Monday, April 9, 2012

Aqua Vulva Got Game

Douchelockets and stupidface may attach British Sexy Sophia into your Old Spice orbit, Aqua Vulva, but that don’t make you not a countrydouche poseur shoescrape.

Yeah.

Beat that sentence, Young Sexy Stephen Hawking With Game.

Ever since creepy-eyed Blake Shelton “crossed over” on that show The Voice, a plethora of Countrybags have rained down on smoggy Los Angeles like a pestilent plague of frogs.

Plague Frogs that sing about how they miss their small hometown, but they’ll go back there some day, and the local diner juke box played Patsy Cline, and Jews killed their God, and them Mexicans need to be shot, ‘yall, because that’s how ‘Merica is!

At least, that’s what it sounds like they’re saying when I listen to it.

Seriously. Look at Blake Shelton’s eyes. They’re like some mutant android Doctor Who alien spore taking over the body of Nurse Ratched before producing a plastic Talking Tina to take out Telly Savalas on the stairs.

Or something like that.

Yup, I’m having way too much fun with links on my first day back.

# posted by douchebag1
1:16 pm April, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I keep getting little zappy things with clicking noises when I go near the Blake Shelton links. Is it just me or am I having another stroke.

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Et Tu

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We can transfer that bet to the new setup of teams Islanders/Ottawa?

1:24 pm April, 9 Mr Reply said...

I would gladly take a nap in her barely visible cleavage…or better yet…leave a nice present and by present I mean pearl necklace there as well!

1:24 pm April, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Fuck. Hawking looks better now all gnarled up and wasting. No homo!

1:25 pm April, 9 DoucheyWallnuts said...

I think it’s Rangers/Ottawa, no? Islanders couldn’t make the playoffs if the rest of the Eastern Conference was killed in plane crashes.

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The Bret Michaels look is Auto. No questions asked.

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Ranked to Boff

1 Blake’s bleeth

2 Hawking’s wife

3 Talking Tina

4 Telly

5 Nurse Ratched

1:44 pm April, 9 Douchble Helix said...

Vin, can you match up #1 – 5 each with a Rat Pack member?

.

Members.

1:58 pm April, 9 Capt. James T. Douche said...

I would very much like to Falcon punch this fatuous bumpkin in his Scott Stappish face then happily give her uvula a thorough examination with Cap Jr.

Testicular evacuation

1:59 pm April, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

British Sexy Sophia looks dirty but not until you spend a ton of cash on her.

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Countrybaggery has annoyed me for years. A real Wyoming cowboy who actually works a real farm from sun up til sun down laughs at A-Holes like this and also weeps due to the bad name these clowns such as the heretofore mentioned Brett Michaels, Kenny Chesney et al give to real cowboys.

2:01 pm April, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev

Dude my condolences that you have to watch the Islanders for a minimum of 4 games. As for betting that series why not it’ll give me something to chuckle about when I’m not watching The B’s slap around the Caps.

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Enforcers

2:16 pm April, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Rev

Sorry for referring to you as dude I meant to say Broseph.

2:21 pm April, 9 DoucheyWallnuts said...

Speaking of hockey, I think the Blackhawks are my new favorite team.

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http://www.google.com/search?q=blackhawks+ice+girls&hl=en&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=w1yDT5fxJ8fd0QHbzuCBCA&ved=0CDUQsAQ&biw=1024&bih=653

2:32 pm April, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

@DW

Ever since old man Wirtz past away and his son Rocky stepped in he has turned that franchise around and really started marketing back to the fans. Those ice girls are hott!!.

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Original Sixers

3:09 pm April, 9 Vin Douchal said...

British Sexy Sophia looks like a low rent Carol Grow. Or maybe Carol Grow’s mug shot, mug shot I says

3:25 pm April, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Et Tu, DW and Vin (I guess)

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This is why I haven’t watched an NHL game since about 1995:

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http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gary%20bettman

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When that little problem gets fixed (along with all the other faggity bullshit he fuccked up), I’ll start watching the (formerly) greatest game on Earth.

3:32 pm April, 9 Vin Douchal said...

Vin, can you match up #1 – 5 each with a Rat Pack member?

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1 Blake’s bleeth- Angie Dickinson

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2 Hawking’s wife- Jackie Kennedy because everyone knows Sinatra banged her in exchange for gettting JFK elected. The sad part is it was to get JFK his first public office job as Dog Catcher of Hyannisport

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3 Talking Tina- Judy Garland. She hasn’t showed up in any of Doucheywallnuts’ tales of debauched mayhem, but her offspring is as ugly as a dead, bloody consigiori in a black and white newspaper photo. There’s all the proof we need

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4 Telly- Telly, bad ass

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5 Nurse Ratched-Shirley McClain Like Louise Fletcher , started out cute but couldn’t stay away from the catering truck. It’s called cake, and it’s supposed to be eaten by the slice.

.

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Puzo’s

4:05 pm April, 9 Vin Douchal said...

@ Doc

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Like most businesses that taste success, the NHL expanded too fast into non-hockey towns causing a watering down of the talent and some sub-par return on investment. Even Best Buy, industry darlings, killers of Circuit City and the NYSE have shuttered stores and called for 1,200 people layed off due to over expansion.<br.

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The entire game was on the brink of insolvency due to teams in Phoenix, Tampa Bay, Nashville and Miami. The only time worth watching was during the playoffs when the better half of the teams play.

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I have to admit, Bettman helped keep the game alive and by naming Brendan Shanahan as the head of discipline he put a hard assed guy that likes the hitting and is reluctant to hand out suspensions

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Yes, pussies are screaming to outlaw fighting and dealing with the head injuries have finally come to light ( a good thing) but the NHL remains the last sport manned by rugged athletes that police themselves, place the team above individual effort and allow revenge to be exacted: The most uniquely talented professionals on the planet

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This year’s 1st round matchups are great. Give it a chance. L.A. vs. Vancouver will be a blood bath as the Canucks cheap shot, after the whistle shenanigans will cause the Kings to retaliate at least for the first 3-4 games. Look for epic hits/brawls on NHL network hi-lites and hockeyfights.com

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Pittsburgh and Philly have more hate between them than the Mossad hunting Nazi war criminals. Two powerpacked teams that hit and score

.<br.

Boston v Washington has the fire power of Alex Ovechkin against the balanced scoring of the Bruins, any line can light you up.

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My prediction is a Boston vs Vancouver final rematch with more injuries than goals as these two warrior packed teams clash in a Rocky II-type battle. They’ll both hit the canvas but the Bruins will limp to their feet by the ten count.

.

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Giacomin’s

4:10 pm April, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

This guy looks like he reaks of Stetson cologne and whatever the shittiest brand if chew you can buy is.

4:26 pm April, 9 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

@ Vin

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Totally agree with your analysis. The main reasons I hate Bettman are the following:

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NO TRADITION LEFT AT ALL – The (Chuck) Norris, Smythe, Adams, and Patrick Divisions gone? All because nimrods can’t remember their names?

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Goalies are now pussies who can’t take a hit? Ron Hextall would disagree with that! They need their own “special place” where they can change their tampons in peace and quiet?

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Center red doesn’t exist? WTF?????? Serious, WTF????? Cherry picking is now legal. Ugh.

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EVERYBODY has to wear a helmet? Randy Carlisle, and Craig MacTavish were great hitters that gave out a lot more lumps than they got back. Sheesh. What’s next? Full body armor?

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I could go on and on (I make Don Cherry sound progressive when it come to hockey) but I won’t. I remember absolute blood bath game between the Pens and the fuccen Flyers at the Igloo. Tim Kerr, Brad Prop, Rick Tocchet, Brad McCrimmon vs Mario, Jay Caufield, Kevin Stevens, etc Now that was fuccen hockey. Now I just see a lot more guys with a lot less skill and heart (it seems to me) playing for paychecks.

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Oh, and Bettman caused the first ever season to be cancelled. He tried to ram the CBA down their throats instead of showing them why it was good for the game. It took one of Bettman’s lackeys (behind the scenes and in secret) to get the players to see why it was good. I will always think the guy is an ass.

4:35 pm April, 9 Nostradouchus said...

Brett MIchaels wannabe douche.

4:51 pm April, 9 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I agree with all of the above and add: Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to give an elitist American Ivy-League fucking Jew (no general disrespect) lawyer with a Napoleon Complex and a history in labour disputes the great institution which was and may be again the strong and proud NHL. Fuck them and any billionaires and consortiums that look like them.

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Rockets

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4:55 pm April, 9 Guid is Good said...

Is this guy an amphibian?

5:05 pm April, 9 Douchble Helix said...

WTF are you guys going on about?

5:07 pm April, 9 Douchble Helix said...

Thanks, Vin!

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However…. What I meant was, match these 5 broads up with the Rat Pack guy who went for her ‘type’.

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But hey, you already did the exercise one. I can live without it.

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Offsiders.

5:11 pm April, 9 CB Popped said...

More NHL talk please,,,I grew up on Strong Island during the Islander Dynasty heydays (long gone)…..I have to watch Rangers and Devils games to see hockey properly now, and that hurts.

Imagine Tavares on Detroit etc?

I hate and have to give credit to the Rangers, but I dont think they have the firepower to win the Cup. The do have a great goalie….young defense with potential,,,if they get this Kreider kid at the last moment it will make things interesting.

Sock, any references to original Twilight Zones are held in the utmost esteem.

5:19 pm April, 9 The Right Honorable Member for, The Very Reverend Mother Her Duchal Serene Highness, Dr, Hortense Sussudio Fuckerfaster said said...

her eyes were as wide as the gaps in his employment history.

aspiring romance novelists.

5:45 pm April, 9 Stephanie said...

Dark Sock- take a shit in this guy’s hat will ya?

5:47 pm April, 9 Anonymous said...

That’s either Jennifer Lyons or her twin in that pic.

6:01 pm April, 9 troy tempest said...

His peen is so tiny, it’s like an acorn at bottom of his torso.

6:42 pm April, 9 Doucheywallnuts said...

I never re-post, but I did mention Ms Garland in one of my missives.

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Now a little known fact about Judy Garland. She loved drummers, but really loved black drummers. One time she hooked up with Buddy Rich in New York City – thanks to an introduction I made – in the mid-50s after they were both featured for a gig at the Latin Quarter, or it might have been at the Metropole Cafe. Either way, he banged her good and proper.  Buddy banged the skins and the babes with the same level of gusto, and if you ever saw him play you know what I mean. He’d even wipe is brow with a towel like he did during gigs, when he was “Va de giobba,” or doing the job as we used to say. Garland was always in various stages of fucked-up, but was known as one of the best lays ever. When her and Buddy went at it they ripped apart a hotel room at The Plaza to the point where it needed to be renovated. Judy also gave incredible skull. Skull, I says. I know this because she “thanked me” several times over the years for my largesse in giving her the intro to Buddy, before she got too sloppy on pills. Her and Miss Day were top 5 all-time when it came to giving skull. Day was a technician, Judy was all sound and fury. For as good of a lay as she was, when the early 60s rolled around and she was a total mess I wouldn’t have fucked Judy with Rickles’s dick.  If I could have found it.

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Anyways, Garland first sang the black snake moan after giving a command performance along with Basie’s orchestra for the Queen of England in 1957. She got into it with Basie drummer Philly Jo Jones during an intermission and almost missed her number in front of the Queen. Philly Jo tapped that ass, as you kids today say, and Garland was exhausted and could barely stand. The show must go on though. Ya mean? One of the few times it wasn’t because she was banged up on booze or pills. From this point on she was hooked. The thing was, it much tougher to get with her preferred brand of drummer in those days, so to make up for it, she went with any drummer she could get a hold of. Rich, Krupa, Belson, Joe Morello, Shelley Mann, Jack Hanna, you name them, she banged them. And if she was lucky enough to cross paths with Max Roach, Sonny Paine, Ed Thigpen or any of the colored drummers, look out.  Buona fortuna! There was a night in Chicago when Woody Herman’s big band The Thudering Herd did to Judy what General Sherman did to Atlanta in the Civil War.

7:57 pm April, 9 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Somewhere Under The Rainbow I Banged A Lot of Colored Drummers is my title suggestion for that one Maestro Wallnuts.

8:04 pm April, 9 Douchble Helix said...

Man am I fucked up. DW thrills us with his Vegas stories. Thanks guys for everything!!

8:05 pm April, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

Loves me some hockey and glad to hear there are some purists on this forum. Playoffs should be fun and whoever you’re rooting for best of luck.

8:08 pm April, 9 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Vin

I think you nailed it earlier about Carol Grow, I bet her five hole is ripe. Can we consider Carol Alt a Bleeth? if so would that make Ron Greschner and his mullet a douche? I say no in that he gets Hockey star leniency.

8:33 pm April, 9 creature said...

this guys about as cowboy as any o them cowboy up BoSox of ’07 sox…2ndly ’12 BoSox sux…sorry Vin

9:08 pm April, 9 Vin Douchal said...

“Cowboy Up” was the motto of the 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox, fuckface.

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Penned by Kevin Millar , a guy who shares the record for most consecutive games reaching base with 71 straight with Kevin Youkilis, The Greek God Of Walks. It’s a “Kevin” Thing. He was born in L.A., home of many cowboys real and imagined

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As far as the ’12 Bosox I don’t know how you can make any assumptions about any team after 3-4 games. The St Louis Cardinals sure sucked for about five months last year, didn’t they?

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Detroit is formidable. Look the fuck out for them this year, yeesh

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Also, don’t take your eyes off them Los Angeles Dodgers. It’s like a weight the size of a Mogootoo chili shit has been lifted off their shoulders. Thy’re loose and having fun, a dangerous combo. Dee Gordon is the next household name

11:17 pm April, 9 The Dude said...

Hey DW — you ever see any ‘hawk chicks with douchebags? lol

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