Thursday, January 12, 2012

Reader Mail: Atlanta Herpsters and Viral T-Shirt Mutation

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DB1-

Greetings and salutations from Atlanta.

I’m sending this note due to a section of Atlanta the cools kids refer to as “East Atlanta Village” or EAV.

Basically, EAV is a breeding ground for the Hipster Douchebag or Herpster as I think you’re now calling them. Anyway, it’s like Urban Outfitters mated with American Apparel and had a bunch of v-neck t-shirt wearing, non-functional-glasses sporting, my-beard-is-ironic, no-I-don’t-know-what-ironic-means, ew-you-smoke-Marlboro-Reds f#ckwits.

It’s enough to make you heave, but the restaurants are cheap and usually sport some library hottness, so my friend and I usually suck it up and wade into a sea of pastel-striped skinny jeans just to ogle at Anjelica serving our beers.

I came across this: a website selling angled-V and reverse-V t-shirts which makes me think that while the douchebag still exists, the Herpster is multiplying in droves. I submit for your approval/disdain: Zona By Peter V as I weep for Atlanta.

– Sherman’s Arch

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The “Back V” may be the douchiest clothing innovation since they started silkscreening Jesus bling. Yech. Well worth monitoring in 2012 for raging lubous heinosity. Good work S.A., and send in pics of some Georga Hotts making lemonade.

# posted by douchebag1
11:16 am January, 12 antwar said...

Neck tats, heavy bling and a Sade Tshirt. Oh the irony.

11:17 am January, 12 Wedgie said...

Wow, that’s a couple of ugly dudes right there.

11:21 am January, 12 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Arch your back a bit more, honey.

That way the douche won’t rub up against your tuck.

11:24 am January, 12 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

I’s be wadin’ in ta the comfy confines of Hot-lanta next week. Glad to now know what neighborhood to avoid….and what shirts not to wear.

.

.

Somewhere, Robert E. Lee weeps.

11:25 am January, 12 fatness said...

Isn’t one of the qualifiers for being “hott” that your gut shall not extend beyond the outward limits of your tits?

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Slim pickin’s here today.

11:30 am January, 12 Jacques Doucheteau said...

You should go to SE Portland, OR sometime.

11:32 am January, 12 General William Tecumseh Sherman said...

We could’ve had flamethrowers. We could have used incendiary canister shot. But noooooooo. What did we go with? Torches. Fucking torches. We could have stayed and been an occupying force but that pussy Lincoln wanted “reconstruction”. All this never would have been allowed to happen had we done things my way.

11:35 am January, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The only, I mean the ONLY, legit way of getting a back V-neck is to accidentally rip your favorite vintage Japanese Popkiller T-shirt down the neck doing something manly like bull wresting or catching a great white shark for dinner; then in the wee hours next morning you pick that T-shirt up off the floor of some hot chick’s apartment whose name you don’t know, and who you spent all night banging, and accidentally put your torn T-shirt on inside out and backwards.

11:37 am January, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This guy is a mish-mash of Hipster-Gangster-Favre bag.

I believe his date was photographed in an unfortunate pose and is really an atttractive Mulatto.

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His dad and Hootie Johnson do not approve.

.

To paraphrase Hootie. ” Damn you Tiger Woods.”

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Uncle Toms

11:48 am January, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Mayan wink of coitus here can dip that pooch in honey and peppermint oil and use it to rub down my aching shoulders while I sip caipirinhas.

11:49 am January, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Hipster-Gangster-Favre bag FTW.

11:54 am January, 12 Wedgie said...

Hey Fatness:

I’m pretty sure another qualifier to be considered a Hot Chick is the lack of a penis. So this contestant is dq’d.

.

.

Next.

12:12 pm January, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This song is on the gay side but I’m pretty sure it got me some tail in my 79′ Thunderbird in the 80’s. It might have also given me my Mulatto addiction. But I like them a little more high yellow, I hope that is PC OK. But I really don’t fucking care cause it’s a snow day and I got a basement full of screaming pre-teens and a dude shovelling the driveway they all got the giggles for. So fuck me.

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12:15 pm January, 12 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck I’m drink.

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12:53 pm January, 12 Wedgie said...

Rev, it makes me proud that you are not afraid to embrace your inner gay man. All fuccen Canadians should be more like you.

12:54 pm January, 12 Wedgie said...

^Even though your URLs are consistently malformed.

12:59 pm January, 12 RAPETIME said...

Two Guys, One Cup.

1:00 pm January, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

As moonlight creeps through the few scattered scratches in the blacked-out windows, McCrude paces the floor of his Black Cathedral. Ethereal wisps of grey smoke waft up from the reagents scattered across an alchemical table, never quite dispersing. A pentagram is carved deeply into the black wood. Amidst the items set upon the table, eyes float sightlessly in yellowing viscous liquids, course black hairs smolder in a shallow stone bowl, while other malign substances give of the portentous rancor of corruption.

.

Opposite the table, a curiously large leather-bound tome sits open on a podium of rough-hewn oak. The leather is haphazardly stitched and still smells sourly of the animal, if it was indeed an animal, from which it was taken. A few hairs remain in the leather as well, and if you were brave enough to look closely, you might find the merest hint of a tattoo. The pages of the open book are indecipherable. Odd diagrams are composed of interlocking circles and arcs, with a tight looping script marching along each circumference, inside and out, like ants on a hill. In the margins another hand, though still unintelligible, has made notes in dark brownish-red ink.

.

Between the podium and the table is a box. A coffin. It is so old the pine slats that it was once made from have caved in upon themselves. Between the decaying slats you can glimpse white bones and scraps of blue fabric.

.

McCrude stops his pacing and begins to speak directly to the coffin on the floor. “Sherman,” he whispers, “I have a task for you. They have rebuilt Atlanta…”

1:02 pm January, 12 FredN. said...

Chad Kroeger’s continued attempts to strike comedic gold with racist patter on the interwebs is the equivalent of playing this clip on repeat ad infinitum:

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http://youtu.be/3usri-UD9lk

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(don’t have html or even cut and paste skills so that link may not work)

1:16 pm January, 12 Nostradouchus said...

O.G.s like FUPAs.

2:11 pm January, 12 Vin Douchal said...

@ FredN

I clicked around the Wiffle Ball action on that youtube page. It was aweseome<br.

.

.

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Pasty asses

3:05 pm January, 12 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Dude

.

Will stop “borrowing” my fuccen books?! I need them to teach classes, ya know. Everything in them is written in English, it’s just that my handwriting is that bad. Oh, and don’t take out my “bookmarks”. Something bad may or may not happen to you. Just sayin’.

3:50 pm January, 12 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Mixing of the races is unseemly. And by that I mean Klingon and Human.

5:39 pm January, 12 tall guy said...

The Back V is new to me. It’s horrible!

5:39 pm January, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

I miss this guy like the rain forest misses the rain. Any Sade fans out there?

5:48 pm January, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Dr. Bunsen, I got it at the Borders closeout. I still have your ceremonial pinking shears though. Shall I send Ingrid over with them?

5:55 pm January, 12 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Dreuche, I love deSade! Are you team Justine or team Juliette?

6:23 pm January, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

@McCrudeshoes, you would. Every chapter ends in an orgy. And I would have to say based on the last couple of years I’m on team Justine. All virtue and none of the fun. Wooo.

6:30 pm January, 12 Stephanie said...

Yeah,I’d be crying permanently with a shirt on like that too…

7:49 pm January, 12 DarkSock said...

I fucken hate Hipsters. Even more than douchebags.

.

I really, really do.

8:01 pm January, 12 onemoredouche said...

that dude is the ultimate douche. white kid from the burbs with a neck tats tats about bein a thug

…he’s pro-skateboarder Jereme Rodgers

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2085450/Jereme-Rogers-Pro-skateboarder-blames-naked-hotel-rampage-anti-hangover-pills.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

7:49 am January, 13 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Dude

.

Yes, send Ingrid. Those shears have some DNA on them that may incriminate me. For a crime I had someone else commit. In Florida.

10:36 am January, 13 Southern Scrotic said...

‘Pro’ Skateboarder makes as much sense as ‘Pro’ pedophile.

11:14 am January, 14 Wheezer said...

Oddly, the teardrop tatt is an homage to his parents.

2:21 pm January, 16 Geoffrey said...
3:55 pm January, 16 Hermit said...

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