Saturday, March 31, 2012

Comment of the Week: Jacques Doucheteau

J.D. riffs on bosoms and wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week:

———-

Those invitingly sagging malted milk sacks remind me of my 4-H days, squeezing the teats on overinflated udders of 30+ head of cattle twice a day. I got pretty good with my aim too, able to hose down most anything within 6 ft and a 180 degree radius with any one of them four teats.

At youth fair time I’d be squeezing away until a small crowd of urban gawkers would gather “see where milk comes from”, hyuk, hyuk. When their incessant chattering and stupid questions like “does that hurt the poor cow?” became to much to bear, with a quick movement of my pinky finger I’d flip a teat up to horizontal faster than the eye could see, and send a stream of warm unhomogenized up some sap’s nose. I’d apologize profusely and claim that “these heifers udders are all full o’ holes from when we castrate them. In fact, we got some oyster chopping going on here in a few minutes. Y’all wanna stick around and see where yer McDonald’s cheeseburgers come from?” At which point they would quickly disband, much to my relief.

Now you’re probably thinking, what other kinds of fun did you have with cows all alone in the country as a sexually charged youth? Well it’s not what you think. I most certainly did NOT bottle feed calves and then quickly swap out the rubber nipple with my d@#k and latter regret that decision when they started teething in early summer.

Not even once.

————

# posted by douchebag1
12:45 pm March, 31 Sir Douche said...

Douche in photo has the most beautiful natural color eyes.

1:31 pm March, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Shabbat Shalom Jacques. That was heartwarming. I remember being squirted with warm milk. I also know a dude that used to live on a farm and in his 20’s was having calfs suck his cock.

.

He was a weird sort. Not a douchebag by our definitions. Fucking guy would get into a dance place or bar ( I don’t use the word club or bub or that shit.) and he’d ask every girl if they wanted to fuck and give them a disclaimer that he wouldn’t take his boots off for them. Got fucked every night with a new chick, some pigs though.

.

He was a farmer, then an electrician, then a cop, and now he’s the dude at the funeral home that sells pre-arranged funeral annuities. I never cared for the dude much. Gesundheit Sons. Onward toward glory we go.

1:38 pm March, 31 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I forgot to include the Shabass soundtrack.

.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqlHJCtz5nE

1:43 pm March, 31 Pancake Cock Lover said...

Great job Jackie D. Thanks for leaving out the part where the calves started menstruating. Cause you know, that would be crossing the line into the poor taste area. Literally and figuratively, or my name isn’t Pancake Cock Lover.

******
Your name ISN’T “Pancake Cock Lover”…but that’s cool, I see what you did there. Son.
******

3:42 pm March, 31 hermit said...

I grew up in rural Amërîkå and often wondered why cows , who almost always have but one calf, are equipped with four nipples. It seems a waste. In the name of efficiency a female of a given species should have only the number of nipples of an average litter. It would be cool if women, for instance, had one breast centered on the chest in a cycloptic fashion. Males should have none. Sometimes my nipples become sore and throb when I eat too much chocolate or rub them with sandpaper. I may have them removed so I can keep them in paper cups in the refrigerator.

Ever take a good look at the human ear? That are a truly hideous appendage with their whirling cartilage and floppy, useless lobes.

I may have my ears removed too and have them replaced with rubber spatulas so I can pick up more chicks. (just the rubber part, not the handles, that would look stupid.)

I’m drunk and stupid with march madness and hydrophobia and Nyquil®.

5:56 pm March, 31 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Aside from the function, the vagina is a terrible sight to behold. Like a taco or oyster; looks awful, tastes great. Yummy, I says.

8:16 pm March, 31 Douchble Helix said...

Guy goes to a new doctor, one that’s just out of med school.

.

“Doc, It’s crazy. I feel good, but I look gross.”

.

Stumped, but not wanting that to show, this young doctor madly rifles through some medical book, murmuring, “..feels good, looks gross, feels good…”

.

“I got it!”, the doctor exclaimed. “You’re a vagina!!”

8:28 pm March, 31 Sofa King said...

King Douchous has a Blackula look going.

8:29 pm March, 31 JeanClaudeVanDouche said...

Did someone say warm milk?

And by warm milk I mean great gallons of hot gabagool that ran down the stained pants I received from a homeless man who sat outside the Winter Candyland club for a solid six months just for the chance to possibly catch a whiff of moldy cheese emanating from betwixt the thighs of the bleeths that walked by, and then proceeded to yell “I can smell your cunt!” then throwing his spunk into their hair, which would occasionally land in the douchebags hair and cause such outrageous hairdoos that would then be featured on the next edition of TMZ as “the next big thing”.

Yep, I traded my half filled bottle of night train with the cigarette butte in the bottom of it for those pants.The pants command me!

8:44 pm March, 31 Mr. White said...

Fun fact: If you say “IUV SIUOL” ten times in a row, King D will materialize in your bathroom and leave nasty stains all over your towels while repeatedly calling you “boy.”

8:59 pm March, 31 The Dude said...

Congrats, Frère Jacque.

9:01 pm March, 31 John Largemans Cheeseburger said...

Congratulations J.D. well deserved!!!!

9:01 pm March, 31 DarkSock said...

Mr. White – I don’t understand a word of what you just fucking said.

.

But I’m writing it down and keeping it in my wallet.

.

Son.

12:06 am April, 1 Nostradouchus said...

Is King D taking a shot at 4 Prong’s title? Dance off!

1:30 am April, 1 Douchble Helix said...

“Dance off!” FTW!!

1:34 am April, 1 Douchble Helix said...

I’ve never seen that move on this website before, Dark Sock.

.

Imma no like.

1:43 am April, 1 Douchble Helix said...

And an LOLZ to Mr. White!

6:11 am April, 1 Doucheywallnuts said...

Its fitting that a great comment like Jacques’s is honored by having a picture of the great King Douchious accompany the thread. Louis Vuiton is the upper class douchebag’s Ed Hardy. I will say the King is looking a little puffy. Too much partying at the Winter Candyland will do that.

6:14 am April, 1 Doucheywallnuts said...

I also would like to add that taking a trip to Jivephotography.com is well worth the effort.

1:58 pm April, 1 William Of Doucheland said...

I can’t believe nobody is asking if this guy has a real job.

8:38 pm April, 1 Adolf Skroatler said...

Careful with a calf, the little boogers pull first, in order to get the milk flowing. It can rip your wanger off. Don’t ask me how I know this.

.

ASvB

3:09 am April, 2 CB Popped said...

^Hermit,

It would be great if women had 3 breasts….

5:06 am April, 2 Nostradouchus said...

King D did a great pluck job, btw.

10:29 am April, 2 Jacques Doucheteau said...

About 5 years back a couple buddies of mine went to Thailand for a month and brought back lots of video of their adventures. One of the tapes I was instructed to hide from their respective girlfriends, and no one has mentioned it to this day. The tape starts out “innocently” enough with the four of them tooling about Bangkok with some prostitutes, just checking out the night life.

.

Really pretty boring stuff actually, until the video cuts back to them all drunkenly partying in their hotel room, each one of these unkempt baseball cap wearing Americans with a 4′ 9″ (with the pumps) barely legal Thai girl wearing tube tops and mini skirts sitting on their wide American laps. Their was some mild debauchery taking place, but no exposed genitalia or anything, so I didn’t really see what the big deal was.

.

Then the shortest and oldest of the ladies removed her neon pink tube top to reveal the copious amount of mammary tissue that she held beneath. They were HUGE and hanging low under their own immense weight. All veiny and covered with stretch marks, with each near-black nipple the size of a pickle jar lid, I was shocked to see such enormous knockers on such a frail and petite Asian woman. It was difficult to see in the low light, but as the camera moved in closer I noticed something glistening on the underside of those killer chest monsters. She was lactating. I seeming to notice at the same instant the boys did, and in their drunken state, the situation lent itself to some exploration of a more deprived nature.

.

Within 5 minutes their interest went from staring and laughing, to touching, to rubbing their faces all over it, to actively getting streams of freshly squeezed tit juiced squirted into their open mouths. She was filling up shot glasses faster than a competent bartender with a pair of flair bottles could, and the boys were knocking them back faster than you can say cytomegalovirus. It wasn’t much longer than the scene devolved into straight up suckling. First they were taking turns, then it was one one each tit, and she cradled each of their fat American heads like they were a pair of mutant Marfan twins, streams of human milk dribbling out of the corners of their mouths and down their chins.

.

I shut the video off at this point, to afraid to watch any further, and never discusses any of what I witnessed with any of them. Ever.

10:29 am April, 2 Jacques Doucheteau said...

One udder story deserves another I guess.

4:12 pm April, 3 Medusa Oblongata said...

I just tattooed a tit that looked like an udder. Veins and all, blecch.

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