Friday, March 2, 2012

Friday Thoughts and Links

Fwippy glasses make Douchetacula a particularly foul fowl in presence of Rachel the Tiny Red Bull Hott.

Enough to rankle my cupcakes on a Friday.

And by rankle my cupcakes, I mean torture my soul like a thousand psychoanalytic Torquemadas armed with pins, matchsticks, and Perry Como records.

No idea what I’m saying anymore.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Mid 20th Century British Play of the Week: “We had lots of fun, him and me. Being alive, just being alive. That’s enough for an old girl like me. Chewing the cud and having a little of what you fancy.”

Class

Pervy Mugshots from the early 1920s

Remember Snoopy’s brother, Spike? Kinda awesome that a depressed, alienated, stoner hippie wandered into a comic strip.

In 1952, Ernest Hemingway John Steinbeck said everything there is to say about the process of writing.

Do Not Juge Him. Only God will Juge him.

Here’s your Pear:

Discount Macy’s Sofa Pear

It is 25% off if you use your Macy’s card.

# posted by douchebag1
12:46 pm March, 2 Eponymous Douche said...

Why is the Lohan-ator hanging with Pud Whackstein?

12:51 pm March, 2 jonezy said...

looks like a Jerry O’Connell bag if you ask me

12:54 pm March, 2 jonezy said...

also, will the editor please note that it was John Steinbeck, not Hemingway. Just finished a Steinbeck novel last week actually…

12:55 pm March, 2 Wheezer said...

I need that Macy’s sofa in my place, complete with all of the accoutrements.

.

Well, clothing optional, of course.

1:01 pm March, 2 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Discount Macy’s Sofa Pear Ass is so big Stephen Hawking is inspired by it.

1:08 pm March, 2 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Discount Macy’s Sofa Pear Ass is so big it has its own magnetic pull…on my dick.

1:10 pm March, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Great, once the vag-weasels burrow into that sofa, they are going to hell to get out.

1:11 pm March, 2 Wedgie said...

Good thing we sold my Mom’s childhood home in San Rafael before I saw this. Marin County’s finest. Here’s a little 411 for the 415: you suck.

Love & Kisses from the 858.

1:12 pm March, 2 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Discount Sofa Pear Ass is so big, only god will juge it.

1:12 pm March, 2 Wedgie said...

Only God will correct your spelling for errors, then send you to purgatory (aka Marin County) to atone.

1:14 pm March, 2 Wedgie said...

PS: Gyroscope in Her Monkey Hole.

1:15 pm March, 2 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Discount Macy’s Sofa Pear Ass is so big I juge it to be un-fuckable.

1:17 pm March, 2 Ernest Hemingdouche said...

I said no such thing. A book is not like a man. A man is like a man, all sweaty and with huge, beautiful, swinging things between his legs. What was I saying again?

.

Ah yes… a book is like like a rifle. Sentences should be short and to the point. You don’t go spraying gunfire all over the f-ing place. You aim, you shoot. Paragraphs should be short. A short salvo, with confidence that your aim was true and you hit your target right in the brainpan. Use forceful language. You do not dust your reader with cottonballs of gunfire. You shoot him. He is dead. He had wopping big balls. The end.

.

That is how to write, you donkey humpers.

1:19 pm March, 2 Ernest Hemingdouche said...

PS. Steinbeck was a pussy.

1:26 pm March, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

God has judged Marin County. That is why he placed ape felchers like this douche there.

1:32 pm March, 2 Vin Douchal said...

That dude with the “Judge” tattoo will meet an untimely end in Zzyzx. Zzyzx , bitches, I says,

1:32 pm March, 2 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Bag in pic above is a shoo-in for the open Director of Scrote position at the Marin County Chamber of Commerce.

1:34 pm March, 2 Capt. James T. Douche said...

That is one henious side moob!

1:34 pm March, 2 Vin Douchal said...

Re: Photo above

.

Look at all the people walking away shaking their heads

1:35 pm March, 2 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Discount Macy’s Sofa Pear Ass is so big there’s a line of colored guys outside waiting to tap it.

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.

.

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.

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stereotyping

1:43 pm March, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Discount Macy’s Sophia Vergara Pear Ass.

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Steinbeck’s not written

Since the gyroscope was put

In her monkey hole.

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Wedgie is Appraisos

2:13 pm March, 2 Doucheywallnuts said...

When I see pictures of these young kids cavorting in Miami I can’t help but think about what the old crew would say if they saw what was going on down there, with the whole South Beach scene and how the Latins have taken over the whole area. Back in the day the Jews ran that town. Actually, the Jews ran everything, they used the mob to do the dirty work. The average capo and their crews had no idea that ultimately they were taking orders from Meyer Lansky and his guys.

.

I was down in Miami with Jilly Rizzo, the Fischetti Brothers and Moe Dalitz over-seeing the production of  Sinatra’s “Tony Rome” flick. And when I say supervising production, I mean banging Jill St. John while reporting back to Lansky and friends as to how the Miami sports book was doing. Jill was a real doll. Natural redhead who loved to give head. It’s amazing how many of these babes who thought they were hot shit loved to go down on guys. Doris Day was another one, cute as a button, seemed like Miss America, Polly Purebred, but loved to give head, on guys and girls. One time I held the door open for Miss Day at the Hollywood Brown Derby and she thanked me by grabbing me by the arm, dragging me into a phone booth and copping my joint. She sat on the seat and I acted like I was on the phone, and she did all the rest. “Good to the last drop,” she said, and she actually got off herself in the process. When we were done she got up and took off without so much as looking at me. I went back to my table, finished lunch, and as I was heading out saw her and Bill Holden coming out of the same phone booth. Years later at Toots Shore’s in New York, Doris reprised her performance after I bought her a drink and told her she looked better than ever. This time in the stock room behind the bar.

.

But Miami back in the day was a far cry from what it is like today with all of these underdressed, over-muscled guys. And I don’t think the gang would go for the way these girls look today. The bad fake tits, too much make-up, and the tattoos. Madon! What the guys would like though is the clean shaved pussy. Dean was the first guy I ever heard talk about it. He had this cute little pro, blonde, who he said “Shaved her snapper.” When he told us, nobody knew what the fuck he was talking about. I remember Rickles asking if she worked on a fishing boat, saying “Who shaves a fucking fish?” For all us guys had seen, we never saw a hairless beaver.

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While we’re filming “Tony Rome” Frank tells Jilly Rizzo to get on the blower and call Julliet Prowse, a skirt he was banging on and off since they were together in the movie, “Can-Can” back in 1960. She was this big, tall dancer broad with legs that wouldn’t quit. Frank said she’d wrap her legs around his back and squeeze so hard while he was doing her that he would pass out and shoot his load, or it might have been shoot his load and pass out. Her other “gift” was that she could make noise with her snatch; a pop that sounded like a tire blowing out. Elvis also banged this bird in ’60 when she co-starred with him in “GI Blues.” Frank and Elvis would playfully joke about who made her get off more.

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One night after shooting had wrapped for the day we were all drinking at this outside bar where we had spent the day shooting. It had been like 90 degrees that day, and back then guys wore suits no matter how hot it was. How dumb was that? That’s one way where Miami is better now. Joey Bishop showed up wearing Bermuda shorts one day, and not only did Frank taunt him all day, he and Norman Fell tied Joey to a mooring at the dock, soaked his pants in lighter fluid and lit them on fire while Bishop was wearing them. As I told you, Bishop was really A-rab, and when he got worked up started ranting in whatever the fuck language it is that those people speak. So as the flames are picking up he starts with the whole yelling and screaming A-rab “wacka-wacka-wacka,” thing. The pants are all lit up now and the hair on his body is starting to burn-off – he was a hairy fucker – and the smell of burnt A-rab body hair and pubes made us all sick to our stomachs. Lucky for Joey, as a result of him panicking, he worked himself free and dove into the drink to put out the flames. Nobody ever wore shorts again.

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So anyways, everyone was hitting the booze pretty good. Jill St. John had gone back to her trailer and changed into her bikini, which she was always in when shooting ended, and some of the other local girls were hanging around. Real friendly bunch. One of the things we joked about with Jill was that she had an enormous fire red bush that she was incredibly proud of. Like when a guy has a big cock. So she’s in this bathing suit and Julliet, who had just gotten into town, says Hi to Jill, shoots a glance at her bikini area and says, “Christ Jill, you look like Larry from the Three Stooges down there!” Well this breaks everyone up, and Jill even laughs and says, “What the hell Jules, what do you have going on down there?”

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With this Jules drops her trau and shows off her hairless snatch. “Madon a mia, she’s got no gabiles. No gabiles, I says (pronounced gab-eels),” said Richard Conte, one of Frank’s buddies and a co-star in the Rome flick. My hand to God I had never in my life seen such a thing. It looked like a little pink zipper but without the silver teeth. Pink zipper, I says. Now I know what that guy who discovered penicillin must have felt like when he saw it in that test tube or microscope thing! I could hear Dean’s erection growing in his BVDs even though he was standing 20 feet from me.

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Between the drinks, the hot weather and all ths skin showing everyone was amped up through the roof. And if it weren’t already high-friggin-intensity, Louis Prima and Keely Smith show up to set off this sexual powder keg. Louie and Keely were playing at the Fontainbleau and had a night off, they knew we were carousing and wanted in. These two were legendary hounds; pioneers of the three-some, before we called it a three-some. We’d call it two girls and a guy, or two guys and a girl. Seriously. Louie and Keely would play lounge shows, spot audience members they were hot for and go after them, didn’t matter if it was a dame or a guy. Louie loved to watch and Keely was just as comfortable going down on a guy as she was on a chick. Oofa!

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Meanwhile Dean tells Jilly and Joe E Ross, another stooge of Frank’s, to go find some electric clippers, straight razors and shaving cream, as he had talked Julliet into showing the girls how to shave their beavers. With our help, of course. I think this must have been the first pussy shaving orgy in history. Jill was so turned on after she got sheared that she practiced what Louie Prima called, “My favorite form of birth control,” and blew me, Jilly, Joe E, Louie and went crotch to crotch with Keely for about three hours. Every girl there submitted and had a great time. From what I know, all these broads kept their coozes bald from that day on. Ring-a-ding-ding baby!

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I know this much, Miami of today is nothing like it used to be.

2:29 pm March, 2 Capt. James T. Douche said...

^This is why DW is the single greatest contributor to this site ever!

2:43 pm March, 2 Wheezer said...

Yeah, but the Rat Pack never put gyroscopes in their monkey holes. Or so I’m told.

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That’s fuccen livin’.

2:49 pm March, 2 tall guy said...

Props to DW.

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Also, dude in top photo w/- ugly tatts is approaching hambeast stage. Note the early stage of cellulite developing around his midsection.

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(Not quite) equal opportunist arseholy, but holier than douche any day.

2:51 pm March, 2 tall guy said...

Discount Macy’s Sofa Pear definite HoH nom.

3:29 pm March, 2 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

DoucheyWallnuts for hall of hott.

3:41 pm March, 2 tall guy said...

Absofuckinglutely! And soundtracked by this little ditty:

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4:33 pm March, 2 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I appreciate all the kind words. I’m just a regular guy who has some stories to tell and is lucky enough to have great folks like you to share them with.

,

Paisans

4:56 pm March, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Doucheywallnuts, pretty darn good read coming from a guy who usually just cums on everything, pretty darn good I says. An insiders take on those Rat Pack shenanigans is just the oompa this place needed. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a beaver to shave whilst I listen to some Louie Prima. Happy Friday gambinos and gambinas.

4:58 pm March, 2 Nancy Dreuche said...

I second Dude McCrudeshoes nom.

5:33 pm March, 2 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Douchey Wallnuts has become a 60’s nostalgia savant. And by savant I don’t mean retarded.

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And it is a well know fact that Louis Prima was a cokehead and a world renowned titty fucker like Dark Sock.

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Observe

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7:42 pm March, 2 Adolf Skroatler said...

Discount Macy’s Sofa Pear Ass is so big….

I’d have her lay on her tummy so I could park my bike between those twin orbs of sweet, sweet ham-hock.

ASvB

7:43 pm March, 2 Adolf Skroatler said...

“Do these glasses make me look gay?”

“Nope, the tats beat you to it!”

ASvB

7:45 pm March, 2 Mr. Biggs said...

Hey boss, that’s Steinbeck not Hemingway. And since I am cast in the image of God, I will judge that funny has hell.

7:45 pm March, 2 Adolf Skroatler said...

Darn the luck….

His first trip to San Francisco Sausage-Fest,

and his hot sister tags along.

ASvB

7:52 pm March, 2 Adolf Skroatler said...

It’s a safe bet….

No M.I.T. graduates in this pic.

ASvB

7:54 pm March, 2 Adolf Skroatler said...

Meanwhile at the Special Olympics after-party….

ASvB

7:55 pm March, 2 Adolf Skroatler said...

Apparently, the “Mullet” is making a comeback.

ASvB

9:35 pm March, 2 Nostradouchus said...

The guy is a cross between Yakuza and Down’s Syndrome.

10:36 pm March, 2 ehcuodouche said...

That was the second best thing I ever read in my life, and I can’t remember what the first one was anymore.

11:08 pm March, 2 Medusa Oblongata said...

Yet another reason why those of us in the midwest wish California would just fall into the ocean already.

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The Biscottis are in town for the week. I’m straddling two languages and failing at both. Nobody knows what the hell I’m talking about, and they just nod at me like I’m retarded or something. I have gone from the man of the house to a blathering chimp in the blink of an eye and it’s making me crazy. At least I can come here and feel smart. Oh, wait….

12:38 am March, 3 Douchble Helix said...

March 2, 2012 – D. Wallnuts writes the coda:

.

“What the guys would like though is the clean shaved pussy. Dean was the first guy I ever heard talk about it. He had this cute little pro, blonde, who he said “Shaved her snapper.” When he told us, nobody knew what the fuck he was talking about. I remember Rickles asking if she worked on a fishing boat, saying “Who shaves a fucking fish?” For all us guys had seen, we never saw a hairless beaver.”

1:08 am March, 3 Douchble Helix said...

“Juge not, lest ye be juged.” – St. DB1

4:43 am March, 3 Douchble Helix said...

And may God bless you, Doucheywallnuts, for edumacating the rabble. I wouldn’t have thought it possible.

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But the responses to your recollections seem to indicate they understand how awesome you, Frank, Dino, Sammy and the rest (not so much Lawford) were.

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Keep ’em coming, please!

5:11 am March, 3 CB Popped said...

Marin County,,,ouch.

Macy’s Sofa pear made my day…..that azz is the center of the universe.

My fave Medusa story is still the time Mr. Biscotti saw some uber – douches on the site,,,,screaming in Italian,,,then Medusa knew she was in for some serious anal.

Brilliant.

6:25 am March, 3 Wheezer said...

Medusa said, “The Biscottis are in town for the week.

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Does that include the hott cousin over whom I drooled before? The “spitfire,” as you referred to her? Please tell her, “Ciao bella” or whatever other butchered Italian phrase will make look like the adorably bumbling oaf that I am. That way she’ll want to help me learn more.

6:26 am March, 3 Wheezer said...

“…..will make *me* look like…..”

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Fellow hatters, this is how cute this girl is: making me stumble over my own language, let alone another one.

7:29 am March, 3 Et Tu Douche? said...

All of Douchie Walnuts reminiscing makes me want to don some Sansabelt trousers, pour a stiff bourbon and make cocktail waitress’s 2 at a time.

8:20 am March, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Douchble Helix, I still think the Rat Pack were a bunch a douchebags, doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a well written tale. I read a book about The Hells Angels once, does that mean I am now pro Hells Angels?

8:31 am March, 3 eyedouche said...

Macy’s Sofa Pear – Someone outside is about to get the view of a lifetime.

10:18 am March, 3 Douchble Helix said...

I should have known better.

10:32 am March, 3 tall guy said...

Dreuche, they’re douchebags because the strong authoritarian zeal of their backgrounds made ’em that way.

3:01 pm March, 3 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, you’re preachin’ to the choir compadre from another madre you are preachin’ to the choir.

12:43 am March, 4 Whoop-di-douche said...

That Macy’s Sofa is as shiny as a cheap suit, and the Ass Pear herself could use a good polishing.

12:47 am March, 4 Whoop-di-douche said...

When the public libraries have storytelling events for the kids, DoucheyWallnuts is in the other room doing alternative storytelling for the adults.

10:53 pm March, 4 DarkSock said...

I’d pee in Macy Pear’s butt. and it’s not too big; what the hell, guys?

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DW, I have an erection for you right now. It’s not even gay.

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Much.

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Hornitos.

6:48 pm March, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Wheeze–she is indeed. And she bought about a zillion pairs of high heels and has been parading around the house in them. I’m thinking I ought to put a sign out front and charge admission. The delivery driver the other night damn near blew a load on the front porch when she opened the door the other night.

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