Friday, April 20, 2012

Ask DB1: Realtorbags

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DB1,

So the other evening whilst I was harmlessly robot dancing to myself in the shower it occurred to me are there careers that are douchey or more appropriately careers that are douche signifiers?

I mean we all have to make a living right?

But it occurred to me douches seem to gravitate to certain careers. Usually ones associated with quick easy money, vanity and a veneer of psuedo-celebrity attached to it or something. Jobs where they can believe they are a master of the universe when really they’re just a peon to a much bigger fish (DJing, Club promoting, personal training and to a degree finance).

So I remembered that most people I’ve encountered working in real estate or have ever had to deal with in real estate were arrogant douchebags with an over developed sense of self-worth and importance. They usually drove the gaudiest model of luxury or sports car they could find with some kind of stupid slogan spelled out on thier vanity license plates and wore the tackiest, flashy clothes they could find.

Here’s a real estate scammer bag that appeared on A and E’s “Flip this House” turning the art of real estate scamming and cheaply fixing up crappy houses to unload to willing suckers into a reality show.

For some of his greatest hits google Armando Montelongo.

Regards,

Capt. James T. Douche

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This brings up an important addendum to the Rockstar Leniency Rule. No exemption for reality TV show hosts.

None.

# posted by douchebag1
9:41 am April, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

With myself in finance and mortgages and shit and my wife appraising residential properties for the banks and lawyers and sheriff dudes and shit, we know these people but never attend the same room as them. Cause realtor bags all got cooties or coochie critters like Armondo here. And yes they all lease the best new entry model luxury car they can afford. And 1 percent of them make money. Occupy Montelongo.

Son. Man I’m stoned. Away!

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Coochie Critters. Son. They

9:49 am April, 20 Vin Douchal said...

Say what you will about Realtors , and I have a bunch of non-douchey RE agent buddies, the ones that are in the business today are the true professionals. They refer me tons of business

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When times are good any mope can sell/flip a house. Truck drivers, housewives, WalMart cashiers all go into the business. The moronic ones think the good life will last forever and buy the his and hers Mercedes with the 7 year loan, get the bigger house that doubles their current monthly payment and spend what they earn

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These people are broke and renting today

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The pros understand the boom/bust dynamic of the housing market, adapted to the system and worked out ways to sell the banks’ bad loan houses in the current marketplace. They needed to take some extra training and invest the money they wisely put away during the last boom and are doing well, believe it or not

.

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That said, Armando Montelongo is a douchebag and his wife is a priss. They bug

9:49 am April, 20 Jeet Kune Douche said...

There’s just NO WAY that a slime mold like Armondo or his ilk can even come close to scoring with a chica better than a 6. The Natural Laws of the Universe prevent such gross imbalances, and the Olympian Gods would strike down such abominations.

Armondo demonstrates this with the semi-hawt draped on him. A solid 6, yes – but no more.

9:51 am April, 20 Vin Douchal said...

Mortgage brokers, on the other hand, are snake oil salesmen and the industry is rife with amateurs and know-nothing fuckwits.

10:46 am April, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^ stoned snake oil salemen. Son. 420. Too greasy for me these days with things always booming up here every immigrant jumps in and rapes his fellow ghetto dwellers. I will however fund low-risk sad cases with a pool of money I have created until I jump careers in one year. 7% private mortgages aren’t that bad, until I charge the fees. Ha ha! Fees I says. Ha Ha! By the power of Greyskull I will charge the fees.

10:48 am April, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

^I won’t discuss my hard money deals. Hee ho ha ha ha! I might lose respect for myself, if i had any.

10:52 am April, 20 DarkSock said...

Alls I know is this…An architect takes on a project; designs, draws and specifies a building – from the front door pull to the crown moulding to the finial at the top of the gable. He carries an insane amount of risk and liability, and works thousands of hours, and makes literally over a million decisions; he can be sued for just one wrong choice. The common fee: 6% of the construction budget.

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Realtor walks in, lists a property, shows it to a few folks, gets them to sign some papers…BAM – 6% fee.

.

Good gig if you can get it, I suppose.

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But I’ve done things that will stand 100 years after I am gone. And I am not just talking about impact damage to the Gulfport Sea Wall from my boat. Well, that, also. Whereas these people are literally parasitics; pass-throughs that have managed to insert themselves through artifice and entitlement into the money stream of property, mainly because of the death-fear most have of such a leviathan purchase.

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I know a lot of cool realtors, and a bunch of turd-twister realtors too; it’s not that they’re automatically douchey.

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But I view their “profession” with the same respect as I regard those in the also-artificially-fabricated wedding industry.

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Flippers.

10:52 am April, 20 John Largemans Cheeseburger said...

Vin you nailed it right on the head. I had the misfortune to know a handful of these Mortgage brokers, Appraisers & Title and Settlement people and they thought they were all Millionaires yet earning 100K or better. Brand new cars every other year, crazy bar tabs etc; when the shit hit the fan they lost it all and are now scrambling to the next scam.

10:53 am April, 20 DarkSock said...

WAIT…back up…

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Captain James T. Douche – why were you robot-dancing with yourself in the fuccen shower???

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In intervention is called for.

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Son?

10:54 am April, 20 DarkSock said...

Hey…where’d Medusa go?

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.

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dammit!

11:02 am April, 20 Nancy Dreuche said...

@James T, regarding robot dancing in the shower. Nottadouche. Wait, why couldn’t the whole post be about that? I don’t have enough experience with realtors to hand out a judgement. But I’m sure just like every profession youve got shady folks and trustworthy folks.

11:05 am April, 20 DarkSock said...

There needs to be more discussion about robot-dancing in the shower. Not just here. In greater society.

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I must now go masturbate into a canned ham.

11:11 am April, 20 Nancy Dreuche said...

@DarkSock, re: canned ham love. Nottadouche if its consensual and you take the ham out to dinner first.

11:31 am April, 20 Charles Douchewin said...

@ DarkSock, Dreuche is right – just be sure dinner isn’t pork Barbacue. That’d be turducken-style impropriety.

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Also, @ Capt. James T. Douche – I Mannequin danced in the shower once.

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Lastly, I’d like to slap Armando Montelongo with Fish Slap, and a collective sense of Kantian forthrightness.

11:38 am April, 20 troy tempest said...

I’ve dealt with a number of realtors in my day. Only two were human beings, and of them, one was a lipstick lesbian with a rockin’ bod, and the other was a middle aged housewife who did it part time. ALL of the men I’ve known who were real estate agents were 100% prime douche. The most laughable was this twit I met a few years ago. He drove a BMW convertible, wore sunglasses indoors, white belt, $300 blue jeans, faux hawk, the whole fuckin nine yards. His girlfriend was smokin’ hott. I took a picture of them (on film no less) and I was going to send it in, but when it came back from the lab, their part of the negative was hosed. Sigh. But, man, this guy was a piece of work. A total shitstain on the toilet roll of civilisation.

I later found out he totalled the BMW, and his GF left him because he’s such a fucking idiot.

Most of the male Realtors I’ve dealt with were more the “I’m a greasy republican who isn’t smart enough to run a car dealership” type of douchebag. You know – the JFK memorial haricut, the tailored pin stripe suit, and the only music they play in the BMW or the Mercedes is Pat Metheny or David Sanborn, both of whom need soul transplants.

11:45 am April, 20 hermit said...

Darksock 10:52

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Agreed, in addition after the house is sold, the new occupants whine and bitch at the contractor every time there’s a loose doorknob for two years, then when their company transfers them to Milwaukee, they call their realtor who then sells the same house and once again and pockets another 6% on the same damn house.

11:51 am April, 20 DoucheyWallnuts said...

A) May I be the first on this thread to opine that James T has too much time on his hand.

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2) I would like to nominate any membership salesperson who works in a large, franchise gym = DOUCHE.

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c) I peed in a mortgage broker once. Once, I says.

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IV) Nothing hotter than banging a realtor bleeth on the dining room table in someone else’s house. And on the kitchen counter and in the pool…

12:03 pm April, 20 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

I think that is Montelongo’s wife. And I also sense a hatred towards finance dudes and appraisers which is disproportionate in that they were complicit in the fraud that was in the business in the States before the meltdown you had. It was a shitfuck down there.

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In Canada we are strictly regulated and carry great amounts of legit errors and omissions insurance in lending and appraising. No kickbacks and blow job appraisals or rigged rates like happened in your fine beleagered nation. There are big douchebags in the mortgage and real estate end here as well though but much less crookery cause we’re Canadians Eh..

.

Dark Sock is correct in that the finance and real estate industry as a whole are flippers and create no tangible widgets and shit. I miss my construction company. Damned NAFTA!

.

Go Sens. Where’s Wedgie?

12:11 pm April, 20 Douche of Hazzard said...

I am a Certified General Appraiser and a Certified Douchebag

12:25 pm April, 20 Capt. James T. Douche said...

My mind tends to wander, especially in the bathroom I end up doing all sorts of weird shit in there but who doesn’t? DW is right I have too much time on my hands with my unusual schedule of working nights and it being one week on and one week off.

5:47 pm April, 20 Nostradouchus said...

Don’t forget politics as well. If we’re talking professions, then it has to be in the conversation.

9:05 pm April, 20 Stephanie said...

As long as you robot dance and the shower,I’m cool with it.

Especially with the band Kraftwerk. Did you know they were in NYC and they sold out every show for a week at the Museum Of Modern Art?

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