Friday, January 13, 2012

No More Dr. Douchebag

Angry Heather recants her previous missive:

—-

Dear DB1,

First, I would like thank you for posting the picture I submitted of my exboyfriend and I a few weeks ago, it is an honor that my photo made the cuts to be worthy of being published and I really appreciate it. I do love your website so much and I was shocked that it even made it up.

Unfortunately, I really wasn’t in the right state of mind when I submitted my bagicide letter and photo and would like you to take it down. I feel really badly but neither of us can take the beatdown (& I also don’t want to end up getting sued.)

You are the best, your website is #1 and I will always appreciate how kind it was of you to think my exboyfriend is one douched out jackass, so thank you, it makes me feel good in so many ways.

I will continue to frequent your site and get good laughs when I’m looking for something funny on the internet. Take care and keep the good postings coming. I’ll be a fan forever.

-Heather

————

Easy come. Easy Botox.

# posted by douchebag1
9:28 am January, 13 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Speaking as lawyer

Douchebag can’t sue anyone

For anything true

9:33 am January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Dear Heather: We do like it when people can see the error of their ways. If you’re not familiar with our fan fave Four Points, look him up on here. He is a beacon of inspiration to us all. And, while I’m a burning acidic cunt, I do like to see people do well in life, and if I serve a purpose on this earth, it is to show people how not to act. Anyway, I’m glad you had second thoughts about the whole thing. Getting revenge sounds like fun but it always comes back to bite you in the ass somehow. I never consider that part either, and it took a few decades of being a vengeful little prick before I figured out how to just let shit go.

.

Anyway, 100 points to you for not sending in a demand, a threat or other nastiness to get the pic taken down. DB1 is a reasonable man and all you need to do is ask. Good work on just asking nicely and not throwing a fit like most people. There is nothing more admirable than being able to admit a wrong, especially in front of others. Good on ya. Don’t forget this experience, these things are very, very useful in life, even if they’re painful. Anyway, no hard feelings to you, you proved that you’ve got some brains and an ability to admit your failings and I admire and respect that. Good on you, Heather, and good luck in future endeavors. In our twisted, dickish way, we’re glad we could help.

9:34 am January, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

“Oh shit! You mean actions have consequences? Uh…well… then take the picture down. Yeah… Maybe I didn’t think this through. Hmmmmmm….Naw, I do it again as soon as the one I’m banging now dumps my ass too.”

9:35 am January, 13 Dewey Douch'em & How said...

Speaking as a Lawyer, anyone can sue anyone for anything, true or not. Whether you can prevail is another question entirely. DB1 can tell you all about that. Right DB?

Given then way Heather was slapped around by this crew, you gotta hand it to her. And, by hand it to her, I mean with a 10 foot pole.

9:35 am January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

And so it has come to pass. As it was written, so it has been done.

.

Anyway, I hope Heather realizes her original letter reflected more poorly on her than her ex, and this is not just fear of legal action talking. If she has truly seen the light, then she’s OK in my book. Who hasn’t fantasized about embarrassing someone who jilted them? Love’em or hate’em now though, I think if you loved someone once, you owe them enough loyalty even after the love is gone not to use your intimate knowledge of them to go after them publicly. Unless it’s with a nine iron.

9:37 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

Yay! I guess. I’m not really sure who won this one. Heather, it was a pleasure to use your letter as a means to start next level shit betwixt the baghunters. Continue to drink beer from bottles but maybe go easy on the hair dye from bottles. Also my advice on dating a proctologist next still stands. Have a great day.

.

The accompanying photo of a douche choking his chickenhead is quite unsettling on this Friday morn. But pretty typical.

9:38 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

The best revenge for Heather would be if Dr Douchebag gets sued for botching an attempted ski-slope-nose rhinoplasty on a 16 year old dillitant by making her look like Mickey Rourke on a 5 day meth and gin bender .

.

Other than that, take Medusa’s warning/experience to heart. Looks are temporary, just check out the recent photos of Heather Locklear, yikes .

.

Moral of the story: There are no winners when Db1 posts a letter to the editor

.

9:41 am January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Dewey, Yep, you can sue for anything, even if you know you have no grounds. This is especially true when you know the person on the other end will be crushed by the expense of mounting a defense. There is good reason to fear the scales of blind justice… she has tendency to load one scale up with money, and stick the other one up your arse.

9:45 am January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Isn’t that Grover McPocolypse strangling a gleeful co-ed who is just happy to have the attention of someone with 8-pack abs, even if it means being lifted up by the throat?

9:47 am January, 13 Jeet Kune Douche said...

@Medusa Oblongata

Yo MO – I disagree. Revenge is delicious. It’s better than sex, even.

Angry Heather – I enjoyed your missive immensely. Please post here on a regular basis.

9:51 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Jeet Kune, its even more delicious when served with a plate of I Told You So. And a side of In Your Face.

9:58 am January, 13 Geoffrey said...

the douche: “Heather, I will give you a free round of botox if you contact db1 and have him take our picture off his site”

Heather: “Free????”

10:01 am January, 13 YA said...

Unsurprising, Heather. Unsurprising.

10:08 am January, 13 Wedgie said...

Heather: I am still awaiting that invitation for cocktails. Why haven’t you contacted me? I am crushed.

Love Forever,

Wedgie

PS: Yes, I am willing to get a blood test.

10:11 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Wedgie, make sure her ex gets her new cans first, so you dont end up paying for them. I know how you like to roll with the fakies.

10:23 am January, 13 Hermit said...

Nice work Heather. I echo Medusa’s sentiments and applaud your ability to see the error of your ways. Once you hit send or submit there is no turning back. You can’t un-ring a bell or squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube.

The interwebz is a jungle we must think carefully before we post .

.

An example:

.

Like many of us, I am concerned about the future of our culture, and after writing my 2011 dissertation concerning “The Greatest Crisis of Modernity,” the Bathroom Self-portrait has become a trend I continue to follow.

I came upon the following picture, which at first seemed like a nice pic of some prime upwardly mobile, young jiggle-breasts. But upon closer inspection, the hormonally-challenged subject appears to have a frightening boy-‘stash, and more importantly, failed to prepare the backdrop for her portrait by overlooking a clogged and shit-loaded toilet.

Again, THINK and prepare before you post.

.

.

.

“Mustached Girl with Feces”

10:31 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Hermit, Mustached Girl with Feces would be an excellent band name.

10:31 am January, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Sung to that Alice Cooper classic “No More Mr. Nice Guy”:
.
I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing
Before he dumped my ass
I supported him all through med school
Now I lack all class
I got no friends ’cause they read this site
They can’t be seen with me
And I’m gettin’ real shot down
And I’m feelin’ mean
.
No more Dr. Douchebag
Now I’m Heather Bleeeeth
No more Dr. Douchebag
I’m pissed that he’s dumped meee
.
I got no friends ’cause they read the papers
They can’t be seen with me
And I’m feelin’ real shot down
And I’m gettin’ mean
.
No more Dr. Douchebag
Now I’m Heather Bleeeeth
No more Dr. Douchebag
I’m pissed that he’s dumped meee
.
I tried to get revenge today
on DB1’s cool site
I expected everyone to comfort me
But they were really snide
I got the picture taken down
with a poorly punctuated run-on email
So now I found another sucker and more free Botox
.
No more Dr. Douchebag
Now I’m Heather Bleeeeth
No more Dr. Douchebag
I’m pissed that he’s dumped meee

10:35 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

Gah !!!, that chick is gross, nevermind the pile floating in the background. I wouldn’t fuck her with Godzilla’s dick.

.

Thanks, Hermit, at last I know my gag reflex is in top shape

10:50 am January, 13 schlicht bindenburger said...

when being sued it is a good thing to have a sit down with the plaintiffs counsel and explain that if he/she persists with the the action that he/she may end up in the forest tied to a tree with a dead salmon strapped to their neck. it worked for me!!

10:57 am January, 13 hermit said...

Maybe i should have titled that:

.

“Bro-na Lisa”

10:58 am January, 13 hermit said...

“Whistler’s Floater”

10:58 am January, 13 hermit said...

“Shitty Night”

11:00 am January, 13 hermit said...

“The Last (nights) Supper”

11:13 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Jessie’s Swirl”

11:14 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Girls Just Want to Pinch Loaves”

11:14 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Every Plop You Take”

11:16 am January, 13 Eponymous Douche said...

Holy Jeebus, I feel like I’m in a Disney movie with all these responses…

.

Life lesson? Here’s one: It sucks. People don’t change. I give Heather about five seconds before she does something else that’s all dumb and cunty. Good luck Heather. hell, you’re blond so maybe you will find that sugar papi after all. Go Cuban, they’re less discriminating in their tastes.

.

(tic, if anyone was wondering…except for the dumb and cunty part.)

11:16 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Stenchmo in the Wind”

11:17 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

Here I Go Again

11:20 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Miami Slice”

11:21 am January, 13 icame isaw idouched said...

I’d like to choke the life out of this bastard!

11:21 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Plug My Nose Before You Go-Go”

11:21 am January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Hermit, I insist you put that toothpaste back in the tube. But you can all breath easy. The image was last processed by photoshop, and not a digital camera.

11:25 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Another Brick In The Loo”

11:27 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Smells Like Bean Spirit”

11:29 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“U Can’t Fulsh This”

11:30 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Heart-Shaped Tube”

11:31 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

“Poop! (There It Is)”

11:32 am January, 13 hermit said...

“American Goth-yechhh”

11:34 am January, 13 hermit said...

“Doo doo doo, what came out my back door?”

11:37 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Epon Douche, I know the lesson I always come away with after one of these Dear DB1, “I never went to the Nancy Dreuche School of Getting Payback so I have to do it this way” letters, is that I’m still a lovable asshole and I just get better with age. Thanks again Heather for your letters.

11:39 am January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

“Poo On The Water, Mustache on this Guy?”

11:43 am January, 13 Vin Douchal said...

Okay pretty much covered the 80’s and 90’s..

.

For the Rev:

.

Mr. White , Live in Concert :

.

11:54 am January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I was expecting a little more outrage over armpit-flavored-granola rasta-douche Grover McPocolypse strangulating clueless giggle hotts while displaying the unequivocal sign of bi-seriousness, the frenulum tickling toungue stud.

12:03 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes 11:54a, the chick is smiling. Stephanie said she would hit it. And I dont think she meant with her fist. Personally, I think hes gross. But I’m pretty sure they did it right after this pic was taken.

12:04 pm January, 13 hermit said...

“Black Log”

12:05 pm January, 13 hermit said...

“When the Plunger Breaks”

12:10 pm January, 13 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Nancy, smiling, or asphyxia induced euphoria? You and I both know you can’t shrug off the mock because the bleeth appears to be enjoying it. That’s like giving a baby crack cuz they seem to like it.

12:30 pm January, 13 DarkSock said...

“One Turd Over The Line”

12:31 pm January, 13 DarkSock said...

“I’m Too Sexy (For This Shit)” by Shite Said Fred

12:32 pm January, 13 DarkSock said...

“Who Let The Logs Out? (POOP -POOP-POOP!)”

12:32 pm January, 13 DarkSock said...

“Big Log” by Robert Plant

12:33 pm January, 13 DarkSock said...

“You Shit Me All Night Long”

12:34 pm January, 13 DarkSock said...

“My Pooper Face”

12:35 pm January, 13 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes, so crack is bad for babies. Whew, that was a close one. Okay fine, You suck Hippy McTongueringforpeen! Skeedaddle so one of these gents from this place can bang your girlfriend! And cut your hair while you’re at it. Bob Marley called…holy shit Bob Marley called me. This is some strong chronic.

12:36 pm January, 13 Wheezer said...

As others have noted, yeah, the pic here is of Scrote-ver.

.

The stench emanating from his unwashed cap alone is overwhelming.

12:39 pm January, 13 DarkSock said...

Hermit 12:05 , “When The Plunger Breaks”, ftw…

.

What Zep riff can top that?

.

.

.

Ass-Smear?

.

Whole Lotta Logs?

.

Boogie with Poo

.

In My Time of Pooping

.

Misty Mountain Plop…

.

.

.

sorry…

12:50 pm January, 13 Wheezer said...

“Feces High”

.

UP THE IRONS (and the fiber)!

12:56 pm January, 13 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Vin 10:35

.

Godzilla’s a chick.

.

The More You Know.

1:04 pm January, 13 Wheezer said...

“Here Come The Tears (‘cuz the wallpaper’s peeling)”

“Stained Ass”

“Evening Shart”

“Pain and Pleasure (AKA ‘Constipation and Ex-Lax’)”

“Turdbo(wl) Lover”

“Hard As Iron”

“Blood Red Stool” (see “Pain and Pleasure” above)

.

Now if no one were to recognize Judas Priest tracks, I’d be up Shit Creek…..

1:05 pm January, 13 Wheezer said...

The above tracks are from the “British Stool” album.

1:06 pm January, 13 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sylvia’s Udder?

1:07 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Poo Minutes To Midnight

1:09 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Stray Crap Strut

1:09 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Magical Mystery Turd

1:09 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Brown Submarine

1:10 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Kick Start My Shart

1:12 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Turd Is The Word

1:13 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Brown Sugar

.

.

Sorry.

1:14 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Great Balls Of Feces

1:14 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

Route 60-Shit

1:15 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

I Can’t Help Falling In Log With Poo

1:16 pm January, 13 Medusa Oblongata said...

AND….

Poo Colors by Cyndi Plopper

.

Thank you and goodnight.

5:20 pm January, 13 Stephanie said...

This site is hilarious today. I haven’t anything to contribute,other than “When the Plunger Breaks”,could actually be a good song.

5:57 pm January, 13 Wedgie said...

Stephanie, don’t sell yourself short.

Send pics.

5:58 pm January, 13 Wedgie said...

PS:

Coining the phrase “weepsterbate” is like winning a major in golf. You get an exemption for 10 years.

7:32 pm January, 13 Nostradouchus said...

Leave up the picture, just cut out the good doc. She deserves more mock.

8:32 pm January, 13 Guid is Good said...

Heather, I suppose a blow job is out of the question?

10:11 pm January, 13 The Dude said...

For some god awful reason, MO’s Brown Submarine gets my vote.

.

Not the vehicle itself, rather the – aww godd, is that what you thot?

8:50 pm January, 16 Bret Easton Douchis said...

Heather, darling, sit down and have a mojito.

.

Time for a little heart-to-heart.

.

Flaming someone on HCWDB is something you do ONLY when you find out “Mr. Bad Boy” is actually who is Douche Signifiers told you he was. You do it, ashamed that you were once blind, but now you see…

.

Flaming someone on HCWDB just because he moved on to a younger model of Gold-digger is NOT right.

.

It actually looks worse on you than on him.

.

Your behaviour is well documented on websites patrolled by MGTOW rage-crippled nerds and misfits. They can send you the rules for the proper way to Gold-dig, if you must persist.

.

For now, understand the rules, if you persist in these kinds of sexual-financial transactions…

.

Now go buy some new shoes, to make the pain go away…

.

…and I’ll be telling everyone what a bitch you are the minute you leave here…

.

Yours,

Uncle Brett.

6:22 am January, 17 CB Popped said...

I wonder what Champagne Katie’s rectal polyp thinks about all of this…

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