Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Ask DB1: Condoms and Scrotums

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Hey DB1,

I have a dilemma… I am in a new relationship with a great woman who also hates douchebags. So, being the responsible man that I am, I went to my local drug store to pick up some protection for our intimate times.

When I was shopping, I came across this. Apparently ONE Condoms have made a line of condoms called Tantric, modeled after popular tribal tattoo designs.

Is there such thing as a douchey condom? If there is, I think this may be it. Would I be a douche for buying this product?

All the best,

Musicfanatic

———–

Douchey condoms are plentiful, and can be identified through three central characteristics:

1. The promise of “enhanced” anything (pleasure, size, stamina, etc.). Condoms are for one thing, and one thing only — preventing the XX and the XY from commingling long enough to drain your bank account for the next 25 years while complaining that you’re an emotionally dysfunctional failure.

2. Idiotic naming that refers to anyone from Greek, Roman, Norse, or Native American mythology, with the exceptions of Trojans and Ramses for longevity in service of babylessness.

3. Any scented or colored anything.

All those that fall into these categories are Condombags. The rest are excused.

# posted by douchebag1
1:19 pm April, 10 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Having sex with a rubber is like taking a shower with your raincoat on.

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..

Antediluvians

1:21 pm April, 10 Nancy Dreuche said...

One condoms douchey, buying your own condoms even if they’re these notta douche. And let’s face if shit is getting hot and heavy and all you have are those, lord trust me they will suffice.

1:27 pm April, 10 Mr Reply said...

Who needs a condom when you would break her in two in a heart beat. Dang! She is a skinny barely legal…

1:44 pm April, 10 Et Tu Douche? said...

True story, a buddy of mine fancied himself as man with huge rope. He was always talking about it, which in itself is douchey(no disrespect to Rev Chad). One weekend a bunch of us headed up to Montreal for a bachelor party weekend and I got stuck in a room with him. One of the first things he does as we are settling in and unpacking is pull out a box of MAGNUM® condoms and begins to tell me that these are the only ones that can handle him. Of course I ignored him and laughed at him subconsciously.

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As the weekend progressed all he could talk about was how many chicks he was gonna bang and that he hoped brought enough condoms. We were all getting sick of this by now. Before we went out Saturday night we all convened in our room for pre-game beverages and again he starts going on about these condoms. Now let be known that I’m a staunch critic of advertising and love nothing better then to laugh at someone who falls for some marketing spiel.

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At this point were all sitting around and I had had enough so I say’s let me see one of those at which point I grabbed one of mine from my dopp kit. I ribbed both of them open at the same time to see if there was an actual difference and guess what? there wasn’t. We all bust out laughing telling what a delusional fool he is and a marketeers wet dream. He tells us to fuck off and stewed the rest of the evening plus he didn’t come close to banging any chick the whole time we were there.

1:46 pm April, 10 Et Tu Douche? said...

@Vin

Thanks for the tip on the music, I’ll definitely check it out.

1:49 pm April, 10 jonezy said...

.

now, flavored on the other hand…

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2:19 pm April, 10 Colossus of Choads said...

The Maori ones are cool.

Kia Kaha.

2:19 pm April, 10 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I used a French Tickler on a girl once. She left me for an older guy in high school the heartless Italian beauty of 17 years old. The condom looked like a rubber chicken. It was yellow with a red comb on top. Thing hurt like fuck and didn’t do anything for her but scrape so I turned into a pull out spray master getting it all over their tits and shit, little whores that they were

.

In the bad quarter of my tiny city one can find condoms by the names of Double Up and Make Sure It Doesn’t Slip Off Cause She A Hosebag.

2:41 pm April, 10 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

On the upside, at least they will prevent the Grieco Genetic Spore from being propagated.

3:43 pm April, 10 Nancy Dreuche said...

Some douche: Gee I wish I could have the same stupid boring shit that is on my arms to also be on my dick. Ah sweet! Ones! Wait till I show my bros.

4:04 pm April, 10 Vin Douchal said...

What ever happened to the ole pull it out and jacking off on the tits birth control method? That’s why Wet Wipes were invented, Here you go , Honey

4:14 pm April, 10 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Vin, people still do it, and they’re called parents.

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Pre- Cum Bummers

4:49 pm April, 10 The Right Honorable Member for, The Very Reverend Mother Her Duchal Serene Highness, Dr, Hortense Sussudio Fuckerfaster said said...

much like the ed hardy transcends mere douche, into the uber, and auto categories, lil wayne’s “strapped” condoms are the uberdouche of condom douchery.

its the polar opposite of the magnum conundrum, buying condoms sold by lil wayne.

and strapped doesn’t make much sense and it implies a poor fit.

the worst however is for those intrepid enough to google image search lil wayne strapped condoms.

jeffrey “dental” dahmers

4:50 pm April, 10 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Speaking of scrotums.

.

5:41 pm April, 10 JustDan said...

Uh, nobody here has ever heard of Tantric sex practices?

No suprise. Hand lotion, porn and kleenex yes, tantric sex, no.

5:55 pm April, 10 Douchble Helix said...

Polish kid buys condoms. They’re $2.

.

“That’ll be $2.16.” says the clerk.

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“What’s the extra 16 cents?”

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“That’s for the tax.”

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“Oh, yeah. I wondered how they stayed on.”

7:16 pm April, 10 Nostradouchus said...

What’s a condom?

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(I think I just went douche.)

8:40 pm April, 10 Stephanie said...

From the women’s perspective,if a guy brings his own condoms he’s a-okay. But if he doesn’t,that’s a major douche. It’s that simple dumbasses.

12:55 am April, 11 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Plain and simple gents: bareback that shit. If the broad insists you throw some latex on before sticking it to her, say okay, fumble around like you’re putting one on and then go to town.

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Trust me, chicks really can’t tell the difference like you can, so there’s no point in numbing the sensation just cuz their scared of getting knocked up or AIDS or some shit. If they were really that concerned, they wouldn’t have begged you to slip ’em the ol’ kidney prodder in the first place. And if they do catch something, that’s what fake names and good die jobs are for.

.

I spent many a year perfecting the art of pretending to wear a condom. You keep a rubber glove in your wallet and pull it out when pretending to put a raincoat on, and just lay it aside. After you blown a nasty gob in their cooch, grab the rubber glove and snap one of the finger to simulate the sound of yanking a condom off. When they notice the torrent of jism leaking out their slit and ask if it broke, snap the glove finger again and say “no, it’s in one piece. You must just be really wet” and make your way to the bathroom to flush the evidence.

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Works every time.

10:29 am April, 11 Douchble Helix said...

Brilliant, JD!!

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