Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Ask DB1: Pre-Grieco Viral Infectors?

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DB1,

We say that douchebags are infected with the “Grieco Virus”. Since science has shown that the AIDS virus in fact existed long before it was identified and named, is it possible that there are unrecognized precursors to the Grieco Virus?

Who if anyone pre-dates Richard Grieco as proto-douchebag?

Can a “First Douchebag” be, at least in theory, identified, just as the first AIDS victim was found to be that male steward from the 70s?

Yours as always in endless opposition to the ‘taint,

– Dan

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Excellent question Dan, and yes, there are many pre-modern viral progenitors to the Grieco Virus, although none so fully cohesive as the Grieco Itself.

One example would be Schneider the pedophile janitor from ABC’s long-running sit-nanity, One Day At a Time. Protobaggery at its worst.

# posted by douchebag1
12:29 pm February, 28 Wheezer said...

Sure there were pre-Grieco wastes of existence (AKA “douchebags”), but Grieco was their catalyst.

12:33 pm February, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I have long postulated on this very quandery Dan. While DB1 is correct in his analysis of Shneider, I do not believe that a mid 70’s Jew would work as a janitor or chase underage Shiksas. A young Italian paint store clerk however has been the subject of my painstaking research too verbose to present today because the pain is flaring up bad after watching the kids turn left and yell Go-Daddy all day. I apologize in advance.

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Now this guy is a douche and probably in the closet:

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okpCx87orOA

12:34 pm February, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Also television at it’s worst. I don’t care if it did costar a young and hott looking Jenny Craig.

1:03 pm February, 28 Medusa Oblongata said...

Ick. Schneider still makes me want to take a bath in lye, with a wire brush.

1:03 pm February, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

My own ancestor Crudicus Smarmicus was known in his day for wearing white sandals with garishly embroidered Christianicus Audigamus togas. When he modeled for mosaic portraits, he frequently threw the Bacchus Horns or Caligula’s Surprise (an early version of the Shocker) hand gestures. You might be familiar with his autobiography, which roughly translates “I just bang my concubines and revel with vinum immoderately”

1:16 pm February, 28 Vin Douchal said...

MacKenzie Phillips’ face was a reccuring nightmare in my youth as she led her werewolf pack through my town and stole my clam rake to comb her pussy fur and kil’t and et my beagle.

1:20 pm February, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Vin@1:16pm FTW.

1:22 pm February, 28 tall guy said...

So the skinny bird in maroon is Jenny Craig?

1:24 pm February, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Bonnie Franklin looks like a transvestite dressed up as Bonnie Franklin. This is a rare condition, probably only shared by Bea Arthur, where a female impersonator looks more like the actress than the actress.

1:39 pm February, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Bea Arthur was a whole lot of woman. May she rest in piss.

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Barbeaus

1:41 pm February, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Chloris Leachman was a whole lot of Jewess. May she rest in Christ.

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Blasphemers

1:41 pm February, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Mary Tyler Moore blew Ted Knight. May he rest on coccks.

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Anchorfags

1:52 pm February, 28 Vin Douchal said...

Anne-Margaret complained about Elvis’ bologna breath

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Stirrup Leggings

1:56 pm February, 28 Southern Scrotic said...

Valerie Bertinelli is still doable.

1:58 pm February, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

It goes WAY back, heck even SNL mocked back in the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_b3oPslctA

2:01 pm February, 28 Wedgie said...

Mackenzie Phillips was the daughter of Mamas & Papas member John Phillips. As I recall, she tried cocaine for the first time with her Dad.

Some kids have all the luck.

2:08 pm February, 28 tall guy said...

Yeah that Valerie Bertinelli is very doable, Southern Scrotic. Very!

2:18 pm February, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I didn’t realize it was a sitcom. I thought it was a documentary, or perhaps a cautionary tale, about 2 ugly chicks wearing Garanimals and sporting bowl cuts trying to keep a dimwitted sexual deviate handyman out of their apartment before he finally went postal and attacked the one young hot chick. It was quite chilling actually.

2:49 pm February, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Schneider is to paedophiles as this guy is to the homoerotic Coldplay. Any dude that likes a stick like Gwyneth has to enjoy NAMBLA action.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKcYGOIJhqo

3:04 pm February, 28 Douchble Helix said...

CBS, not ABC.

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Mickey Rourke. Way overlooked in the de-evolution of the d-bag.

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Pat Harrington was probably not Jewish.

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Valerie Bertinelli.

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Clitoris Leachman lives.

3:05 pm February, 28 Douchble Helix said...

^^^ sb:

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Valerie Bertinelli. [sigh].

3:19 pm February, 28 Capt. James T. Douche said...

http://www.kirkcameron.com/

Not a douche in the classical Grieco sense of the word but definitely one of the douchiest celebrities (ha!) ever!! Scott Stapp and Chad Kroeger (the real one not the good Rev!) aren’t far behind

3:21 pm February, 28 Doucheywallnuts said...

Vinny Barbarino, ProtoDouche. Clitoris Leachman has not yet acquired room temperature, much to the Rev’s chagrin. Chagrin, I says.

3:23 pm February, 28 Doucheywallnuts said...

Tony Orlando, Erik Estrada, LatinoProtoDouches.

3:25 pm February, 28 Doucheywallnuts said...

Robert Blake of Barretta fame,, ProtoDouche.

3:25 pm February, 28 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Tom Jones, permed pre-douche?

3:27 pm February, 28 Wedgie said...

President James Buchanan is in the D’bag family tree somewhere between Caligula and Grieco.

Never trust a bacheor President. It’s much more trustworthy to be married and bang one out with Monica Lewinski and a cigar.

3:28 pm February, 28 Wedgie said...

PS: Vin, that Daytona 500 sucked. Hard.

3:35 pm February, 28 tall guy said...

Rouke=Capital D Douche, dito Estrada, Scott Baio too.

3:45 pm February, 28 tall guy said...

And while on the Scotts: Scott Freakin’ Valentine who played Nick on Family Ties

4:17 pm February, 28 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Ed “Kookie” Byrnes – greased hair douche

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James “You’re tearing me apart” Dean – preening, anguished douche

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.Fabian – No talent douche

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Marlon “Get the butter” Brando – Dockworker douche

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.Frankie “Where’s My Manhood?” Avalon – Funicello douche

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.Troy Donahue – See Fabian above douche

.

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4:31 pm February, 28 tall guy said...

Scientology, by which I mean L. Ron Hubbard.

4:42 pm February, 28 tall guy said...

Plus, after a promising non-Douche start, Richard Bleedin’ Branson ultimately fell victim to the virus.

5:00 pm February, 28 Vin Douchal said...

@ Wedgie,

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The two hour delay allowed enough time to watch The Bachelor while they futzed with the scorched track. It would have been a great race if they could have just gone out and raced straight through.

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BTW, The Auto Club Speedway over here in Fontana is one of the coolest sports arenas I’ve ever been in. And I’ve been to Fenway Park, Yankee Stadium , MSG, The old Boston Garden, Wrigley Field, every SoCal venue, the old and new Baltimore baseball parks, the Miami places (the Orange Bowl is one fucced up party) amongst countless others .

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Up until I went to a NASCAR race there I had no interest whatsoever in the sport. In person it blew me away, like the time I saw in-her-prime Marg Helgenberger in person at a Steely Dan show in the mid-90’s. I would have robbed a bank for her,… so fuccen steamy hott. Fuccen steamy hott, I says

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Also saw Poppy Montgomery in Santa Monica once, but that’s a loooong story for another day. Let’s just say her nips are perpetually hard and succulent

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My second favorite arena ever is Santa Anita during the Oaktree meet in fall. The snowcapped mountains over the track view on a shirtsleeve day, Roast Beef sandwhich in the clubhouse and the greatest trainers, jockeys and horses in the world all bringing their best product for your enjoyment and a slot in the Triple Crown races. Awesome

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So in closing, fuck you, Son

5:01 pm February, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, good call on Malory’s bf from Family Ties. I totally forgot about him.

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And Dude McCrude 2:18p FTW on the breakdown of what One Day At a Time was actually about. And what about Buddy, Charles in Charge’s best friend? What a douche. And agree with Capt. JT about Kirk Cameron for “holier than thou” douche.

5:32 pm February, 28 Doucheywallnuts said...

Joey Lawrence was both a girly-haired ProtoDouche and a shaved head/balding ProtoDouche, which I believe is a one-of-kind occurrence. Do a Google on him….

5:34 pm February, 28 Doucheywallnuts said...

And I would vote a big Notta on Tom Jones.

5:37 pm February, 28 tall guy said...

I’m inclined to agree w/- wallnuts re. Jones. Although deep down I’m very shallow so if the overall consensus black balls the Welshman I’m shifting allegiance.

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Mind you, if the Dreuchinator should ever get hold of the old bugger he’ll need than cherished memories of the green, green grass of home to survive.

5:46 pm February, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’m digging my new nickname. I don’t care if its meant as an insult. Thanks gang. :)

6:11 pm February, 28 Jean-Douche Lamarck said...

Larry from Three’s Company.

6:16 pm February, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Drouche: Willie Aames. Total douche. Once claimed that he taught Phobe Cates how to act.

6:18 pm February, 28 Et Tu Douche? said...

I second the notta for Tom Jones.

6:19 pm February, 28 Morbo said...

What about Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack as pre-Grieco ‘Bags?

They were all about partying, drinking booze and bangin’ dames. They frequently hung out in Las Vegas and, I’m sure Atlantic City (the Jersey Shore). Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and Joey Bishop were from the NY/NJ area.

Maybe they’re not as slimy as Schneider, but there’s a lot of indicators there.

6:22 pm February, 28 Dan said...

How about a couple of Burts?

Convy

Reynolds

6:28 pm February, 28 Dan said...

Family Feud-era Richard Dawson, for the indiscriminate kissing of his guests?

6:36 pm February, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Morbo, I’ve been saying that the Rat Pack was super douche for awhile but I get shutdown from the other regs. Must be because a lot of them are waay older than me and blinded by nostalgia.

6:56 pm February, 28 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

How about discodouches Denny Terrio and Adriane Zmed? If nothing else, the mere though makes me want to scub with steel wool and caustic lye.

6:57 pm February, 28 Morbo said...

@Nancy: I can see both sides of it.

On the one hand, there’s all the stuff I mentioned.

On the other, it was a different era and they were the epitome of cool for that era. Plus, they weren’t wannabes like today’s douches. These guys had the ears of powerful people — mobsters, casino owners, PRESIDENTS, for God’s sake. They were the real deal.

Unfortunately, the lifestyle they lived has degenerated into the rough blueprint for today’s douche culture. So should they be considered super douche for spawning this unholy plague we now find ourselves fighting? Or do they get a pass for being from a different time, and simply enjoying the trappings of fame and success?

It’s a great thesis subject for someone seeking a Ph.D in Douche Studies.

7:47 pm February, 28 Wedgie said...

I think the Rat Pack was the height of cool at the time. Keep it in context. Those guys were making the original version of Oceans Eleven back then. Douchebags? I dunno, was JFK one too?

@Vin:

Fontucky Speedway on March 25th; see you there.

7:55 pm February, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Wedgie, If a douchebag is defined as someone who uses his power to bang hot broads while married then yes, JFK was a douchebag. But you know I’m younger than you and a woman, so what I do know? Also I don’t feel the need to get breast implants to get more attention, so seriously, what do I know?

8:13 pm February, 28 Stephanie said...

I disagree strongly,Tom Jones is douche -it’s all in the over preening,boys…whenever a guy overly preens that’s the end. It all goes to his dumb head,and they can’t think anymore. I don’t know,something happens. He turns kind of girlyman.

8:14 pm February, 28 ehcuodouche said...

I think douchebags were less offensive back then, as were the hotts. No tramp stamp on Valerie Bertanelli’s lower back – she didn’t even go all the way, though her older sister had some daddy issues. Schneider was more of a sleaze than a douche. He would not frolic, nor make obnoxious “rap” videos.

9:13 pm February, 28 Doucheywallnuts said...

Clarification on Tom Jones. Notta in his day, perhaps he became one as he got older and became a self-parody. The Rat Pack not douches, those who attempt to imitate them; total and utter douchebags.

9:31 pm February, 28 Nancy Dreuche said...

^case in point. This type of argument will be the equivalent of the giving.a pass to the Johnas Bros, Justin Timberlake and the Biebs. Sad really. I guess each generation needs its heros. Tell me how Tom Jones is any different than the New Kids On The Block and I might believe youre feeble attempt at logic but youre gonna have to buy me at least two drinks first.

9:59 pm February, 28 Vin Douchal said...

Fuck all that noise about the Rat Pack. They earned their swagger not like the imitators to follow. Tom Jones, too. He was a raw talent molded into a TV star. Like an English Glen Campbell. Campbell was so fuccen entertaining. He could do no wrong even while snorting coke , banging background singers and drinking enough bourbon to sink a barge. Different time, different age.

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Also, not all boy bands instantly suck. The Beatles were the first, the Jonas Bros the latest. Joe Jonas is the man,man . All three Hansen Bros combined can’t equal his testosterone levels . Fucking Disney chicks left and right. I might have stopped and counted my blessings after banging Ashley Tisdale, but no , not Joe.

10:56 pm February, 28 Blah said...

John Travolta in “Grease”. In fact, the 1950’s hitter-greasers were the Ur-Douchebags. They are the proud parents of today’s Jersey Shore D-Bag zombies who are infecting the world.

11:37 pm February, 28 Douchble Helix said...

I respectfully request that anybody and everybody that doesn’t know what the fuck they are talking about just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

12:11 am February, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Helix, as you might expect, people who don’t know what they are talking about usually think they have the most important thing to say. It’s sad really. What to do? Oh, I know. Why don’t you decide who knows what about what?

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Buy some of those marble covered composition books. Start with maybe a dozen. Before you begin making field observations of fellow posters like a techno Jane Goodall, why not write a short manifesto laying out your objectives? With me so far? Then proceed with the notes, occasional sketch, diagram, whatever. Go nuts.

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You can scan the occasional entry and send it to DB1, copying Barrack Obama and the Secretary of Agriculture. You’ll have to keep the original journals someplace safe like a hollowed out space between the walls inside your closet.

12:24 am February, 29 tall guy said...

Dreuche, I can tell Kroeger also digs your new nickname. No, really, he does.

12:31 am February, 29 tall guy said...

The thing is re. Rat Pack et al is that the modern douche will surely attempt to mimic their outward style (often achieving little more than a really bad impersonation, which comes across, completely without intention, as a witheringly awful parody) and their attitude or what they perceive as their attitude and completely miss the bit about talent. i.e. douche has no talent Rat Pack has talent. That’s some heavy ignorance, boy. I say, I say, ignorance!

no one pre-grieco was or is a bigger douche than pat boone.

michael landon, douchey dad.

greg evigan trucker douche.

jj was a paleobrothabag

yogi bear and hong kong phoey, cartoon douches.

jakes and the fatmen

4:31 am February, 29 tall guy said...

Also Dreuche, re. The Shins: saw them in Sydney when they toured Chutes Too Narrow. Not bad, but I’m not a huge fan. Strangest recruit of the 21st Century is Johnny Marr. Not that he’s strange, but I never thought The Shins would suit Marr (or visa versa). Wonders never cease and all that.

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I’ll pose an improbable ponderable:

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Morrissey? Douche or notta. And since we’ve already breached the rock star leniency rule w/- some of the above candidates it’s no leniency for Moz.

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By the way I’m a huge fan of Marr, Morrissey and The Smiths.

5:01 am February, 29 Douchble Helix said...

I’d be happy to, and very capable of, taking responsibility for filtering the various publicly-and-proudly ignorant-diarrhea-mouthed-non-funny-bastards off this site, Dude McShoeShiner.

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Let’s see, who should I start with?

5:24 am February, 29 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@tall guy: Morrissey, like many Irish musicians (U2, Sinead O’Conner) thinks he has something important to say, when he really is just an obnoxious prick. I’d like to Dropkick Murphy him into a volcano.

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@Helix: good boy! Now get started.

5:27 am February, 29 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Frank Sinatra has chunks of Michael Landon in his stool.

6:10 am February, 29 Douchble Helix said...

Michael Landon was married about 5 times and had a hundred kids. He was a hearthrob. He made the $. How owned his own TV shows.

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And still, Frank Sinatra had chunks of Michael Landon in his stool.

6:26 am February, 29 Dan said...

Bartender Isaac from the Love Boat has got to be the proto BrothaBag. Inventor of the Double-Point? Only problem is the hot chick was always the camera man.

7:41 am February, 29 Face Ripper Monkey said...

@ Dude McCrudeshoes 5:24am I’ve been indisposed for a time but would be will to assist you with the Helix problem if necessary.

7:53 am February, 29 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Tom Jones = no way! If you can belt out “What’s New Pussycat” and have wimmin THROW their panties at you, no way you’re a douche.

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Morrisey = hell yes! Over-preening fucckwad. Boring, boring, boring. “Look at me. I’m dark and brooding. I’m cool because I’m brooding. Want to brood with me? Don’t because then you’ll just be a poser.” Nothing a 12-guage over/under wouldn’t take care of.

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@ Nancy D

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Sorry for the new nickname. I just came up with it because I knew Timmy would’ve been no match for you.

12:32 pm February, 29 Wedgie said...

Sammy Davis Jr was a FUCCEN CANADIAN.

The End.

1:30 pm February, 29 DarkSock said...

Walter Mondale.

1:31 pm February, 29 DarkSock said...

And pretty much all of New Hampshire.

12:55 pm March, 3 douche equis said...

I was going to trump you all with Vinnie Barbarino but I see that Doucheywallnuts got there first. Certainly he is the proto-douche of all time. (Vinnie, not Douchey.) And about 95% of the people named above aren’t even in the same douche league. I’ll throw in The Fonz for good measure, although deep down I think he’s a poser.

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And yes, I am going to try and fail one more time to get an image into a post. Then I will complain again about the inability to edit posts. Then I will cry.

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1:04 pm March, 3 douche equis said...

And Mickey Hargitay, Jayne Mansfield’s husband, is pretty proto-douchey also.

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Yes, I am trying again. And crying again.

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