Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Andrew Breitbart

Most of you have never heard of this shreiking rhesus monkey, nor the intellectual poo he attempts to fling on a daily basis.

And while I try to keep this site apolitical (‘bag hunters of all persuasions are welcome to join the collective douche mocking and hottie oggling), I realized that to call this narcissistic prancing self-hating windup toy of neurotic dysfunction and deep Freudian issues “political,” would be like calling a Kardashian a “thespian.”

This meandering buffoon screams for a living on the teevee, having finally found a profitable way to channel his daddy hatred. Substitute “government” for “Father who didn’t love me enough” and you’ll diagnostic the problem with nary a need to take an intro psych course.

His is the inchoate rage of self-hatred turned outward. A core pathology that informs so much of douchebag culture. Merely substitute fauxhawks and bling for political babble, and sex drive for vicarious power sycophantage, and you’ll have this retched disgrace of yak spittle in a nutshell.

So for yipping like a castrated mule on any media outlet he can find, for his clear chronic masturbation problem and rage at the people who wouldn’t date him in high school, and for clogging the collective media arteries with verbal drivel, I hearby bequeath the moron known as “Breitbart” an honorary “Douchebag of the Month.”

If internet clown Matt Drudge hadn’t taken pity on this solipsistic loser back in the mid 00s, a Carl’s Jr. in Westwood would never have been deprived of its night manager.

# posted by douchebag1
2:07 pm February, 15 Douche Springsteen said...

Look at that poor little paid-to-pose hott that Wired hired for whatever event this is, with Breitbart’s tentacle wrapped around her. I don’t care that she never put on a pair of glasses until right before she started to work that day. I’d still de-frag her hard drive any day.

2:10 pm February, 15 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Damn, sounds like somebody crapped in the boss’ cornflakes this morning. And his name is Breitbart.

2:23 pm February, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

In my first year of university in 1984, I took a semester at an old notion of a thing called the “School of Journalism” thinking I may be a Peter Jennings type. Wasn’t for me because I flunked typing, for reals typing was a credit course, and switched to business and economics shit. In Reporting 101 they had a word for people like Bloomberg, Breitbart, Huffington and their type of “aggregation experts”. They were politely called “plagiarist hacks” and were subject to legal recourse in the old days.

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Gumbles

2:25 pm February, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

And she was yummy until his smarmy arm grappled her fleshy young shoulder like a medium-rare pork loin roast.

2:40 pm February, 15 DouchYouWannaDance said...

LOVE IT!

Brietbart is A Jackhammer among tools.

2:50 pm February, 15 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Don’t know much about this character but from what I’m reading on the internet he appears to be a journalistic organelle and pathological opportunist. Wonder what he did to piss the DB1 off??

2:51 pm February, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Who the fuck is this guy? Never heard of him because he isn’t on Fox News Network or a sports channel.

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I understand the rant though as I would stab Glen Beck in the eye with a spork given the chance

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I’m still crushing on Martha MacCallum

2:52 pm February, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

These talented Canadians celebrated when they learned Bretbart wasn’t a real Jew.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iNcAYv7GYUM&feature=related

3:00 pm February, 15 Paul L. said...

Look at that poor little paid-to-pose hott

Amazing how completely wrong to are.

That is Attention Whore Julia Allison

http://julia.nonsociety.com/

http://www.juliaallison.com/bio.html

3:07 pm February, 15 Wedgie said...

Dear Dr. Gupta:

I have developed a small problem, relating to my urinary tract. Namely, every time I urinate, it burns severely, and flaming gobs of napalm drip out the end of my penis. Do you have any suggestions as to what this is, or what could be causing it?

Your advice would be much appreciated.

Thank You,

Andrew Breitbart

3:07 pm February, 15 DarkSock said...

On a separate topic, I shall be on a sabbatical for a week or so. I’m taking the wife and kids to Disney World, where I intend to toss a fifth of gin, flip off President George and watch a good man die. Maybe get a new set of black mouse ears too.

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BREITBARTERS.

3:11 pm February, 15 Wheezer said...

Come on, ‘Sock – we know why you’re really going:

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YLmQDN5B5E

3:16 pm February, 15 Wedgie said...

Breitbag is a tool, but his PTP librarian hottie is fuccen hott. Boner, baby.

3:31 pm February, 15 Wheezer said...

Paul L. (3:00 p.m.) nailed it.

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I wouldn’t mind a crack, either. She is a dog lover.

3:39 pm February, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Paul L.

Per her bio she sounds like a narcissistic little beeyatch, in particular:

“I wish I had a British accent so everything I said would sound smart.

Instead I was born in Chicago.”

How dare she shit on Chicago tis one of the great cities of the world

3:41 pm February, 15 Et Tu Douche? said...

Wheezer @3:31 said:

“I wouldn’t mind a crack, either. She is a dog lover.” I think what he really meant was she like doggy style and who can blame her.

3:49 pm February, 15 Wedgie said...

Sock peed in Chicago once.

4:12 pm February, 15 Guid is Good said...

@ETD – have to agree with your assessment of Ms Allison. She sounds insufferable. Her website is cutting edge though – scrolls left to right not up and down, very Web 3.0.

4:16 pm February, 15 snizz said...

wow 5 graphs and still not one example of what you are mad about….just name calling and crying Typical artsy fartsy california liberal ….

4:36 pm February, 15 Bret Easton Douchis said...

Hey snizz….pull your nose out of A.B.’s ass for two seconds.

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Remember the truism that nobody ever goes broke Speaking Comfort to Power.

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Go watch the video of an obviously drunk A.B. “acting out” at CPAC in front a bunch of docile but chanting OWS types. The fact he began his confrontational tactics with police near at hand indicates a huge yellow stream down his back.

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To extrapolate; Breitbart is hung like a grape, and his balls are even smaller. Kinda guy who sucker punches you in the bar because you “looked kinda funny.” To reverse that kind of logic, he needs to be spayed and neutered, for the good of the gene pool.

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He creates mythology that Drudge turns into right wing talking points, claimed as fact.

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He’s hilarious in all the wrong ways, and the Foster Brooks (via David Brooks) of our generation.

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A poet even Glenn Beck can understand and appreciate.

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Ergo, a douche.

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In Breitbart-esque terms, snizz, when are you gonna stop raping people?

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4:49 pm February, 15 Bret Easton Douchis said...

Jesus….tattoo that on my ass…

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STOP RAPING PEOPLE

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Goddamn Happy Hour…

4:58 pm February, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

I don’t know who this guy is. Therefore he doesn’t exist. Well he does exist but um I don’t really care about him.

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Happy Hour Harshers

5:01 pm February, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

And you know what, I highly doubt he has the people skills to run a Carl’s Juniors. Anyway have a great vacay DarkSock. I suppose we’ll have to adjust to DB1 running this place in your absence.

6:10 pm February, 15 DixieRecht said...

I find it odd this type of vitriol is always directed at conservatives. Never liberals.

Matt Drudge? It is humorous how the Lefties attack his web site. In reality it is nothing more than links to current news on AP, NYT, WaPo, Fox, NY Daily News, and just about anything else. Far from ‘falsehoods’

Wow…why the hate?

6:55 pm February, 15 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Don’t care much for politics myself, much like my feelings towards religion.

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I guess you could say I’m a political atheist then as well. Politics don’t exist, so fuck off.

7:06 pm February, 15 soy bomb said...

Yes, DixieRecht, conservatives never, and I mean never, direct vitriol at liberals. ever.. What kind of isolated tea-bagged soaked alternaverse do you reside in? Yeesh.

7:24 pm February, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Holy shit, the gravity of DarkSock leaving just hit me. Sure I’ve had like six margaritas but still, Disneyland is hella gay dude. Hurry back.

8:10 pm February, 15 troy tempest said...

@Dixierecht – nothing like a strawman for your argument. DB1 called Drudge a clown. Being a clown has nothing to do with veracity of claim. A clown can speak the truth.

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You’re just a typical rightwing dumbshit looking for an argument. Too bad you’re too stupid to put a coherent one together.

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Now run along and go find some turds to gargle.

8:30 pm February, 15 douches Wild said...

This ranting combo of colostomy bag/golem is the brain behind the puerile pencil-neck James O’keefe, he of the pimp provocateur and aroma therapy Lothario schemes to undermine Acorn, freedom of the press and all that is cuddly, good, or fattening. The image of O’keefe coiled inside his “love boat”, ready to seduce an unfriendly female reporter ranks high in the anals of unintentional satire. I imagine Breibart was lurking in the bilges hoping for a vicarious thrill. Tools, one and all!

8:48 pm February, 15 Capt. James T. Douche said...

He looks like the love child wrought from Chevy Chase shooting his seasoned load into John Lithgows welcoming mangina with his manovaries over-stimulated by female Sasquatch sex hormone harvested during their peak mating season.

Breitbart and the Hendersons

8:49 pm February, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Peebutt Bryson

8:49 pm February, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Peebutt Rebozo

8:50 pm February, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Peebutt Winans

8:52 pm February, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Peebutt Neuwirth

8:52 pm February, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Peebutt Singer

8:54 pm February, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Peebutt Ramone

9:44 pm February, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Wait, so is this dude like someone I should care about? Because he totally looks like the guy who hands out pet food samples at my Costco. And they dont allow pets in there in the first place so really, whats the point?

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But seriously, back to the real issues. DarkSocks on vacation. That’s means more llama shit and just general sad sackness all around. Not.cool.

9:48 pm February, 15 Nancy Dreuche said...

Does anyone remember the giddy times of AssPearalloza? I sure do. Boundaries were pushed. Couches were set in fire. Frivolity was at an all time high. Glory days, they will pass you by. Glory days, in the wink of a young girls eye. Glory days. Oh. Those glory days.

10:29 pm February, 15 jonezy said...

yea, this douche is a gooey semen stain that you’ll inevitably sit in if you spend too many days on your proverbial buddy’s couch that we call American politics.

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This analogy is destined for failure as I’m guessing this symposium of bag hunters is as familiar with varsity sports as you are with politics, but B-bart dickface here is like that kid that joins your high school sports team because he knows the coach doesn’t cut anyone and then submits a half assed effort everyday while their parents deploy a campaign of abusing the coach with their constant volunteerism just so they can bug the coach into “earning” their kid a varsity letter, and then the kid immediately quits the team but wears his fucking lettermans jacket all around campus telling naive girls he’s the goddamned star of said sports team and has the letter to prove it.

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That’s the type of asshole Breitbart is. Fucking undeserving. sniveling, unhonorable, soulless, piss-fart.

10:31 pm February, 15 whorefinder said...

Thanks for proving once again that leftist ‘tards have no arguments other than ad hominems.

The castrated mules yipping on TV are named Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Billy Maher, buddy boy. But no doubt they are your three heroes from the school of take-a-quote-out-of-context and blow-it-up-in-front-of-audiences-of-9/11-truthers-using-hacky-comedic-devices-outdated-forty-years-ago. Let’s all hope the next guests on their shows are the Al Queda suicide bombers and Obama’s buddy, murderer Bill Ayers. And they all decide to demonstrate their explosive talents, right then and their.

The entire studio’s IQ would go drastically up a few moments later.

Keep pushing for that totalitarian paradise, comrades. Occutards unite! Seig heil, mein Obama!

12:06 am February, 16 Nostradouchus said...

The bad guy from T2 let himself go….

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I know of B-bart, and he is a Grade-A ‘bag.

Brietbart is the scumbag who funded and molested james o’keiffe when he was born a poor white child who’s only asset in this world was a legacy that allow him into pikes, or tekes, or whatever.

in classick hotchick and douchebag style o’keiffe teamed with hannah(that walk don’t lie, and your method acting is more method than acting) giles, for the pimp and ho videos, that if you edited them heavily enough, would suggest that acorn didn’t laugh in their faces hard enough.*they did nothing wrong, and did alert authorities unlike what you may have seen when the videos were plastered on the news*

brietbart is one of the sources of right wing, not journalism, that some times convinces desperate rating and page starved media enterprises to pretend is legit.

no bigger douchebag, sort of the rare hobodouche, that brietbart.

moonbats

4:56 am February, 16 Doucheywallnuts said...

Breitbart is a symptom of the system we have created for ourselves. A society that celebrates celebrity, not accomplishment or achievement. Unfortunately, we deserve all of the Breitbarts, Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermanns, Bill Mahrs et al because we allow them to exist. The government confiscates our salary and life savings, but we don’t care, we have our iPad, iPhone, Internet (for now), over-sized wrist clocks and flat screens. Our personal freedoms are being taken away and more and more people have their hand out while they suckle at the teat of the government. But hey, it’s cool, I’m on Twitter and Facebook!

5:22 am February, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

For every righty bag there is a lefty bag. I see Teabaggers.

7:47 am February, 16 Willie said...

I don’t know much about Breitbart either -but why slam Drudge? He compiles links to articles? When does Drudge render an opinion about anything on his website? I’ve only seen him on TV like 3 times and that was when he helped break the Monica Blewinsky story 15 years ago.

Seriously, Drudge has had 905,137,004 visits to his site in the past month… sounds like traffic envy to me.

7:51 am February, 16 Willie said...

Oh, on a side note this political crap is in the air I guess. I just had to Unlike the Foo Fighters on FaceBook and remove all their music from my Ipod – since they found it prudent to do a $38,000.00 a seat fundraiser for the douchebag in chief Obama. I’d hate to have to discontinue my visits here because of politics bleeding into the fun.

8:29 am February, 16 Doucheywallnuts said...

I had a bleeth bleed into the fun once.

8:48 am February, 16 jonezy said...

^ to be fair Willie, the Drudge site does auto-update like every 2 minutes, so that metric is a little suspect. Dude can pull some page views for sure, and like StackHouse, he doesn’t give a shit where they come from

9:50 am February, 16 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

In fairness to Breitbart, at least he’s not Bill Maher. And it was hilarious when he hijacked the Anthony Weiner press conference. Actually took the stage and answered questions. Surreal. Btw, why were Weiner and Hominahomina Hamza not up for a Douchie?

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As to SE Cupp, she is the pureness of gun-totin, school-uniform-wearin, libertarian-librarian party-girl conservahott. Check out the legs, fellas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L-ObCaDwq8

1:58 pm February, 16 Baron Von Goolo said...

SE Cupp is a regular on FOX? Dammit. Now my erection has an ideological conflict. And I was having such a nice day, too.

3:01 pm February, 16 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

Not to vorry, mein Baron. She WAS a regular there. Now she’s the token conservative against Martin Bashir, etc on MSNBC.

3:07 pm February, 16 CB Popped said...

I think DB 1 is just a tad jealous of that Librarian hott Breibart is pulling.

3:54 pm February, 16 troy tempest said...

whorefinder wrote:

Thanks for proving once again that leftist ‘tards have no arguments other than ad hominems.

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and then spends the rest of his post doing ad hominem attacks. Genius. Sheer genius.

4:29 pm February, 16 John said...

Man, I’m bummed DB1! Breitbart is one of my favorites. Don’t tell me, you’re a John Stewart fan. Sheesh!

Brietbart is a lot like you. He goes after the phonies, the fakes, the preening, strutting blowhards (mostly in the media) that lie and cheat and try to convince us that they’re something that they’re not. He was interviewed by Adam Carolla and it was great-better than you! Have you listened to it? I believe the two of you could share a bottle of Thunderbird and a good conversation some day.

8:05 pm February, 16 Anonymous said...

Whorefinder, please read the Patriot Act, and then re-read your post. Fascism is right wing, not left wing: it is your ilk who have brought us closer totalitarism.

Check out ‘The Irony of American History’, and you will see exactly where the right wing is taking us. ‘tards indeed.

8:05 pm February, 16 Anonymous said...

Fuck: totalitarianism

10:33 pm February, 16 B-Ball said...

Old photo is old. The hottie looks like Mrs. Roper these days.

10:50 pm February, 16 B-Ball said...

Yeah, this is what Julia Allison looks like now.

11:52 pm February, 16 Tits McGee said...

Did you see that uber bag on The Young Turks this week? OMG he looked and acted like he’d been on a three week bender. That is one fugly fidiot.

11:54 pm February, 16 Stephanie said...

Breitbart is having his 15 minutes. The news is slow and how much BS politics and Whitney Houston can you talk about anyways… people like this,have a limited shelf life,like any douche. That’s why they’re douches.

11:56 pm February, 16 Tits McGee said...

John Said – Breitbart is the CONSUMATE phoney, fake, blowhard, lying, POS that there ever was. Dood – you’ve got to back away from the Fux News; it’s really messing with your head. People who watch Fux News are less in formed than people who watch NO news. Smarten up.

12:01 am February, 17 Jeet Kune Douche said...

With joy, I will piss off ALL of you on the Left AND Right with the following highly political statement:

RON PAUL 2012!!!!!!!!!!!

Yessiree, Douchebag mockers, EYE BEE A PAULTARD!!!!!!

LULZ!!!!!

12:49 am February, 17 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

Well, at least “Fux News” has some originality advantage over “Faux News”. Not much, but it sounds dirtier anyway. Weird how some guys get their knickers in a twist over the Awesome Power of one cable news channel. Maybe just jealous of the Hotts.

1:44 am February, 17 Baron Von Goolo said...

@ Willie 7:51

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Hate the artist, playa, not the art. You can treat women with respect and still listen to James Brown. You can say no to drugs and still listen to, well, pretty much all of them. If left-wing politics is going to be your dealbreaker, what’s left? You can’t even rely on country anymore thanks to those no good hippie Dixie Chicks. I hope you like listening to Cat Scratch Fever on an endless loop cuzza that’s gonna be about all you can handle.

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Coincidentally, according to Vatican documents, Cat Scratch Fever on a loop is the level of Hell reserved for people that torture animals. True fact. Look it up.

5:48 am February, 17 Benjamin Doucheraeli said...

So true, mein Baron. I mean, what movies would I ever see? When would I ever check out this site? Entertainment transcends politics. And Meretrices Ante Fraternam

7:15 am February, 17 Scrotewank Jones and the furry furry Douchetrots said...

“I try to keep this site apolitical”

Now let me write an article bashing a conservative writer, then bash another conservative writer in the article about me bashing the previously mentioned conservative writer.

DB1, you’re a writer from California so nobody would have expected you to saddle up to Breitbart, but this is so predictable.

PS-Vote Libertarian!

7:27 am February, 17 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ BVG

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“Coincidentally, according to Vatican documents, Cat Scratch Fever on a loop is the level of Hell reserved for people that torture animals. True fact. Look it up.”

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So does that mean I can put Michael Vick through my own personal “re-education” program first as long as I know he’s on his way there? Oh please, oh please, oh please oh please let me.

12:30 pm February, 17 Anonymous said...

In a totalitarian state, there will be only one channel.

6:41 am February, 18 Bret Easton Douchis said...

To comment on the photo, though, it *is* consistent with the mission of the site….in that there are *two* Attention Whores in the shot.

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Hot “look at my pert boobies” fake Librarian Hott next to self-promoting “behave yourselves” Foster Brooks fake Moral Scold.

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She’s hot. He’s a different kind of douche.

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In the interests of “equal time”, does anybody have a photo of Olbermann with his dominatrix?

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Dungeon Diaper.

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