Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Reader Mail: Report from Douche Mecca

Capt. James T. Douche beams in with a report from Douche Mecca:

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Hey DB1,

Nice to see you back hope you were relaxing with whatever you were doing wherever it was at.

So I decided to travel out to Vegas, I usually go 2 or 3 times a year to enjoy the desert, gamble and dine at some fancy resturants and generally enjoy time away from work and the midwest.

I tried to snap a few pics of the countless bags and Bleeths that are crawling, lurching and puking their way about town, alas I was hardly successful as I only was able to capture 2 pics that are even remotely worthwhile.

As it turns out it is rather difficult to snap pictures of someone without them knowing even in a place like Las Vegas. Anyways well if these are of any use, have at it.

Regards

Capt. James T. Douche

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Real-world first person tagging is no easy thing, CJTD, so your work is well appreciated. Vegas is filthy fun, and the douchebags with hot chicks both make the city what it is, and need to be fumigated with late 1980s Agent Orange.

May all of your giggle hotties have been drunk, and may your Aces have been split. Wait, that sounds vaguely inappropriate.

# posted by douchebag1
6:27 am April, 11 Et Tu Douche? said...

Good work CJTD, you went into the belly of the beast and sounds like you made it out relatively unscathed.

6:34 am April, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

There is only one person who can comment on this picture with the requisite angry aplomb.

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6:48 am April, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

I’ll click on RevChads link when I feel like being let down. Great tag Cap’n James. But these two look pretty mild compared to what we’ve seen here before. Maybe its because these two are neither poolside or in a club where the douche/bleeth virus seems to flourish. Were you able to save any alcoholic or drug addicted bleeths while you were there?

6:54 am April, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

Er, I meant were you able to save any giggle hotts by getting them drunk or drugging them?

7:14 am April, 11 The Reverend Chad Kroeger said...

This guy digs it.

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7:19 am April, 11 jonezy said...

one of the best new year’s I ever had was in Vegas, when I got arrested about 2 hours before midnight for hoisting some broad on my shoulders so she could flash her tits while hundreds of revelers crowded around to take videos and pics of it.

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As i set her down off my shoulders, 4 cops in riot gear proceeded to tackle me to the ground. But, I’m no slouch, so it took them a while, and I still had my bottled beverage in my hand, refusing to drop it as they were trying to catch my wrist for cuffing. Finally I relented, and they got me cuffed up.

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Thankfully, they just walked me behind their barricade area, told me not to do that, and let me go enjoy the rest of my evening. Never did find that girl again either, which is a shame.

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Then I hitchhiked home the next day with some pot smoking chicks. As I had lost all my money the night before, I thanked them by buying McDonald’s drive thru lunch on my credit card. Was hoping that would be enough to get a nice blowie, but neigh, they remained in the front seats while I mostly slept in the back. Still, good times Ms. Vegas, you harlequin bitch

7:29 am April, 11 Capt. James T. Douche said...

@ ND 6:48 There was one incident involving a young Bleeth stumbling out of TAO with her friend and she was full on blotto. She face planted coming off the down escalator back into The Venetians casino area on the way back to thier room when her ankles gave out. I could smell the vodka oozing out of her pores from 10 feet away as she mumbled and murmured something incomprehensible as her friend picked her up. I would have very much liked to capture this on video with my phone however due to the tremendous strain on space time in the douche nexus life tends to move rather quickly. After her friend picked her up about 5 beefed up guido types who had been circling the area and witnessed what was going on and not wanting to waste a juicy oppurtunity surrounded her and being the good samaritans those types tend to be nicely said “We’ve got an extra bed in our suite why don’t you come with us… *wink *wink” Fortunately for her and her various points of insertion security had seen her face plant and they then stepped in and muscled “Team Affliction” off to the the side and snatched her out of the clutches of a Jersey cum bath and got her and her friend safely to an elevator. Alas no picture or video it seemed to happen all so quickly, in the blink of an eye but it was some quality Bleeth antics.

Another incident which I would have liked to have captured for the record was when Cap Sr. and I were riding the elevator down to the main casino to go dump some hard earned cash into the slots and onto the tables. A group of middle aged douches with thier respective Bleeths about 6 of them total already boistrous and lively stumbled into the elevator umbrella drinks in hand. Someone suddenly says “Ok Mary (I forget her real name) don’t fuccen’ fart in the elevator, those ones you’ve been letting at the pool and in the room really stink!” Mary replies “I didn’t fart”. She looks at Cap Sr. and me then kind of stumbles and Cap Sr catches her and with heavy Jack Daniels and Pall Mall infused breath bellows “I didn’t fart!” into our cringing faces. Mary the middle aged Bleeth composes herself then has a sudden down in the mouth look and whispers “oh shit!” then spits up some brownish ooze like that coming from the mouth’s of zombies in horror films of recent. Everyone in the elevator was laughing raucously at Mary’s antics, I was fumbling for my phone, and Cap Sr. was trying not to get any on his shoes. By the time it was over the elevator dinged, they piled out and left us in a bile/used Jack Daniels filled elevator car to continue our journey to the casino floor. Cap Sr. managed to somewhat get the last laugh with “I’d hate to smell your queefs” as the doors closed.

The 2 pictures I managed to get were pretty mild sadly was hoping for some good stuff. I would have probably captured a treasure trove of material had I been able to attend the “Jenna Jameson Birthday Bash” happening at TABU but alas I was a bit weary and I had to catch a plane in the morning and why the fuck do I wanna spend my hard earned money, wait in line and probably not get in anyway to watch a silicon based cum dumpster wring the Bleeth chamois dry.

7:33 am April, 11 Capt. James T. Douche said...

Oh yea and I’ve realized that there really is no age limit on baggery since I saw an abundance of 70 and 80 year old men in affliction and tapout shirts!! Not the loose fitting kind either, talk about some moobs!

7:39 am April, 11 Choad the Douche Sprocket said...

Ah yes…Vegas….next to the Jerz Shore, the epicenter of the choad/bleeth dialectic.

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.

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As senior (as in oldest by age) ‘baghunter on this site (and 30 year Vegas resident), I can attest to the steady infestation of stench that has overtaken our tourist trap of a town in the past decade. The dayclubs (and fucking dj-culture….which is EVERYWHERE) has just made things worse — enabling douchebags and the semi-pros who love them to do their public preening 24/7, instead of just coming out after dark as was the norm in the early aughts.

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.What began as a bunch of faux-hawk poseurs and tatted skanks mugging for the cameras has morphed into a viral epidemic of flat-brimmed caps and women who look like strung-out refugees from a biker gang.

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..

.While the Old Choad is all for the lower orders imposing their style trends (and music) on middle-class kids (who have to have something to piss off their parents, after all), a line in the sand has to be drawn when the short-order-cook look is now de rigueur for pulling in the hotties. (And it is….walk through any casino on a weekend and hundreds of these guys — looking like they’re just off parole or on their way to their part-time job at Jiffy-Lube — are walking around with serious (if skanky) arm candy.

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.What’s next? A mullet revival? Stay tuned.

7:39 am April, 11 Capt. James T. Douche said...

…and one more thing does Armenian = autodouche? Rented 4 wheelers and went trail riding out at Ring of Fire National Park and one of the guides said his family was “Russian” but this kid looked like his name could of been Juan or Jorge. Then when we talked to him a little more he said he was acutally Russian-Armenian and was suprisingly cool. Most Armenians I’ve met act like Ferengi and are Mrecedes-Benz loving shyster-bags of the highest caliber!

7:41 am April, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

@Jonezy, I think you need to DoucheyWallnuts up that story of yours. Only post success stories here my friend. And if you had bought them Taco Bell instead of McDonalds you would have gotten those blowies. Next time.

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@Cap’n James, you were pretty brave to last through 3 days of that. Hopefully you spent the majority of your time at that Star Trek theme thing they got there.

7:46 am April, 11 Capt. James T. Douche said...

@ND I think that thing is gone never got the chance to check it out actually, but its cool anyway.

8:05 am April, 11 Doucheywallnuts said...

I am looking forward to my 2 weeks at the Shore of Jerz, which is quite a beautiful place despite the douchery/bleethery. I promise to come back with great photos of D//B I their habitat.

8:16 am April, 11 Nostradouchus said...

It’s hard to act too cool for school when you aren’t taller than your girlfriend.

8:49 am April, 11 Vin Douchal said...

Vegas- is it memory lane time? ‘Cause I can probably keep up with the Honorable Mr DW in this category.

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Like one of the multitude of bachelor parties I’ve attended. One in which the groom’s brother ordered three strippers on line to entertain at a suite in the Rio. 30+ dudes , hammering booze, smoking doobs, and a few ( us cool guys or actually the ones avoiding the groom’s dad) ) snorting blow in the bathroom

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The chicks arrive, A blonde, a brunette and a latino and they’re a little let’s be polite, average looking with their clothes on……. dissapointed and nervous looks all around …..

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The groom, to protect his identity let’s call him , Robert O’Brien, has three fugly chicks pawing at him in no time. The blonde pulls herself away and is working the room as the dudes start a collection to pay for discounted BJ’s. As in, a BJ is $35 but if EVERYONE kicks in she’ll do 20 for $400 ,….mmmmm okay. I pull the Latino away and say here’s Thirty-five bucks, let’s go to the bathroom. Suck blow swallow zip , here’s $50, good job……

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So they remove their clothes:

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– The blonde has blue cursive writing on each of her boobs which look like empty frosting icer tubes used by pastry chefs AFTER it’s been emptied and to my horror there are both pegs and loop piercings in each nip. Her pooch tummy has a cesarean scar that could be in The Nightmare Before Christmas and her sizable ass has deep enough celulite to shoplift an entire bag of skittles from a Rite-Aid one in each pock…

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The Latina is the best looking in the group even though her giant DD’s flopped around like a windsock on a breeze-less day and her perfume smelled like a mix of lilacs, tequila, taco farts, Lysol and doughnuts. Her pussy lips were like truck mud flaps and had not been groomed, making them look like a hairy arm fat flab of a guy in wife beater t-shirt

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The brunnette was so skinny her hip bones could have sliced a hair like a sharpened knife, her breastbone stuck out further than her stretched out nipples and the lips tattooed on each of her buttock were chapped. She had rug burns on her elbows and knees and she was sweating the entire time…

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So they strip Robert down to his undies and lay him on the floor. They do a spread eagle dance parade over him, with their pussies aimed at him like a howitzer filled with STD’s.

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I asked Robert’s brother where he found these gals. He replied “A reputable place on The Internet”

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I asked did you look at their photos first. He said no, they seemed nice enough in their e-mails

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I asked, “Why did you hire them? Did they have good punctuation? Good syntax? ”

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The hooting started- “Robert’s the best looking gal in this room!”

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“My lunch! Oh my lunch!”

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“I wouldn’t fuck them with Mike Tyson’s dick”….

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So the BJ’s started. The blonde’s the only one doing them and a line of dudes stand outside the bedroom and the first three guys go in and out without a hitch. After the fourth one she comes out of the room, runs to the bathroom and pukes. She comes out and says she’s done. Although the guys are upset, what are you gonna do? All three gals leave

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I’m feeling pretty good about paying retail, let me tell you.

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So there is a happy ending. Most of the guys clear out. I take $100 and ask 4 other dudes to kick in the same . Robert stays in the room as I go down and get a super hot hooker from the bar to come to the room. We leave and he’s taken care of.

.<br.

Moral of the story, don't leave the important things to amateurs

9:17 am April, 11 jonezy said...

^ I always did like how the devil’s dandruff can maintain such lucid memories among the haze of booze and doobs

9:45 am April, 11 Nancy Dreuche said...

^Moral of the story Jonezy, do more blow and then bang a hooker the next time you’re in Vegas. Then come tell us all about it. I least that’s what I learned. Also don’t buy your strippers from the Internet.

4:55 pm April, 11 chaka said...

this I have to say is the worst kind of db proof…i can get a hundred pics just waiting to get on board a plane to vegas…I am all up for douchery identification but not false publication…lets try this again, someone can send a better pic of a douchebag and partner from vegas, just circle the pools.

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