Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Ask DB1: Sports Competition and Doucheyness

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Hey db1,

I come asking your view on a matter.

As you can see from the utterly retarded Under Armor shirt I’ve attached (fuccin’ Stackhouse, man), it seems the sporting world is starting to get pretty douchey with with the idea of being competitive. So much so that it’s no longer enough to say stupid shit like “Check out my swagger,” it must now be printed on a t-shirt.

Perhaps so people can hate the wearer before they even speak.

I once emailed asking if saying “hater” was autodouche.

I ask the same of this situation: does this type of apparel inspire the same Ed Hardy-esque foaming-at-the-mouth?

Are even real athletes exempt?

Cheers,

Douche of Arabia

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Performative Leniency Rule absolutely does not cover the ‘bag shirtwear. “Get Some” shirts, or any other sort of idiotic pumped-up slogan, is autobag.

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

# posted by douchebag1
8:43 am March, 27 fatness said...

Unless you actually play a sport then pretending you are part of “the sporting world” via a stupidly-sloganed tee shirt is indeed auto-douche.

8:46 am March, 27 jonezy said...

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fuck, now I have to throw out my “this is how you pirouette” onesy with matching Ed Hardy ballerina tutu

8:53 am March, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

The problem is that Under Armor is not sportswear. It is poorly made but well marketed poseurwear, intended to give soccer moms and couch spuds the impression that they are wearing serious athletic gear. The very fact that Under Armor can fit these people belies it’s street cred.

9:26 am March, 27 Stackhouse said...

That shit is tight! I’ve got one for every day of the week Sons. Hey how are all y’all neckbeards? I’ve been busy doing my turkey thang, haven’t really had much time to check in on my haterz. Is Plinky’s Mom still fat? As long as she doesn’t ride fucking bikes I would hit it.

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My sign off catchphrase

9:30 am March, 27 Darryl Strawberry Shortcake said...

Back in my day, all you would need was a “Bo Knows” shirt to let the ladies know who was boss. I altered mine to say “Blow Knows” on account of my serious nose candy habit.

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Baseball Bitches

9:31 am March, 27 Vin Douchal said...

An athlete has two types of gear: practice and game. You wear what you want. Who cares.

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However…..

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There is a douchebag culture everywhere trying to make the quick buck off of a trend, I’m talking to YOU, Tapout. Someone bought my boy an “Affliction” t-shirt for Christmas. He uses it as a pajama top. No way in fuccen hell is he wearing that out of the house.

9:43 am March, 27 Doucheywallnuts said...

Sports are becoming more Douchey by the day. I weep for our future.

9:53 am March, 27 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I don’t think that phrase has quite the same impact it had back its Full Metal Jacket days. It has been over done to the point of cliche by the fist pumping crowd, and is currently so benign it’s been adopted as the title for a harmless little tune by waifish swedish pop-tart Lykke Li.

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This is one swedish pop tart you wouldn’t mind giving a licky:

http://sunsetintherearview.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Lykke+Li+png.png

9:55 am March, 27 The Louisville Hugger said...

You gots to have the douche factor in sports. It’s what makes the game interesting. If you want to watch a douche-free sport may I suggest watching solo distance running. I’m not sure what channel its on but there’s a douche free sport for ya.

10:06 am March, 27 tall guy said...

Well I run middle distance and wear black board shorts with a black tee. It’s a form of sport attire I feel comfortable in. Mind you if the many headed adopt it as a trend I’ll need to rethink the whole thing.

10:24 am March, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I got so sick of labels, I don’t wear anything but generic preferably made out of china shit. Anything solid in a chartreuse, duckling yellow, or robin’s egg blue 90% cotton weave in XL. But Tap-Out is reserved for next Halloween where I wil reprise the douche with chunky jewellery and perhaps a fedora or flab shave reveal in a non-bathroom environment. And board shorts may be worn from solid to pink hibiscus and anything in between cause their cool and shit as long as you have some kind of board. And shit. Shit I says.

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Get Some. Hatter Elder Cocks.

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10:41 am March, 27 tall guy said...

Kroeger, pink boardies (hibiscus or otherwise)=tropical fish.

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Just sayin’.

10:52 am March, 27 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I have some UA underwear I use when I hit the gym mostly cuz they breathe well when you sweat and keep the cheese smell to minimum, also the package claimed they were treated wtih some space age chemical shit that repels skid marks and the way they’re cut makes your junk look huge. But regardless UA and Tapout and all that shit with Red Bullesque sayings on them are douche couture. Anyone still remember NO FEAR shirts? You probably have seen one in the past month or so worn by that asshole you went to high school with who was all into sports but never went anywhere and now looks like Carl from Aqua Teen and took over his dad’s septic business after high school.

11:05 am March, 27 Jacques Doucheteau said...

This is along parallel lines to the Cabela’s ‘bag, who also wear Under Armor in otherwise non-sporting situations. The only difference is that all their clothing has the Realtree camo pattern. Hey buddy, it’s not hunting season, and you’re in a mall parking lot – lose the goddamn mixed pine and hardwood outerwear – unless of course one is actively hunting some cunning and elusive beast. Like this guy is.

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What a fucking gyp. Take a picture of the woods, print it all over a pair of pants and market it as “life like camo” to justify a 70% markup on an otherwise cheap pair of cotton cargo pants. Now you can play Big Buck Hunter for real!

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Realtree camo seat covers for pickup trucks seem to be another hot trend right now amongst this particular form of douche. What, you don’t want deer to see the inside of your cherry bombed Cummin’s diesel as it roars through the forest on 33×12.5″ swampers? Smart.

11:23 am March, 27 Wheezer said...

@Capt. James T. Douche, 10:52 a.m. –

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Anyone still remember NO FEAR shirts?

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Oh yeah…..that shit and the fuccen “Bad Boy Club” were the big forms of utter autobag back in the late 80s/early 90s. Yes, they had a fuccen CLUB! CLUB, I says! We oughta rack ’em upside dere fuccen heads wit’ a fuccen club!!

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See, even the Joe Pesci inside us all agrees.

11:28 am March, 27 BAD BOY CLUB CHARTER MEMBER #27 said...

fk u fkn wheezeer u hatter! jellie rolls all o ya~! FEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:29 am March, 27 Wheezer said...

Well, that^ is what one of ’em would probably tell us were they to post here.

11:30 am March, 27 Stephanie said...

It’s autodouche alright. But my idea of fun would be to go the Johnny rotten route ” I hate ” in front of the name on the shirt with Pink Floyd. “get some” could continue with perhaps “Get Some Balls” , “Get Some Books To Read Because You’re An Idiot” but that’s just my opinion.

11:48 am March, 27 Vin Douchal said...

On the sports topic, baseball opening day is around the corner. Of course my boy’s little league team has been shivering through the season that started mid-February, but that’s I love SoCal….

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Anyway, decidely non-douchey Dennis Eckersley is one of my favorite all time characters in MLB. Here’s an excerpt from the S.I. vault from a 1988 write up:

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“DialEckt, the weird dialect that spread through baseball via the Eck and friends. Early in his career in Cleveland, Eckersley fell under the influence of veteran righthander Pat Dobson, who was given to verbal eccentricities.

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Together they came up with a new brand of chatter. For example, liquor was “oil,” money was “iron,” a big game was a “Bogart.” As for baseball terms, DialEckt included some that have since entered the everyday lexicon of ballplayers: “cheese” (fastball), “yakker” (curveball), “kitchen” (inside pitch) and “kudo” (the bow a batter takes when he bails out). All of this led to Eck’s pithy pronouncement on his craft: “Pitching is simple—cheese for the kitchen and a yakker for the kudo.”

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When he failed to complete negotiations on a five-year contract before pitching the Red Sox’s ’79 opener, Eckersley explained his disappointment to the Boston media this way: “I wore a three-piece, and they chilled me. I wanted the Bogart, but not without the iron out front.”

11:49 am March, 27 crazed aborigine said...

In defense of the under armor: I picked up a set of their “arctic weight” longjohns for sitting in a frozen fuccen duck blind last winter, and they were awesome. They have no slogans, nor are they camo, and they shall never be seen in a mall parking lot or juxtaposed with realtree seatcovers on my F350. They will be unseen, under my multiple layers of thermal wear, while ACTUALLY hunting something in ludicrously cold weather when anyone with any sense at all isn’t outside.

Vegetarians

11:56 am March, 27 tall guy said...

Ugh! Sadly memories of “Bad Boy” decals on the rear window of souped-up Hyundi Excels persists in tall guy’s dirty ashtray of a mind. I always wanted to approach the ‘Bagling behind the wheels of such “sweet rides” and ask them if they really were bad boys. Before dragging them by the scruff of their scrawny necks through the window and onto the ground so I could punch the living fuck out of their dweeb and pig ugly heads.

12:20 pm March, 27 Jacques Doucheteau said...

@ crazed aborigine

I’m not knocking on Under Armour in general. I have a ColdGear long sleeve for when I want to run 5 miles in the lovely 40 degree Oregon rain we see 6 months out of the year.

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What we here object to is the consumer driven marketing ploy focused on selling this type off clothing as casual wear, to give the wearer some outward statement of physical prowess. Wearing a shirt or other article of clothing that primarily serves to advertise one’s self-assigned value as a meat eating, MMA fighting, right bad-ass is a seriously douchey move.

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I know some fighters. Plenty of outdoorsy types too. I know of bow hunters, athletes, blue-collar macho types that for all intensive purposes can be regarded as “real men”. They have work clothing, street wear, sport wear, and maybe even one formal change of clothes (maybe). These different outfits don’t cross-over at any point, because clothing serves a purpose. And being very utilitarian, we wear the clothing that serves the function we’re undertaking. Strutting around to look like a tough guy is not one of those functions. Only insecure little middle schooler douches do that.

12:56 pm March, 27 crazed aborigine said...

@JD

Couldn’t have said it better myself. You won’t catch me wearing camo outside of a duck blind for just those reasons, or wearing anything with a visible label of any of these marketing giants. Except maybe Filson but I don’t think tin cloth has caught on in the club scene yet.

1:30 pm March, 27 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ JD

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So would my cammo hat from a mass spectrometry company (Extrel) be deemed douchey? I think its fuccen hilarious that they even bothered to do this.

1:35 pm March, 27 The Louisville Hugger said...

Big Johnson shirts are still cool right? I’ve got like four.

2:15 pm March, 27 DarkSock said...

I make my own camo condoms. Out of sliced ham.

2:28 pm March, 27 Doucheywallnuts said...

I peed in a duck blind, while peeing in a blind duck, once. Once, I says.

4:12 pm March, 27 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

The only thing I do under camo is drink in tree blinds with a knife, stick, and roll of duct tape 10 minutes from my place in the boreal forest of Ontario at Alvie’s 300 acre overgrown marsh-farm-maple sugar camp. Guns are for pussies, see First Blood Rambo hog hunting. But only every second year when my Dad (respect) forgives me for crashing another of his ATV’s into Alvie’s sap boiler. And by sap boiler. I mean my Dad.

4:48 pm March, 27 Wheezer said...

I’m glad the Stackhouse link was there – I perused a bunch of classic posts, especially this one from Hermit:

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[1:55 pm

December, 22

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Hermit said…

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With Stackhouse’s considerable skill in the preparation of poultry, future employment as an assistant manager at KFC is not out of the realm of possibility, but barring a career in fast food, we’re left to ponder what lies ahead for Stackhouse. Banging vag and crushing puss on the reg can only get him so far. As he approaches middle age, the public at large must ask itself; who is more at risk in Northern Florida, a fifteen-year-old who-bag or the errant chicken, duck or turkey?

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Sadly, we’re left with the frightening prospect of a confused and aging Stackhouse, dressed only in cowboy boots and a chef’s apron, chasing terrified, underage jump-offs through the humid, darkened backstreets of Tallahassee, armed with a meat cleaver and a box of Stove Top Stuffing.]

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GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE, HERMIT!

5:53 pm March, 27 Juke Joint Sniper said...

Who bag jump offs get some porch meat from Stackhouse while the turkey fryer bursts into flames and Bienlich commits career suicide.

6:51 pm March, 27 Guid is Good said...

Stackhouse knows poultry.

8:47 pm March, 27 DarkSock said...

Hey…where’d Hermit go???

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Dammit…

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