Saturday, March 3, 2012

Comment of the Week: Doucheywallnuts

The great Douchey W. was on a tear this week, and wins the coveted Comment of the Week with this simple defense of the Rat Pack in the Sheboygan thread:

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The Rat Pack never hung with the porn biz schevotzes. Although Sammy was known to pop the eye out after he had had one too many Manichevitz’s. Another point of note, he did not share the gift that his people are known for, if you catch my drift. And I ain’t talkin’ about his sense of rhythm.

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The debate about potential Rat Packbaggery began in last week’s discussion of historical proto-douches, but let me set the record straight: The Rat Pack was never douchey. Ever. Partying in Vegas, perhaps. Scoring tons of ladies, most definitely. Alcoholism and too much red meat? Absolutely. None of which is douchey.

50s douchebaggery locates in the greasers, mods, and rockers. Not the Rat Pack.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

# posted by douchebag1
1:02 pm March, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Wallnuts been on fire

Since the gyrosco..aww fuck it enough monkey holes already.

1:26 pm March, 3 ehcuodouche said...

I would have nominated this paragraph from DW for Comment of the Month, and maybe the year.

“One night after shooting had wrapped for the day we were all drinking at this outside bar where we had spent the day shooting. It had been like 90 degrees that day, and back then guys wore suits no matter how hot it was. How dumb was that? That’s one way where Miami is better now. Joey Bishop showed up wearing Bermuda shorts one day, and not only did Frank taunt him all day, he and Norman Fell tied Joey to a mooring at the dock, soaked his pants in lighter fluid and lit them on fire while Bishop was wearing them. As I told you, Bishop was really A-rab, and when he got worked up started ranting in whatever the fuck language it is that those people speak. So as the flames are picking up he starts with the whole yelling and screaming A-rab “wacka-wacka-wacka,” thing. The pants are all lit up now and the hair on his body is starting to burn-off – he was a hairy fucker – and the smell of burnt A-rab body hair and pubes made us all sick to our stomachs. Lucky for Joey, as a result of him panicking, he worked himself free and dove into the drink to put out the flames. Nobody ever wore shorts again.”

2:06 pm March, 3 The Dude said...

Congrats Mr. Wallnuts! And by that I mean if I were getting smooched by Loepard Lady, my tongue would prolly be hanging out too. He’s still a doofus. His buddy dinkus looks equally confused.

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It seems the douchebag problem comes from a mutated or retarded sense of self-awareness, the mental trait that used to separate us from the other primates.

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Being properly self-aware the Rat Pack (and most of the new Ocean’s Eleven group) can wear gaudy stuff and preen around the ladies without getting their essence mired in the effluvia of body spray and other addoucherements. <- That's French, bitch.

2:38 pm March, 3 skrag2112 said...

“50s douchebaggery locates in the greasers, mods, and rockers.”

So are you saying Fonzie was a douche?

2:47 pm March, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Good point skrag. Fonzie did have some extreme affectations with which to make him self spectacle like Sha-Na-Na’s Bowser though.

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Anyway. Would these cool dudes have been accepted into the swinging 60’s crowd? I don’t think so. But they’d likely fit into Nancy’s flappy quim. Fuck you Gillette, you owe me a TV and three gel deodarants of another brand, like Old Spice or Hai Karate.

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2:55 pm March, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

Well deserved Sr. Wallnuts. And even if I think that if the Rat Pack of yesteryear, were put under the same scrutiny that we give to the dumbasses pictured above we would probably vote more than half of them douche. But just like noone ever gets into the Hall of Hott anymore time changes things and perspectives. Seriously though what is the deal with the HOH? Should be pretty cut and dry one would think.

3:07 pm March, 3 skrag2112 said...

Thank you Rev. And I would say Lenny and Squiggy count as 50s proto-douches. They preened and make ducklips a lot. And they couldn’t even score with two easy skanks like Laverne and Shirley.

3:21 pm March, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ Rev, I predict that Flappy Quim will be added to the list of DarkSock’s next band name possibilities.

3:26 pm March, 3 tall guy said...

“Scoring tons of ladies, most definitely. Alcoholism and too much red meat? Absolutely.”

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No mention of the pink meat? What say you, Dreuche?

3:27 pm March, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

And truth be told out of those three I’d probably only let Gael García access to my super concooter. The two other guys look too much like my brother. And since I’m not Canadian I’m not into that whole keep it in the family thing you guys do up there.

3:28 pm March, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, that means eating ham is not douchey. I win again!

3:33 pm March, 3 tall guy said...

Yeah, you and Gael García can plate up a few slices of Serrano and together wonder at its artistic merit.

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Gael García? What a greaseball.

3:50 pm March, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@ tall guy, a sexy greaseball. Have you seen “The Science of Sleep”? Let’s just say after I watched that he could science my sleep anyday. Plus hes Latin. Me gusta-y.

3:53 pm March, 3 tall guy said...

Well I hope you get some sleep tonight, Dreuche.

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5:02 pm March, 3 The Dude said...

Somewhere in the Yes or No vis-a-vis “Is he a douchebag?” there must be some IQ level. The Lenny and Squiggy *characters* are douchey because they act stupid and purse their lips like a couple of mallards. However, Michael McKean, who played Lenny, is really smart and therefore not douchey. I dunno about the other guy.

5:31 pm March, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^”The other the two look like my brother.” That’s funny son or you have a Mulatto brother with a big nose and cock.

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Curling’s on TSN tonight. Good times.

5:46 pm March, 3 Doucheywallnuts said...

I am honored. The only way I can thank you is to give you this….

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With all the talk of this Rat Pack, there are a lot of misunderstandings about who was in it and how it started. No secrets here, just that over time the Frank, Dean, Sammy, etc. group became known as the Rat Pack, when it was really Bogie and Bacall, Judy Garland, Tracy and Hepburn, David Niven and Cary Grant, and a bunch of others. Sinatra was a member of this original gang. This group was just a bunch of lushes who boozed it up at house parties in the Hollywood hills and surrounding areas. Sure they had wild orgies and did all kinds of kinky shit, but believe it or not, it was not that exciting. The later group, even with a less famous group of characters, was a lot more fun. That Norman Fell, what a guy!

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Frank got in the group so he could bang Lauren Bacall. And bang her he did, my friends. Bogie was sauced all the time, and he even when he wasn’t he couldn’t really get it up. Poor guy. Bacall used to say the best he could do was get it so that is was like “a plastic bag filled with warm marmalade.” So Frank was there to pick up the slack. One thing about Frank was that he could get and keep a hard-on going no matter how much he had been drinking. Even towards the end of his days, he’d have this massive thickster going, and forgot what to do with it. Shonda. I think he was hard when they buried him. Capice?

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Bacall was a real doll. A natural beauty. They don’t make dames like that anymore. But she wasn’t perfect. What’s kind of interesting is that all the women that I have seen and heard about – I’m talking about thousands and thousands of dames – I have never seen the weird physical things on regular girls, and even the pros, that I’ve seen on these celebs and starlets. Bacall had these huge, ugly, hairy nipples that Frank said were too awful to look at. Occasionally they would drip some kind of fluid. He said they were like someone had dropped two pizzas on a barbershop floor. Fa schievotz! Nowadays they could probably do some kind of plastic surgery, but back then all they could do was keep some clothes on her and screw with the lights real low. 

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Now I apologize if any of this offends, but when talking about the “down below” area sometimes there just isn’t a way to be polite or delicate, and after all I am a gentlemen. So if anyone is sensitive to this kind of talk, perhaps you can skip ahead. I told you about how Doris Day was a Head Monster, but what I didn’t tell you is that she had the biggest and most unusual “Man-in-the-Boat” that I have ever seen. It was like an exact replica of one of those classic salt shakers that you see in any diner. It was long and tapered to a head and had like 8 sides to it. And it wasn’t flush against her, but would grow and stick out. Madon! Aside from the phone booth blow job, which was the first time I had ever seen Miss Day in person, and the session in Toots Shore’s stock room, we had many tet-a-tets. One time we were slow dancing at a house part in Topanga Canyon and she was grinding against me good and proper, and whispering shit in my ear that would have made a eunuch sprout wood, telling me she had something she wanted to show me and had something new to do. I could feel something pressing into my leg. I thought she was on the rag and it was her sanitary belt I was feeling. Especially with what she was saying, I figured since she wouldn’t bang me on the rag, she had some new head trick to show me. Head trick, I says. After a song or two I can feel the heat and moisture on my thigh, and Miss Day is getting all worked up and ramping up the dirty talk. She grabs me by the hand and we scram upstairs to one of the bedrooms. She always made me call her Miss Day even when I was balls deep in her keister. Keister, I says.

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So we get into the room and she strips down to her trau, big sheer white panties. Now she had heard about the Miami Shaving Orgy, as it had come to be known, and was a big fan of this new grooming tip.  And I figured maybe that’s what she was gonna show me. Nope. When she took off the panties I saw it, but didn’t know what I was looking at. She told me to come closer. I got dizzy. It looked like a thumb and I could see it moving. Mamma mia! She put my hand on it and got me to workin it. I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was or what my name was at this point, but I did know she liked it. Big time. She got off, how many times I don’t know, before she pushed me down on the bed and mounted me like a moose head in a hunting lodge. Moose head, I says.

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It’s a good thing in those days the swim wear wasn’t too skimpy because you would have been able to see Miss Day’s “gift” through a tiny bikini bottom. As it was, she had to wear special garments and be photographed from certain angles to hide it. Even with all of these tricks, I could always spot her hooded monster. What a freak she was! It’s always the quiet ones…

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Bloochy Maggio, one of Frank’s Hoboken muscle goons, was banging Rita Hayworth for years, from when she was married to that fat fuck Orson Wells, into the early 60s. Bloochy told a great story, and when he got going he would punctuate his monologue with “Ya mean?” or “Na mean?” One night when we were drinking at the Latin Quarter and Blootch was telling us about how he canned Rita in the Horn and Hardart automat on 8th Avenue in New York, Swifty Lazar says, “Bloochy, what the fuck is ‘Ya Mean?'” And Bloochy says, “Ya mean. You know what I mean.” So that became a signature phrase for us. When we’d be telling a story, we’d thrown in a “Ya mean/Na mean?” for emphasis. Great shit. Anyways, Rita had the tiniest friggin’ clam in the world. It was like she was born with it and it never got any bigger.  She grew up around it. Bloochy loved the tight fit, saying that it was like driving a new car every day. Na mean?

I don’t want to go on forever here, as I don’t want to bore you. Ya mean? Next time out I’ll share some of the other physical wackiness, including Norman Fell’s ball bag.

7:41 pm March, 3 troy tempest said...

so, the DB1 shows his hand finally – his postmodernist tracking indicates his class position, and pomo was always very conservative and favoured the neoliberal capitalist ideology, per Habermas. (See: Foster, Hal: The Anti Aesthetic). It seems that people who are rich and wear ties are not douchebags, but people whose class position precludes such finery are.

Let it be known this is where DB1 jumped the shark.

>:-(

7:42 pm March, 3 Blah said...

DW is on fire. Were you there when Lana Turner shot Johnny Stompanato?

7:54 pm March, 3 Blah said...

I am old enough to remember 1950’s hitter-greasers, and I lived among them, and social class had nothing to do with it. They were mostly D-Bags and bullies whose ideal career choice was in sanitation. Their romanticization by Hollywood in the 1970’s and later is a joke played upon those who are either naive or lucky enough to not have lived in the working class neighborhoods where the greasers ran the streets. At least the Jersey Shore D-Bags of today are not as nasty as their forefathers.

9:29 pm March, 3 Steve said...

Does Stallone qualify for ‘baggery? HGH, plastic surgery, hair plugs, the whole italian guido thing (he hangs out with Chuck Zito), and of course, still making action movies like he did 25-30 years ago. Another oldbag trying desperately to cling onto his youth, or just a genuine example of the old cliche “Nothing’s dead until it’s buried”?

10:09 pm March, 3 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^Fuck SNL. DW’s at it again. I will enjoy this period of Rat Pack comedy as long as it lasts.

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Don’t roomates Shelly Winters and Marilyn fit in somewhere here Douchey? Best fuck I ever had was this chick who was like my number two girlfriend for 3-4 years after high-school. She lusted for me but ended up marrying a safe suit cause I wasn’t ready to settle down yet and eventually the affair dwindled away. And although she had the nicest bazzoones I ever titty-fucked, she had hairy nipples and if she didn’t I probably would have made her my girlfriend and married her. Married I says.

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dropped two pizzas on a barber shop floor.

11:09 pm March, 3 tall guy said...

Stallone? Bag! Okay so he’s kept in some sorta shape – as I have, and the similarity ends there – but surgery. plugs et al? fergeddaboudit!

12:03 am March, 4 tall guy said...

Yo! Wedgie, after what seems an endless period of rain, which actually totals about 2.5 days, a day of glorious weather today. Bit of swell w/- nice pitching peaks of 4 to 5 feet in height. Added bonus was a Sunday at the beach for a variety of sun loving lasses (FLL).

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Good times.

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And Dreuche, some of those FLL were built on heftier lines, but as your old mate the whiney arsed Manchurian says:

12:30 am March, 4 Whoop-di-douche said...

The only douchebag in the Rat Pack might have been the one Shirley MacLaine used, if in fact she did use one.

Just sayin’.

2:54 am March, 4 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Is that chick in the background nekkid or am I just seeing things?

4:40 am March, 4 tall guy said...

nope. but douche on right w/- green & red hat looks too smug for someone wearing such a hat.

5:08 am March, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

DoucheyWallnuts should write a tell-all book. I have a feeling there will be plenty of free bad publicity, which is to say free publicity.

6:18 am March, 4 Absurdity reigns said...

No one has “jumped the shark” here. This site rarely has serious posts. It exists to poke fun at the ridiculous and to attract those who are willing to join in that mocking.

6:18 am March, 4 SMOOT said...

GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

7:33 am March, 4 Fonzie said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Ahright who’s been saying dat I’mma douchebag? Was it you? Huh, clown?

Awright, was it you? Sit on it, punk!

Now, was it you? No? No one’s got da guts ta tell The Fonz dat dey wuz callin’ him a douchebag? Dat’s what I thought.

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Shortcakes

7:35 am March, 4 Wedgie said...

Wallnuts, your literary agent must be shittng a Merry Christmas. You are giving the product away, one chapter at a time..

7:35 am March, 4 Mrs. C said...

Arthur, you have a hair out of place. Now STFU and get back up into your garage loft.

7:38 am March, 4 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

Wallnuts I have new respect for you…not that I ever thought you were a schmoe to begin with. Is the ref to the Samster concerning the size of his schwanz? 16 months in Afghanistan has slowed me down a bit…

8:24 am March, 4 Doucheywallnuts said...

Such praise. Now I know how Dinah Shore felt when she was Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. Which reminds of the story about Burt Reynolds and Dinah going at it hammer and tongs in Carroll Rosenbloom’s owners box during an LA Rams game at the Colliseum. Another time…

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Stallone – douchebag. As the great Rip Torn said to John Candy in the movie “Summer Rental, ” “My Jimmy Cagney would destroy your Sylvester Stallone.”

9:02 am March, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Also, if DB1 ever gets an animated series based on the site, I hope to be a contributor…Ya mean?

9:06 am March, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

According to Creature this place jumped the shark when I was inducted into the Hall of Mock. I obviously disagree, it only jumped the shart when that happened.

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Latest entry was pure gold Wallnuts. I definitely ya/na mean.

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Bada bings

2:11 pm March, 4 Tanath said...

50s douchebaggery locates in the greasers, mods, and rockers.

What about rocker leniency?

4:23 pm March, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Tanath, rockstar leniency is only given to those rockstars of the 80’s through 00’s. I know, it should be universal, but this is DB1 we’re talkin’ about. Dude makes up his own rules. Hey, its his page we just comment on it.

9:15 pm March, 4 Nostradouchus said...

Anyone that wears a suit like the Rat Pack did cannot be douchey. That’s like a law of Physics or something.

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However, the various forms of chia-chin in this picture qualifies as douchey.

9:56 pm March, 4 Morbo said...

As the one who suggested the Rat Pack (60s era) were douches in the original thread, I feel the need to pontificate further. I’ve given it some thought, and here’s why I think they were proto-douches, if not douches themselves.

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It’s because of the strain of rich douche bacteria they inspired. Just like there are several different strains of the flu virus, it’s been well documented on this site that there are different strains of the douche/Grieco virus.

If the 50s greasers are Patient Zero for the Jersey Shore douches, the Rat Pack could be Patient Zero for the Rich Douches. The guys who order bottle service in Vegas clubs, dress up in suits all the time to impress the Hotts and generally put on airs.

The Rat Pack, largely because of their general talent and larger than life stature, built up an immunity to the virus. Sinatra may have also played a large part in that, since even by the 1960s he was already “Old School Cool.”

They never caught it themselves. But similar to having a recessive gene, they were carriers and passed it on to succeeding generations.

You can almost trace a line from today’s rich douches back to the Rat Pack’s antics. From Vegas bottle service, to the cocaine and club culture of the 80s, to Studio 54 in the 70s, the behavior is similar. All have wanted to imitate the cool guys they grew up idolizing and failed miserably.

Today’s douches are pale imitations of the Rat Pack, to be sure, but on some level I’d be willing to bet they feel like they’re channeling the spirits of Frank and Sammy. They probably even reference them on occasion, as if they’re somehow paying homage. In reality, Frank would beat the crap out of them for even suggesting such a thing, and Sammy would tap dance a mudhole in their guts and walk it dry.

So, I ask, is it possible to be a douche virus carrier, and pass it on to others without actually being a douche yourself?

Can you be so nottadouche, that on some weird level you inspire others to in fact become a douche through their imitations of you?

10:59 pm March, 4 DarkSock said...

I peed.

11:31 pm March, 4 Little Willie said...

The retard with the tongue hanging out doesn’t look right. Most likely emotionally disturbed and enjoys taking it up the ass.

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