Monday, April 16, 2012

HCwDB of the Month

Bring it. Long overdue. Make it count.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Mickey the Polyp and Savannah

Hair grease.

It smells like oyster.

And by oyster I mean rotting fish carcass.

Not butt starfish euphemism.

I have no idea what butt starfish euphemism means.

But if I start a thrash punk dubstep emo acoustic jam band, it will be called “Butt Starfish Euphemism.”

Mickey The Polyp shames Savannah’s ancestors, and so our first finalist in the Monthly is toxic.

And boobs. Glorious, glorious grooooooo.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Lickwipe and Sexy Poochtickle Trina

Stupidface and shiny forehead deserve ubermock.

Mmmm…

Poochtickle Trina.

A taut bubble of slappy spank six dollar rutti tutti breafkast fresh coffee bacon and pancake syrupy caloric gnaw.

Mmmm….

Bodices.

Don’t think of them as 19th Century repressive examples of patriarchy.

Think of them as side-boob pancake makers.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

The pure tattoorific punchface asshattery of Sleepy Jerkenstein is enough to punch a honeybadger in the nadsack.

Cindy has the pure face and angelic smile of nostalgic recall.

When you’re lying on your deathbed, you think you’ll be thinking about your family? Your kids? Your career? Your parents?

Hells no.

You’ll be thinking about Cindy.

And lets not forget Innocence and Poo Face. Not every day a monthly candidate also make it into an HCwDB at the Guggenheim piece of art.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Enrique and Paid-to-Pose Tammy

Awarded by the glorious ‘Sock, this asshattery and paid-to-pose Asian Hottness is all sorts of toxic in Dubuque.

See-though douche shirt and idiotic red hat are a fairly unique and highly mockworthy combo around these parts.

Tammy changed her name from Shin-Huen after arriving from Hong Kong. As such, she is to be appreciated for the display of viable womb in service of taking money from doucheclowns such as Enrique.

But do they have what it takes to win (lose) the HCwDB of the Month?

Now it’s your turn.

Tell me which of these four couplings deserve to take the prize.

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

# posted by douchebag1
6:40 am April, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Wow I forgot all about the monthly, I must repair to my underground bunker and plot out who is most worthy of the award.

6:46 am April, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Sleepy McJerkenstein for the unemployablility and because even Nancy Dreuche wouldn’t blow him. And she blows anybody. And because his chick will be voted least likely to carry disease. Can I get a second on the disease?

6:50 am April, 16 troy tempest said...

Lickwipe is a zero, so fugggedabout him, even though Trina’s the hottest hott of the bunch. Lickwipe will end up selling real estate in Redondo Beach and leave behind little more than his own slime trail.

.

Mickey’s pretty fucking heinous, but not anywhere near as heinous as Sleepy Jerkstein or Enrique. Also, Mickey’s bleeth looks about as dumb as a sack of hammers. And by that, I mean she looks like she collects STDs like murderous lunatics collect moths.

.

So, for me, it’s between Jerkstein and Enrique. They are both enraging for different reasons. Jerkstein is just prison fodder. He’s completely unemployable, so he’ll eventually end up running afoul of some three strikes law somewhere in the fascist states of Amerika and spend the next 25 years as Bubba The Butt Bandit’s “little buddy”. (which reminds me – I wonder when the Donkster’s gonna be let out of the hoosgow?) The net result is I think Jerkstein’s fate is pretty much sealed, and I think he’s only going to be wandering around in public for a few more years, so his ability to pollute is much more limited than Enrique.

.

Now Enrique… this miserable fucking piece of crap needs to have his breathing license revoked. You know he’s going to end up insurance salesman of the year for double billing cancer patients for treatments they were denied as (DOLLARS FOR DEATH!) and when confronted by any SANE person, he’ll just look at you and say “Hey – who fuckin cares? They’re DEAD. They don’t need the fucking money – I do.” And you will want to pound him into a pastry crust and feed him to the badgers out back, but you know he’s such a slimy scumbag that you don’t feel that it would be nice to kill badgers that way.

.

Yeah – it’s that jazzy “hey I’m coolier than thou” attitude and the red fuzzy hat and the shit eating smile and the body buttered with Hemorrhoid Cream and fake tanning lotion that puts Enrique over the top, and by over the top, I mean under the bus.

6:52 am April, 16 Red Headed Woman said...

No. 3.

6:58 am April, 16 Doucheywallnuts said...

Mickey the Polyp and Savannah FTW. Mickey looks exactly like what you might expect to find growing on the inside of your colon. Add to the mix the half-hearted hand gesture, half-hearted kissy lips/duck lips expression and the tranny vibe given off by Savannah and her tits, and you have all the ingredients necessary to qualify for the Yearly.Yearly, I says.

7:04 am April, 16 melvil_duchi said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

I have nothing witty to say

7:05 am April, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Ok I’m back by process of elimination I’ll start with Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. She definitely fulfills the Hott quotient and he the DB however I fear he is some sort of wannabe d-list rapper and Cindy for whatever reason find this attractive. Shame on Cindy and all the other ladies who can put the blinders on when it comes to deluding themselves that guys like this are cool and worthy of backstage hummers. Fail

.

On to Enrique and Paid-to-Pose Tammy, Enrique has a latino cultural clothing theme going on here and while I’m no fan of said theme he seems relatively harmless. PtP Tammy is just that, and while I would love to one day enjoy some Asian madness, she’s just spectacle and probably expensive. Fail

.

I find nothing hott about Savannah and yes Mickey the Polyp is annoying shoe scrape. I would just keep walking if I happened to stumble into their orbit with nary a second thought. Fail

.

My pick for this month’s Monthly is The Lickwipe and Sexy Poochtickle Trina. She’s got a nice set of naturals and that’s always a plus. Where the bodice ends and her low rise jeans begin looks to be a very enticing area with visions of grandeur awaiting a bit lower behind her zipper. The Lickwipe is all that is calculated, preening, annoying douchenozzlery. It’s like he’s mugging her with his “fuck yeah smile” and she looks like she’d rather be somewhere else. I’m still trying to figure out what that is on his belt as I’ve never seen that bag’ adouchrement before. To encapsulate she’s worthy of saving and he’s a pud.

7:29 am April, 16 JK said...

Enrique.

Because a man should NEVER wear transparent shirt.

Also, he stole my hat.

8:09 am April, 16 SonnyChibaChoad said...

Lickwipe for the Loss

8:27 am April, 16 YA said...

Found the source of #4: http://kandyevents.com/PhotoGallery

It’s a motherlode!

8:38 am April, 16 Doucheywallnuts said...

Great find YA. And by that I mean it’s time to ejaculate on something.

8:42 am April, 16 Douchble Helix said...

I make a motion that all hunters are herewith granted four votes for The Monthly.

8:52 am April, 16 Douche of Hazzard said...

I gotta go with Sleepy. I think he is posing like that to show his eyelid tatts. Stupid tattoos, stupid hat, big fat belly and a hot chick. WTF?

8:53 am April, 16 Scooby Douche said...

I wanted to vote for the Polyp at first, but then I noticed he has no visible tatts, and no rings on the finger. Sorta semi-douche. And I have have some tranny reservations about Savannah. I would have to see those cans outside the dress to make a final verdict about whether they are store bought.

Enrique might have to get a cultural pass. I’m thinkin he’s Cuban, and a shirt like that is ok for that part of the world. And that thing he’s with is fugly, so, no…..

No need to comment on Lickwipe; he’s just a weiner.

Which brings us to Jerkenstein. Tatts all the way down to the knuckles? But what really screams total douchbag to me are the tatts under the eyes. And the fact that he is actually touching the Virgin Cindy is so infuriating, it makes me want to pour Drano down his throat.

Jerkenstein FTW. Cindy for the back seat of my mom’s ’67 Chrysler Newport, where I would show her the meaning of “box score”.

9:09 am April, 16 Vin Douchal said...

Worst combo is Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Therefore , they get the vote. And by vote I mean no 9-1-1 call or heimlich when Sleepy chokes on Beef Jerkey. Just a lot of pointing and laughing

9:49 am April, 16 The Dude said...

The Polyp. He looks like the giant barking spider fart I just ripped would look if I had eaten that charred pizza I left in the oven too long last night.

10:03 am April, 16 Candyland Reviewer and Reverend Chad Follower said...

Those Candyland chicks are dirty hot. Like drinks and a bit of cash hot. But they are not all stunning, except for their dirty, dirty, bodies. But when I got to a picture of one of those Corey dudes, the live one, I had to depart. And by depart I mean run to the bad side of town with a few grams and a slice of the World’s (respect) greatest Canadian pizza to get a blowie from the cute street chicks on this warm April day. I says. Son. 420 is coming.

10:54 am April, 16 Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy FTW! Why? THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! He’s like the MacLeod to all the other immortals seen here. They all have their own special skills and weaponry but none is the ultimate match for Sleepy. His face tatts and utter lack of anything even remotely resembling the ability to comprehend that he is considered sentient gives him the the ability to win “The Prize”. All the others are upright, have a facial expression and seem to have the necessary locomotive skills to move unassisted but not Sleepy. No way! Life is WAY over-rated (in his opinion) we’re just all living in his world. AND for that, he wins (loses).

11:03 am April, 16 FoghornLeghorn said...

Tough choice this month, but I have to go with Jerkenstein and Cindy. The “Taco God” tattoo on his face pushes him beyond the other douches.

11:11 am April, 16 army (ret) douche said...

Sleepy ’cause i want to remove his tats with a laser, and by laser i mean flamethrower. also cindy is the least artificial looking

11:18 am April, 16 fatness said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy

.

This one is a matter of extremes…SJ is extremely toxic and Cindy is extremely cute but naive. You just know this evening ended badly with her wandering some dirt road with no memory of the last six hours.

.

That alone is enough for the monthly.

11:24 am April, 16 Douche Bagalow said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein by a country mile!

11:37 am April, 16 Baron Von Goolo said...

Every one of these outstanding citizens is asking for a kerosene-filled Goodyear necklace and a sledgehammer to put it out with, so I think we need a new metric. An alternate reality metric, where 20 years in the future each of these fartnozzles has come to their senses, denounced their douchey ways and has taken a running jump at respectable citizenry. Only one of these lads is going to be punched in the face by his poor choices from the moment he looks in the bathroom mirror in the morning until he brushes his teeth at night, until the day when his 75 year old stripclub head bartender ex-wife has him bleached before the open casket.

.

Alas, poor Sleepy. We hardly knew ye. And what we did know made us point and giggle.

11:51 am April, 16 Sir Douchalot said...

Enrique-he is wearing the douchiest shirt EVER invented. Congrats

11:55 am April, 16 Jacques Doucheteau said...

Though Lickwipe’s patting of Trina’s biblically sniffalble tummy and sneer that says “hey, I just impregnated THIS” infuriates me to no end, they lack that extra bit of self-immolation-inducing quality that the toxic/angelic coupling of Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy posses.

.

Just the way Sleepy’s tattooed slimy fingers entwine in her copper brown hair like myxobacterial flagella leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And that taste is bourbon and bile.

.

And Blink 182 are a bunch of fags.

11:56 am April, 16 Viable Womb In Service? said...

Oh my goodness!

12:44 pm April, 16 Savannah's Cock said...

mmmmph!

1:37 pm April, 16 Kaiser Wilhelm said...

Enrique and Paid-to-Pose Tammy

1:54 pm April, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Note the knuckles on Savannah’s hand, looks like she was training ala Rocky pounding on slabs of porch beef.

1:56 pm April, 16 Jeet Kune Douche said...

From the top:

Polyp and Savannah – Wow, what a Vomit Comet of Intergalactic Septic Swill, a veritable Dynamic Duo of Douche. These two are the worst example of Crotchrot Choad Coupling that I can remember seeing. The Gods of Olympus will Destroy Us for allowing such filth to fester among us.

Lickwipe and Tina – Lickwipe is irrelevant and Tina, unfortunately is rather uninteresting. In fact, almost completely normal.

Sleepy and Cindy – Whoa. Cindy is a real cutey pie, everything about her looks attractive. As to the pile of tatoo’ed dung next to her – gimme a can of Raid and a match, I’ll get that stain outta the couch reeeeaal gooood.

Enrique and Tammy – poor Enrique probably still thinks he’s cool because he imitates Rico Suave in word and deed, and has been doing so since junior high. Wow, what a loser. As for Tammy………Oh Dear God…………she makes me wanna lick my display screen, uuuuuuuunnnnnnggggggghhhhhh……….

So this time we have a clear cut winner, folks:

Polyp and Savannah. A clear Douchecon Zero, with Slim Pickens ridin’ that nuke all the way down to the target, for the betterment of Humanity.

2:37 pm April, 16 Charles Nelson Douchely said...

The only way Sleepy could be any scrotier is if it was a Yankees cap tilted sideways on his empty skull. Sleepy FTW.

2:45 pm April, 16 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Sleepy Jerkstein FTW! Face tatts take it to a whole new level.

2:56 pm April, 16 Wheezer said...

This Monthly goes to Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. She is everything that is girl-next-door cutie, the one you liked to watch as she’d wash her Dad’s car, help her Mom in the garden, and sit on the school bus laughing and giggling with her friends. She’d always have a nice “Hi” for you when she saw you outside or at school, so you find yourself seething with rage that she’s in any way interested in this rat pizzle.

.

Seething, I says.

3:02 pm April, 16 Mr. Scrotato Head said...

Sleepy Jerkstein and Cindy. Because she is real world bad-decision making but not so bad that it’s permanent (unless she’s got Hep-C), and because I want to hear Sleepy’s acceptance speech which will no doubt include something like “Mm-umm-mph. Uhhm. C’n I have sum Cheetos w’that? Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn, h’come m’eyelids hurt?”

.

Stupid frat boys get Sharpied when they smoke too much weed and pass out after the party. Dumbass douchebags get a $2,000 ink bill from Buttphister Blue Nuckles Tatt House when they fall asleep in the chair after one too many Natty Lites. Jokes on you Sleepy. $2,000 is just the first installment. Better start flipping that sign around Cirque Du Soleil style outside the Jiffylube if you want to have any money left over for Cindy. Come on out to the Scrotato Head compound, Cindy of the natural cleavite, the ink on my toilet paper is much better than the shit on his face.

3:02 pm April, 16 I R A Darth Aggie said...

Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy FTW. As I promised in the weekly,

.

And by win I mean the Monthy. And the Yearly.

.

Thus bringing the Mayan calendar to a fateful close.

.

We are doomed. I’m going the not-so-Secret Service route.

3:10 pm April, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

Wow a lot of love and by love I mean vile hatred for Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Am I missing something here? I mean Cindy is hot not doubt about it but doesn’t her attraction to this clown make her kinda wrong? I mean seriously it looks like she’s backstage for a photo op with this rapper wannabe and I’m willing to bet she couldn’t wait to post pic on BragBook™ and an “OMG here I am backstage pre or post event with Sleepy he’s sooo cool”. She disgusts me but don’t get me wrong I would anger pummel her from behind for her indiscretions. Carry on I just wanted to vent.

3:34 pm April, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

For once the Rev is right about something. Sleepy McJerkoff is in my No Blow Zone along with RevChad, Screech from Saved by the Bell, Hitler’s Dad and Santa (no fatties). Of course there are others but I’m not here to make lists I’m here to vote. Sleepy FTW, and while I agree with Et Tu that Cindy is a tritard because she probably thinks he is like totes fresh and for seriously edgy when in reality he’s just an ahole who let someone draw on his face in permanent ink, I still think he’s the biggest bag here and deserves the win. I’d punch him in the face but that would probably make him look better.

4:25 pm April, 16 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Sleepy and Cindy, because he is douche personified and she is do-a–bility in a taut, brunette package.

4:44 pm April, 16 Nancy Dreuche said...

Also, before you all kill yourselves there are plenty of other hot brunettes that aren’t into Sleepy. But you know, what do I know I’m just a blah blah blah blah blah.

5:11 pm April, 16 Douche Meter said...

Not even fair to the other douches: Sleepy Jerkenstein going away.

And what is with the face tatt? Is it some extra reminder at the carwash that I can get a crappy air freshener for an extra buck because he’s too busy lining my wheels up?

5:26 pm April, 16 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

Tina Turner wanted to stop in and flash some barely concealed wiry BUSH (respect). I loves me some Mullata and Chocobrown goodness. These chicks are working it son. I don’t know what you dudes were doing when you were 4 but I was kicking it old school like DWallnuts. No racist.

.

5:55 pm April, 16 ehcuodouche said...

Lets see what these couples bring to the party: 1) Mickey brings chin fung, punch face, christ bling and more grease than McDonalds dumps in county sewer systems every day. While Savannah’s face doesn’t conform to what I normally define as beautiful, I’d change that definition to include exotic to fuck those boobs. 2) The Lickwipe brings…a lick, and a girl who looks so crazy even Steve McNair would have turned her down cold. 3) Sleepy brings major league punchface, by which I mean you’ll want to call in afterward a bunch of hard, pipe-hittin niggers that will go to work on him with pliers and a blow-torch, chin fung, wrist fung, stupid-tatt overdose, and big hat. Meanwhile, Cindy is all that is right with the world, which makes it all the more wrong. 4) Enrique appears to only be wearing four articles of clothing, but three are doucheworthy – oversized aviators, see through pec and ab shirt, obnoxious red hat. He also appears to have many growths over his body, one of which resembles chin fung. Tammy Park, or Tammy Kim if you prefer, has both qualities I prefer in women…Asian, big tits. Like with Savannah, I’m okay not having also a supermodel face to get the first two.

So who is it? Well, though #4 is the most preferable hott IMO, Sleepy is an offense to nature. There’s no reason on earth to tattoo “Fear God” under your eyeballs unless you want it to be the target for fists.

7:20 pm April, 16 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Rev

I’ll see your Tina Turner with some more Tina Turner and her proto rocker douche saxophone player. Start at the 2:55 mark and watch the ridiculousness ensue.

.

7:46 pm April, 16 Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadouche said...

With all due respect to the four hotts – and this monthly is quite the batch – Sleepy McJerkenstein and Cindy win because FOR FUCK’S SAKE HE HAS WORDS TATTOOED UNDERNEATH HIS EYES. In a just world, one could only do such a thing after having a vasectomy. At the hands of the tattoo artist. Without anesthetic.

8:01 pm April, 16 Indiana Choad and the Temple of Douche said...

Gotta go with Sleepy Jerkenstein and Cindy. Assclown deliberately did that so he wouldn’t have to get a job, and can sit around and suck on the welfare teat all day. When he’s not dipping into Cindy’s student loan, that is. Where’s a good chainsaw when you need one?

8:03 pm April, 16 Stephanie said...

Sleepy Jerkinstein FTW. Complete loser on so many levels he has to win at one thing,right?

8:44 pm April, 16 troy tempest said...

after reviewing the votes of others, I have come to agree that Sleepy must be selected as DB of the month and I change my vote. Why? Because as sleezy and dull as Enrique seems with his PTP Asian stripper babe, Sleepy really is just a piece of garbage. I stand by my prognosis – his future is 25 to life at Mule Creek with Bubba the Butt Bandit. His contrast with Cindy is so strong, though, it far outweighs the difference with Enrique and the PTP Bleeth. Sleepy FTW. Because his final voluntary sphincter is made of lube.

10:04 pm April, 16 Sofa King said...

Cindy and Sleepy. The girl next door and a sack of full of mung wearing a stupid hat and looking like a stunned goat. It’s Sofa King depressing.

1:35 am April, 17 Nostradouchus said...

Sleepy FTW. I’d have went with Lickwipe but, deep down, he knows nobody likes him. I’m convinced Sleepy thinks he’s cool.

.

Leprosy is not cool, brah.

4:41 am April, 17 Sax Dudes Ghost said...

@Et Tu

.

That was some greasy 80’s shit she pulled there with that fuck. He looks like they rubbed him with BP crudel. Fucker must have rubberised sax keys so he doesn’t slip off. And by slip-off I mean I may go to the game tomorrow if I have time to miss a day of life Thursday. An old buddy hit it rich and always opens his company suite to friends and family if the Sens are in the playoffs, otherwise he sub-lets it and continues his world travels with his Brazilian girlfriend. And by Brazilian I mean boner. I hate that guy.

5:44 am April, 17 Et Tu Douche? said...

@ Sax Dudes Ghost

If you happen to run into Rev Chad, tell him I think the series will go 7 with Broadway BlueSharts winning it and thus me winning $20 CDN which I would like paid in a gift card from Tim Horton’s Donuts. Donuts are good for hangovers son.

7:38 am April, 17 merle baggard said...

Tatt-face is the worst.

7:48 am April, 17 Brogenheim said...

LICKWIPE FTD (For The Douche)

7:50 am April, 17 DouchYouWannaDance said...

Gotta give props to Trina with the “somebody help me” eyes.

12:52 pm April, 17 Douche Springsteen said...

Let’s get down to brass tacks here. We can keep up with the voting every month until December rolls around, sure. But we could also just crown Sleepy Jerkenstein & Cindy as HCwDB of the year and spend the rest of 2012 drinking Old Crow, eating tasty snack cakes and watching a loop of Phoebe Cates taking off her top in Fast Times and the sorority pillow fight scene in Animal House while we wait for the Mayan apocalypse. The choice is yours. I vote for Sleepy & Cindy.

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