Monday, March 12, 2012

A Pile of Herpster Sludge

Three middle fingers,

Two orange Asians,

And a hot chick in a forest fire.

# posted by douchebag1
2:01 pm March, 12 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

where’s the hot chick ?

2:02 pm March, 12 Doucheywallnuts said...

They are obviously from the Mandarin region of China.

2:08 pm March, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Ripped fishnet stockings reeks of rough play in the mens room.

2:10 pm March, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Happy to be there McGee, in background upper right is all right in my book.

2:11 pm March, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Happy to be there McGee could not handle Ripped fishnet stocking hott.

2:13 pm March, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Ripped fishnet stocking hott looks like a sluttier version of Jake Ryan’s GF.

2:32 pm March, 12 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Ripped fishnet stocking looks like she’d pretty much do anything you want to do to her if you buy her a Wendy’s doublestack with cheese.

2:41 pm March, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Ripped fishnet stocking looks like she can drink like a sailor on shore leave.

2:43 pm March, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Hershel Largeman waits behind the tree for his chace to save the blonde shiksa from herself and Asian Fusion halitosis

3:08 pm March, 12 tall guy said...

Herpster on left is old enough to know better. Unfortunately for us he doesn’t.

3:11 pm March, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Chick on the right is in pregnant porn. She’s known as a “adult movie lactress”

3:21 pm March, 12 Stephanie said...

What a pile of poo. Plunge the toilet.

3:22 pm March, 12 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I hope they all meet painful ends from fugu poisoning!

3:27 pm March, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

The John Largeman family tree is a mess, from Kip the other week, to Jan from last year and now Hershel.

3:28 pm March, 12 Et Tu Douche? said...

Tom Waits just called he wants his hat back.

.

Poseurs

3:37 pm March, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

Pro-tip: When club hopping with douches bring your pregnant friend along to look slimmer and more available.

4:00 pm March, 12 tall guy said...

Nice one, Dreuche. One from your clubbin’ guide or a slice off the real life Dreuche experience? Of course the later suggest you actually had friends, while the former implies the foetal girth of a preggers lassie could miraculously be of a lesser circumference than your sans child belly. Possible? Well anything’s possible…

4:08 pm March, 12 The Dude said...

I just called. I hate everything, and especially everything.

4:41 pm March, 12 Wedgie said...

I prefer ShempHawk.

4:41 pm March, 12 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Boss goes with 5 5

10. Is this the start

of a new haiku form called the docuhe-ku?

4:48 pm March, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

@The Dude, I hear ya. That’s my motto as well.

.

@tall guy, yeah sure, whatever helps you sleep at night pally.

5:09 pm March, 12 ehcuodouche said...

So anyway, I get letters of two types. Letters of the first type are along the line of “Yo, Eh,” (I get a lot of letters from Canada for some reason) “Eh, how did you get your start professional douchepunching?” Letters of the second type are along the lines of, “I have a favorite drink X, what type of Douchepunch goes with it?”

Let me tell you first that anyone can be a professional douchepuncher. A good pair of brass knuckles will make even the biggest douche go down faster than a Vietnamese hooker after being shown a $20 bill. The key element is surprise. A douchebag will always be prepared for some other douche to “come at me bro,” but they’ll never suspect some scrawny guy with five pounds of metal on his fist to just walk up to them and clock them out without so much as a verbal challenge.

That’s why I think there should be way more women douchepunchers. A douche would never expect some girl they were leering at to come up and deck them. They’d probably think up to the last second that the girl was admiring they’re mad frolicking skills and was going to give them her number or a sloppy beejay right on the dance floor.

That’s why women are much better douchepunchers. Female douchepunchers will rarely face retaliation from a douche. They can also get away with a kick in the nads, which I feel is a much more appropriate punishment for douche behavior than clocking someone; so much so that I designed a special brass foot ring for women that is available for the low, low price of $29 (www.douche-punching.com for the details.)

Anyway, this group of douches reminded me of my first time. I was a 19-year old scrawny kid. As I was growing up in San Diego, naturally I spent the weekend evenings getting drunk in TJ. (For you Canadians and other non-locals, this city is not pronounced TEE-A-WANNA, it is pronounced TEE-JAY, the A is silent.)

Anyway, I was in this Teejay bar with a bunch of my friends when this group of Guidos takes over the dance floor. This was back in the day when douches were predominantly Italian, and also before the massive increase in passenger air travel moved underage douchebag drinking on to more vacationy Mexican cities of Cabo and Cancun.

Well, it was the usual Guido sausagefest, six Guido guys frolicking all over the dance floor and looking for approval from one Guido girl drinking long island ice teas for all their shitty behavior. If they weren’t knocking people off the dance floor with their wild gyrations, they were physically pushing or slapping people out of their way for dancing near them, hitting on the guido girl (who was somebody’s sister, natch,) or hitting on other hot chicks at the bar they had their eye on. And nobody was calling them for their behavior, not even this 6′ 6″ Navy Seal-type guy drinking alone in the corner, just cause of their numbers. So their behavior was just getting worse.

Anyhoo, I was inspired by a bucket of Coronitas. These are these little bottles of Corona they sell in a bucket of ice for $5 (back in the day) which taste like piss by themselves but magically become delicious when paired with a bucket of ice and three or four $1 tequila shots taken beforehand. So people in my group were like, “Somebody has to do something about these assholes…” and I came up with a plan. It was drunk and delusional, but it just might work.

I polish off the last of my Coronita, and grab it and the bucket of ice. I turn to face the Alpha-douche, who has become the John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever douche in the center of the dancefloor.

I whip the empty Coronita bottle at him with all my might. Because it’s smaller than the regular Corona bottle and my experience as a little league baseball pitcher, it travels at tremendous speed and strikes the Travoltabag base-first clean on the forehead. He drops like a greasy stone, and his five friends turn and start coming at me.

I grab the ice bucket in both hands and then start twirling around like I’m throwing the hammer at the Olympics. The centrifugal force has pushed all the ice to the bottom of the bucket, and each time a douche enters the hammer radius I hear and feel a “WHAM!” as the bucket impacts the side of a douche’s head and he spirals into the crowd, accompanied by a shower of ice from the bucket, which was tremendously refreshing for everyone else in the heat of the crowded bar.

Five “WHAM’s” later, I stopped and surveyed the scene. As each stunned douche had landed in the crowd, the other patrons had taken it upon themselves to finish the job with much pummeling. TJ’s finest showed up five minutes later, after which each douche was taken downtown for interrogation and anal cavity pummeling from the inmates.

The crowd “accidentally” forgot to inform the police about my role in the ruckus, so I was able to share a second, celebratory, bucket of Coronitas provided gratis by the bartender with Guido’s sister, Angelina, who was glad to be rid of those overbearing douchebags herself. After smashing five douchebags in the head with a bucket of ice, Coronitas really hits the spot.

And I then knew I had found my calling.

5:37 pm March, 12 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ehcuodouche, thank you. I hope one day to be as brave as you. Usually I just verbally assault douches from the safety of my basement fortified with a fine Cheeto insulation (at least its better than asbestos). But your tales give me hope that perchance with some further training I too can beat someone up and subsequently get some free booze afterwards.

6:04 pm March, 12 DixieRecht said...

Douce on the left, with the lame pork pie hat, has tatts from the chin down. All down the arm and on the scrawny exposed chest. And those gay expanding earrIngs.

I can hear it now. “we are so proud of you son….no not you, you inked up asshole, your brother. You know, the straight one with a job at Mickey D’s”

8:09 pm March, 12 tall guy said...

Dreuche, I sleep like a baby, toots. I don’t need much and consequently don’t spend too much time in the horizontal posish. I’m a vertical man. Truly.

10:16 pm March, 12 Vin Douchal said...

Ben Flajnik is a boob wrapped around a dope. Fuccen “The Bachelor” is great television. I have been mother fucking this guy more than Mariano Rivera after a three broken bat save over my beloved Red Sox. Mother fucking, I says

10:31 pm March, 12 Whoop-di-douche said...

Even the voice of a now-quieted John Mayer would be soothing after seeing this douched-to-the-hooched pic.

11:15 pm March, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Pele is angry.

11:16 pm March, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Not the soccer player, fuckwanks.

11:17 pm March, 12 Medusa Oblongata said...

Mohawk Eve? WTF? Is that the faux-punk version of Summer’s Eve? The cirrrrcle of liiiiiife….

8:16 am March, 13 DarkSock said...

It looks like they’re standing at the base of Sauron’s Cockk.

11:24 am March, 13 CB Popped said...

The pic says – “The place not to be.”

11:48 am March, 13 Wheezer said...

(takes the handoff from DarkSock, 8:16 a.m.)

.

One CockkRing to fool them all, One CockkRing to find them

One CockkRing as bling f’r ’em all and in their colons bind them

11:50 am March, 13 Wheezer said...

And thus I name their land “Piddledearth.”

.

You can choose where to place the hyphen.

5:04 pm March, 13 Nostradouchus said...

This band should be called D-list…..Sandra Oh’s grandchildren and Freddie Kruger’s son.

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