Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Reader Mail: Lena's Cry For Help from Fratland

Lena writes in with a Fratbrosephus self-tag:

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Subject: help

rescue me please!

——

I’d like to help, Lena, I really would, as you are tasty blonde perky spank. But there’s just too many Fratbags making references to Dane Cook and Bud Light Lime jello shots to counter without a firehose and a large polo mallet.

# posted by douchebag1
9:48 am January, 24 Hurl Scheibe said...

These guys are soiling poor Lena. Take them to the Hague.

9:49 am January, 24 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Uh, Lena? Why the hell are you smiling in this picture? Asking for help while posing like this is akin to saying “I don’t do full frontal nudity” on a porn set. Really?

9:51 am January, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

I will save you Lena! You can sit on my couch and I’ll take your spot. It will be like Freaky Friday except without the lesbian angle. The original Freaky Friday with Jodie Foster of course.

9:52 am January, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

What’s wrong with Dane Cook references?

10:07 am January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

Don’t say ‘frat’, you wouldn’t call your country a….

But, seriously. Are all fraternities the same? Are you sure?

Was there no A E Pi where you went to school?

10:19 am January, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I hate Dane Cook. But these guys don’t look all that dangerously douche. I dig the flannel shirt and jeans and blazer deal. Cause that’s the only way I wear pants.

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On a related note, after FredL’s protestesees. I went into a deep period of reflection about Mulatto’s and shit. And I decided that the closest to my ideal woman is Alicia Keys, a shade lighter. Just saying. I love the dark sisters and the asian sisters and the blonde sisters. I like the East Asian sisters on a very select basis. And by select I mean bombless. And FredN or L I love you too man.

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Son

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I got a new skateboard in the mail. Stoked.

10:24 am January, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

I love when Rev Chad digs deep and waxes philosophical and shit. Brings this place closer together. In a totally consensual way of course. Is it an original Tommy Hawk board RevChad? Cuz that would be dope.

10:31 am January, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Gah, you step foot in a club and you get what you deserve, Lena.

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Unless I’m reading this wrong and you’re a model/volunteer at a hairdresser’s competition.

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Everyone in this photo looks a wee bit fey

10:34 am January, 24 melvil_duchi said...

motherpusbucket

10:35 am January, 24 Mr. White said...

@doucheweasel

You raise a good point. I have studied fraternities, and I’ve found that there can be as much variation as plus or minus 0.001% on date rape frequencies and plus or minus 0.05% homo-eroticism, corrected for inflation, of course.

10:43 am January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

@Mr White

By studying, do you mean this blog only?

My experiences have been greatly different – as president of my chapter and through my involvement in student govt.

That said. I love the mockery on this site, but grow weary of persistent targeting and stereotyping of fraternities.

But your commentary reverberates what I heard from the whiter-than-white retro garb-wearing hipsters hanging out at the campus coffee shop with the Macs that mommie and daddy paid for and whining about The Man. I guess you can do that when you are a liberal arts major (it’s like training for what they will be doing after graduation).

🙂

Hugs ‘n’ kisses.

10:45 am January, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Lena looks a little like porn star McKenzie Miles.

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Ever seen Lena and Mckenzie Miles in the same room at the same time? Hmmm?

10:45 am January, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

This pic reminds me of the new Planet of the Apes movie I watched over the weekend. Actually when I was watching it I also thought of you guys. And then my brain melted at the metaness of it all. It’s amazing I’m still here today. Lena seriously, we’ll do it like the wrestlers do and switch out, they either high five or bump fists or something. I haven’t talked Yellowcard and played beer pong in awhile. It would be good to freshen up.

10:45 am January, 24 Vin Douchal said...

10:48 am January, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Lena is quite content in this picture. She just wanted to see her cute little mug on the interwebs and score some comments on her looks. Next time, precious, call Bangbros.

10:51 am January, 24 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Lena looks way way too happy to be getting all the attention from the pack of attractive college guys who happen to be in greek social organization. So you’ll be getting no saving. Call us if Gynochin, Smoot and Crosshair McJohnson have you cornered in a stall in the men’s room at some club.

10:57 am January, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

These don’t even look like particularly virulent fratbags. Where is all the hazing, puking, and date raping? Where is this, Brigham Young?

11:24 am January, 24 Anonymous said...

Dude @ 10:48 nailed it. This little Lena is having way too much fun. Posing willingly, smiling, even being smooched on the cheek. Not buying your ‘distress’, chica. Apparently you don’t see what happens to the girls who turn to us for affirmation. It’s like turning to a coke dealer for some vitamins.

11:25 am January, 24 Anonymous said...

For some reason, the sign-in is not showing up here. Perhaps the absence of the world ‘cunt’ concealed my Gorgony identity.

11:26 am January, 24 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ah, there it is. WTF?

11:33 am January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

The pasting of HTML with a link to the pic of some porn star created an incomplete div tag and jacked up how this page displays.

11:35 am January, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I knew that was you, Medusa. You need a sig like Schwarzenegger needs a Terminator T-Shirt. I was still looking forward to your own scathing commentary, though.

11:36 am January, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Vin finally broke the internet.

11:41 am January, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

Sweet. I finally posted an ass pic in my comments. Hahahaha! I’m one of the elite! And I didn’t even have to blow anyone.

11:43 am January, 24 Vin Douchal said...

I didn’t close my center thingy

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From here it will stop

11:44 am January, 24 Vin Douchal said...

I mean

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from here

11:49 am January, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Ooops , I did break the internet

12:04 pm January, 24 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

I think its the solar storm and all that bombarding radiation. And shit.

12:04 pm January, 24 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

I wasted 2 1/2 years of my youth in a fraternity….and outgrew them before I was 21.

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Everything about them was social Darwinism in action, a race to the bottom with a bunch of good ole boys destined to remain that way until called to that great bourbon distillery in the sky.

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.If any Sigma Nus from Vanderbilt University in the early 70s are reading this, you were a bunch of racist, sexist, drunken, stupid, fratbags then….who, I’m sure, have raised a bunch of stupid, red-state, sexist, alcoholic, know-nothing, fratbag, future middle-managers now….

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….just the sort Lena (above) enjoys breeding with.

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.Her cry for help is more hollow than a Kanye West apology.

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Santorums

12:15 pm January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

Choad

You were in college in the early 70s and you read and comment on this blog?

Don’t you have a job and a family?

12:16 pm January, 24 Steve said...

Hot chicks like this should make a WTF face or something similar when taking pictures with douchebags like this. It would be funny. Also, her plea for help doesn’t sound genuine. it sounds like she likes being in the presence of these guys and is only saying that to get a rise out of us. The same way hot chicks whine “I hate when people say I look like…::insert random hot celebrity here::” Shut up bitch. You know you love it when people say you look like someone famous, so stop calling even more attention to yourself and enjoy it while it lasts. Because chances are, whatever hottie you look like now, she’s probably gonna age a lot better than you will.

12:19 pm January, 24 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

@DoucheWeasel – This blog is the greatest time-waster on the interwebs…and deserves to be much more famous than it is….

12:23 pm January, 24 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

….among all ages.

12:58 pm January, 24 Wheezer said...

So DoucheWeasel likes the mocking here except for the part that offends him.

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Where have we heard this before?

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– Wheezer, duly initiated member of Sigma Pi…..yet one who recognizes wankscrotery wherever it exists

1:04 pm January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

It’s not that it offends me, I’m just getting tired of the same default stereotype. It’s hackneyed and tiresome.

And the guys in this photo look like GDIs at any party school, JC or trade college. There is not even anything particularly wankscrotal (?) about them. It’s a bit of a stretch in this case.

A bit more insidious is the promulgation of a one-dimensional thinking.

Go Captain Kangaroo!

1:43 pm January, 24 Wedgie said...

I was in a fraternity at SDSU in the early 1980’s. It was fun, from what I can remember. Although I did awaken in a pool of my own vomit on at least one occasion. Plus dropped acid for the first (and only) time.

On a more positive note, I got crabs twice from screwing around with some of the Alpha Phi’s in the adjacent house.

So I learned a few things, like you can’t kill crabs by shaving off half your pubes, lighting them on fire, and stabbing the little fuccers with an ice pick as they run from the flames.

PS:

In the interest of fairness and equality, please post more pics of Mulatto’s.

Thank You.

1:44 pm January, 24 Geoffrey said...

This isn’t you by any chance is it, DoucheWeasel?

1:46 pm January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

Geoffrey,

I do not have a youtube channel.

2:04 pm January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

…but now we know what kinds of things you look for on the web. 😉

3:49 pm January, 24 Wedgie said...

Lena’s subsequent cries for help were a bit muffled.

5:08 pm January, 24 Douchble Helix said...

Hey! The input box is way over to the left!!

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Doucheweasel, there’s no one checking IDs here. Kapisch?

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And I’m already bored by your frathouse stories. Please, try to pick it up.

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Pledges.

5:17 pm January, 24 Guid is Good said...

Younger John Travolta in the front is smiling at the odds of getting some gay tail tonight.

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Centre Justifoids.

6:34 pm January, 24 Nostradouchus said...

This is painful.

8:27 pm January, 24 DoucheWeasel said...

Helix

Are you trying to say ‘capisce’?….

’cause it hurts my ears when you do it….

9:04 pm January, 24 DarkSock said...

all your wordpress are belong to us

9:32 pm January, 24 Wedgie said...

Way to ruin the internet, Vin Gore.

5:54 am January, 25 Douchble Helix said...

Much better, Doucheweasel!

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But no, this has nothing to do with any Chevy vehicles.

10:36 am January, 25 DoucheWeasel said...

HA!

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