Thursday, March 15, 2012

M. Night Shamaload

Chin Pubes and necktatts are no way to hit on the burgeoning and pre-largeman Daniella Sisters, M. Night.

Just for that, I’mma take away your (fill in the blank in the comments threads).

I see your crazed Mayan Eye of Coitus Daniella #1. You hang on the precipice of de-eroticized transition, but refuse with hearty steadfastedness to go gentle into that good night.

# posted by douchebag1
10:29 am March, 15 Jacques Doucheteau said...

“Huntington Fuh”?

10:37 am March, 15 Douche of Hazard said...

Brunette is creeped out by reptiles.

11:27 am March, 15 Doucheywallnuts said...

These party kid’s today think they know a wild time, well let me tell them something. They don’t know nuttin’! They should have seen the scene in the 60s, especially with all of the sitcom chicks we had running around back then. Let me tell you, the Hollywood chicks had nothing on the new breed of TV skirts that were new to the scene. Madon!

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Joey Bishop, Normy Fell (he of the interesting genitalia) Buddy Lester and a couple of Frank’s goons used to spot a chick at the Paramount commissary, check with one of the security guards to get their name, address and phone number, and then work up some kind of ruse to get them out on a date. A lot of dames didn’t know who some of these guys were – it wasn’t like Frank and the heavy-hitters pulled this scam to meet chicks – but once they found out the connection to the gang, they were in like Flint. One of the goons, Tommy “Scars” Scaglione would focus on the low-level skirts who appeared as extras in all of the shows of the day; the types who would play the sassy teenager type in “The Munsters,” “I Dream of Jeanie,” “Get Smart.” He had a great scam. He would ask the girl if she liked Sammy, Dean, Booby Darin – whoever – and then take them backstage to watch the show. It got him laid everytime. Go figure, a union-connected stagehand meathead got as much top-shelf gash as some of the biggest studs in Hollywood.

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Skinny D’Amato, the guy who punched Wingy Grober in the ass at the Cal Neva, would set his sites higher and had better connections, but didn’t fare so well. He wasn’t the best looking guy and he suffered from Dwarf Cock – Dwarf Cock, I says – which was an impediment to his efforts. With each failure with the ladies, Skinny would get more depressed and angry, which explains why he went around punching guys in the ass.

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Sinatra would see a broad and have his people call her people and make a set-up. Back in the 60s a huge thing was when the broad on “I Dream of Jeanie” showed her belly button on the show because the genie costume was low cut. Imagine that! Today you see cioccies and culatas on the television all the time. Mamma Mia! So Jilly Rizzo calls this Barbara Eden’s agent to arrange for a date. Frank was obsessed with this broad and the stupid show. He’d walk around with a hard-on for days after the show aired, which he watched alone, by the way. When Jilly got the agent on the blower he told him the deal, and the agent said that this Eden skirt was married and he wouldn’t set it up. After Jilly brought Skinny over to the agent’s office, and Skinny administered his now-famous ass punch, the agent decided that the genie broad “would love to meet Mr. Sinatra.” 

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Jeanie the Genie was married to this big half a finoc, mama luke – that’s a mouthful, I says – named Ansara, and she was terrified he would find out about their date. Frank told her not to worry, and that he had a good friend named Skinny that punched guys in the ass when they caused trouble. Genie said something about how her husband was a tough guy and liked to slap her around. Frank told her he had another friend named Jilly would would break a guy’s kneecaps, a friend named Crackers who liked to choke guys with their own testicles, and a couple of other friends who had no qualms killing people and then going out for drinks and a show.

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So after boning Genie for a couple of months Frank was a mess. He would have just enough strength to lift his head, look towards me and say, “Ava Gardner, who?” He was exhausted from so much boffing that he had a tough time rehearsing for one of his big shows at the Sands with Basie and the boys. As a matter of fact, the night the famous album at the Sands was recorded I had to drag Frank out of his suite to get him to the show on time because he was in the midst of a 72-hour Genie Snatch Expedition. He had jizz stains all over his tux and we had to bust our coglionis to get him a clean one in time for the start of the show. I poured two pots of coffee down his gullet and had to strap his erection down with a spare cummerbund and a pair of Count Basie’s suspenders. When I started writing this, I had no idea I’d be able to work “cummerbund” into it, I says. 

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So he gets through the show and gets right back to nailing Genie like a hyperactive carpenter working in a birdhouse-making factory. I don’t think I know what that means. He’s banging and banging and banging like Gene Krupa on speed. Ya mean? And I says to Frank, “Frank, I says, you gotta slow this shit down. You’ve aged 10 years in 3 months. Lay off the genie snapper!” Just like anything that burns bright, the Frank/Genie thing burned out after a few months and a couple of hundred bang sessions. Whatta a ride.

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Anyways, this TV starlet thing worked out pretty good for me, too. I nailed more than my fair share of these sitcom skirts; the broad from F-Troop, Melody Paterson, believe you me when I tell you she put the “F” in F-Troop; Ellie May and Miss Hathaway; several of the dames from “Petticoat Junction,” my first three girls, one guy situation; that Ginger broad Tina Something-or-Other and she was a lousy lay. 

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The best of the lot was the other chick from that Island show, Mary Ann with the shorty shorts. I was the co-assistant to the co-supervisor for the show’s script for Sherwood Schwartz, the producer of the show. And by co-assistant to the co-supervisor for the show’s script I mean I was making sure the local Teamsters were getting their share of the commissary and waste removal kickbacks, and the carpenter’s union was being paid for the 16 no-show jobs on the production lot, while tea-bagging Yvonne Craig who played Bat Girl on the Bat Man TV show. Bat Girl, I says. I made her keep the costume on whilst she played with my Bat Wing. Che bella fica!

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So this Mary Ann broad and I had a chance meeting during a visit I was paying to the set of her show. One of the Key Grips, Jocko something, had lost 10 large at a local dice game and I went to pay him a visit with Sonny “The Fist” Fra Diavolo to remind him that the next visit would be from Skinny D’Amato. As one of the stage hands was mopping up the puddle of piss left by Jocko, Mary Ann trips on the mop and I catch her to keep her from falling. 

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From that point on for about 6 months it was Bang City. We hit it off, and by hit it off I mean she loved getting rummaged 24/7. She had amazing control over her sticchiu and did things I never saw before or since. She used to love to play a game called, “Cucumber, Zuccini or Squash?” She usually picked two, ya mean? I’d call her Mary Ann, and she’d remind me that her name was Dawn. I’d say, “Yea sure, just suck my cock.” I’ve become a little more tactful over the years. 

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There was a lot of wild shit going on between the cast members of those shows. Hayden Rourke who played Dr. Bellows on the genie program used to rim the big fat guy who played the Skipper on the Island show when they were on breaks for shooting; that guy never took off his captain’s hat. There were checcas all over the place back then. Then there was another Yvonne, the broad who played Lily on the Frankenstien show with the fuckin’ Werewolf kid and Dracula old man. She was one of those broads who had been in a lot of small parts in a lot of big movies, and had a role in “The Ten Commandments,” which got her plugged into the power crowd. She hooked up with Dean while she was doing the TV show and he was doing his TV show. You wouldn’t know it to see her in her get-up for the show, but she was a good looking skirt. Dean got her to shave her zool – that was Dean’s mission in life ever since the Miami Shaving Orgy – which was a big thing for a woman who was around 40 at the time. Dean had a great way with the ladies and didn’t have a mean bone in his body. He always took care of his girls. It was odd though, that it got to a point where he didn’t bang them all, but would get them to shave. I guess you can say he has done mankind a great favor. I gotta tellya, there was nothing worse than dealing with that pants full of gabiles (pronounced gab-eels, I says). It really threw me off to get a beauty in bed, take her pants off and find that hairy sticch. A mannagia!

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Yep, these kids today couldn’t have dealt with the crazy scene in the 60s.

11:46 am March, 15 Vin Douchal said...

Just for that, I’mma take away your access to DoucheyWallnuts’ posts . DoucheyWallnuts, I says

11:58 am March, 15 skrag2112 said...

Just for that, I’mma take away your rectal wart medication.

12:00 pm March, 15 skrag2112 said...

Just for that, I’mma take away your online subscription to hotbutteredthaiboys.com.

12:16 pm March, 15 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Just for that, I’mma gonna go retro and have the Mrs. let her bush grow back.

12:40 pm March, 15 The Dude said...

The Daniellas can Shamalaya my ding dong, any M. Night of the week, and by that I mean I want them to share my load.

2:13 pm March, 15 Ich verstehe sie ist heiß said...

There is a book in these Doucheywallnuts threads, I hope someone is saving them all somewhere safe. I am dying. Dying I says.

2:18 pm March, 15 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Boy that Howie Mandel wearing a hat sure can pull some heavy hotts.

6:54 pm March, 15 purple punguine said...

Just for that I’mma take away your ten degeree flatbilled fitted cap and use it as my chiwawa’s portable toilet then make you put it back on.

7:11 pm March, 15 Nostradouchus said...

Huntington Itch?

9:24 pm March, 15 Stephanie said...

Huntington Fuk?

Vag Chin.

i would take away his public defender and his right to due process.

enemy combatants.

3:53 am March, 16 CB Popped said...

These 2 are adorable.

Fwap,,,,weepsterbate time.

7:33 am March, 16 Ferris said...

Just for that, Imma take away your ability to ever qualify for a real job.

Oh, wait … Stupid neck tattoo already accomplishes that. Darn.

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