Monday, March 5, 2012

HCwDB of the Month

Your second voting round of 2012. Who will join Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah as our next Monthly winning (losing) coupling?

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Brobot and Curvy Kelly

With a run of brobotic stupidity, including consistent douche-stare and the wrong kind of douche stare, Brobot is a new level of choadal cyborg.

Curvy Kelly is real world tasty, the kind who’d get drunk at a party and consider flirting with you by the retro pinball at the Brooklyn loft Williamsberg port wine party.

Brooklyn. Herpsterland.

But I digress.

Can the Brobotic scroteborg take the prize?

We gots threes more to go.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Uberbros and Pear Alice

For sheer spectacle, is there more purity of douche than the Uberbros?

And yes, we have seen them in the past on HCwDB.

But your narrator is far too hung over to keep track of these things after 7000 posts.

So lets call ’em the Uberbros. And mock onward until dawn.

Pear Alice is also purity of fruit chomp.

Together, theirs is a toxic Miami stench.

Purity of Pear should never face hair that douchey.

And by face, I mean face.

At 2am. In a Burger King bathroom.

Moving on.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott

Head.

Large head.

Douchey head.

Greasey head.

The Monkees’ Head. (RIP Davy).

Lord Helmet is classic doucheface.

Vespa Hott is high class most expensive first date hottness.

And as such, deserves both lust and residual anger.

Which is an intoxicating combo.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Scruffwad and Jenny Milkshake

Here’s your classic guy-who-beat-you-up-in-high-school ‘bag, along with the taut and tasty Jenny Milkshake.

For real world HC/DB, this is a doozer.

So there’s your four.

On the H.C. side we got Pears and Milkshakes, Expensive Hotts and Curves.

On the D.B. side, Brobots and Uberbros, Heads and Scruffs.

Which cohabit is enough to earn the right to call itself the “HCwDB of the Month?”

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
7:31 am March, 5 Doucheywallnuts said...

The Uberbros FTW (Loss!). They are disturbing in a new and unique way, which is tough to do in this day and age. The collection of hair products on the counter and the bleeth’s ass is just icing on the cake.

7:42 am March, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Scruffwad and Jenny Milkshake cause I beat up the guy that beat people up in high school. Fucking bullies. I would like to have Jenny over for a beer and kick Scruffwad in the permanent five day shadow until the sneer was wiped off his putridicious face.

7:54 am March, 5 Ohio FJ said...

Brobot FTW

8:00 am March, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’m gonna go with Brobot and Curvy Kelly. They truly encapsulate the whole HCwDB shebangabang. Brobot and his rage inducing glasses makes me weep and by weep I mean seething hatred for europuds. Curvy Kelly and her long, golden tresses truly inspires that, “Man!! I’d love to longingly humiliate her doggy style or any other way for that matter”, inner monologue.

8:02 am March, 5 jonezy said...

Lord Helmet and his 12 finger forehead FTW.

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Even Romney would have trouble affording the first date with Vespa Hott

8:05 am March, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I would like to kick Brobot in the Eurozone. He’s s strong contender, and by that I mean he smells European. But this is a tough monthly, and Kelly is the least of this months hotts.

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Lord Helmet would look equally at ease defending his mountain stronghold from the Superfriends as he would finishing off a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. His Sophie Vergara looking hott does not belong in the same country, city, state, or dimension. He must have her family tied up somewhere.

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Jenny Milkshake has the wholesome good looks of a very young Terry Garr. The Scruffwad looks about as wholesome as Joe Rogan after a second helping of bovine growth hormone pie.

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Whether it’s just a once in a lifetime combination of angle and lighting, or whether Pear Alice really is that hott, is the greatest mystery of our time. This Guggenheim worthy juxtaposition of drooling munchichis, Audry Hepburn grace, and hair products get my vote. Uberbros and Pear Alice FTW.

8:07 am March, 5 ehcuodouche said...

I have to vote for Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott because she is a Victoria’s Secret model and he is a Wayne Rooney Troll Doll (TM).

8:10 am March, 5 chiapet85 said...

Uberbros

8:43 am March, 5 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Brutal competition, brutal I say. But I gotta go with the Uberbros and Pear Alice for the ridiculousness of the bathroom mirror pose and all the hair products.

8:44 am March, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’ve always been about teamwork especially if I’m in charge. Work together, set egos aside and mock the shit out of the weakest link make up the the three legs of my leadership stool if you will. All three legs must be equally strong or else much like Ricky Martin after a Menudo reunion your stool will be loose and wobbly.

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That being said my vote goes to the Uberbros for the lack of teamwork and trust displayed in their pic. That shot could have been easily captured with one camera and then forwarded to the other bro allowing said bro to have the use of two functioning hands. In turn he probably would have used that freedom to apply more hair gel instead of grabbing the hott by her hample haunches and giving it to her canine style, but alas that is the way of the modern douche. All style and no sexstance.

9:40 am March, 5 tall guy said...

Scruffwad sucks but he’s no monthly. Helmut’s redness resembles the tail lights of a prime mover but that’s the English or (worse still) the Scot or Irish showing, which makes choosing him a bit like tactical voting in the Eurovision song contest so no thank you, dude. From memory I was first (meaning 2nd after DB1) to call beauty on Alice’s arse, but i’d need more evidence other than what may well be an arsey photo. Uberbros are incredibly douche and also very young, which doesn’t excuse them but doesn’t (yet) make them unflushable turds. Brobot however is seven shades of fail. I’m aware that I play right into his nefarious little game by drawing the slightest bit of attention to him, but the signifiers are too strong to overlook. The glasses you say? I say look at those fucking horrible jeans! I mean, who the fuck wears denim anyway? Fucking horrible Eurotrash, try hard, moob wearing dicks like this idiot that’s who. And what Curvy Kelly lacks in grace (which totals 100%) she more than makes up for in 100% hair pulling doggy style poundability.

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Brobot FTW!

9:46 am March, 5 I R A Darth Aggie said...

This is usually were I vote based on the hott.

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Fortunately, the hottest hott is paired with the douchiest of bags, and by bags I “bags of poo”.

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Pear Alice FTW. Uberbros FTL.

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Sorry about that, Jenny, Vespa, and Kelly. While I wouldn’t kick any of you out of my bed, your hott isn’t up to pear. And your douchebags of choice? not nearly douchie enough.

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So have I spoken. So shall it be done.

10:01 am March, 5 Vin Douchal said...

Brobot and Kelly for the win. They are in some cheap, non-permitted room addition in Norwalk for a backyard wedding where the bride is showing 7 months. Brobot and the other ushers/groom are all wearing this get up. The groom is designated by a loosely tied water squirting bowtie with which he will dowse the bride in an attempt to get on Tosh.0.

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Kelly posted this photo to her facebook with the caption, “LOL! Me and Keith !! <3 Mwah!! LOL!!

10:30 am March, 5 melvil_duchi said...

The Uberbros and Pear Alice

10:32 am March, 5 FoghornLeghorn said...

Sometimes when I am alone, I imagine the bust expanding, optical illusionary pattern of Vespa Hott’s bodice stretched across Pear Alice’s derriere. It’s during those times, I feel there is a bright, shiny future for humanity. However, I then see the Uberbros and realize we’re doomed. Uberbros and Pear Alice, for the win.

10:40 am March, 5 Douche of Hazard said...

Lord Helmet and Vespa.

10:42 am March, 5 Colossus of Choads said...

Gotta go for the Uberbros.

They shame us all as a species.

10:51 am March, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

I had Bengay Cold Therapy* induced holy vision over the weekend. My spirit adviser, a 10,000 year old dire wolf named Myron, told me that if everyone at HCwDB sent Dude McCrudeshoes $500, then Pear Alice and Vespa Hott would go at sapphic-style while the Uberbro’s videotaped the event using multiple camera-phones.

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*Technically, Bengay Cold Therapy is not to be taken internally, or applied to the scrotum while drinking iced vodka inside an Indian sweat lodge, so use your best judgement.

10:53 am March, 5 tall guy said...

Not a second vote nor an amendment but despite the obvious youth of uberbros, uberbro on right sporting the fauxhawk is quite deserving of further mock. I find his of-colour, lascivious gawk at Pear Alice offensive.

11:06 am March, 5 The Dude said...

Brobot FTW, with a nod (fishslap) to Scruffwad.

11:29 am March, 5 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Did anyone check out Jonesy’s Telemundo dancing Mexican pear link on the last thread? Wow, just wow! We don’t have these Spanish beauties up here. All we see are migrant workers pruning grape vines and shit in the southern areas of Ontario.

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Spanish chicks make me think of two things: Jesus-sized cocck intervention and a mute button for those annoying accents, see: Penelope Cruz. No hatter!

11:30 am March, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

The Uberbros and Pear Alice FTW! Why? There’s quality AND quantity here. We have two, count ’em TWO douches that are equally vomitrotious in their own right next to what appears to be some sort of angel mistakenly placed between them. Now, I used to work in a grocery store many moons ago and I knows what a fine, ripe pear looks like and what we have here is sure as hell one. They, on the other hand, were what I scraped off the meat room floor every night after the butcher had been dancing in entrails and blood all day. Dichotomy they name is The Uberbros and Pear Alice.

11:36 am March, 5 Jeet Kune Douche said...

Individual analyses forthwith:

Scruffwad and Jenny – Scruff is something one finds on the sole of one’s shoe after a day strolling thru downtown Topeka. Annoying and distasteful, but utterly irrelevant. Douchecon 5 at best/worst.

Helmet and Vespa – Helmet seems almost embarassed to be accoutred in light douchey garmentage. To me, he’s harmless. Vespa…..ungh! Use me as your footstool and doormat, goddess, I beg thee!

Brobot and Kelly – that HAS to be eurodouche – only they can look so much like retarded androgynous space aliens. Douchecon 2, flamethrower at the ready……..

Uberbros and Alice – WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Alice has Teh Silky Smoove Vanilla Flavored Whipped Cream Pear Of Legend. I ABASE MYSELF TO YOU, ALICE. And the Uberbros………..need to be dipped in a vat of honey and tied down over a Fire Ant mound.

11:48 am March, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Most Righteous Honorable Rev Chad, re; Jonesy link on last thread.

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Latinas are were it’s. Son!!!! thank goodness for Telemundo.

11:49 am March, 5 Et Tu Douche? said...

^ Latinas are were it’s at, is what I meant to say.

11:51 am March, 5 tall guy said...

Jesus! As visual exposure to the wog ugly awfulness of Brobot must by necessity be limited I didn’t at first notice his scarf. What an ethic! Fuck off back to where you came from!

11:52 am March, 5 CB Popped said...

Uberbros, FTW.

11:55 am March, 5 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

The hair care products alone make this a walk-over for the Uberbros and Pear Alice.

….Re Et Tu Douche: Telemundo and Univision have double-handedly taught me the joys of watching TV with the sound off…

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….and by “double-handedly taught me the joys” I mean educating me in ambidextrously rubbing one out while watching their weather girls.

11:57 am March, 5 The Dude said...

The car sale girls get me the hardest.

12:02 pm March, 5 troy tempest said...

Scruffwad, because of his sneer. It’s like a duckface, only full of shit.

12:17 pm March, 5 Geoffrey said...

As the tagger of that Uberbros picture, I have to vote for them.

12:21 pm March, 5 Colossus of Choads said...

That’s very transparent of you Geoffrey. Good show.

12:25 pm March, 5 Nancy Dreuche said...

I like to read youse guyses comments with the sound turned off. I imagine some of you are pretty nasaly sounding what with the mouth breathing and all that.

12:27 pm March, 5 Wheezer said...

I’m going to try this again – my first attempt isn’t showing…..

.

.

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I’m going with The Uberbros and Pear Alice for the monthly. They are the Ratshit Pack/Rats’ Nest Pack and Alice has the holy/most blesséd Pear I’ve seen in a dress in some time. Blesséd, I says.

.

I guess DoucheyWallnuts’ history lessons are taking hold.

12:39 pm March, 5 Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche said...

Brobot and the Uberbros should be finalists in the yearly. Pitting them against each other this early in the year is both unfair and a testament to the depth of “talent” in the douchebag pool this year. God help us all.

This one’s tough, but I have to go with the Uberbros. I can at least have a laugh at Brobot. The Bros, meanwhile, will probably be trying to deflower my daughter in 17 years, and I cannot allow that. Uberbros for the societal loss.

12:56 pm March, 5 JustDan said...

Going for the UberBros for adding creep factor to their douchitude.

It’s too easy to believe they are imagining rubbing swords inside the pear.

1:23 pm March, 5 DarkSock said...

Brobot, because resistance is futile. And by “resistance” I mean “penicillin”.

2:03 pm March, 5 Stephanie said...

Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott. Because of that disturbing head,it’s like an Outer Limits episode. And she’s the hottest chicks in the group.

2:25 pm March, 5 soy bomb said...

It has to be Brobot. While the other douches offend all five senses, Brobot manages to offend the sixth sense as well.

2:33 pm March, 5 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

Gyroscopes must be on backorder. No new douchebags to mock yet today.

2:52 pm March, 5 The Dude said...

Fuck, ‘Sock – don’t you have anything positive to say? And by that I mean it gets really embarrassing when I start giggling and drooling at my workstation. I have semi-professional standards to maintain here!

2:52 pm March, 5 army (ret) douche said...

a tough monthly indeed… BroBot reeks of eurobag. He doesn’t get my vote because i feel the atlantic is a good buffer. The shine off of lord helmet’s dome could be collected by solar panels & replace the fukashima reactor. That leaves uberbros and scruffwad… Sruffwad has a sneer that needs work, and by work i mean 110 km/h with a windshield. Uberbros has double the doucheosity. Fuck it! kelly is the hottest.

2:54 pm March, 5 Douche Springsteen said...

These are all noteworthy contendors. Brobot is a warning sent from a dystopian future to make the douches of today change their ways. Lord Helmet is all kinds of mongoloid douche set off against a sultry Mayan eye of coitus giving hott and the Scruffwad is a reminder that I’m probably not getting enough fiber in my diet.

However, I think even in this contest, the Uberbros & Pear Alice are the clear winners. In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I am a dyed-in-the-wool Ass Man, so Pear Alice’s assets (sorry) may be unfairly influencing me. But I’d just like to point out that these guys are a couple of raging dickheads that are trying to mesh their wild & crazy party lifestyle (see the stupid hair) with an element of class (shirts with collars, vests). It’s one of the other, boys. And leave the lovely young creature with an ass that makes me cry salty fuccen tears out of it.

2:55 pm March, 5 Douche Springsteen said...

correction: It’s one or the other, boys.^

Someone’s got a case of the Mondays.

4:39 pm March, 5 Vin Douchal said...

@ the kidnappers:

.

Please give us your demands for the safe return of Db1

5:35 pm March, 5 Morbo said...

Going with the Brobot and Kelly.

Kelly is far from the hottest hott in the competition, but Brobot’s ensemble is a desperate cry for attention. If we don’t give it to him, he might hop in a street corner suicide booth. I don’t want that on my conscience, man.

6:27 pm March, 5 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Pear Alice and whoever is with Pear Alice. Cause I loves me some Pear Alice.

6:37 pm March, 5 Wedgie said...

DB1 is missing, and the Donk was seen recently in Newport Beach. Maybe a coincidence.

I vote for Vespa girl, because I always had wood for Elizabeth Hurley. And that guy’s dome looks like Alien.

6:44 pm March, 5 Medusa Oblongata said...

Uberbors. Because I want to uberpunch them in their ubertaints and then dive face-first into her uberass.

6:55 pm March, 5 macfleckchoad said...

Brobot FTW. Eurobags are horrible, and this creep pushes the envelope.

Poor Alice.

8:18 pm March, 5 Blah said...

For the high degree of contrast between beauty and the D-Beasts, it has to be the Uberbros and Alice.

9:00 pm March, 5 Chris in 'Baghdad said...

I think the brobot is pretending or going to a Halloween party. So I gots to goes with the Uberbros! Right down to the stooped looks on their faces. It never occurred to them that they could take snaps of each other so they do the ultradouchey photo in the mirror trick. And even though the Alice pear has room to spare, I’d do it. 🙂

10:29 pm March, 5 The Dude said...

Brobot deserves this win (loss) because he demonstrates his commitment in multiple pics. He has the infrastructure to win this political primary, and his Super PAC is super-pack’d. Brobot is this month’s Romney.

11:47 pm March, 5 tall guy said...

Fucking Lord Helmut looks like he’s about to strain a vein or just did strain a vein.

12:06 am March, 6 tall guy said...

Dreuche, do I own you an apology? (Semi-rhetorical question).

.

Well I do. I’m sorry. I am at times an immature brat for reasons that I cannot fathom aside from the obvious.

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ps The German: didn’t nail her and listening/talking to her last night I was struck by how cold my attraction has become and also by another somewhat less than deluded thought (and I am capable of doozies), namely, I think she might have jettisoned Hans in favour of Helga. Fairly sure she’s not found her/one yet, but all the signifiers are there. Plus she was rabbiting on about getting in touch w/- her feeling last night so I seriously doubt her credentials. Well, at least I was nice to a German.

.

So sorry fellow ‘Bagsters. I vow to share no more on this tiresome subj.

12:55 am March, 6 JK said...

Tough choice this time!

But I vote

Brobot

1:08 am March, 6 Nostradouchus said...

This feels like the GOP primary.

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The Uberbros are Newt Gingrich – the “establishment” candidate trying to run as the “outsider”. Even with the Stepford wife, they don’t play well outside of their strengths (GA and NJ, respectively).

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Lord Helmet is Rick Santorum – the late arrival in the polls. He’s got flare but, outside of the Midwest, it hasn’t translated into frontrunner status. He’s too awkward in the spotlight.

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Brobot is Ron Paul – I don’t think any explanation is needed.

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Scruffwad is good ol’ Mitt Romney – The polished candidate. The ‘roid jaw, accompanying hairline, and five o’clock shadow tells you he’s been running for the top job for years. He’s even got the Wall Street-esque pinstripes.

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And with the HCwDB base, there’s a lack of enthusiasm for the candidates.

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I’m going with Scruffwad FTW. He’s the recognized, stable candidate. The safe choice.

.

And now I’m going to go scruff my wad….

2:48 am March, 6 tall guy said...

Brilliant analysis, Nostradouchus. Scruffwad is polished! A sneer in a pinstripe jacket.

6:03 am March, 6 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I’m going with the uberbros for the fact that are so blantantly and recklessly douchey they live up to the douche concept in just about every way. I do want to give a nod to our evolutionary challenged friend lord helmet I can’t say that I have ever seen a head quite like that on someone who has all 23 pairs of chromosomes completely intact or didn’t suffer from hydrocephaly as an infant, you my friend are a God amonst sharts, bravo sir, bravo!!

7:25 am March, 6 Ol' Dirty Douchebag said...

Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott. She has complete contempt for me despite not knowing I exist. She gnaws at my last bit of self-esteem and spits it at my feet. And boobies.

8:34 am March, 6 SonnyChibaChoad said...

The Uberbros and Pear Alice FTW..

her dumper just can’t quit. dayaum.

9:29 am March, 6 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

Uberbros. Classic schmuck with classic pear.

10:05 am March, 6 Nancy Dreuche said...

@tall guy, don’t apologize to me, apologize to ham. Since day one you have been the lead ham slanderer here. Which brings me to my next point. I’ve been thinking about starting an advice column and going by the name Ham Slanders, your thoughts? The German was a two-bit tranny with wrinkly shoulders. You can do better old chum.

10:48 am March, 6 DixieRecht said...

Hard to believe Uberbros go out in public without getting their asses kicked for being so douchey.

It’s close, but Brobot is soooo absurd I expect he’d rather be with a boy than this hott. And a very young boy at that

Brobot FTW

11:09 am March, 6 Sir Huddleston Fuddleston said...

@Medusa: All three legs must be equally strong or else much like Ricky Martin after a Menudo reunion your stool will be loose and wobbly.

Greatest comment ever to be posted on HCwDB.

12:16 pm March, 6 Sergeant Poop said...

Uberbros, because, well, do I even need an explanation?

8:26 pm March, 6 creature said...

scruffwad is a hairy turd…all I got at the moment

7:17 am March, 7 Taint Nothin' But G-Thang said...

Scruffwad is still living with his x-girlfriend because she’s paying for his cell phone and he doesn’t want to get cut off until he has new sniz on the hook to reel in. Jenny makes my nether regions believe there really is a God and that He loves me.

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