Thursday, February 2, 2012

Ask DB1: The Flat-Brimmed Cap

———–

Dear DB1,

Whither the flat-brimmed cap?

What fashion most foul foisted it upon an unsuspecting public?

Methinks it now equals auto-douche, although, over the years, me have thunk many things, including:

1) Tiffani Amber-Thiessen was a highly under-appreciated actress

2) The Hawley-Smoot Act of 1933 was good policy; and

3) Jerry Lewis was a comic genius.

A few words from the oracle would be appreciated about this plague.

Douche-hunting-ly yours,

Choad the Douche Sprocket

——

I would comment at length on the choadfesterment of the flat brimmed cap, but TAT cures lupus.

# posted by douchebag1
12:20 pm February, 2 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Flat-brim, with over-the-ear fit is definitely auto-douche.

As much an “I-am-not-employable” signifier as a neck tatt.

12:29 pm February, 2 Wedgie said...

I personally dislike flat brims, and the over-the-ear look is too gangsta for me. Plus, I can’t find a hat that will allow me to wear it that way, because my fuccen melon is as big as Jack’s.

Fortunately, Mrs. Wedgie is truly fine, and all the Wedgelettes look more like her than me. Although, seeing as how we are both brunettes, and I have one blonde kid in the middle of my trio, I have begun to eyeball my mail carrier suspiciously.

Fuccer looks like Vanilla Ice, too.

12:31 pm February, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

Flat brim hat deserves autodouche. What the point of the hat if its not blocking the corners of your eyes from the sun? TAT had great talents and hopefully will not bleeth out like her old co-star Mario Lopez has done. Dudes selling underwear now.

12:42 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Word! I have a little blonde kid too!

.

TAT caused Idi Amin to stop eating people.

12:43 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT helped break in millions of pairs of tight jeans.

12:43 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT caused me to marry a brunette named Kelli.

12:44 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT stopped the spread of AIDS among homosexuals.

12:45 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT has a sweet camel toe. Look again. fast.

12:51 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT made Halet Barbour pardon those criminals.

12:51 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT parts Mitt Romney’s hair.

12:54 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT likes to show off her boobs.

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIxHnaJ5cPY

12:59 pm February, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

TAT thinks Selena Gomez is a Mexican mouse.

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDZBzvTDhGU

1:05 pm February, 2 Findertweet said...

Is it too obvious to say, Tit for TAT?

I think so….

1:10 pm February, 2 Fuck Off Youtube said...

^That was a good one. Look for TAT and Jaime Pressly kissing. BONER ALERT! Son.

1:14 pm February, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

There’s actually an answer to this question, and I’m going to inflict it on you. You may want to pause every few sentences to drink some Robitussin with codeine.

.

Form begets fashion begets form. In the US, a short billed cap was standard military issue to enlisted men at least back as far as 1860. It could be argued this billed cap has a lot in common with the more elaborate military hats warn by the French in the Napoleonic wars around 1800, or similar hats going even further back in time. But for certain, NY baseball teams adopted a military style billed caps right around the time of the US civil war, and used it for much the same reasons as the military: to identify team members and to shield the eyes from the sun.

.

Though they evolved over the next century, baseball hats remained ‘fitted’ until the late ‘70s. The introduction of a simple one size fits all adjustments and cheap manmade materials in place of the original wool made them attractive as souvenirs and marketing give-away items. They soon became ubiquitous.

.

Near as I can tell, in the early ‘80s they were adopted by California’s gang subculture for reasons not dissimilar to one of the reasons the cap was adopted by 19th century baseball teams: to display a team affiliation. Only this time, the affiliation is not simply to the team whose logo appears above the brim. Like colored bandanas, they were a display of gang colors. In order not to be confused with the extremely common cap wearing society at large, different ways of wearing the cap were popularized. Most notably, the tilt (really a rotation) and the flat brim, often with the original stickers or price tag still attached.

.

Though it appears silly to most of us, these unorthodox ways of wearing baseball caps have been imitated in succession first by hard-core rappers, then less hard core hip hoppers, and finally every fuccin’ douchebag in the universe. If there are douchbags on Cygnus X1, you can rest assured that they wear their intergalactic cosmocaps at 37 degrees of rotation and with flat brims.

1:19 pm February, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

More to the point, bathroom mirror facebook angle picture hott looks like Sasha Grey, and that is making me long for my pron collection.

1:21 pm February, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

Thank you McCrudeshoes, I was able to read that sans Robotussin. Speaking of cough syrup addiction wheres Hermit at?

.

$10 says Creature thinks Jerry Lewis is a comedic genius.

1:23 pm February, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

And speaking of facebook… $13 billion?! For stealing a dumb idea from the Winklevii which is nothing more than a slow loading, illiterate, clearing house for the random thoughts of the word’s most boring people?! I hate the planet. I really do.

1:23 pm February, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

TAT gives me a Woodrow

1:24 pm February, 2 Et Tu Douche? said...

And the Rev is spot on regarding TAT’s moose knuckle, I mean Camel Toe either way it’s all good.

1:24 pm February, 2 The Dude said...

TAT-toe is quite distinctory, and by that I mean Wallnuts is gonnawannabustanut on her levi bra.

2:56 pm February, 2 ehcuodouche said...

TAT with cameltoe makes me splooge in my underwear a little.

2:59 pm February, 2 ehcuodouche said...

The flat brimmed hat makes the face more punchworthy. First, in that you run a lower risk of getting a good shot at the face without accidentally hitting the brim on the way in. And second, that no matter what expression a person might have on their face, from a goofy ass smile to a sneer with middle finger raised, the hat will render it punchworthy.

3:09 pm February, 2 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Dude McC 1:23

.

Truer words have never been spoken. I don’t care that “Zach likes this!” or to be “poked” by anyone other then Mrs. Doc Bunsen. Try it and you’ll find your entire hand missing. My students look at me like I’ve grown 3 heads with 7 eyes on each of them when I say I don’t have a WasteBook page, I don’t “Tweet”, and I don’t carry a fuccen cell phone around with me constantly. “If people want/need to get in touch with me, they know how” I tell my childrens and they just shake their heads. I’m much happier when I’m NOT in constant contact with someone.

3:11 pm February, 2 Mr. White said...

Sad news today: Whenever I tell someone that fraternities are about nothing other than alcohol poisoning, date rape, and homoeroticism, there’s always some former fratdouche in the crowd who says, “Dude, frats are about way more than just that!” Now I have to concede their point, because it turns out that fraternities are also about anal fireworks and lawsuits related thereto.

3:37 pm February, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Doc B. I too hate the shackles of a cell phone, Facebook account and abhor checking email. I have a theory that staring at screens for the majority of the day leads to insomnia. I long for the day when I don’t have to use any of these things, unfortunately that includes checking this site.

3:46 pm February, 2 Wedgie said...

^Well, that’s probably not the first time something blew up in that guy’s ass. But usually, it’s just some other guy’s load.

Those fuccen ATO’s, you can’t trust ‘em. Don’t forget, that douchebag John Hinckley (asshole that shot Reagan and wanted to hump Jody Foster) was one.

Speaking of things shooting out of your ass, I wonder how that fool is doing?

4:09 pm February, 2 Wheezer said...

Hey Wedgie, one cannot spell “psychopath” with “A-T-O.”

4:21 pm February, 2 Douchble Helix said...

Jerry Lewis was his generations greatest AC-TOR!!! Just imagine what he coulda done with some pepper spray.

4:48 pm February, 2 Wedgie said...

^Shoot it out of his ass?

4:51 pm February, 2 tall guy said...

Unquestionably autodouche!

4:59 pm February, 2 The Dude said...

Somewhere in this glorious internet is a video of a local news gal standing on a snowy sidewalk in Europe, probably saying that it’s snowy, when a naked man runs past her with a firecracker sparkling from his ass. He turns and bellyflops into a snowbank, sparkler still going strong.

.

.

I’ve Google-searched all the established Euro filmmakers looking for this masterpiece, can’t find it. I swear it exists.

5:00 pm February, 2 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

True fact: I shared (in the loosest sense of the word) two meals with TAT in 2000. Once at Pinot Brasserie in Hollywood, and three months later at Balthazar in NYC. Both times she sat right next to my table — once with a girlfriend, the second with two dudes.

.

.Both times she ignored me.

.

.Both times I drooled.

5:23 pm February, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

@Doctor Bunsen, I still remember the first time I saw a tweet reported by a major news network as if it were anything other than a dingleberry dripping from some celebs arse. It felt like someone had given me a forcible lobotomy with a spork.

7:02 pm February, 2 troy tempest said...

What’s with the fuckin Duck Face? Good Grief – hasn’t the meme that “Duck Face == Retard” gotten EVERYWHERE by now? Sigh. Kill them. Then feed them to the cats.

7:05 pm February, 2 Nostradouchus said...

Auto thanks to T Mills, T Mill-y, T MILL-IOOOONNNN!

7:45 pm February, 2 The Dude said...

Sporks make sense, just like the metric system. See?

8:25 pm February, 2 Stephanie said...

Again the toilet photo,such class.

11:40 pm February, 2 DarkSock said...

I’ve always felt Frat-Tards should blow it out their ass.

.

So this is a good thing.

.

… stupid and dangerous activities, such as shooting bottle rockets out of one’s own anus…

.

Are we band of brothers and sisters here truly the Last Sane People In America?

3:05 am February, 3 Douchble Helix said...

What you mean “we”, kimosabe? You’re in Canada.

3:32 am February, 4 CB Popped said...

I see DB1 isn’t fucking around when it comes to the Hot Chicks this year….TAT,,,,,FWAP!

3:36 am February, 4 CB Popped said...

Yes DSock, we are the last of the best.

Frats, low common denominator. Needy Sheeple, Bi polars.

I recall when my younger Brother didnt get into one, he was sad,,,,I was happy.

All these years later, he’s happy about it too.

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