Monday, February 27, 2012

Coldplay Sucks

I have never liked the band Coldplay.

Preening Aryan Chris Martin’s musical pablum is generic chord vomit, a eugenics based fascist musical regurgitation of melodic spew. A computer program of inoffensive “hit” generation. If A$=minor chord, print “emotions sway like ecstasy.”

But is Chris Martin a douche?

So far, no. With Rock Star Leniency combined with his apparent refusal to spectacle himself into a clown like compatriots like Gavin Rossdale, along with his apparent responsible dad skills, means I can only hate the game and not the player.

Which pisses me off.

I’m watchin’ you, generic fraud for the millennial set. Your teenage weepsterbation is a societal crime. And it shall not pass.

# posted by douchebag1
1:17 pm February, 27 Justin said...

Reasonable Dad skills? The kids names are Apple and Moses.

1:26 pm February, 27 jonezy said...

Gwen did look pretty sexy in that white gown last night

1:44 pm February, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I hate this fucking fuck fucking fuck fucker so much I learned the simple piano line for clocks (no respect) and taught it to my then four year old daughter out of spite and all I can do with pianos is pay the tuning dude. And fuck off Gwyneth you pretend Jew when it meets your fragile bones’ fancy. You two are both teenagers with generic talent equal to none. Your managers and hangers on must be alien genius to keep your careers going. I wish a typhoon upon their blondness and hope they fly into stiff serrated trees

1:44 pm February, 27 Jeet Kune Douche said...

DB1 – Chris Martin is clearly a Herpster. One look at him tells even the most casual observer that they are gazing upon Poomp.

1:46 pm February, 27 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Gwyneth seems like she’d be a cachetic bitch!

1:48 pm February, 27 ehcuodouche said...

If you listen to them, that’s how people will know you are gay.

1:52 pm February, 27 Vin Douchal said...

I would suck Gwyneth’s pussy so hard she’d leave with a Jesus-sized cocck.

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These two don’t bother me that much. His preening on stage is lame and like U-2 before them it takes about 3 songs into their concert when I lose interest. Wow me, show me something new.

2:05 pm February, 27 tall guy said...

My grandfather, a Southern Polish Australian jew educated in three internment camps and four universities, could read fluently in both the ancient languages and at least five of the modern ones. His Hebrew, however, was rumoured to be sketchy. Famously he had read many, many books except those published by his own firm. He looked like a water polo forward run to fat and radiated proprietorial ease at the numerous social engagements where he found himself during his final years. He had a posh address in London that was practically a department of Harrods and a garish waterfront monstrosity in Sydney staffed by men who looked like cultural attaches. As a publisher he was momentarily interested in any member of the younger generation who picked up a book without being forced to; probably, my mother usually said, because he did not want to lose a potential customer.

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Coldplay in general and Chris Martin in particular now function as a living reminder of the amount of triviality generated in the days when the words brittle and vivacious had been invariably used in tandem. His odd willingness to allow himself to still be recognised can only be explained by his intuitive need to do penance. His mental indolence when compared to my grandfather makes him provincial by comparison. However such a comparison is folly and actually quite insulting to those who produce in the rural areas.

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Chris Martin you disgust me.

2:17 pm February, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I don’t know who this is. Is it Beck’s little brother?

2:34 pm February, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’ll take The Shins version of the same type of music any day. I don’t think Chris Martin is a douche, he’s just emo and waay dramatic is all. Coldplayed out is more like it. Now if you go after Radiohead Imma have to agree to disagree. Karma Police and Creep are the only two songs I will allow to be played during the video montage of my life. Speaking of which I need to get on that.

2:35 pm February, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

For your pleasure Your Royal Heinous I have prepared evidence of the cultural irrelevance and Douchecraptastic display which is Coldplay. Are they worse or better than the eyebrow brothers of Oasis? Honey badger don’t give a fuck.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d020hcWA_Wg&feature=related

2:45 pm February, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

It’s a Revlink. Don’t work.

2:56 pm February, 27 ehcuodouche said...

I also know you’re gay because you macrame’d yourself a pair of jean shorts.

3:14 pm February, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

What’s a Coldplay? And why should I give a royal shit?

3:22 pm February, 27 Vin Douchal said...

I think what the Rev meant to say is this song is interesting ( the drummer is compelling while doing virtual nothing) . Good tune :

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3:26 pm February, 27 Nancy Dreuche said...

“Revlinks: they’re as non-functioning as the guy who posts them.”- Nancy Dreuche, Marketing Genius

3:29 pm February, 27 Jeet Kune Douche said...

That vid was horrific.

I feel like I just watched the ‘national anthem’ of a nation of Prison Twinks.

3:44 pm February, 27 Vin Douchal said...

@ Jeet

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Yeah, you convinced me. Tthey are not that great and way overrated. I’m just saying that’s one of their more palatable tunes. At least it’s different than the synth beat driven , vocoder crap that dominates the radio

3:44 pm February, 27 Wheezer said...

Chris Martin is monumentally insignificant.

3:48 pm February, 27 Southern Scrotic said...

Did he blow his nose on his shirt at the beginning of that clip?

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How classy.

4:04 pm February, 27 Troy Tempest said...

I got through 1.14 of that video and about hurled.

Martin is not a douchebag. He’s just an idiot.

And Gwenyth is one of the most over-rated actresses, ever. Her and Andie MacDowell. And Drew Barrymore. They all suck. As in they suck the life out of culture. They need to stop. Just stop. They are hurting America.

Now I need to go shit in my pants and sing the Internationale.

4:07 pm February, 27 Anonymous said...

weepsterbation

I like that word, I’m gonna re-use it.

5:26 pm February, 27 Stephanie said...

Chris Martin is monumentally insignificant.

That said it all,because if you look at the history of music,it’s the music that sticks in your head and amazing live stage shows,that last. Can anyone remember Clocks? It sounded like the band U2.

6:23 pm February, 27 Nostradouchus said...

Nottadouche, but if Gwenyf makes any more country music, I’m submitting her for auto-bleethdom just because. That shee-ot succed.

6:47 pm February, 27 Wedgie said...

I think that drummer used to be a framer. He beats that fuccen drum like it’s a 16 penny nail.

Nice neckbeard in that photo, Chris. No, really, it looks great on you.

6:49 pm February, 27 Medusa Oblongata said...

The Rev @1:44 FTW.

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As if I didn’t have enough reasons to cuntch an old lady, Gwyneth Paltrow.

7:28 pm February, 27 Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche said...

I interviewed Gavin Rossdale a few years ago. Much to my surprise, I found him absolutely charming. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

8:17 pm February, 27 Stephanie said...

The guy can’t dance,either. Not a good rock star. Nothing remotely sexually appealing about him either.

8:27 pm February, 27 Douchial Webster said...

Chris’s feeble “air keyboard” move deserve’s Medusa’s “cuntch”. On Chris, that is.

What a great word – I will gladly include it in my next edition.

8:56 pm February, 27 Vin Douchal said...

I am shocked at the nasty vitriol aimed in the direction of this otherwise lovely couple. As shocked as I was to find that Ellie May Clampett was the chick in the bandages at the end of that Twilight Zone episode with the pig-nosed douche-lipped people.

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And not for nothing, Zoey Deschanel is fuccen banginable and what not.

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.

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2 hour delay after Juan Pablo Montoya’s fiery crash into a blower truck filled with helicopter gas at Daytona, they’re getting back in their cars at almost midnight their time. Awesome

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10:14 pm February, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Hear hear. When Bill Hicks screamed “PLAY FROM YOUR FUCKING HEART!!!” I’m sure this isn’t what he had in mind.

10:18 pm February, 27 Gaaah! said...

Oh, I will show you a douchebag, with the help of George Monbiot (UK columnist) from 2005:

“…I will show you a hypocrite. In an interview with the Guardian recently, Chris Martin, the lead singer of Coldplay and all-round good guy, spoke of his concerns about climate change. On his new album there’s “an intense, angry track encouraging people to make the right decisions about how they live their lives and how they treat the planet.” A few paragraphs on, he revealed that he was about to “fly by private jet to Palm Springs … The band can now afford to fly wherever possible…”

11:48 pm February, 27 The Dude said...

Their early stuff was better, more modest. Songs of remorse “sorry for myself” type of stuff that is a tonic for some people, including me when I was crying into my pillow about some wimpy shit in 2005.

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But they ripped off Satriani, so now they are condemned to a very douchey brand of hell. Worse, the delightful Gwyneth Paltrow is getting a huge swab of taint in the process.

4:44 am February, 28 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Let’s not cast too wide of a net in our efforts to mock. Cold Play and this Mr Paltrow guy. Certainly, worth targets, but not douchebags.

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May I be the first person on this thread to call Gwyneth a cunt.

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The above photo could be banner photo for the site, “Musician Doofus’s With Hollywood Cunts.”

5:30 am February, 28 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I second the cunt. Her best acting role was the severed head in Seven.

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On an unrelated note, my girls stayed up late last night and watched the always agonizingly boring Daytona 500. They were thrilled with the race and sharing time with a half-sober father. “Daddy can you shovel out our Barbie Racer and put the battery in so we can ride it to school cause there’s not much snow and we want to be like that pretty racer girl tomorrow.” Sure girls, I says.

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They got up early disregarding their lack of sleep, put on their makeup, prayed to a poster of Dale Earnhardt Sr. I printed off for them, put on their Tide jackets and left for school this morning and are still circling the block in a leftward direction at top speed and not getting anywhere.

6:07 am February, 28 CB Popped said...

Coldplay, so overrated its another joke of the new age.

Paltrow? Can she shut the fuck up for one second???

Nobody cares who she hangs with (please stop dropping Beyonce’s name) and she is a no talent.

I am a Hatter when it comes to these two……firing squad material.

6:10 am February, 28 CB Popped said...

Oh, BTW –

They didn’t creatively invent “Apple” as their daughter’s name, they stole it from a costume designer/makeup artist who named their kid Apple first,,,then Paltrow asked the woman for “permission” to use the name – what was she gonna say, No?

This couple sucks eroding penis.

6:18 am February, 28 CB Popped said...

Vin D., you’re a better musician than anyone in this band.

Fucking birdcage – liner – material humans.

“Your managers and hangers on must be alien genius to keep your careers going.” – Rev Chad

They are two of the biggest jokes in show biz – and I think Paltrow – deep down – knows it.

6:23 am February, 28 Olddog1 said...

He hangs with Gwyneth, enough said.

8:26 am February, 28 Ever Present Anonymous said...

Who the fuck is Gavin Rossdale?

8:41 am February, 28 Ever Present Anonymous said...

Scratch that… I didn’t realize he is Gwen Stefani’s husband

9:13 am February, 28 DarkSock said...

Wait…”Clocks” isn’t a U2 song?

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.

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Prison Twinks.

1:47 pm February, 28 The Dude said...

I like “The Scientist”, not ashamed to admit it.

.

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The world would have to be a much better place for Chris Martin not to be a douchebag.

8:17 pm February, 28 Stephanie said...

With all the horse and animal sex you watch on you tube,you’d think you might have come across U2 and Coldplay and the song Clocks…I’m not really sure how they connect,but it’s 6 degrees of separation,I believe somewhere.

It’s Shatner’s world and we just live in it.

1:23 am February, 29 MissMissyMiss said...

Yes he IS a skinny douche & she is a dud shag for sure!

2:06 am February, 29 Helio said...

I think you guys are all fucking nuts. Throw your signifiers and lists in the goddamn trash. There is no “rocker pass” for this guy, since he doesn’t fucking rock. Are you seriously telling me you can watch this fucking clown on stage acting like a twat and not think: “what a fucking douchebag”?

Your douchebag meters are broken. And yeah, Paltrow is a cunt.

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