Thursday, March 22, 2012

Reader Mail: Phil is Inappropriate

Kellen writes up with a disturbing tale of Fratbaggery:

———–

DB1,

Sandwiched between these two sexy country girls is my buddy Phil. Phil likes to hunt, fish, and drink. When he drinks whiskey, he turns into a db.

His favorite game is Aliens. This is where Phil sneaks up behind a girl, thrusts his arm between her legs, and high fives her Mons Veneris. Apparently this is to replicate the eponymous scene where the Alien rips out of the guy’s chest, but nobody ever seems to get the joke but Phil.

– Kellen

————–

Uhm, I’m not sure where Phil comes from, but last I read, walking up to women and slapping them in inappropriate places is not a game called “Aliens.” It is a game called “Drink-in-Face and Lawsuit.”

# posted by douchebag1
11:30 am March, 22 Wheezer said...

But Kellen is correct about Phil being a douchebag at those times. At that, I’d even go so far as to call him a dipshit. “Asshole” also works.

.

Be kind to the hotts and they may reciprocate.

11:42 am March, 22 Doucheywallnuts said...

Phil should try playing the game, “Eat An Occassional Salad and Hit the Gym Once in a While.”

.

Fatso

11:44 am March, 22 Doucheywallnuts said...

This just in; Phil was voted most likely to die while taking a shit in a night club toilet,” by Fat Fuck magazine.

12:10 pm March, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

I’m sure Phil will be the the hit of the prison yard with this little trick. He’ll be traded for more cigarettes than Snooki has STDs.

12:11 pm March, 22 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

Next time Kellen and Phil run into each other at the local honky tonk bar, I picture the conversation going about like this:

Phil: Bro ! Shit not cool.

Kellen: Bro, you had it comin.

Phil: Bro ! Shit not cool.

Fisticuffs ensue.

12:15 pm March, 22 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I do not want to derail the thread, but can we all just take a moment to wish stomach cancer upon this individual?

.

http://www.thesuperficial.com/the-situation-wasnt-in-rehab-just-an-undisclosed-location-free-of-coke-so-he-could-rehabilitate-03-2012

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Carcinogens

12:35 pm March, 22 hermit said...

Sometimes I’ll walk up to a group of women at a restaurant, unzip my pants, and squirt a still-wriggling swine fetus on the table.

.

I call it “Miss Piggy’s Miscarriage.”

.

.

.

Gets them every time.

12:57 pm March, 22 jonezy said...

I’ve seen more slender fingers on a hog hoof

1:01 pm March, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Kellen

.

Start spiking his whiskey with birth control pills and Summer’s Eve. That way he can play “Alien” with himself and feel fresh about it.

1:03 pm March, 22 jonezy said...

fuckin a DW @ 11.44 – proverbial milk spouting out my nose on that one

.

DW’s making a serious run for co-captain of this site when DB1 finally ends his internship as he’s previously threatened.

1:06 pm March, 22 jonezy said...

his flavor saver is actually gelatinated BBQ sauce and self-hatred.

.

fact

1:10 pm March, 22 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Maybe every woman at any party this fucckstick is at should learn to play Edward Scissorhands with him.

1:17 pm March, 22 Vin Douchal said...

Maybe Phil will have a run on a hunt in with my cousin Eunice, a 267 pound , crew cut, bull dyke, militant feminist and she can reach her gun under his legs, smack him in the crotch with it in a game she calls, “Ouch!” as she states, “That wouldn’t hurt so much if you had a Mons Veneris”

.

.

.

Hemp Farmers

1:41 pm March, 22 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I prefer the Mons Pubis. I also think that the dude on the last thread was famed actor Martin Landau. And I am fucking loaded again.

.

1:51 pm March, 22 Et Tu Douche? said...

I’ll tell you what’s inappropriate, the mugs on the 2 chicks in this picture. I too would have to drink whiskey (Rev Chad Style of course (Respect)) just to even look at these scrags let alone trying some amateurish slap & tickle routine.

2:36 pm March, 22 Magnum Douche P.I. said...

REV: I’m apparently a slow learner as I always click your links and then am surprised when they don’t actually link.

2:44 pm March, 22 Douche Springsteen said...

not to be a bitch, but:

eponymous

adjective

(of a person) giving their name to something : the eponymous hero of the novel.

• (of a thing) named after a particular person : Roseanne’s eponymous hit TV series.

6:20 pm March, 22 Dude McCrudeshoes said...

It’s called palming the mons of Venus, and it’s a sacrament. If by sacrament you mean sexual assault.

6:35 pm March, 22 Chad Groover said...

Philthy.

what? the ladies should appreciate it?

its the only way he will ever give a woman “5”

slobodans.

2:01 am March, 23 mills said...

i think i know the girl on the left…. :S

10:00 pm March, 23 Stephanie said...

Phil is bloated from excessive drink poke a hole in ’em and he’s a keg.

Constipated.

11:48 pm March, 25 Nostradouchus said...

Red Largeman and the Pixie Dicks.

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