Sunday, March 4, 2012

Los Douchebagos

In any language, ‘baggery in pursuit of hot chick is universal.

My Kingdom and a tasty Moon Pie to anyone who makes it past 90 seconds.

# posted by douchebag1
8:16 am March, 4 Spunky said...

I read the title and burst out laughing.

8:18 am March, 4 I R A Darth Aggie said...

I kept hoping you’d mis-spelled the title and meant Lost Douchebagos

8:20 am March, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

The only saving grace of the first and only 45 seconds I watched was Latina Hott’s smoking hot pera.

8:32 am March, 4 Wedgie said...

El Eye Chart t-shirt. Mas Bueno!

Como se dice “matching bra & panties” en Espanol?

8:32 am March, 4 Ted Brogan said...

Fact: With the sound turned off, the HC trumps the DB. My stomach is growling for that Moon Pie, boss.

8:46 am March, 4 ehcuodouche said...

He’s not a total waste. I could check my vision as I looked at him, right before I poured bleach in my eyes.

8:52 am March, 4 lil' douche coupe said...

Why is he calling for Hamas in the beginning of the video? Is he advocating for Palestinian independence and the withdrawal of Israeli settlements on West Bank? I couldn’t watch more than the required 90 seconds so someone please translate.

9:00 am March, 4 Nancy Dreuche said...

Why is she wearing a G-string under her underwear? !Aye Chipotle! Estoy muy confusada a la ropa de las hott latinas. And I think he’s saying Ham más! which translates to More ham! which translates to delicious in any language.

9:03 am March, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

She makes it watchable if viewed with the mute engaged.

9:07 am March, 4 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I weep for our Latino brothers and sisters as their culture has become lost as a result of socio-economic terrorism brought down on them by their own leaders. Which brings me back to the days when Havana was at its peak.

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For all of you kids who think Vegas and Miami are crazy scenes, you should have seen Havana, Cuba before the Commies took over and ruined it. The Nacional Hotel, the Montmarte club, Habana Riviera, Deauville and a bunch of other joints really put Vegas to shame. Havana had it all; beautiful dames, casinos, great music, terrif food and fantastic beaches.

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Meyer Lansky ran the whole shebang and pulled the strings using the mob boys for muscle and administration, and for doing the general dirty work. I did a stint in Havana as the Liason to the Cuban Office of Tourism and Casino Operations in the late 1950s. And by Liason to the Cuban Office of Tourism and Casino Operations I mean I was supervising the skim at the Tropicana Club, the Capri and Nacional Hotel whilst banging Carmen Miranda and as many show girls as possible. Those Cuban girls, Che Bella! They loved to screw. The sex was like a dance routine to those people.

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Fred Astaire was a huge Havana fan. He said that the best dancing he ever did was during his four-day fuckfests with his Cuban girlfriends. Astaire was an odd bird. So classy and polished on screen, but when he was off, he was a regular Joe who had a very odd manner of speaking. He always put the word “the” in where it didn’t really belong. So he would order and say, “I’d like the cup of coffee and the ham sandwich,” or “Give me the gin and tonic with the Tanqueray gin,” or “That broad gave me the head last night in my dressing room.” He also was always taking his joint out of his pants and showing it to people. We were at the craps table at the Capri one night and he yells over to me, “Hey Paul!” I look over and he’s got two hands wrapped around this big erection and he says, “Look how purple it gets when I squeeze it!” It was long and thin, like an overly-long pepperoni. Ya mean?

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Anyways, Lansky had been making millions every year – so much money – that he was able to funnel dough to the mob and to Batista and his cronies, with more than enough left over to build a thriving economy for the Cuban people. It was the closest thing to paradise that anyone had ever seen. Vegas was a shit shack by comparison. Who the fuck wanted to be stuck out in the middle of the desert, broiling during the day and freezing at night? I also got involved with trying to keep the Commie goons in line, as they weren’t big fans of Batista. They blew off a bomb in the Trop one night and messed things up pretty badly. We tracked down some of these Cuban Neander-fuck titsunes and worked them over good. Titsunes, I says.

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One of these guys was Castro himself. Big hypocrite. He started out as a cabana boy at the Capri and worked his way up to becoming George Raft’s piss boy. Dont you believe any of that propaganda bullshit that Castro was out living in the jungle with a bunch of Commie hippy revolutionaries; he had a great pad in town and was making good bucks, living well. He was just a greedy SOB on a power trip. When we had Castro under our thumb the night of the bombing, some of the mob’s top muscle just so happened to be in town. A guy named Fat Butch and the Fischetti brothers – Trigger Happy Charlie and Rocco – along with Santo Trafficante himself, sent a message to these Commies in the form of some brutal beatings and mutilations. They cut one of Castro’s balls clean out of his scrote using a can opener. He was crying like a little bitch, as they dropped him off at some jungle hovel. The boys went back and ransacked his Havana apartment where they found all of Castro’s sex toys and naked pictures of young chinamen. Figures that he’s a closet finocchio. Finocchio, I says.

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It ended bad for Lansky and the mob as the Cuban Revolution took the island back to the stone ages. Rather than real paradise, too many Cubans bought into the fantasy of a worker’s paradise, and instead of celebrities and glamour, running water, medical care, food, a great standard of living and freedom for all they opted for despair, cock fighting and crushing poverty. The real crook is that Castro. He pocketed all of the money from the legit folks and didn’t share it with anyone. Say what you will about the mob, but they spread the wealth and knew that good things happened when people had money inter pockets and were free to spend it anywhere and anyway they want.

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The last few years in Havana were the best, as every prime piece of pussy wanted to be a part of the action. One of the reasons Kennedy wanted to whack Castro was that he and his deviant brothers had run wild down there for years. Forget about the money the Kennedies lost, they were pissed that their pussy stampede was taken away from them. J. Edgar Hoover had a file 3-feet thick on the Kennedy boys just from their Cuban exploits, pictures of them banging in bathtubs, on casino tables, in saunas, on the beach, in confessional booths, at the race track. You name the place and a Kennedy fucked a Cuban broad there.

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However, after watching this video, nobody I knew would ever want to to go a Latin country. Even America.

9:30 am March, 4 tall guy said...

Dreuche, a greaseball speaking any language still be oily.

9:41 am March, 4 tall guy said...

Hang on. Better make that still be the oily one.

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ham daiquiris.

10:19 am March, 4 Mr. White said...

1:41. It’s easy when you don’t know what he’s saying. And you stare at the Pear. And are a bright yellow Hyundai enthusiast.

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crappy car owners

10:28 am March, 4 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

The sweet Mexican ass in that video is worth the torture of watching the rest. Volume off. Total cost of making that video: $0. As long as your amigo lets you borrow his Hyundai.

10:31 am March, 4 Et Tu Douche? said...

God Damn!!!! DW, I can read your prose all day long son.

10:31 am March, 4 beltman713 said...

This guy wears an eye chart shirt so he can evaluate his chances of getting a woman. A failed eye test means he looks good.

10:35 am March, 4 tall guy said...

Yeah what’s the big deal w/- the car in that vid. Sweet ride? Hardly.

10:58 am March, 4 The Dude said...

Joder, que pendejo canta como una cabra!

11:22 am March, 4 Wheezer said...

Finocchio, I says.

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So when Castro lied about his homoerotic tendencies, his dick grew instead of his nose. Capiscé…..

11:33 am March, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

That chick is the sabre-toothed grizzly shark of hot chicks. I’d watch this, on mute of course, over again just for the thong shot.

11:33 am March, 4 Wheezer said...

‘Tis only worth watching for the Pear. With the sound mercifully off, too.

11:35 am March, 4 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

46 sec. mark FTW.

11:46 am March, 4 Steve said...

Someone needs to do mankind a great service. Take ALL (or at least enough for a 10 minute video) of these home-made music videos people post on youtube that have douchebags talking about all the ass their getting. Edit them out and leave only hot chicks in them. Then compile all the footage together.

Oh and the chick in this video looks like she’s 15. Muy es bueno.

12:22 pm March, 4 douches Wild said...

Puto pestoso de puro pedo!

12:25 pm March, 4 Anonymous said...

Only in Meh-he-co is a Hyundai coupe a balla ride.

12:56 pm March, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

All I can hear this guy saying is “hamas” over and fucking over. Christ. Wedgie get your local seal team on these dudes. I think they’re fey A-rabs. They all look the fucking same anyway, but the A-rabs don’t cut infidels grass yo.

1:11 pm March, 4 C.G. said...

i think he needs an EpiPen …his body looks like he got some bad shellfish.

damn, nothing says cool like a shaved-latin 40yo sticking his torso out of a Tiburon and singing.

1:12 pm March, 4 Wedgie said...

I thought he said “No jamas” which means “not ever” or “never”.

J = H in Spanish.

Just as “hoser” = “doctor” in Canadian.

1:13 pm March, 4 Wedgie said...

PS:

Why are we discussing the lyrical content of a Mexibag when we could be singing the praises of La Senorita Pear?

1:15 pm March, 4 Wedgie said...

G-string under panties is the Mexican version of double-bagging. So you won’t notice her enormous clit. Here in SoCal, the girls just use duct tape. Works great, plus removes hair as a nice side-effect when the tape is pulled off.

1:44 pm March, 4 Southern Scrotic said...

Is that the Mexican version of “Friday”?

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Something may have been lost in translation.

1:48 pm March, 4 The Dude said...

Duct tape also makes for a good laugh when used after peeing in her monkey hole.

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Pearitas

3:32 pm March, 4 Douchble Helix said...

I suggest that in most of the Mexican-speaking world, this guy is considered quite a ‘catch’.

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I watched the whole thing, with his caterwauling left on. She is that sweet.

3:33 pm March, 4 Douchble Helix said...

Oh, and thanks for another great history lesson, DWallnuts.

5:18 pm March, 4 Brian said...

I lived in Miami for a while in a flophouse I shared with five other grad students. The house was owned by an elderly Cuban woman who had fled her homeland after the communists took over. She would tell us chilling stories of Castro’s brutality.

We would get her drunk on cheap wine and barbiturates and persuade her to remove her dentures and give us all sensual, passionate oral sex. Her toothless gums sliding tenderly up and down our eager weiners felt sensational. She had a large mole under her chin with several wiry, gray hairs protruding from it. These hairs would tickle our balls, adding to the pleasure of an already wonderful experience.

5:25 pm March, 4 The Dude said...

She must’ve thought she had died and swum to heaven!

6:03 pm March, 4 Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche said...

I made it all the way through, but only because a) the song was short, and b) I watched without sound.

Hot bod on the babe, but she looks scared, like she just ran away from home, which instantly makes this creepy.

6:14 pm March, 4 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I watched it stoned. I almost fell asleep and I am an insomniac. She gives me the nut jinglees.

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Dude needs props for brand loyalty and paedophilic tendencies. I says.

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Son.

6:48 pm March, 4 Random lady commenter said...

Is the song about the sad life of an underage prostitute? Otherwise, the video makes no sense.

7:53 pm March, 4 RD said...

DoucheyWallnuts,

Please write a book, please please please…

RD

8:17 pm March, 4 Douchble Helix said...

@rlc ftw!!

8:18 pm March, 4 army (ret) douche said...

driving with your hazards on: the epitome of cool.

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Road rage

8:46 pm March, 4 Sam Kelly said...

Where’s my Moon Pie? You promised a Moon Pie……(…moon pie….)

9:31 pm March, 4 Nostradouchus said...

Got all the way through. No need for the moon pie…got enough of that in the video. Smokin.

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No kingdom required either. The dudes facial expressions and hand gestures were priceless. I remember when I had my first beer……

9:47 pm March, 4 john smallberries said...

Why does she keep looking down and away when he sings? Are they playing “who’s got the neuron” and she’s sad it’s not her turn?

12:12 am March, 5 DoucheWeasel said...

I want a jellow car like that guy….

1:07 am March, 5 The Dude said...

Jew wanting jore car jellow? I can for to paint jore car mang!

7:57 am March, 5 Tequilla Sundouche said...

44 seconds… and…. stop. Can’t do it.

9:33 am March, 5 jonezy said...

btw, anyone ever watch DesControl on Telemundo on Saturday mornings? It is my favorite show on tv- pure pear tv. I implore you to check it out sometime.

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And there’s also plenty of douchebag to supplement the Hott

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http://youtu.be/5otbFwU9DTk?t=1m31s

10:56 am March, 5 Steve said...

My cable has 4 Spanish channels and Descontrol isn’t one of them. Watching that video (on mute of course) makes me say “Me gusta”.

11:18 am March, 5 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I can’t believe all you hatters out there missed the obvious symbolism in this video. Let me ‘splain it to you.

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Clearly he is broken up over the thought of his Me-hee-can sister prostitute leaving him to start trafficking hams for the Cerdos mafia of Tijuana. He goes “searching” (hence the seeing eye chart shirt) for her in his banana (do I really need to spell this one out? Hmmmmmmmm?) yellow car with his head sticking out of the “sun” (they have a secret love child, duh) roof of the car. He realizes that he can’t do it alone so he hazards (look at the inside of the car) a call out for “Hamas” (damn terrorists!) to come and help him. Hamas tries to convince the Cerdo mafia invest in lipstick futures (I can’t believe no one got the “put lipstick on a pig” visual here) but the Cerdos don’t get it either and threaten a gang war with Hamas over their cheesy joke. Juan (what the fucck else was I gonna call him?) then realizes he’s in deep shit with “Nooooon Kamas”, the leader of Hamas, after he successfully kidnaps his sister prostitute back from the Cerdo mafia without telling Hamas first. Now Juan and his sister prostitute are constantly on the “lookout” (there’s that damn shirt again) because they are on the run. It’s all quite touching if you look at it the right way.

4:40 pm March, 5 Sergeant Poop said...

This guy is way too impressed with his Hyundai.

4:42 pm March, 5 Sergeant Poop said...

Also, this guy needs to quit singing about hummus.

5:25 pm March, 5 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

@Nancy Dreuche^

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My thoughts exactly on the panties over the g-string. What’s she got underneath that? A bejazzled vagina plug?

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Here in the land of milk and Mormon honeys, the fairer sex are forced to voluntarily conform to a higher sense of modesty in terms of dress. That doesn’t mean the young ladies don’t want to dress all slutty and Kardashianesque. Its actually the opposite. They still attempt to wear stylish, revealing clothing, only it ends up looking something like this:

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Layer One: If you’re married or went through the temple, you’ve got your Mormon holy underwear. In this case, a short sleeved low cut t-shirt top. This underwear is supposed to protect its wearer from attacks by Satan and his minions. In truth it just protects the wearer from flirtatious advances from members of the opposite sex who are not Mormon. Which suits both parties just fine.

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Layer Two: A foam-filled bust enhancing bra. Going from a B to what looks like a C++ is actually required as written by the church’s founder, Joseph Smith, who liked his teenage brides but didn’t like looking at the pre-pubescent Laura Ingals chests all around him. I believe he wrote, “And lo, verily, and it shall come to pass that the daughters of Eve shall have bags of liquid placed beneath the flesh of their bosom. And it shall be good, oh so very good. And the sons of Adam shall place their hands upon their shafts and pump up and down furiously, and the land shall be like unto a sea of Elmers Glue. But until that time shall cum to pass, the daughters of Eve shall pad their bras. And the sons of Adam, when going to Second Pyramid in the back of the chariot, will exclaim, “What the F*ck!” And all the land shall weep.”

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Layer Three: A cute, modestly cut t-shirt, usually in a bright color though rarely with any pattern.

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Layer Four: A sultry, would-be-revealing string tank, low cut to reveal, well, more modestly cut t-shirt that would be revealed if the tank wasn’t so immodest.

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Layer Five: An open weave knit sweater/vest type thing. Optional.

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You end up with a lovely young lady dressed to kill, if by dressed to kill you mean humiliate herself in an outfit only a Somali muslim pirate could lust after, complete with free-floating-rib-deep sweat rings and odd “bunching lines” half-way across each boob. Seriously, what’s not boner inducing about that?

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Besides everything.

6:44 pm March, 6 Douchebusters said...

You know who this guy is? He is the mexican version of Ronny from Jersey Shore!

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