, dipped in molasses, and buried in a termite mound.

7:40 am January, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

A banjo with a bow? And word McCrude, word.

7:45 am January, 5 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

The bleethening has begun early on this one…

7:48 am January, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

She looks like a barista school drop-out who couldn’t figure out how coffee fits into strange machine with all steam coming out of it. A couple of 2nd degree burns later, “I wonder if Club Erotique is hiring waitresses?”

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I’d say he is a Jiffy Lube candidate, but 1) He wouldn’t have the strength to lift a lug wrench, and 2) The Jiffy Lube people I have met are actually pretty good at what they do and are not cretinous jellyfish.

7:50 am January, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Clearly it is an enema nozzle. With a bow.

8:01 am January, 5 Douche of Hazard said...

I hope that stuff washes off.

8:39 am January, 5 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Question to all ‘bag hunters and huntresses: Is the earlobe expansion-thing on the rise or in decline?

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.It makes an occasional appearance on this site, and is so grotesque it hardly needs mocking….for it is self-referential satire/scorn if ever such existed (although one doubts its progenitors are aware of their own irony, and thereby, by ignorant delusion, deny their own post-modern mocking of their own sad existence).

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.In other words, next to the earlobe-expansion-thing (see, I don’t even know what to call it?) tatts are like wearing a letter sweater. They are genital mutilation writ large and public (try not to get excited, Rev Chad), for no other reason but to deface and disgust — thus revealing one’s own derision/loathing of oneself. (I know I’ve ranted about this before, but the whole phenomenon has me more confused than a rabbi at an Arkansas pig roast.)

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Thanks….I feel better now.

8:47 am January, 5 Choad The Douche Sprocket said...

Oh yes….and also: When girls are banging dudes with ears more stretched out than Kim Kardarshian’s vagina, are they thinking “Gawd…that mutilated earlobe is SO f*cking SEXY!”????

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.I figured @Medusa or @NancyDreuche would know….

8:55 am January, 5 jonezy said...

she’s gonna regret that when she’s fat in about 5 years and people wonder why she has an big ass lollipop tattooed on her rolls.

8:56 am January, 5 tall guy said...

He has calamari ring ear lobes. I don’t know what the most attention seeking thing that a douche wears, but whatever is the most, those calamari ear lobes run a close second.

9:12 am January, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Choad: on the rise, according to the BBC. What do people see it in it? Dunno. But what I can tell you is once some sort of body mod goes mainstream, there is an understandable desire for those who look to mods to demonstrate their individuality to up the anti over the casual modder. But it’s a sneech-like vicious cycle, of course. If you ask me, sneetches are demonstrably smarter than humans, having already learned their lesson.

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And just look at the lobe runner… could there be any better example that lobe gauging is mainstream than hispano-gilligan here? Now if you got yours 5 years ago when they were still considered primitive, edgy, and unique, you are doubtless paging through back issues of Nat Geo looking to be out in front of the next big trend. Might I suggest penis inverting??

9:20 am January, 5 tall guy said...

“could there be any better example that lobe gauging is mainstream than hispano-gilligan here?”

BA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Well done you, Dude McCrudeshoes.

9:27 am January, 5 Vin Douchal said...

RE: Ear lobe stretchy thing phenomenom

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I am going to place the blame squarely on the Inland Empire. The entire cycle riding (Motor- or Bi-) douchebag culture starts with the Metal Mullisha out of southern Riverside county , a group of daredevils that are truly talented at riding.

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However , like the pirates out to sea for weeks at time , crushing boredom between rides and at night led them to find ways to kill the time. Tattoing sleeves, legs, necks and even faces was cool until they ran out of available space, duh…..

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Then came “plugs”. With patience and time, the ear lobe can be manipulated like Champagne Katie’s meat curtains by my purple domed monster. The gauge can be increased to whatever the wearer can bear.

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It is so mainstream that waiters, mechanics, even some minor white-collar guys ( i.e. rental car clerks, escrow office assistants and cell phone techs at legit places like Verizon have been spotted by yours truly) have the piercing, but wear fleshtone pieces to “close the hole” at work

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It has spread north here, almost skipping L.A. , almost. Now my buddies in Bakersfield are deluged with this look on their local scrote populations.

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How does a kid from Bakersfield with a live fastball like Brandon League go from this

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to this?:

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Too much down time, I say. Get these idle hands doing something

9:30 am January, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@tall guy, I aim to please.

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Totally unrelated, but this story about an art critic struggling to find the right words made me giggle:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45881755/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/#.TwXXtlaa8qM

9:31 am January, 5 Vin Douchal said...

I’m thinking them photos didn’t post…

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Brandon League, normal:

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Douchenozzle, lunatic and permanently scarred with no chance at a life in broadcasting after baseball:

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9:38 am January, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

That thar is a douchebag, Vin. I gotta say that there is an ever so slight smarminess in the pre-douche photo that warned of his douche potential. I also gotta say that the mullet is most unfortunate.

9:58 am January, 5 tall guy said...

I don’t know the guy but agree with your comment regarding photo number one, Dude McCrudeshoes. The sad thing of course being, it could’ve gone either way.

10:07 am January, 5 Steve said...

Geroge Carlin said that eventually people will just sew live animals onto their bodies to share their bloodstream.

11:28 am January, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Little fucknut just looks happy that he had the opportunity to touch the bleeth.

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Oh and the ear lobe thingy… The Mrs and I went to Starchucks a few weeks ago and one of the baristas (female?) had her(?) lobes so stretched out my dog could jump through them. From our house. Which is about a mile away from the place. And then I looked down and I saw we were both standing in the fuccen thing. Too bad I don’t own golf spikes…

1:50 pm January, 5 C.G. said...

the every-man tattoo artist douche checklist: blown out ear lobes; big, flat-billed hat pulled over ears; hand tats; neck tats. this one almost gets a pass for wearing a sleeved shirt and showing no chin fung.

3:14 pm January, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Choad, I don’t bang dudes with more holes than me. If you want a list of my other deal breakers I would be happy to oblige.

5:56 pm January, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

The giant ear holes. Blecch. Basically it’s like Vin explained. We take this thing called a taper, we lube it up and push it through the earlobe. The hole stretches, and we pop in the new jewelry. Then you wait two months, come back and do it again. It’s basically like butt-raping someone. They start off with a wee pinkie finger in there, and after a year, they’re taking the mambo black snake. It’s fuccen ridick-ulous, and it’s on the rise. Young kids aged 12 and so are doing it, and their fuccen overindulgent parents are bringing them in to have it done. The bad news is, once they get so big, they don’t go back. You have to have them scraped raw with a big nasty rasp and then have then sutured. If you take the jewelry out, your earlobes look like a withered-up, blown out cat cloaca.

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Mr. Biscotti has them and I hate it. He’s up to a 14mm, roughly the diameter of a dime, and it fuccen irks me. I told him if he goes any bigger he can GTFO because I’ll be damned if I can peer through someone’s earlobe to see the television while I eat.

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Cloacas

7:30 pm January, 5 Stephanie said...

I think that key should be three times as large as that one but with a larger bow….what door does that fit dumbass?

And that girl giving a thumbs up isn’t much smarter either.

Oh,it’s the end of civilization as we know it.

4:25 am January, 6 Nostradouchus said...

Ribcage tat makes another appearance I see. These taints are so original.

5:24 am January, 9 CB Popped said...

Holy shit, the things you miss when you take a few days off from this site.

The plethora of Douche as we head into 2012 is absurd.