Friday, February 24, 2012

Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh mutant hand gestures for nearby cameras while Running with the Goose and when stalking party Woo girls like Kathy.

How you task me with annoyance and swelter.

How you itch my rectaculum with spectacular spectral speculum.

And, on an unrelated note, it makes me sad that the Beastie Boys are so old. “License to Ill” now refers to constipation.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Alright, look pal, I gotta tell you… this is a crazy business, but it’s not unlike any other business. There are ground rules, and you don’t just walk on to a network show without experience. Now I know it’s an old, hackneyed expression, but it happens to be the truth. You’ve got to start at the bottom.”

You know the economy’s recovering when douchebags are getting into fights over models at tables in nightclubs.

On a related note, and well worth watching:

The great Steven Colbert bringing extensive ‘bag mocking about that story on his show. (starts 1:45 in) “Our douchebag beat up their douchebag” for the win. My cultural influence is complete.

Love the Colbert. My cousin was Colbert’s personal assistant for years and I gave him a signed copy of my book in 2008.

Bored this weekend? Here’s a great photoblog of candid New York city snapshots from the 1950s.

Or how’s about Mardi Gras 1938?

America: Land of Shirtless Tools With Too Much Time on their Hands.

DListed Asks: Would you hit the Grieco? If by hit you mean hit, perhaps.

The coolest three year old girl in history.

Just as Owen Wilson dreams of the 1920s Parisian Left Bank in “Midnight in Paris,” I dream of early 1980s downtown New York.

But you are not here for DB1 creative fantasies of unreality. You are here for pear:

Holy Tanned Pear Drop

Enjoy. Chomp. Salivate. Masticate.

The weekend is upon.

# posted by douchebag1
12:53 pm February, 24 Wheezer said...

Tanned Pear of Heaven may be a repeat from some other post, but I don’t mind another fwap—–look.

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A Half/Quartasian is a “Woo” girl? Boss, the Linsanity people are gonna fuccen get after you for that.

1:06 pm February, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

“Hail to the King, baby”. Hail to the King, indeed.

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Well done, boss.

1:14 pm February, 24 Sergeant Scrote Stain said...

HOLY tanned pear indeed.

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The things that I do to myself in response to this pick will be quite unholy, unless we follow the teachings of Saint Larry – the patron saint of auto-erotic asphyxiation. Then my actions will be considered to be most holy.

1:20 pm February, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@SSS^

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So that’s explains your lengthy absence. You need to work on your knots or you’ll end up in another year-long coma only to wake up to a couple hospital janitors exchanging money for the chance to explore your braut maker…again.

1:26 pm February, 24 troy tempest said...

I grew up in Jersey, a half hour from NYC. I saw that city collapse and deteriorate. I lived there on and off (a month here, a month there) from 1979 – 1981. By the time 1981 came around I was thoroughly repulsed. I learned to hate NYC, and I learned to hate the “Art Scene” and I learned to detest the no-talent self-indulgent fuckwits who hid behind postmodernism because they were too clueless and empty to come up with a better idea, and too gutless to organise and fight the system.

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Instead, they all retreated to their subjective nightmares of consumerism and lifestyle and absolved of all responsibility by their therapists. The late 70s/early 80s – especially as focused in NYC – were a turning point in civilisation and we are all suffering under the colossal mistake it was.

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Jimmy Carter said “put on a sweater”. He was right, but the fat pig Americans saw it as a retreat, not an advance, and voted Reagan/Thatcher/Right Wing retardation as the guiding principle of society. After that there wasn’t much hope as the automotive dormitories of the suburbs expanded and the planet was plundered for the sake of television and the bottomless maw of the infantile demands of an infantalised public mindlessly advocating the ideology of their owners.

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Those were not times to be revered. Those were times of cowardice and stupidity, vanity and ignorance. Punk Rock was not an advancement. It was reactionary – it wanted to bring everything back to the Garage and three chords in four / four time. These were not the voices of creativity and art – these were the incoherent gurglings of a stupefied working class bought off and sold on its own delusions of grandeur with its brains replaced by game shows, cocaine, and self indulgence.

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Fuck NYC. And fuck anyone who thinks it was cool back then, because it wasn’t. It was bullshit then, and it’s bullshit now.

1:40 pm February, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

I was gonna comment on Colbert and his awesomeness but I’m stumped after witnessing Holy Tanned Pear Drop. Nice!!!!!!!!!

1:42 pm February, 24 Capt. James T. Douche said...

What kind of hybrid douche hand gesture is that?? This fucktard is way out of his league and does not know what he is doing in the douche world! Play with fire and you get burned, drop the Goose and go back to baristaing at Starschmucks where you belong! The That’s not Champagne Katie up to her old tricks again? That narcoleptic directly behind her is really killing my boner!

1:43 pm February, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Troy tempest

I was never a fan of NYC, the few times I went (mid to late 80’s) it sucked. Always preferred the Big Windy myself, still do.

1:44 pm February, 24 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Who wouldn’t wanna face-plant into Holy Tanned Pear!!!!!!

1:58 pm February, 24 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@ Troy Tempest^

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I would put the turning point more towards the late 60’s, when the undercurrent of rebellion against American societal norms started to break through the ice giving us Woodstock, Free Love, and an insatiable hunger for drugs and escapism. The late 70’s/early 80’s was the obnoxious, self indulgent, thumbsucking younger sibling that took “If it feels good do it” to “Just Do It”. Doesn’t matter if it feels good. Doesn’t matter if its hurting others or endangering the common future. Who is anyone to tell you what to do? F*ck tomorrow. In fact, being told I can’t or shouldn’t do it just makes me want to do it all the more. Just f*cking do it.

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And these narcisistic f*ck-wads have now welped a generation so over-stimulated, so over-indulged, they may never escape eternal adolescence. And lest anyone conclude that I think every family in America is upper-middle class white bread, I put as much blame on the lower classes so many of whom are so mired in government sponsored poverty that they’re too illiterate to see the fallacy in demanding that this same government raise their children for them.

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Anyone with even the smallest shred of self awareness should be terrified, abso-f*cking-lutely terrified at what its going to take to keep this country from reality tv/ipod apping/tweeting/Youtube posting/meth smokinging/Little Miss Sunshing itself into obscurity.

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Great observation, Troy. I just think the seeds of our destruction were sewn a little sooner and are now manifest in every community from sea to shining sea.

2:02 pm February, 24 Wedgie said...

I was in New York in my earlier years. But there aren’t good waves there, so I quit going.

The End.

See? It only took two sentences, and 5 seconds for you to read it.

2:22 pm February, 24 tall guy said...

Okay first, another great series of links, DB1. You are the man. Next, so where should I visit on my much mentioned US trip? NYC? Apparently not. Okay, but what of the rest? Maui? Defi. El Lay? Certainly. Look, simply direct me to where the best looking women (of a suitable age) are and let me unleash my trouser python!

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Enjoy your weekend, ‘Bagsters! Together we hold strong against the curse, against the beast and survive, prosper and await for a simpler more loving time.

2:32 pm February, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

You know, before being a regular at this place my Fridays were pretty pear free, well unless you count my bi weekly naked mirror dance party. But hopefully you don’t because they’ve been pretty Snoresville as of late. Anyway, I haven’t really checked out any of the links but I kinda skimmed and agree with DB1 on the greatness of Stephen Colbert. I particularly enjoyed him on Strangers With Candy. Amy Sedaris and him are two of my all time fave comedic actors and their whole dynamic together is always hilarious to watch. But you know, whatever. Happy Friday.

2:38 pm February, 24 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, the hottest old ladies live in Florida. Sure you might run into Slackhouse but par for the course my friend, oar for the course. I’m assuming since you’re older you would totally get the golf reference.

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I love sports!

2:40 pm February, 24 tall guy said...

Dreuche, photos of that ‘bi weekly naked mirror dance party’ or it didn’t happen.

2:42 pm February, 24 tall guy said...

Hmmm Fla, eh? And no doubt they like being thrown up in the air. Good. I’m there.

2:47 pm February, 24 jonezy said...

^Wedgie

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I think you meant:

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The End (less Summer)

2:53 pm February, 24 Et Tu Douche? said...

“Anyone with even the smallest shred of self awareness should be terrified, abso-f*cking-lutely terrified at what its going to take to keep this country from reality tv/ipod apping/tweeting/Youtube posting/meth smokinging/Little Miss Sunshing itself into obscurity.”

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Well said Mr Srotatohead are you sure you haven’t been hanging out with Hermit? speaking of Hermit I miss that crusty ol curmudgeon and his take on societal fail.

3:46 pm February, 24 paper or plastic said...

colbert sucks

3:52 pm February, 24 Wedgie said...

That guy on the left looks like the “after” face from those “why you shouldn’t smoke crystal meth” ads.

3:55 pm February, 24 Wedgie said...

PS: It’s foggy and cold in my beloved So Cal beach town today. But the waves were head-high and hollow at Marine Street this afternoon, so I put on a 5-mil, hood and sissy booties and got wet.

It was fun, but my nuts kept trying to crawl up my ass for warmth. Fuck I hate winter. Luckily, Wedgie Jr. goes off to U of H at Manoa in the fall, so I can go over for visits and surf in warm water.

Yes, I am an old fuccen pussy. Laugh all you want, bitches.

4:00 pm February, 24 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I think Woo Girl is Kormerican Jamie Chung from Hangover 2.

5:45 pm February, 24 tall guy said...

Yo! Wedgie, I hate it when my balls do that, ‘cept I always thought they’d relocated elsewhere.

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Anyway, your head high waves must have been good. Not much swell around my local lately. Good conditions otherwise but…

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I’ll hit it this arvo. I’ve a business meeting later on today so will throw a board in my old Ford wagon and paddle out for a late one regardless. I miss winter sometimes. Love summer, but years of overexposure to the the gammas wreak havoc on my skin.

6:11 pm February, 24 army (ret) douche said...

douche on the left is close to death. that looks like deceberate posturing to me..

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Inter cranial pressure

6:20 pm February, 24 Vin Douchal said...

Shirtless tool Joe Jackson look alike is a disgusting waste of carbon. The only upside is he’ll get cancer of everything above the neck.

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@ Tall Guy

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When in the states:

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If you’re looking for American history go to Boston and New York. The tours are awesome

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If you bring your board, SoCal is great. E-mail me and I’ll have my buddy take you to Trestles , the best surf spot here, but the locals are very possesive, you’ll need an escort or they’ll kick your teeth in. Also, Sunset Boulevard in L.A. is what it’s all aboot, mate…

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Las Vegas is 30 minutes by flight from L.A. and worth the trip just to see WTF all the hooplah is about. The clubs are loud and full of Douche/Bleeth. Make sure you have room on the camera phone. Hookers are illegal (wink wink nudge nudge) but they’ll do you for an hour if you can cum more than once . Also if they come to your room and you don’t like them, they’ll send another ’til your satisfied. I love that part.

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^Stick to Video Poker, it pays out and is found at 99% of the bars. Their Blackjack tables are rigged, rigged I says

.

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However, IMHO, Austin, Texas is the place to be. The Live Music Capital of The World will thrill you with the greatest assembly of American musicians per capita than anywhere else in this filthy country, the bars are friendly, woman down to earth, locals appreciate your visit and you just might run into someone famous or semi-famous

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Maybe Chicago or South Florida would be worth a look. The rest of the country ? Sucks.

6:25 pm February, 24 Nostradouchus said...

Dude on the left is the son of the guy in the bitter beer face commercials. Celebrity!

7:03 pm February, 24 Wedgie said...

Vin:

I think you just won the biggest brass balls award. A guy from Fontucky just told the whole U.S. they suck, with the exception of five or six cities.

I notice you didn’t have Fontana, nor San Diego, on your list. I am deeply insulted. To make me feel better, you must post a few pear shots, post haste. I may be cheap, but at least I’m easy.

7:36 pm February, 24 Wedgie said...

And one other thing, for my cigar-smoking fellow baghunters (because nothing tastes better with a martini after a long day of mockery):

Cigars International is running a special on Montecristo White Label Torpedos (my personal favorite) for a limited time. 6″ stick; 52 ring gauge; basically, until they run out of supply. The price is an unheard-of $6 per stick, which is about a third of normal retail, and more than $100 cheaper than a box costs even from my low-cost dealer in Florida if you order three packs of 10 (and a box is only 27) . They are selling 10-packs for $59.99 and you can order up to 10 of the packs. The item number is CB-WMA6052-10 and their toll-free number is 888-244-2790 or go to CigarsIntl.com and you can order online.

Don’t say I never did anything for you. I don’t own the site, either. But Darksock might.

7:45 pm February, 24 DoucheyWallnuts said...

She’s giving, and wearing, “The Asian Eye of the Gathered Velour Dress/Jizz Towel.” /Jizz towel, I says.

8:56 pm February, 24 troy tempest said...

Scrotato – I’d agree to some extent, but I think that the first wave boomers (1945 – 1955) were kinda screwed from the start – they were promised the Jetsons but it wasn’t hard to see that was total bullshit, is a robot nanny worth a few million dead in Vietnam? Not so much. But is a suburban split in Hellsville, Ohio worth burning the skin off tens of thousands of brown people in Mesopotamia? Sure…

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The second wave of boomers (1955 – 1965) saw the whole hippie thing as bullshit and hence: the above noted fuckwittery of NYC in the late 70s. And what did they do? Voted for Reagan and Clinton and Bush v2. because they’re too cynical and hopeless to think they have a choice in things, when actually it’s their choices that are making things so craptastic.

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I was there – I saw ALL this shit go down in NYC “Back then”.

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Concert Experiences are a good measure. The following are “tip of the iceberg” of the long list…

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1972: Jesus Christ Superstar at the Wintergarden theatre

1973: SLADE with Blue Oyster Cult (I forget where)

1974: Bowie – Diamond Dogs – @MSG

1975 Elton John @ MSG. Who comes out to favour us with a tune or three? John Lennon.

1975 ELP – Roosevelt Stadium

1975: King Crimson Central Park

1975: Bruce Springsteen – Stone Pony Asbury PArk

1976 Yes Roosevelt Stadium

1976: Philip Glass: Einstein on the Beach

1977 Talking Heads, CBGBs (or was it at the Mudd CLub? I fergit)

1977: smoking reefer in Washington Square Park watching a bunch of kids with record players and close ‘n’ plays inventing Turntablism and Hip Hop

1978: Robert Fripp @The Kitchen

1978 EQUUS with Anthony Perkins

1978: Blondie (somewhere downtown)

1978: Suicide (at a party (I think) somewhere lower east side)

1978: Fred Frith (some artsy function)

1978: Television (somewhere downtown)

1979: Patti Smith (Columbia Uni?)

1979: Material (some club – Danceteria?)

1979: James Chance and the Contortions (some club)

1980: XEX – at a party in NJ.

1980: celibate Sluts – at a party

1980: Laraaji: @ Weiser’s occult book store.

1980: Hermann Nitsch at the International Arts Festival

1981 – Lounge Lizards (god knows where – somewhere downtown)

1981: MX80 (some club downtown)

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And that’s just a few of the high lights. This doesn’t include all the jillions of art openings in SoHo, or having Laurie Anderson and Jenny Holzer and Nancy Holt and Charlotte Moorman as profs in Art School. Seriously. I’ve been there and done it all, and when I was finally able to stand up straight and look around, all I saw was a vast sea of garbage. A culture that had driven itself off into the weeds of mediated imbicility and into the empty rhetorical cul de sac of post modernism. It just filled me with revulsion.

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To quote Devo “Something ’bout the way you taste makes me want to clear my throat, there’s a message to your movement that really gets my goat. I look for sniffy linings but you’re rotten to the core. I’ve had just about all I can take. I can’t take it no more. I got a gut feeling…”

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The first chance I got I was OUT OF THERE. I left that hellhole behind. Of course, because I’m basically an idiot, I went from frying pan directly into the fire: Washington DC …for the 1980s…. with a crackhead for a mayor and a crime rate that made San Salvador look like Disneyland….

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I know how to pick ’em!!!!

11:54 pm February, 24 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I tried to go surfing on the mighty St. Lawrence River , which divides New York and Ontario, yesterday and all I caught was ice-fishing huts and smugglers. Fuck winter, I says. Fuck it. And get out of your funk Americans. Just do it. Just get rid of that commie muslim leader and his gaggle of Harvard/Chicago cronie Jew posse and things will be ayight. Go, go, Gingrich chins.

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Sons of Anarchy

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12:19 am February, 25 The Reverend Chad Kroeger's Insomniac Consience said...

Man that pear reminds me of my vivid nerve-tonic induced dreams of oil-wrestling Sarah Palin in a public arena to the cheers that are emitted as I plunge my nam-mule cocck into her taught yet fleshy glistening whitebread-hunter posterior to her little school girl squeals as she writhes in the ecstacy that is man-mule cocck anal-loving.

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Moose Knuckles

12:19 am February, 25 tall guy said...

I want to visit Canada as well, Kroeger. I have an aunty and a cousin living there.

3:12 am February, 25 CB Popped said...

Giving up on humanity.

Troy you ignorant slut

there is nothing that defines post-modernism better than screeds against post-modernism. i will not defend rebellion in any place that currently has a valid category of searchable residential real estate above 10 million dollars, or its vacinity.

however, as the late 20th century atrophied through many institutions, great progress was made in many areas.the artsy poofy, poseuy puffers may not have needed punk, and glam, and everything else, but the rest of the country did, and still does, for as sure as keith urban has a 200k pick up truck.

5:42 am February, 25 Guid is Good said...

Henceforth I should like to be adressed as Prince Pierre Casiraghi. I like that name.

7:26 am February, 25 shawk said...

Thanks for the Robert Frank photo link.

8:52 am February, 25 Nancy Dreuche said...

@CB Popped, this early in the season?!

9:35 pm February, 25 Doucheywallnuts said...

My all over-rated list.

1) Jesus/ “God” or any other such silliness by any other names

2) Shakespeare

3) Springsteen

4) NYC in general, with particular animus towards Broadway and the Arts community

5) Angelina Jolie

6) Neatness

7) The Ivy League Schools

8) All Religion

9) Country music

10) Brad Pitt’s hair

10:40 am February, 27 Mr. Biggs said...

Our douchebags don’t inherit their douchebaggery! They earn every ounce of their douche! DOUCHE S A! DOUCHE S A!

Ahh so much win here. Gotta love Colbert.

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